


Airwaves Duel

by MirandasMadeOfStone



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Bromance, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship, Misunderstandings, Music, Radio, Rivalry, Sex, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:13:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 170,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3365642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandasMadeOfStone/pseuds/MirandasMadeOfStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you really want to appreciate the next couple of chapters - you’re going to need Spotify or similar! It’s all authentic and all stuff I heard played in clubs etc.</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Rae was a bit flustered and trying to find something to wear. Should she go a bit punky and put on DM boots and an orange guitar t-shirt to contrast with the blue streaks at the front of her hair? Or should she go for the slightly girly look, black jersey dress with ditsy floral pattern, cardi and red converse? Or should she stick with tried and tested - band t-shirt, black mini and leggings, her favourite burgundy converse and leather jacket?

“Shit, fuck shit. Chlo - Chlo, oh Chlo it’s a disaster” she screamed.

“Rae what’s wrong now. Please tell me you are going to go.”

“Of course I’m going. But what on earth should I wear” she gestured at the huge array of clothes on her bed.

To Chloe, they all looked a bit much of a muchness but she knew how much Rae needed her support right now.

“Rae the most important thing about today, is that you’re yourself - the funny, lovely Rae we all know and love. To be honest they’re gonna love you whatever you wear babe. But I think you’re best wearing whatever you’re most comfortable in - don’t want a repeat of that time I went on a date and spend the entire time tugging my dress down so I didn’t flash my knickers”

“Yeah well only you would wear a dress with a skirt so short it could pass as a belt”. Rae rolled her eyes.

“Rae” Chloe slapped her on the arm and smiled. It was good to see the feisty Rae. She was going to need that today. Today was very important to Rae. She was going to audition for a DJ slot at her favourite radio station “No Crap FM”. It might have only been a slot and not a full time job  but it’s what Rae wanted to do more than anything in the world. Rae was currently working in a cafe and library to make ends meet as well as doing two unpaid DJ slots, one at the local hospital radio and another at popular indie club in town.

Rae and Chloe had lived together on and off since they left college. There had been brief periods where they both lived with boyfriends, well to be fair, Rae had only lived with one boyfriend and Chloe with three. But they always found their way back to living with each other. They currently shared a 2 bedroom flat on the first floor of a victorian house. It wasn’t huge but it was home.

Chloe had the larger room on account of the size of her wardrobe and the fact she was paying more rent. Truth be told her job didn’t pay brilliantly as a junior manager of a fashion store but she didn’t’ have to work Rae’s funny hours either and her dad basically subsidised her lifestyle.

Rae had the smaller room. Her precious decks and vinyl collection were stored in the living room on a table and set of shelves. Chloe had agreed to this but had bought a screen to hide them when she was entertaining. It had become known as the screen of sophistication and silliness on account of there being lovely chinese floral fabric on one side that Chloe preferred and the inside had been decorated by Rae with lots of pictures of friends, drawings and concert ticket stubs.

Rae came back out of her room in a Doors LA Woman t-shirt that matched the burgundy converse and the black mini and leggings combo that she felt so comfortable in.

“You look great Rae. Knock ‘em dead”

“Thanks Chlo. See you later”. Rae was nervous but somehow Chloe knew what to say most of the time. Chloe had seen Rae through her low points like the time when a broken relationship had destroyed her confidence to the point where she couldn’t’ face leaving home. Rae had seen Chloe through a number of dodgy relationships, a couple of pregnancy scares and helped her realise she was far more than just how she looked.

Rae put on her headphones and turned up Oasis as she walked down the road to get the bus to the radio station. She was going to blitz this interview today. She had actually been asked to audition by one of the producers who seen her slot in the Dolly nightclub. They wanted someone who really knew their music and could integrate new Indie tunes with classics. This was going to be her job.

*****************************************

Finn was getting his bag ready, chucking in a few more unusual Indie vinyls that they wouldn’t normally have at the station. He always liked to play an eclectic mixture of tracks chucking something unexpected in and getting people talking. He also liked to introduce people to new bands and spent a lot of time going to low rent gigs all over the place.

Finn was sifting through one of many crates of vinyl stacked up in his room. Why could he not find that Eels record he was looking for? He sighed, he expected his girlfriend Alice had moved them around again. He could see a pair of her lace panties at the bottom of the crate. He fished them out and smiled. He remembered she’d tossed them across the room a couple of weeks ago giving Finn a special kind of late night dance for one.

Finn sighed again, Alice was certainly different and certainly special. They had met at Glastonbury a couple of years ago. Alice had been dancing, arms in the air, long hair flowing full of flowers and wearing a flowing white dress. Finn had been mesmerised. She seemed to know all sorts of people in all sorts of bands. Her dad had been in a band and she’d grown up knowing rock royalty. That Glastonbury had been amazing, they partied Friday through Sunday with so many cool bands including Travis and The Happy Mondays. He’d even met Bowie for fuck’s sake.

Alice was very much a creative spirit. She didn’t have to worry about money thanks to her parents. She was free to pursue her dream of becoming an artist and would spend days at a collective studio based in a warehouse where she would paint and sculpt to her heart’s content. She would then turn up at Finn’s and and stay for as long as she felt like. She had her own flat that her parents had bought for her and sometimes she’d stay there instead.

Finn may have been fascinated by her free spirit but he sometimes found Alice hard to live with. She was either there in a whirlwind of colour and their relationship was mind blowingly intense or she was off being creative. Sometimes she wouldn’t call and couldn’t be contacted for days on end. Finn recalled the time she’d gone to Ibiza to stay in a Finca. She’d even met Liam Gallagher and not even mentioned it to him. He’d only discovered this on finding her holiday photos which were scattered all round her flat.

Chop and Izzy were very tolerant of Finn and Alice’s relationship, well it was more that they tolerated Alice. Whenever she came over there were clothes left everywhere, she never cleaned or tidyed and she threw very wild parties at their flat without asking them first. It was at one of these parties that she had introduced Finn to the producer at No Crap FM. Finn and Steve had talked for hours about music finding they had similar tastes. Finn currently worked as a DJ in a club two nights a week, did three late night slots at a small local radio station and worked in a record store during the day.

Right, he needed to get his head into gear, he double checked his track list, rolled a cigarette and put on his red flannel coat and locked the door to his flat. He smiled, this shouldn’t be too difficult, well he hoped it wouldn’t be too difficult given he had already been covering for the DJ whose slot he was auditioning for when he’d been ill. Steve had needed someone at short notice and asked Finn one night and since then he’d covered 5 times.

This job was important to Finn, it paid way better than his current DJ slot which didn’t even cover all the vinyl he ended up buying to play. It would also get him out to a far bigger audience which was important to him and, to be honest, Alice was expensive. Not that he minded spending his money on her but she really had no idea. She would periodically make a grand gesture that would keep him afloat for a few months but he wanted things to be on a more equal footing.

He got on his scooter and rode over to the studio. Alice would probably turn up there.

*****************************************************************************************

Rae had got the the studio early, she was nervous and hated being late. When she got down a secretary had shown her into a guest studio full of sofas and pot plants where all the auditionees were waiting.

Rae sat down nervously pulling at the hem of her black mini over her leggings. She checked out the competition. There was a DJ she recognised from a local club who she really didn’t rate. When he was on form he was pretty good but it was well known around town that he was pretty unreliable, even though he was amazingly cool and he had cool blue streaks in his hair to match hers. Then there was a trendy looking girl with horn rimmed specs and a vintage style hairdo. Another face that Rae recognised - yeah she was pretty but she was a try-hard and her music knowledge wasn’t up to much. Rae smiled a little. This wasn’t going to be too bad. The third person in the room was not a familiar face but he definitely looked very metal and very goth, his Sepultura T-shirt was a good hint at his music taste. Not really right for this show thought Rae and she started to relax when the door opened.

Oh Fuck. It was Finn fucking Nelson - supposedly the fittest boy back in college all those years ago. Chloe had had a huge crush on him. They had supposedly dated for a while but Rae wasn’t sure as she’d avoided him the plague. After all he’d had a very public relationship with Stacey Stringfellow the nemesis of teenage Rae in college. She had actually spoken to him at an, until now, long forgotten party at Izzy’s house. Izzy and Rae had done drama together at college and they had been friends. She’d been dating a guy called Chop, yeah Chop. He’d spent the night telling silly jokes and getting everyone drunk. Rae had only gone because Izzy had been so nice about inviting her and Chloe was desperate to hook Finn who was one of Chop’s best mates.

What the fuck was he doing here? Rae’s heart sunk into her boots when she realised she’d heard him covering this session a couple of weeks back. God he was arrogant turning up late and with a bit of stuff on his arm. Crickey Rae had seen pictures of her in some dreadful gossip mag she’d flipped through the last time she was at the doctors. Urgh. With company like that he didn’t need a job did he? Well I am going to show that jumped up little prick just what us hard working DJ’s can do and mix it up more.

When her name was called, Rae went in and performed and amazing audition. She’d managed to throw in a bit of Bowie, Paint it Black and a dance remix of the Happy Mondays’ along with the usual suspects. She chatted well throwing in a number of slightly geeky comments about the tracks along with a few hilarious lines. The producer and his team really liked this girl. She was unexpectedly good, the DJing skills were as expected but the banter was an added bonus.

When Finn was called through, he was slightly preoccupied with working out why he felt slightly odd seeing that girl from college again. But he really was a talented DJ  - his eclectic mix of tracks including a number from virtually unknown bands had gone down exceptionally well. He hadn’t said a huge amount in between tracks but what he had said was all to the point, relevant and showed off his extremely deep knowledge of music.

The producers sent everyone home, this was a tough call and they decided to call it a day and get back to the auditionees later.

**********************************************************************************************

When Rare got home, Chloe was already there curled up on the sofa in a lilac mini dress drinking white wine.

“How’d it go babe. Bet you wowed them”

“It was ok, not much competition”. Rae did not want to mention that Finn had been there. Chloe had struggled with the fact that he didn’t want to have a relationship with her back in college and quite frankly he’d been grumpy to the point of rude about it. He been an arrogant tosser back then barely acknowledging the existence of lesser mortals who wanted to speak to him. So, so  not Rae’s type. Urgh.

“Well when do’you find out then?”

“They said a couple of days”

“Not long then babe - have a glass of this Chardonnay with me, then we can go out?”

“Durr Chlo since when have I ever liked wine” Rae rolled her eyes “Besides its Tuesday and I’ve got to work at the cafe in an hour.”

“Shit, sorry Rae, I forgot”.

Rae put her feet up and tried to close her eyes for a bit, she was really rather tired, running between her jobs. But everytime she closed her eyes she could see that arrogant face. Fuck this was not going to do, she went and decided to make herself something sweet to eat, even though she was fed for free in the cafe.

**********************************************************************

When Finn and Alice got home, both Chop and Izzy were home from work. Chop managed a garage and so he could easily afford the huge Chinese takeaway laid out on the table.

“Finny boy, how’d it go?”

“Yeah, good I think”.

“Good? He’s just amazing, I mean how could they not be wowed by one of Finn’s sets” said Alice.

She was rather proud of dating the club DJ who was really rated by his peers and industry insiders tipped could be the next big thing. Well he would be if he managed to talk more in his shows and engage on a deeper level with his audience. That’s what one of her friends at the Ministry of Sound had told her. Alice was working on it and trying to get him to move over to dance music. Then she really would be at all the coolest parties with the hottest man around on her arm. With his t-shirt sleeves rolled up and mixing on the decks, he had attracted the eye of some of the Notting Hill set. Even Kate flippin’ Moss had asked her who he was and made some comment about his body.

“It weren’t too shabby. They said they’d let me know in a couple of days”. said Finn.

“Shall I give Steve a little call, I am sure he’d love to hear from me” said Alice.

“NO Alice”. Shit that came out a little louder than Finn intended. He so desperately wanted to achieve this on his own without it coming because he was Alice’s boyfriend.

“Oh Finn I was just trying to help” Alice ran out crying and slammed the door of Finn’s bedroom.

Finn apologised to Chop and Izzy. He was quite embarrassed and went after Alice.

“How long do’you give it this time Izz, I reckon 10 minutes. He’s not too much in the doghouse”

“Chop you are disgusting” Izzy said slapping him on the arm. She knew exactly what Chop was referring to. Every row, however small, seemed to end up with make-up sex for Finn and Alice and she wasn’t exactly inhibited. They caught them at it all over the place, in clubs, behind pubs, in the shower and once on the small balcony outside the living room standing up of all things.

“Nah Chop, 7 minutes, she’s cross with him but ..” she trailed off and they both looked at their watches.

It was Izzy that won that night as she was closest as only 8 minutes later they could hear a rhythmic banging come from Finn’s room and Alice’s cries. Chop shook his head, that boy must have it bad!

***************************************************************************

Rae had missed Steve’s first call as she’d been doing one of her afternoon slots at the hospital radio station. It was an odd thing. She mostly ended up playing request songs that really weren’t her thing - like the Backstreet Boys and other such pop bands. But she knew it really cheered up the patients of all ages and she often received cards of thanks for making people’s day or making their stays a bit more bearable. Besides she’d always throw in some proper music - the Roses or Oasis. She secretly liked to think she was helping educate people about what good music was.

When Steve finally got hold of her, Rae was rushing to get changed ready for her cafe job. After the necessarily small talk Steve cut to the chase.

“Thing is Rae, it was a really hard decision. There were two of you we both really liked. Your set was good but the banter was excellent Rae”.

Rae did not like where this was going and swallowed, tears pricking her eyes. She really had done her best.

“In the end wee couldn’t decide between you. Your banter was definitely the best but the other guy, well his set just had the edge”.

Oh Fuck that could only be one person. It so wasn’t fair, his bloody girlfriend probably knew the right people and she, Rae Earl, simply couldn’t compete.

“So we’d like to ask you to come back to re-audition for a DJ-off sort of thing - you know side by side and we’ll broadcast it live”.

Rae did not like the sound of this, not one little bit. But then she remembered this was radio, this wasn’t like one of those drama auditions she’d had to endure, where she felt she stuck out like a sore thumb. Nah this was radio and this was going to be a live broadcast on No Crap FM. Hell she was going to show that prick hands down who was best for the job.

********************************************************************

When Finn took the call from Steve, he was a little disappointed but he was intrigued to find out that the DJ he would dueling with was that girl from college all those years ago and her name was Rae Earl. He’d not heard her set before and he wanted to understand why Steve thought she was that good.

There was no way he was going to let her win. He was going to play the set of his life and talk more, take calls even. He was going to show her who was best for the job.


	2. Chapter 2

Finn had spent most of the day choosing what tracks should make it onto his playlist. The Roses had to be on there as did Bowie and Radiohead. But how many curved balls should he throw in and what they should be? He was feeling quite stressed, he’d got up early even though he’d been up late the night before DJ’ing at the club. He’d started compiling a list of his favourite tracks and had gone from there. When Alice had woken up he’d tried to ignore her as he needed a clear mind. But when she’d sat naked on a crate of his vinyl and had started massaging his crotch, he’d had to give in and give her what she wanted. He’d fucked her like she liked wanted, hard and fast.

However, it hadn’t eased his tension. Now he’d lost a precious hour, he sighed. Alice wrapped her slim arms around him. “I can make that all better Finn, you’re worrying over nothing. Please let me.” she said kissing his neck.

This was one of those times, Finn needed to get away from Alice before he upset her. “I’m just tired. Think I’ll get myself a coffee from the down the street, do you want one of those teas you like?”

She had nodded and petulantly turned her back. As he came back to flat drinks in his hand, he had been so deep in thought he’d virtually walked into Chop in the stairwell.

“Watch yaself Finn. You ok?”

“Yeah, no, oh fuck it this radio duel thing. I really can’t get the set list right. If I throw in a bit of Elastica, it’s probably too much to throw in Sleeper as well or they’ll think I’m trying to please a female audience. Yet if I go the other way and include Pulp and Suede, it could be too mainstream. ARgh”. He frowned.

“Finn, you’re overthinking this mate. Way overthinkin’. Just imagine it’s a massive party - you are the most awesome party DJ - just play the songs you like and you know the audience will love it”.

Chop knew Finn pretty well and was far better at dealing with his moments of insecurity than Alice could. Chop thought that Alice just made Finn’s nervousness and inability to express himself worse but he would never say anything.  Alice was selfish. Chop gave Finn a big pat on the back.

“You just need a bit of peace and quiet mate. I’ll get Izzy to take Alice shopping”.

Finn smiled and nodded.

*******************************************************************

Rae had been pacing the living room for hours, she’d even given up a precious extra breakfast shift at the cafe to get her play list right. She’d sorted and resorted through all her vinyl, then gone through her CDS, hell she’d been that desperate that she’d even looked through Chloe’s CDs which she’d ditched in a heap on the floor with a loud “urghhhhhhhh”.

“Rae what on earth are you doing? I had a really late night with Jim you know” Chloe strolled into the living room, rubbing her eyes “What on earth are my CD’s doing on the floor”. Chloe was about to launch into one of her rants but she saw Rae had tears in her eyes.

She put her arm around Rae. “Rae what’s wrong you know you can tell me”.

“Chlo I don’t think I can do it. I mean its flippin’ live this DJ off thing. No Crap FM has loads of listeners like thousands of listeners on their Saturday evening slot. I just can’t stand the pressure of it all taking all them calls. I don’t know what to put on me set list and if I can’t even compile a good a set list they’ll laugh at me and that arrogant tosser’s going to be so smug. I fuckin’ can’t bear it”.

“What arrogant tosser?”

Shit she hadn’t meant to say that bit out loud.

“Do you mean the other DJ Rae?”

Oh fuck. Oh well it’s not as if Chloe wouldn’t know by the end of the night away.

“Yeah. Chloe I was going to tell you but you know him.” Chloe’s eyes widened - she didn’t know any DJ’s why on earth was Rae being so cagey. “Its Finn Nelson”.

There was an odd silence where the girls’ eyes met.

Chloe suddenly stood a little taller. She had to admit she’d been obsessed with Finn when they were at college, after he all he was seriously fit. They’d kind of had an on and off thing, well ok a few snogs and fumbles until he’d made it clear he wasn’t ready for a relationship or something like that. She wondered what he looked like now was he still as attractive? He latest squeeze Jim was nice, he was the manager of an electrical store in town. He was older, earned good money and drove a BMW but compared to Finn… Chloe stop it.

“So er what’s he like these days”.

“Arrogant as ever. Brought a massive selection of his own collection to the audition didn’t he. Yeah and he’s got this girlfriend - think her name’s Alice. I think she’s some kind of “It girl” saw a picture in a magazine once. Petite, long blond hair, big eyes, posh accent”

“Not Alice Trevellian?”

“Yeah think that’s her name. All over him like a rash she was. He didn’t seem to mind either. I mean who brings their bit of stuff to an audition for a job for god’s sake”.

“Rae her Dad was some famous musician back in the day. Her family knows all sorts, she’s always out in Ibiza partying with loads of famous people or clubbing and getting herself in the papers”.

“Oh fuck, no chance of me getting this job then - Finn’ll be in there with those kind of connections”.

“Rae don’t you dare let yourself think like that. If Finn Nelson is stupid enough to hook up with some posh floozy that’s his problem. You’ve got to show him Rae”.

Chloe was jealous of Alice, she didn’t want to admit it, even to herself. The girl was at all the best parties in all the mags and papers and she didn’t have to work for a living.

“Bit odd though Rae that I’ve never seen a picture of them together. I mean she’s in the press all the time, attention seeker.”

“Chloe! She’s probably not that bad.”

“Yeah well, you show them Rae, put Finn back in his place. You are an amazing DJ, everyone down the Dolly loves your sets. I know I don’’ know much about music but everyone there rates you Rae. I am so proud of you Rae. You’ve come a long way since college and now you need to be brave and show the world just what Rachel Earl is made of”.

Rae hugged Chloe. She was grateful that they were once again living together. Somehow they kept each other going. They mostly knew what to say to one another when the chips were down. For a second she wondered why Finn had not been photographed with Alice in public and then the thought slipped out of her mind as the fire returned to her belly. This job was hers she was an excellent DJ and she knew she could outbanter that grumpy sod any day of the week. Stick to what you’re best at Rae, the banter, pick some decent tunes, ones that you can natter about and you’ll be onto a winner.

Rae smiled to herself and went to find her lucky leather jacket.

******************************************************************************

Steve was waiting for Finn and Rae to arrive for their so called “DJ off.” He’d always been known as a maverick at the station but in general management trusted him. He’d found some extraordinarily talented DJs through his love of dingy nightclubs and late night lock in sessions all over the place.

This was a huge risk he was taking here and he had no idea how they would react being together. He hoped their shared love of music and excellent taste would make them the perfect pairing to co-host a show.

Rae was the first to arrive. Steve knew she lacked in confidence but when she got going she could keep a crowd’s attention with her music choices and witty chatter.

Finn arrived shortly after Rae. Steve was relieved he hadn’t brought that dreadful girlfriend along. She may have been beautiful and a good talker and partied like nobody else he knew. But she was a name dropper and really just didn’t get music. He wondered how she and Finn had got together and then realised, no red blooded male in their right mind would turn down a screw with her. Perhaps they should.

Steve showed them into DJ booth, it was the largest one the station had, normally used for when they were interviewing live on air. Steve explained that they were each to play a track in turn and introduce it. They were to take calls and banter was expected.

They tossed a coin for who was going to start the show and Finn won.

Finn started off with Primal Scream’s “Movin on Up” it was one of his favourites to play in the club. His introduction simply consisted of “This is one to get your evening going. Have a beer and a dance to this”.

Rae started off with Oasis’ “Roll with it”.  She extolled the virtues of the Gallagher brothesr and even chatted on about the Blur Oasis rivalry back in the day.

Finn put on a club mix of the Happy Mondays’ Hallelujah with a “This reminds me of those excellent 90s raves. Anyone who’s ever woken up in a field may not be able to remember it but trust me you will have been dancing to this the night before” he said with a chuckle.

Rae choose the Prodigy’s “No good start the dance” and chatted a bit about another Liam and his creative genius.

Finn chose M by the Cure - “Bit of dance so far, now for a bit of punk - early Cure this is the live version from Arnhem 1980 but you’ll want to get on your feet all the same”.

Rae chose Sabotage by the “Beastie Boys” because it was “Not bad for mainstream” she giggled. And that’s where it started.

“Not bad for mainstream? You’d really classify that as mainstream would ya”?. Finn couldn’t help himself, he’d wanted to play Sabotage. Instead he threw in a very risky, very mainstream song - Spaceman by “Babylon Zoo”.

As Rae heard the opening chords her eyebrows seemed to raise of their own volition and her lip curled up on one side. What a wanker. What the fuck was this?

She paused the song before it was due to end.

“And you questioned the Beastie Boys, what on earth was that tripe if not mainstream shite written to please half cut idiots on a night out in some tacky club with a catchy tune they cannot fail to remember even if they’re pissed out of their skulls.”

“Yeah well. Roll with it? And you really think you know your music do ya?”

Steve’s teams faces were a picture, they were desperately making gestures about whether they should cut it right there, but he didn’t respond he chuckled instead.

“Well you know about as much as music as my mum and let me tell you she’s a menopausal 40 something who once thought the Bay City Rollers were cool”.

“At least my choices aren’t derivative”. Finn didn’t know what that really meant but he’d heard Alice insult people with it so many times. He pressed the switch for his next tune and as it started, the public could hear Rae very quietly muttering “prick” under her breath.

Shit she’d made a rookie mistake and had failed to mute her mike at the right time. She looked up to see Steve in hysterics.

The banter had continued in between each record choice, Steve was relieved to see they managed to stop arguing long enough to change tracks. This had not been his intention at all but given the the phones had rung non-stop with questions all night, it had clearly provoked a response.

Finn finished with The Charlatans “One to another” and Rae with Blur’s “Tender” as she liked throwing in a slower number at the end of a show to calm things down. And who could fail to like those amazing harmonies, it was crime that song had never made it to number 1 thanks to Britney sodding Spears of all things. She made sure she told the public that.

Alice burst into the room as soon as the show ended and threw herself on Finn and snogged him full on. He just pulled her in thought Rae - Yuck, he’s not discreet at all.

Steve came in and thanked the pair. “I suppose you’ll both want to know who is going to take over this slot regularly?” He asked.

Finn pulled away from Alice and pushed her away, Rae looked at the floor. “Well I’ve made my decision and it’s not exactly been easy but” he looked at the pair of them and wondered if he was absolutely off his rocker doing this but nevermind “I want you to do the slot together”.

Instead of being overjoyed as he’d hoped, the pair looked at each other with distaste on their faces.

“But “ Alice started. Finn shushed her. Rae looked at Steve. “Suppose I’ve got no choice then. I’ll put up with that tosser and show him what real music is. Thanks Steve”. She reached out and shook Steve’s hand.

“Rae you were great” Steve whispered in her ear. “You know I can’t pay as much as if you were doing it on your own” She nodded - that was to be expected and she smiled and made her way out.

Finn said his thanks and lead Alice by the hand out the studio. He really wanted to go home and sleep. However, Alice had other plans, she wanted to drag him to some party in a rough part of town which he really didn’t want to go to as he had to start at the record shop at 10 on Sundays. But there was no way Alice could be talked out of this party and he knew, she knew, there was no way he’d let her go to such a party on her own. He’d always felt he’d needed to protect Alice she never seemed to understand the danger and how nasty people could be. He sighed, he was going to feel like hell tomorrow.

**********************************************

Finn and Rae’s radio show proved to be extremely popular with the audience. Apart from the amazing music selections, the banter was incredible. The pair couldn’t get through a couple of tracks without a snarky comment or witty put down, let alone a whole show.

One Saturday, tensions really were flying high. Rae had played the Pale Saints’ “Throwing Back the Apple” to which Finn had commented “Really Earl? And you think my taste is boring, suggest you look at closer to home when it comes to boring”.

Rae had then decimated his choice of the Roses’ Fool’s Gold as “Way to obvious Nelson. We all know and love the Roses but doesn’t ya music knowledge extend much further than ya tiny brain?”

Steve couldn’t’ believe the tension was continuing -  it simply made the show unforgettable. There had been the 10 minute argument on Blur vs Oasis last week. He wanted to stir things up this week and so was only happy to put the next call through. “So Rae and Finn could you please play one song each that sums each other up”.

Finn’s choice went on first - Hush by Kula Shaker “This is for Miss Earl who, could quite frankly take a lesson from the title of this track. She’s always bangin’ on about something”. He smirked as he played it before she could get a word in edgeways. Rae stared daggers at him which just made him smirk even more.

Rae’s choice was Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain” She looked at him as the opening bar played and gave him a fake smile that was more of a grimace. “This says it all Nelson”.

***********************************************************************

Chop and Izzy were due to come to the station and go out with Finn and Alice for a new beers after the show finished. Finn had also asked along Archie, his best mate who was living with his boyfriend Dan. He hadn’t seen as much of Archie since he’d been with Alice.

Archie didn’t really like Alice but he’d never say anything. When he’d moved in with Dan he’d been really pleased that Chop and Izzy had suggested that Finn live with them. The thought of Finn and Alice living together worried him. It was bad enough how she would leave Finn for days on end without word of her whereabouts and would come back and not understand that he’d been worried or upset. She just carried on as normal and would go off in a strop if he ever tried to talk to her about it.

Chloe had also gone up to meet Rae. She wanted to go clubbing - Jim had invited her to some party with some of his boring mates and she just wanted to have fun.

Chloe virtually walked into Izzy.

“Oh my god Izzy” she shrieked and gave her a hug. “Haven’t seen you for ages”.

“Chloe! “ Izzy shrieked and they broke into giggles and started chatting. Catching up on old times. They didn’t see much of each other and had virtually lost contact.

Archie knew Chloe and Rae were friends. He and Rae had been mates in college very much away from his friendship with Chop and Finn. He knew Rae had had self-esteem issues and they talked for hours. He was very fond of Rae and always thought she would get on with Finn but after that party when Chloe had thrown herself at Finn, it had become clear to Archie that Rae struggled in certain groups. He’d tried to encourage Rae to come along to things but after a while he’d given up and they maintained quite a private friendship, mostly over cups of tea, long drives and late nights talking on the phone.

Their friendship was now limited to calls and the odd visit to the cafe. Finn had no idea that they were still on touch. Archie had deliberately kept it that way. He’d always had a suspicion that Finn had fancied Rae in college but he had always been hopeless at expressing his feelings and Rae had always called Finn a “pig-head tosser who fancies himself badly”. He also knew how badly Finn’s ex Stacey treated Rae and school and didn’t want her reminded of that.

When Rae and Finn came out of the Station the others were all chatting outside. Rae flung herself at Archie and gave him a massive hug. Finn’s eyes opened wide. “What?  Archie smiled at Finn. Suddenly Alice arrived in inimitable style off the back of some guy’s motorbike; hair trailing behind her in the wind, she hadn’t been wearing a helmet.

She threw her arms around Finn and tried to snog him but he pulled back.

“Fuck’s sake Alice, you weren’t wearing a helmet”.

Chloe caught Rae’s eye and raised her eyebrows.

“Relax Finn, just a short ride. Don’t be so uptight.”

Rae returned Chloe’s look  - were they going to have a fight here! This could be fun.

Chop hated when Alice spoke to Finn like that -  she was so patronising. Finn didn’t deserve to be treated like that. “Right people, I say we all go to a club together and make this a real party!”

There had been no arguments. Everyone was chattering and catching up. Chloe had been worried about how Rae would feel being reminded of this group that she had felt intimidated by at college. But Rae and Archie were walking arm in arm chatting happily as they walked to the club. Rae was surprised just how happy and confident she felt in this group. She could happily ignore Finn and have a great night. It was great to be out with Archie and she was thrilled to see Izzy again.

It was late when they got to the club, so Chop started them all on shots. After an hour they were all dancing wildly on the dancefloor. Alice had disappeared, ostensibly to fix her make-up in the toilets and Archie put his arm round Finn. “Radio slot still going well mate?”

Finn grimaced “She fuckin’ thinks she know’s everything about music. She’s so, so intensely irritating. God she gets under my skin Arch”. Archie smirked and saw Finn was staring at Rae. “You’ve got to admit mate she’s bloody sharp and funny too”.

Finn gave Archie a look “Bloody big mouth she is”. He was staring at her and not at her mouth. Archie could see Finn was in a sort of trance. “Big mouth you say Finn?”.

Finn just couldn’t help but stare at Rae’s chest. He remembered that from college. He would be lying to himself to say he hadn’t noticed it already while they were presenting the show but when she was dancing like that, it was something else - bouncing and jiggling. He swallowed and looked at the floor.

Rae had caught Finn looking at her. She saw him talking to Archie. She liked and trusted Archie and knew he wouldn’t hang out Finn if he was a total idiot. Finn and Archie were dancing together now, arms round each others backs and Finn was singing in Archie’s ear. She had to admit he was ridiculously hot in that checked shirt. But she had to keep that to herself, I mean imagine how big his ego would get then! She smiled to herself and then found herself frowning to see Alice had arrived and had barged between Finn and Archie. Was that really dancing ? Urghh! She turned away in disgust.

Finn wasn’t surprised that Alice had just materialised as she always did and did that dancing thing. The first few times she’d done it - he had thought he was the luckiest man alive with this blond goddess dancing like that for him. By now, he’d come to realise she did it when she wanted attention from him, always when he was having fun with his friends. He’d far rather go and dance with his friends, Rae even looked at them and he caught her eye but she turned away with a look of disgust on her face. Alice’s dancing was getting outrageous now. It was time to go. He tried to wave goodbye to his friends as Alice dragged him out.

“Jesus they really need to get a room” Rae said rather loudly to Chloe.

“Yeah pathetic dancing like that in a club, I mean this is not a lap dancing club” said Chloe. Chloe really didn’t like the way Alice controlled Finn - to be honest she was a bit jealous of Alice too with all her connections and her expensive clothes.

Archie couldn’t help but butt in “If Alice has her way they won’t make it home.”

“Well more fool Finn if he can’t keep it in his pants”. Oh perhaps I shouldn’t gone so far thought Rae as she noticed Archie look uncomfortable. Archie had had enough of Alice, he didn’t like how this made Finn appear to other people.

“Actually, I think you’ll find Alice is a bit of a nightmare. The whole relationship is all about her and if she doesn’t get her own way… well let’s just say Finn likes to keep the peace”. Rae frowned.

“Shit Rae please don’t say I said anything. Finn would hate it”.

Rae was thinking. Perhaps he wasn’t that bad after all but why the hell wouldn’t he get shot of Alice unless he still liked her? She was a bit puzzled - she had thought Finn was the big stud who couldn’t’ get enough of Alice but after what Archie had said and the fact that they had never been photographed together in public, that didn’t seem right. She couldn’t believe that would be Alice’s choice as after what she’d just seen she thought the girl was a complete exhibitionist and who wouldn’t want to be seen with him? Humm

  
“Come on Rae - dance with me I’m on my own here”. Chloe grabbed Rae and they started to dance with Chop and Izzy. Thoughts of Finn were soon erased from Rae’s mind - she was having way too much fun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you really want to appreciate the next couple of chapters - you’re going to need Spotify or similar! It’s all authentic and all stuff I heard played in clubs etc.

Rae was loving life. Her DJ slot was so much fun, she could really be herself on air. She even loved bickering with Finn on air. Her “new found” friends in the form of Chop and Izzy were great. She loved Izzy and Chop was pretty funny even if he told dodgy jokes. Archie was spending more time round hers too. It wasn’t a bad social life given she still had to work a couple of nights a week in the cafe and also had other jobs.

Chloe was loving having Izzy round too. The three of them would spend ages chatting, talking and giggling. It really helped Rae’s confidence having a group of friends. She’d even let Chloe talk her into buying some new clothes from her shop. With Chloe’s discount, they’d still been more than she’d spent on clothes before but she finally started to feel she could do this - be her own person - mouthy and jokey on the radio, drinking pints with lads and wearing clothes that she felt like wearing.

Finn was struggling with Alice. She had been insatiable recently and the more he said no the worse she was. She’d also been trying to get him to go to some trendy parties in London with her. He hated all that pointless talk with so called celebrities. She always insisted on dressing him for the occasion. He’d had to endure a particularly difficult party recently where for some unknown reason Alice had pulled his t-shirt off him in public and had started drunkenly pawing him. She’d dragged a few of the girls over and starting spouting on about how fit he was. Finn was mortified. He knew she was showing off as some of the Notting Hill set were there.

Worse still there had been cameras everywhere. Alice knew he hated the press and cameras. He’d only ever been caught a couple of times. This time he’d been caught shirt off with Alice draped all over him. If that hadn’t been bad enough his picture had made it into some magazine and they’d even found out his name. There’d been a couple of lines about how Alice Trevellian was dating Finn Nelson, DJ from Indie station No Crap FM.

Chloe had shown Rae the pictures in one of her magazines.

“You’ve got to admit he’s got a great body Rae. I mean he’s even more muscular than he was back at college.”

Rae rolled her eyes at Chloe. She had noticed but was not going to admit that. “Whatever Chlo. The real point is what the hell is he doing half naked at a party. He’s surrounded by women as usual. Arrogant tosser probably justs wants to pull all of them”

“Rae! I was just saying”. God what had got into Rae. Chloe had actually started fancying Finn again. Jim was boring her, she really had to break up with him. Finn needed to get shot of Alice.

“Rae I don’t think he looks very happy in that photo do you not think?”.

Rae didn’t want to look again but she did and she had to admit Chloe was right, Finn didn’t actually look at all comfortable. She recalled Archie’s words about Finn.

“Actually Chlo, I agree. I think Alice may be the problem, Archie said something about her.”

“She’s such an attention whore” said Chloe

“Chlo” Rae did her face of pretend shock and the girls burst into laughter.

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After one particularly late Friday night where he had finished his DJ session at the club at 2 and had then been dragged to a party until dawn by Alice, Finn turned up looking exhausted for the radio show. He felt shocking. His body ached, he desperately needed some sleep. It had been a tough week with several shifts at the record store, 3 DJ slots, one of which had been covering a dance music session so not his thing at all and Alice had dragged him out all over the place. She’d been sleeping most of the day and if not sleeping, she’d been shopping.

Last night had been horrific for him. All he’d wanted to do at 2am was to go home and sleep. He’d practically pleaded with Alice but she’d insisted on going to some party in a warehouse because Pete Doherty was there. She’d dragged him around meeting various people. He’d managed to find a sofa to sit down on and had shut his eyes out of sheer exhaustion but Alice hadn’t left him alone. When he’d refused to fuck her in the toilets, she’d left the party in tears and he’d trailed around the area on his scooter looking for her. He simply wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if anything happened to her. He’d finally got to bed about 10am and had to get up at 3 to give himself enough time to eat and get ready for the show. He’d left Alice sleeping peacefully in his bed.

Finn flopped into his chair and ran his hands through his hair. Steve had noticed how awful he looked and brought him a cup of black coffee. It may have been 6pm but Finn looked like hell. Rae noticed the bruised circles under Finn’s eyes but even with them he was sexy as hell. He’d not made his usual quip as he came in either. “Did you even bother going to bed last night Nelson, or is it that 6pm is past your bedtime?”

Finn gave her a half, smile half grimace “Yeah at least I’m not completely nocturnal, it’s not natural for someone to look so bright eyed and breezy at this time on a rainy October evening”.

Rae was about to make some smart-arsed reply when she saw something in Finn’s expression. Something in how he was looking at the floor and running his hands through the back of his hair. He looked a bit down. Rae bit her lip, should she say something helpful, supportive even? She was still considering whether to say something when the production team came in and it was time for the kick off.

Rae had to give it to Finn, he perked up instantly and kicked the show off with The Charlatans “Can’t get out of bed” with a “Thought I’d get this one in before Earl tells you I’m knackered and look like hell. This was about the state of me when the alarm went off this afternoon” he chuckled and smirked at Rae.

God he was good. Rae had only about a minute to think and grab the next track. “As usual Nelson your choices seem limited to your favourite bands. Sometimes you gotta think out of the box and remember us girls can do it was well as you boys. So try this for size”.

Rae played “Waking up” by Elastica and gave Finn a half sneer half smirk. Finn smirked back. He had to admit she was bloody quick and she knew her stuff. The rest of the show had gone pretty well. Finn and Rae managed a heated debate about whether all of the 4 Non-blondes weren’t really blond after Rae had played “What’s up?”. Finn had played Hendrix’s “Vodoo Chile” and spouted forth about how this was an example of Hendrix’s true genius.

“Have you even listened to the lyrics Finn? It’s just drug induced nonsense. I mean, I could write better after five pints of Snakebite”.

As the next track came on Finn couldn’t help himself, he asked “You drink Snakebite?” He was intrigued.

“Damn right I do”

“Think you’d better prove that Earl”

“Yeah well at by the look of you right now, I could drink you under the table, in what half an hour?”

Suddenly Finn’s eye was caught by knocking on the perspex panel from the producer’s room. Steve was motioning with his finger across his neck. Oh shit he’d been so tired, he’d forgotten to flick the switch and that last exchange had gone out on air. Fuck. He hung his head. Rae started to giggle.

When  the show ended Rae and Finn left the studio and walked up to Archie who was waiting for Finn “Christ you’re a mess Nelson, best get home and get Alice to tuck you into bed”.  She quipped.

He hung his head and Archie pulled a face at Rae.

“Finn you look dead on your feet- come back to mine - Dan’s away - you can kip in the spare room”.

Rae looked at Archie and frowned.

“I probably should go back. Otherwise Alice might worry.”

“It’s alright, Chop called me and asked me out for a beer. I said no as I need an early night but Chop did mention Alice had gone out”.

Finn smiled silence thanks to his friend.

“Night Earl”.

“Night Nelson”.

With that Finn and Archie walked off rubbing shoulders and chatting. Rae really had no idea what to make of that exchange. When she got home, Chloe was on the sofa crying.

“Oh Rae, it’s Jim”.

Rae ran up to her and put her arms around her. “Oh Chlo what’s happened?”

“I’ve dumped him”.

“Err isn’t that what you’ve been talking about doing, Like for ages”

“Yeah he was so wrong for me”

“So what’s the problem”

“I’m single and sat in on my own on a Saturday night”.

“Oh you silly moo! Let’s go clubbing then!”.

Rae knew Chloe loved to dance and just this once she was prepared to put up with a mainstream club for her sins. The good thing with radio was nobody could recognise her when she was out and take the piss that an Indie DJ went a danced in boring tedious cattle market clubs! Ha if they only knew she smiled.

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The following week Steve announced that Finn and Rae had a live Saturday Night slot in a huge club just outside town. Because No Crap FM only allowed advertising between certain daytime shows and was fussy about the content of that , it relied heavily on the payments made by clubs round the country for its DJs to play sets. Finn and Rae’s show had a cult following of Indie music lovers and the club had booked for them to play a set between 9 and midnight which would be followed by a dance DJ.

Finn knew the form as he’d played the odd set in that club already. Basically you start with whatever music you wanted but as the night went on it edged more towards dance and in general it became full on dance music post midnight. He knew he’d be fine but he was slightly nervous about how Rae would fair. He knew she played regularly at the Dolly but that was a small  Indie club which suited Rae’s style perfectly. He’d been meaning to go and see her sets as Steve really rated them but she was now playing more sporadically due to this current slot and everytime he’d mentioned it to Alice, she always seemed to have some important party that they needed to attend.

Rae was indeed nervous. Up until now, there was no way that her audience could connect her name with her face, with her body. None of the listeners knew what she looked like and she liked that. It liberated her that she was judged, not on the way she looked, but on her talent, her ability to make people laugh and her music taste. This was a whole different kettle of fish. The Dolly was fine because it was a very laid back club full of Indie music lovers and was run by a lovely chap called Rich. Rich was a mostly unshaven good looking man who looked like he was incredibly laid back. Which he mostly was until people were rude or violent towards his staff. He had an absolute zero tolerance policy on that. So on the one and only occasion, Rae had been called out by a clubber who’d been annoyed that Rae wouldn’t play his choice of song (it was way too metal for her) and had shouted that she was a fat whore, Rich had punched him and removed him from the club. So Rae felt really safe there.

Rae liked Rich a lot. He was like an older brother to her. He opened the club most of the year round but would periodically take a month off to travel. He’d taken Rae under his wing a bit as he liked her like a sister. He owned a nice two bed Victorian terrace which Rae had been surprised to find was full of high end tech equipment. Rich actually did rather well for himself at the club but he wasn’t’ going to advertise that amd dressed as he felt comfortable and drove an old banger. Rae thought it was a shame he hadn’t got a girlfriend. She’d once caught him changing shirts mid shift during the club and she’d been surprised to see he was absolutely ripped underneath his baggy shirts. He’d confessed to having been a male stripper in his distant youth and had kept up the training. He’d given it up because he didn’t’ like the idea of making a living out of his body and it just attracted completely the wrong sort of girl.

Rae came out of her reminiscence and looked at herself in the mirror. Chloe had done a bloody good job. She did have her ubiquitous black leggings on with a black mini but she had a sequined top covered in black sequins with two electric blue lightning strikes on that matched her recently refreshed blue streaks at the front of her hair. She also had a new pair of bright blue converse on. Chloe had done her make-up quite heavily knowing that in the club it was better to have a little more on rather than a little less as it often melted and disappeared as the night went on.

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Finn kicked the set off with “Good evening boys and girls, ladies and gents. Tonight myself and the sensational yet extremely irritating Miss Earl are going to give you a ride through some of the best 90s Indie tunes. To get you all started I give you the awesome Bobby Gillespie. This track has a touch of gospel to it so Miss Earls should not be able to complain about it being too formulaic” with that he put on Movin’ on Up.

Rae smirked at him. She noticed that he really liked that track. Actually it was a fucking awesome choice. Nah she wasn’t going to snark back at him for that just beat him at his own game. “OK so this may not be strictly 90s so no catching me out on authenticity Nelson but you simply cannot get any better than the Roses” and she put on “This is the one”.

Finn smiled at her. This was going to be fun. He had been feeling much better after a week spent at Archie’s. Alice had called but had only stayed the one night. She’d had a major strop at some point but Archie had told her she was being unreasonable and that Finn was ill. She’d actually then told Finn she was going to stay in Cornwall for a few days with her mate Dave. She’d said she’d be back for his big club night. She hadn’t turned up yet and he was pleased. It was good to do his job without having to worry about her.

Finn and Rae carried on playing tracks in turn. Finn had played Beats International “Dub be good to me” at which point Rae had grabbed a mic “Honestly if you seriously think this is Indie music Nelson, then I’m the pope and with these girls, I think you’ll find that’s pretty unlikely”. Finn who had been sipping on a can of coke nearly choked. He couldn’t help but look at her girls. Jesus she had a banging rack.

Rae decided to completely change the tempo of the night - she needed to save her big dancey guns for later. She knew Finn’s knowledge in that area was far more extensive than hers. Rae played “Shine on “ by the house of Love. As the song ended Finn grabbed the mic “So Earl, you’ve shifted to Shoegazing Indie have ya? I am surprised, ‘cos I doubt you can see your shoes with those girls. I raise you the best shoegazers ever - Ride” and he put on Twisterella.

It was Rae’s turn to nearly choke, had she heard that correctly? She looked up at Finn who was blushing ever so slightly and he most definitely had a smirk on his lips. This was fun.

When it came to the more dancey section, Finn kicked off with an excellent dance mix of Saint Etienne’s “He’s on the phone”.  Finn was impressed when Rae responded with Gorillaz “Dare”.  This had just spurred more banter on and when their set finished at midnight both were in high spirits and exchanging regular insults. Finn was about to ask Rae if she wanted a snakebite when Alice rushed up and snogged him.  Rae was actually starting to feel uncomfortable, quite a crowd had amassed around them. Lots of people were firing questions at them, Finn was politely trying to answer a couple of questions when Rae slunk off.

Rae snuck out the back of the club, her earlier confidence seemed to evaporate when she found herself surrounded by a crowd of people. All the girls had either been petite like Alice or skinny and pretty and she had suddenly felt like she didn’t fit in . As she walked along she heard a shout.

“Oi you Rae Earl from No Crap FM?”

Rae turned around and saw a small group of men. She stuttered out “y, yeah?”

“Lads - this is the notorious Miss Earl.” They jeered.

“Well it’s bleedin’ obvious why you’re on the radio love. I mean you’ve hardly got the face for live work have you?”

The others jeered. Another voice piped up “Well it’s not just the face, look at that body.  Jabba the bloody hut’s got nothing on her”.

“Jabba, Jabba, Jabba”.  Rae froze, she could barely breathe, the world started to spin, she could barely breathe.

She noticed a quick movement out of the corner of her eye. Was that Finn? Had he just punched someone?

Finn had felt pretty comfortable with the questions but not with Alice’s hands being all over him. He then looked round and realised Rae had disappeared. He’d been looking forward to buying her that pint and he really didn’t want to be on his own with Alice. He looked around for Rae but couldn’t find her. In the end he went out of the back of the club to have a cigarette when he saw her. He had no idea what came over him, but he heard their words and saw the look on her face. It was as if he had no conscious control over his own body. He punched the ringleader hard and more than once.

He grabbed the idiot by the lapels and shook him and kneed him in the balls. “You apologise to her right now, or I’ll fuckin’ curl you up” . The man squeaked out “sorry, sorry”

“If I ever see you near her again, I won’t be responsible for my actions. And that goes for you twats as well”.

The men scarpered. Finn swallowed he was looking at his feet he had no idea what to say to Rae the only thing that came out was “Allright?”. He looked up to see Rae had already gone. “Shit”.

  
Finn wandered back to the club, grabbed his stuff and was already walking out of the door when Alice grabbed him,. He told her in no uncertain terms he was going on and she could either come with him or stay alone. Alice was so shocked she went home with Finn.


	4. Chapter 4

Finn had not slept well. The Rae he’d seen in those few minutes outside the club was not the confident, sharp witted girl he was used to. She had looked terrified, rooted to the spot, unable to walk away from those twats. He noticed his fists were balled again as he thought about what they’d said. He’d wanted to run after and follow her but his feet had felt leaden and rooted to the spot and he’d felt sick.

He’d actually been sick when they got home. He’d felt so unsettled he’d downed a couple of pints which he hadn’t been able to keep down. That had probably been a good thing as it least it had stopped him giving in and sleeping with Alice. God that would have been the last thing he wanted. He’d curled up in bed and tried to sleep. When Alice had crawled in and tried to snuggle up to him, he’d simply turned away from her.

Thank god Alice had gone by the time he woke up in the morning. He’d gone straight to work at the the record store. When he got home, he asked Izzy for Rae’s number. She’d given it to him but told him there was no point in calling “She’ll be working at the cafe silly”.

“I’ll try tomorrow morning then”

“Nah she’ll be working in the library then”.

In the library? How many jobs did this girl have? Bugger that reminded him he had his local radio station slot to do.

He was still worried on the Monday and so he called Archie that evening who gave him Rae’s number and address. “You haven’t upset her have you Finn?”

“No, well I think I haven’t “

“Finn you need to understand when we were all in college, things were tough for Rae. She had a lot of things to deal with back then.” Archie had explained a little more but didn’t want to break Rae’s confidence so had given as little detail as he could.

Finn had not been able to stop thinking about that call throughout his slot and was so relieved when it was over. It was midnight and his brain was wired. What the fuck to do now? It was a Monday night everybody else apart from Alice would be working tomorrow and not up for beers. Alice, shit he’d basically ignored her for the last two days. He tried to call her on his mobile.

He’d got through on the third attempt. She was out with friends but was keen to meet him. In the end he’d met her at her flat because that was considerably closer than his to the local radio station. When she’d let him in, he realised he couldn’t really remember the last time he’d been there. It was even messier than usual. Alice had made them Vodka Tonics. For once she noticed he seemed tense and upset. She poured him a second drink and a third. They shared a bath and one thing lead to another.

Finn woke up on Tuesday with Alice tangled up in his limbs. Shit why the fuck had he done that . He was disgusted with himself and left her sleeping and went to get a coffee. He couldn’t face going back there right now. Nah he needed to know Rae was ok. He decided to pop round that afternoon as Archie seemed to think she didn’t work on Tuesdays.

Finn’s heart was in his mouth as he knocked on the door.  His heart was hammering as the door opened when he realised it was Chloe, not Rae. “Finn” She threw her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. “How lovely of you to visit come in”.

Finn had gone in politely and had been surprised to find the flat was very girly and painted white. There had even been some pink floral fabric screen in the corner of the living room. Did Rae really live here? Having listen to Chloe waffle on about her week and invite herself along to his DJ slot at his usual club on Friday, he finally plucked up the courage to ask where Rae was.

“She’s working as usual”.

“Oh Archie said she didn’t work Tuesdays”.

“Well technically it’s not working as she’s not paid for it but she’s DJing at the hospital radio station this afternoon.”

Finn was really intrigued. “you mean she gives up her free time to DJ in the hospital. That’s pretty amazing”

“Daft more like. It’s not as if she doesn’t need the money. She’s working so many jobs at the moment I can barely keep up. Mind you Rich at the Dolly is always buying her records and stuff. I wonder if he likes her”.

Finn’s mind was going in all directions at this point. After another 10 minutes or so of inane chatter he excused himself and went home.

When Rae got home that evening, Chloe mentioned that Finn had dropped in and how he’d invited her to his club on Friday. Oh Finn, what must he think of her now after the club. Rae wasn’t surprised he’d invited Chloe to the club. She thought he and Chloe were far more suited than him and Alice. She sighed.

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Finn had had a shit week. He’d had a massive row with Alice for not having gone back to her flat. She had hysterics at him and had thrown herself at him again. This time he told he didn’t think it was a good idea. It had ended up with him saying he didn’t think they were a good idea but she’d storm off again before they could talk.

Finn was surprised that Chloe hadn’t brought Rae with her to the club . “Chlo where’s Rae?”

“Oh she’s been ill, she didn’t play her set at the Dolly last night. Bit odd really Finn. She didn’t go out to the cafe either. Actually I think the only thing she’s done all week is the hospital Djing”.

Chloe started to feel bad. Why hadn’t she realised something must be up with Rae. It was most unlike her not to work as she wouldn’t be paid but she couldn’t be ill as she’d been to the hospital as normal to do her afternoon stints at Hospital Radio and she wouldn’t go there if she was ill as she often let the children who were well enough come in and showed them how all the equipment worked.

Finn really needed to talk to Rae. He was now pretty pissed off with himself that he hadn’t tried a bit harder in the week.

He got to No Crap FM early the next day. He kept looking at his watch and thought she wasn’t going to show up when she finally came in a couple of minutes late. She had cherry red DM boots on but apart from that was entirely dressed in black. She barely looked Finn and set up.

Finn decided to start off. He did this most weeks anyway. He started off with something he was sure would get Rae fired up. The Beastie Boys’ “Fight for your right”. But Rae didn’t say anything or look up. He bit the inside of his cheek and quickly spoke to the production team “Erm Rae’s not well can one of you get her some tea please?”

Good that had got rid of one of them. It was only Steve and Dopey Dave now and Dave never looked up anyway so that was fine. Finn knew he was going to have to cover the next track. Finn scrabbled around and put on Oasis’ “Champagne Supernova”. Shit those tracks did not work well together Finn, get a fucking grip. At least  it was a long track. He scooted over to Rae on his wheely chair. He didn’t want the production team to see them talking as it could be awkward. He took his finger and traced letters out on her thigh “YOU OK?”

She bit her lip. He started again ILL? She shook her head. He wanted to talk to her but he couldn’t cover this easily and at that moment the door opened briefly and one of the team handed a cup of tea to Rae. She smiled and took it in her hands. and started drinking it - it was hot and sugary and lovely. She felt his fingers again WORK WITH ME?

She nodded gently. He had put on another track to let her finish her tea. “Can you dig it?” by the Mock Turtles. She smiled. Perhaps this wasn’t going to be so bad.

She finished her tea and faded down the track. “As you can probably tell, Nelson has lost the plot bigstyle tonight. I’ve never heard such an incoherent set of three tracks - tempo, style, performance - none of them remotely in the same stratosphere. If I didn’t know better I’d think part of his brain seeped out of his ear last night while he was sleeping. Even though it blatantly isn’t Nelson, here’s Dodgy’s “Good Enough”.

Finn smiled. He still wasn’t sure what was up with Rae but was determined to make her smile. “So Miss Earl I’m not good enough but I think you’ll find I’m free to do what I want, I ‘m free to be what I choose to quote this excellent track - The Soup Dragons’  “free”.”

As the music came on Finn was mouthing the words at Rae using his feet to scoot  his chair around and dancing with his arms in the air. She started giggling. “This one is especially for Nelson and it’s by one of his favourite bands, the Charlatans. This is weirdo”.

“Oi you” Finn’s voice could be heard just before they cut to the track.

Rae scooted her chair over to Finn’s. He’d really tried to help her. She traced THANKS on his thigh. Finn enjoyed the sensation of her finger on his thigh and he couldn’t’ help but smile at her. The pair resumed their normal banter for the next few tracks until the part of the show where they were due to take calls.

Steve was generally careful to ensure calls were screened such that they didn’t put complete idiots through but he must have missed this one. “I really enjoyed your set at the club last Saturday. So Miss Earl would you agree you’ve definitely got the face for radio”

Rae started to shake. Finn was desperately motioning at the perspex window drawing a finger over his neck. Come on dopey Dave look up.

“Can you play a song for me then Rae” the voice continued. “I’d either like Big Love by Roxette or Queen’s Fat Bottom Girls.”

At that moment the voice was cut as Finn shut them off air completely for a few seconds. This woke Dave up who disconnected the call and Finn shoved on this first vinyl he could find in the crate next to him which happened to be the Undertones’ Teenage Kicks, “Right people time for a bit of punk. John Peel loved these guys and so do I - the Undertones”.

Finn could see Rae was shaking now, her breathing appeared to be rather rapid. Steve was gesturing at him through the perspex. This was a short song and he needed a moment to check Rae was ok, fuck what the hell was he going to play?

Finn realised this had something to do with what happened at the club last weekend. He was so angry he once again found he had balled fists. He grabbed another record “Following on from the last track, on a punk theme we have “Ever Fallen in Love” by the BuzzCOCKS, yeah Buzzcocks seems appropriate for our last caller”. Hmm that wasn’t too professional.

Shit, she still hadn’t moved, Finn used his hands to make a T shape to signal to Steve through the perspex. By now Steve knew something was quite amiss and sent Dave and the other sound engineer out. He’d look after this one himself.

Finn scooted up to Rae. “Rae” he whispered. “This about what those twats said at the club last Saturday”. She didn’t move. “They were just pissed up twats Rae and they were fucking wrong.”

Shit this was another short track. He wrote on her leg. “I LIKE YOU. PRETTY”. Shit Nelson was that the best you can come with. She was still breathing quickly and tears were dropping gently down her cheeks. Suddenly it came to him. Music son, use music.

He rummaged around and grabbed the mic “Fraid you’ve got me again. Earl is a complete lightweight - she had too much to drink last night and has currently skulked off. Personally I reckon she’s hiding in the broom cupboard having a sly cuppa. She’s going to need a bomb up her arse to get her going so here’s Blondie’s Atomic for you”.

As the track came on Finn scooted next to Rae. He put his arm around her shoulders and started singing the track gently to her. “Oh, oh your hair is beautiful, oh tonight”.

He traced “IT REALLY IS” on her thigh followed by “YOU’RE ATOMIC”.

Rae started to calm down. She remembered that Finn had not run off on Saturday as she expected he would when he realised that what those idiots said was true. Actually he had been tracing on her thigh for sometime now and he was singing Blondie in the most ridiculous falsetto and she started to giggle. When he’d traced “ATOMIC GIRL” on her thigh, she swatted his hand away with hers and written “YOU’RE SO LAME” on his thigh.

He whispered in her ear “Don’t you mean” VAIN? He was reminding her of that first time they used songs on the show to describe each other. Dave handed Rae another cup of tea and Finn whispered “I’ll get the next one, you ready to go back on air after that?” She nodded.

Rae looked through Finn’s crate of records. Ha that would do. “Apologies folks I was not in the broom cupboard, just had a bit of a coughing fit as I was overwhelmed by Nelson’s BO. So here’s a suitably titled track for his little story “Unbelievable” by EMF”.

Finn hit her on the arm and traced on her thigh BO? She smirked at him. Somehow they managed to limp through the rest of the show. The sound engineers left the opposite room and Rae sighed. “Thanks Finn, I owe you. Sorry I fucked up.”

“Rae ya didn’t fuck up girl. They was just vile twats”.

“Yeah but Finn thank you. And for last week, ya didn’t’ have to”.

“I did Rae, I bloody well did. They shouldn’t’ have spoken to ya like that”.

“But Finn it’s just the truth”.

Oh shit, things started to become clearer to Finn. She really believed what they had said.

“I mean I’m alright here, people can’t see me but I know they like the music I play and that… but they’re disappointed when they actually get to see me”. Rae stood up and made to leave the room. She wanted out of there and home. She was reaching out for the door handle when she felt strong arms around her.

“Hey Rae” He pulled her close to him. She didn’t resist and she started to cry gently on his shoulder. “They were wrong. You’re fuckin’ amazing Rae. You’ve got great taste in music, you’re funny, you’re clever and you’re, you’re beautiful Rae”.

“Thanks Finn”

“It’s alright girl. “ He gave her a squeeze “So, come out for a drink with me , Chop, Izzy and Archie tonight”

“Erm Chloe’s coming to meet me.”

“She can come too.”

“What about Alice?”

“Oh she’s fucked off somewhere as usual” He sighed.

“Sorry to hear that Finn”.

“Not your problem Rae”. He ruffled her hair and they walked outside to meet the others.

When they arrived at the bar, Finn made sure he sat next to Rae. He needed to make sure she was ok. Chloe then sidled up to his other side. Chop got the first round in  and talk soon turned to work. First of all Chop was complaining about having too many cars in to service and the problems he’d had trying to find some rare parts and then Chloe had waffled on and on about next’s seasons’ collection.

Rae felt Finn’s fingers on her thigh again. YAWN. GOD. THIS. IS. BORING.

God that felt good she thought. Why the hell did he have to have a girlfriend. Chop then started telling some silly joke about a one-eared elephant. She moved her finger onto his thigh and traced out. SO.NOT.FUNNY. Finn started to choke on his beer as he accidently inhaled some.

“God you ok Finn. Here what can I do” Chloe had virtually thrown her arms around Finn. Finn was looking a bit flustered. Rae made her excuses and left. What had she been thinking. Finn was trying to being a supportive as a friend nothing more.

******************************************************

Finn had spent the rest of the evening fending Chloe off. Christ if Alice was here now, she would be seriously unimpressed. He had no real idea where she was now and he wasn’t sure he actually cared.

On Tuesday, Finn went to the hospital at what Chloe had told him was the end of Rae’s stint. He knew where the little Radio station was as he remembered it from when his gran was in there. He waited outside her booth to see her.

“Finn what on earth you doing here”.

“Oh just passing. “ She didn’t look convinced. “Actually Rae I came to see you. I’ve been to see nan’s grave which is in the crematorium graveyard only about half a mile from here. And then I thought I’d see how you ‘re doing.”

“I’m fine thanks Finn”.

“So how long you been doing this for?” he asked.

“A couple of years. I had a friend who was in here some years back and I remembered it and I wanted to erm, give something back. I mean she enjoyed the radio while she was in here.” Rae bit her lip.

“Actually me nan did too. I mean she enjoyed it while she was here. It was way before your time though Rae. She died when I was still in college”.

Rae grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “So Finn tell me about your nan”. Finn talked and talked about his nan to Rae as they walked together back into town. “Look Finn I’ve got to go work now “- she gestured at the cafe they were standing outside.  “Shall I make you a brew - on me?” He smiled and nodded. He happily sat in the warm cafe drinking his tea watching Rae bustle round serving people and being polite. Archie had come in as he knew Rae was working. He patted Finn on the back. He was slightly surprised to see Finn there, but then again he wasn’t.  

“Alright Finny boy”

“Aye. On me second cup of tea”.

Archie watched Finn’s face as Rae came over. Rae made some sort of joke and Finn blushed and looked down. Archie smiled to himself. After Rae had taken his order, and gone off to make him a latte Archie spoke. “Look Finn, if you like her, there’s something I should probably tell you about”.

“I don’t like her”. Shit that had slipped out quickly. “I mean I do, I mean we’re friends”.

“Whatever Finn”. It was clear to Archie Finn liked Rae but he wasn’t sure that Finn realised it himself. He’d heard Saturday Night’s radio show and had some idea what had happened.

“Finn, you know I said that Rae had some, issues back in college. A lot of it related to the fact she didn’t like the way she looked. It utterly destroyed her confidence. And that wasn’t helped by your nasty ex-girlfriend Stacey. She was a complete bitch to Rae and bullied her mercilessly for quite some time. “

“Oh, oh god. I always knew Stacey could be a bitch. I mean that’s why I broke up with her.”

“Stacey was a real bully Finn. Simple as that and none of us realised just how awful she was but she pushed Rae a bit too far”.

“What do you mean Archie?” He didn’t like the sound of this.

Archie was thinking how to phrase this when Rae came over to clear the table. Finn didn’t want this to end but he could see Rae was busy. Thinking about what Archie said he thought he could help Rae re-gain her confidence DJ-ing in a different club if she came to his regular slot. Nobody would care if she played the odd track and it was far more chilled than the big out of town club where they had played together.

“So Rae, how’d you like to come and hear one of my sets on Friday night. That’s if you can cope with my superior music knowledge”.

“What! No way”.

Finn looked slightly crestfallen. “My music knowledge is hands down better than yours. Can I bring Chlo?”

Finn nodded “I’ll get Chop and Izzy to come to.”

“What about Alice” Bollocks Rae why’d you mention her.

“She’s away at the moment, so I very much doubt she’ll be around”. He wanted to add he hoped she was not going to be around but that was something that he needed to work through with Alice at the right time otherwise she would never understand and would never leave him alone.

***************************************************************

Chloe and Rae giggled while they were getting ready on Friday night. Chloe was really going for it with a stupidly short red dress with cut out panels and black suede strappy sandals. She piled the make-up on.

Rae wore a blue dress with black cable tights as opposed to leggings. She put on her bright blue converse boots. She allowed Chloe to make her up and had ended up with a shimmery silver blue eyeshadow thing going on and thick black eyeliner. She’d put tiny blue sparkly earrings in her ears and threw her leather jacket on account of the cold.

“Wow Rae you look amazing”

“So you do Chlo. That dress is almost indecent.” Chloe giggled “Well!”

“So Rae who’s coming? “

“Chop Izzie and Archie I think.”

“No Alice?”

“Finn says she’s away. I don’t think he knows where she is.”

“She’s pretty horrible to him isn’t she. I don’t like her Rae. I think she’s bad news. I mean its so odd that she goes away and doesn’t tell him where she’s going. If I had a boyfriend like Finn, I’d want to spend all my time with him.”

“You’re right Chloe - she doesn’t treat him well. But who are we to judge other people’s relationships when neither of us has ever had a really decent relationship.”

“Rae” Chloe said swotting Rae’s arm. “Jim was decent”

“Yeah Chlo and he was also receding and B O R I N G. Come on Chlo you are worth so much more than that”.

“Yeah! Let’s get a taxi back tonight, I want to drink. I don’t think either of us should  have to be chauffeur for the night.”

Rae gave her a high five.

****************************************

Rae and Chloe arrived at the club just after 10. Chop, Izzy and Archie came up to them. They hit the bar and ordered a round of vodka redbulls. When they had got their drinks, they moved to the side of the room where there were narrow ledges for drinks and stools.

Rae took her leather jacket off and noticed the change in track. Finn was playing “Something Good” By Utah Saints and he was mixing it in a way she hadn’t heard before. He was wearing a white t-shirt with short rolled up sleeves and black jeans. He had one hand on his huge headphones and another on the vinyl on the deck. Fuck he’s so  darn hot especially the way he’s moving his body to the music. Rae stood there looking, her jaw must have been practically on the floor when Chloe tapped her on the shoulder.

“He’s really fit isn’t he Rae.I mean just look at his arms in that t-shirt. I’ve just got to go up and dance with him”.

“Chlo, just make sure he’s ok with you being up there. He is working you know”.

“Yeah come with me Rae”.

Rae and Chloe walked up to the DJ booth at the front, it was open on all sides from waits height , set up on a platform and had a lockable door. Finn gave them both a warm smile and opened the door.

“You go up Chlo, I’m going to dance with Archie”. Rae waved at Finn and turned round and walked off.

Shit that was not what he had intended. Now he was stuck up here with Chloe who dancing a bit too provocatively for his liking. He could see Rae dancing with Archie and they were both really enjoying themselves. Right now he just wanted to be Archie. He played a couple more tracks and hoped Rae was going to come up and at least rescue him from Chloe. But she seemed to be ignoring him.

Rae was actually a pissed off with Finn who seemed to be enjoying Chloe’s dancing and attention.  She was also a tiny bit pissed off with Chloe but she could hardly blame her. She went and got another drink with Archie when she heard Finn’s voice.

“Now I think this is a banging tune, so I want you all out there dancing. But I know there’s an opinionated girl out there who is going to hate me for playing this. And before you shout at me Earl, I can guarantee this song is in no way a rip off of the Beatles “Come Together”. This is the Happy Mondays people and “Step on””.

Rae’s eyes widened. She practically shoved her drink at Archie. That did it. He was insulting her taste. She stomped up to the Dj booth and Chloe let her in. Rae shooed Chloe out. “I need to have serious music words with that knobhead, go and have a drink Chlo”. Chloe didn’t look impressed but Rae was adamant.

Finn smirked as she came up and shouted in her ear “What’s the problem Earl. You know you got that wrong. What I don’t get is how on earth you ever linked the two songs in that tiny brain of yours”.

“Fuck you Nelson. “ She smirked. “Can I play a track”.

He nodded. As his track was coming to an end she grabbed the mic and headphones. “Good evening people, I’m afraid I’ve had to hijack Nelson’s slot after that tripe he’s foisted on you. Even my kid sister knows if you’re going to dance to the Mondays it should always be this track.” And with that she played a club mix of Hallelujah.

Finn was dancing with his arms in the air and laughing. He tried to get Rae dance with him but she wasn’t having it, He grabbed back the mic and started talking “Suggest you listen to the title of this next one Earl. It describes your last choice perfectly and you know you’re going to have to give in” He chuckled and played “No Good Start the Dance” by the Prodigy.

Rae spun around and flipped him the bird. When it came to her turn Rae grabbed the mic off Finn who had practically made her wrestle him for it.

“Let’s all join to together and agree Nelsons last choice, was honestly agricultural. Here go you  Nelson it’s The Farm’s “Altogether Now”. “

Shit she was outdoing him at his own game. He was going to need a change of tactic - he motioned for Archie and asked him for two double vodka redbulls. He was going to need a bit of Dutch courage for his next move.  Rae slipped off to the loos. He needed to change the tempo a bit.

“Right ladies and Gent’s, I am going to slow things down a bit, Back to real old school music for dancing.” He played a couple more tracks and Archie came back with his drink.

“Arch, I need Rae up here now.”

Archie raised his eyebrows…. “Pretty please Archie”.

“Alright then but you’d better be nice to her Finn.” Archie talked Rae into going back up to the DJ booth with Finn, blatantly lying that Finn was tired and it would be nice if she could go up and give him a 10 minute break. He hated lying.

When Rae got there Finn passed her a glass of vodka redbull and he put on Bob Marley’s “Could you be loved”. What the fuck? Thought Rae, this doesn’t fit. She was about to say something when she noticed Finn was dancing arms on the hair and gently swaying his hips in time with the hypnotic rhythm of the music. Jesus nobody should be allowed to look that good. She gulped back the vodka.

When Finn nodded his head to indicate she should come closer, she had no idea what came over her. She couldn’t help this. “Alright Girl, dance with me?”

Rae raised her eyebrows at him and then he turned and bumped his bottom into hers which made her giggle. That was it - she was dancing swaying her hips and her back pressed against his. This wasn’t bad and she could feel his bum against hers.

Suddenly he turned her around so they were facing. She felt almost high with the smell of his body, the way his arms were on her waist and his mouth singing away. She started to feel a tingle spreading out from her waist where his hands were placed. This was too much so she turned round to dance facing the audience. She was really moving her hips now and her arms were in the air, she moved slowly backwards and accidently into his body.

Finn was barely able to breathe. She had been dancing face to face with him and he’d not been able to move his eyes up from her breasts bouncing as she gently swayed and now she was swaying her bottom against his crotch. Shit Nelson, not now, bollocks, he had no control over it. He’d brought this on himself and he smiled. He’d gently moved past her to put on the next track - Marley again (Stir it Up) and mumbled something incoherent into the Mike. The audience didn’t seem to mind.

He’d swung Rae to face him and had one arm holding onto her at the waist and another in the air. She had both hands in the hair and her body was swaying in time with the music.

“Jesus Christ” said Chop pointing at Rae and Finn. “I’ve never seen him dance like that  when he’s DJing ever.” Archie smiled.

“I think it’s sweet” said Izzy.

Chloe was about to say something when she realised that this was the time not to be selfish. Finn might be super fit but he had far more in common with Rae and Rae deserved to be happy.

As the dancing continued and Rae and Finn got closer Chop said rather loudly “I think it’s safe to say Finny boy has the hots for Miss Earl big style”.

“What!” he heard an angry voice behind him,. He turned. Shit it was Alice.  He tried to stand in front of her and block her view but it was no good she’d seen them.

Alice stormed up towards the DJ booth. She was livid. Finn had always refused to dance with her while he was DJ-ing. This was not on.

“Quick someone do something.” Izzy cried.

Chop and Archie had both had enough of Alice and her tantrums and general lack of disregard for Finn. By the time they got up there , Rae had already extracted herself from the DJ booth.  She looked like she wanted to run and they both enveloped her in a giant hug in time to hear Alice “What the fuck Finn. What the fuck are you doing dancing and not any old dance either, I mean proper dancing with …. with her of all people Finn.”

“I’m sorry Alice but that was my idea”

“What do you mean it was your idea?”

“I asked her to dance with me and I’m sorry Alice but you can’t do this to me anymore. “

“But I’m your girlfriend Finn”

“Really? Where were you last week. Damned if I know. Did you not listen to me? Now please go. I don’t want to see you again”.

Finn stormed back in the DJ booth only just in time to change tracks.

Archie and Chop relaxed their hug around Rae who was standing there looking shocked.

“Err sorry Raemundo, we erm wanted to make sure you were ok”.

“I just forgot to let go of Chop” quipped Archie “I’d forgotten about his muscular arms”.

Rae gave a small half smile. “Yeah well I suppose I’m glad I heard the last bit and I can’t lie I would have left pretty quickly without you two. God I am so embarrassed”.

“Rae you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about it was just a dance” said Izzy. Chloe nodded.

“Yeah but he has a girlfriend”

“Had a girlfriend if you could ever call her that” corrected Archie.

Finn’s set had finished and he walked over. He was biting his lip. He grabbed Rae’s hand and whispered in her ear.

“Rae I’m so sorry. Please we need to talk”.

  
“Not tonight Nelson. I’m tired” and with that she grabbed Chloe’s hand,. They picked up their coats and left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has one of my favourite scenes in it - not planned, it just wrote itself.

Rae thought she was going to want to dissect the whole evening in detail as she and Chloe would normally do when they got home. But in reality, she’d said very little. There were so many thoughts running through her head, she couldn’t understand them let alone vocalise them. Chloe had gone to bed as she needed to get up as Saturday was always the busiest day for her at the clothes shop.

Rae knew she had actually been enjoying herself and having fun DJ’ing when she probably wouldn’t have even tried without Finn’s input. She wondered if Finn would get into trouble for having let her have a go. She’d been feeling a bit of her confidence return DJ’ing live and she was grateful for that.

And there had been that dance. Jesus that must have been the vodka - or had it? She’d never have had the confidence to dance like that on the dance floor let alone quite so publically before. Her mind recalled the feel of his body next to hers and his smell. He was the one who initiated it - wasn’t he? And he certainly wasn’t shy about how he danced with her or who saw them. It had made her tingle in such a way that her stomach got butterflies just thinking about it. She blushed at the memory.

Then she remembered Alice. Shit Rae - you’re a bad person you were dancing in what could only be described as a flirtatious fashion with someone else’s boyfriend. That was really poor form. She’d heard what Finn had said to Alice afterwards and was grateful Archie and Chop had, in effect, given her the chance to hear that as otherwise she’d have been so mortified she would probably have had to resign from No Crap FM.

Rae curled up on her bed wrapping the duvet tightly around her.

*****************************************************************************************************

Finn had wanted to go after Rae when she left but he’d been stopped by Archie and Chop. Archie had counselled patience - he thought Rae probably felt uncomfortable about the whole Alice situation. He’d pointed out the fact that he had been Alice’s boyfriend for quite some time now and Alice may not have understood what Finn had meant to final in their conversation at her flat and just now in the club.

Archie had somewhat unhelpfully reminded Finn of the fact Alice had gone away several times without telling Finn where she was going and he’d always welcomed her back - maybe with relief as opposed to open arms but they’d never broken up properly before and he probably should talk to Alice properly about the whole thing to make sure she did not misunderstand this time.

When he got back to the flat with Chop and Izzy, they’d found the place in total disarray. Stuff was scattered everywhere, Finn’s records had been thrown all over the floor of his room and some were on the landing and some in the living room. A large number of them were broken.

“Jesus Christ” Chop exclaimed.

Finn  was standing there rooted to the spot. Izzy put her hand on his arm. “It’s alright Finn, we can sort out the mess. This is not your fault Finn.”

Finn was white a sheet as Alice came out of his room.

“It bloody well is his fault Izzy. Don’t defend him, he’s my boyfriend. Mine - do you hear that Finn, Mine. I’ve just treated your records like you’ve treated me tonight”.

“Alice you are bang out of order” Chop intervened. “Have you not listened to Finn”.

“He’s my boyfriend. That lump of a DJ should not have been dancing with MY boyfriend. “

“Alice I was dancing with her.”

“Well I suppose I can understand you must have felt sorry for her. I mean I can’t believe she’s ever had many offers and she probably confused you being nice and friendly for something else”.

Finn was shaking with rage now “You are fucking unbelievable Alice. Fucking unbelievable. I am going to say this once so you had bloody better listen. I wasn’t dancing with Rae because I felt sorry for her or anything like that. I asked her to dance with me because I wanted to dance with her. How dare you speculate on whether or not Rae’s had many so called “offers”. Unlike you she’s beautiful inside and out .”

“But I am your girlfriend” Alice interrupted.

“NO. I’ve said before that  I didn’t want to see you again. I meant it then Alice and I mean it now. “

“You can’t do this to me Finn, we’ve been together for ages. I think perhaps we could go away together, there’s a little Finca..”

“ALICE - just fucking listen will ya? Yes we were in a relationship for a while, a proper relationship. But I can’t call what’s been going on for the last year or two a relationship. I have no idea where you’ve been half the time, who you’re with, what you’re doing, whether you’re ok even. You then come back and expect us to pick back up where we left off. “

“I haven’t been with anyone else Finn”

“That may be the case but it’s not good enough Alice. You’ve not thought about how I feel about it., not considered that I might be worried, never even asked me once how I felt about the whole thing. It’s all about you Alice. You. That’s not a relationship. Where’s the trust in that?And after what you’ve done tonight, I don’t think we could even be friends.”

“Finn, please, I can replace your vinyl. I know how much it means to you, I am so sorry”.

“Fuck’s sake.. You don’t fucking yet it do you. It’s not about the records Alice. Please just get out. I will drop your stuff off next week. “

Finn was running his hand through the back of this hair looking at the floor.  “Finn” she was running her hand up and down his back and wrapping herself around him.

“Not this time Alice. Never again. I’m sorry I was weak enough to give in in the past but not again. Just go”.

Alice was rooted to the spot. “Alice will ya just leave me alone. How many more fucking times do I have to say it”.

Alice fled and slammed the door behind her.

Chop smiled. Finn had finally done it. He walked into kitchen and grabbed some beers from the fridge and came back singing “Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead”.

“Chop!” Izzy glared at him.

“Nah Izzy he’s right. What was I thinking?”

The three of them sat down for beers and Finn ended up sleeping on the sofa as his room was in such a state.

***********************************************

Finn came into the studio looking a bit worse for wear the next day  thought Rae. Finn smiled when he saw Rae and pulled her in for a hug in front of the crew but she put a hand on his chest and pushed him back. “I don’t think so Finn.”  Finn frowned  at her and walked off into the studio dumping his bag in the floor and slamming himself into a chair.

Rae was not impressed. Did Finn seriously think after last night he could just come in and hug her as if, as if nothing had happened? He’d only ever hugged her when they were pissed before now. God he was up himself and now he was in grump.

Finn started the show with The verve’s Bittersweet Symphony. Rae had gone back with “When I grow up” by Garbage. “Here’s a song for the stroppy toddler Mr Nelson who looks like someone’s stolen his favourite toy”.

Instead of looking cross. Finn just looked sad. Rae was a bit perplexed. She reasoned he must be feeling bad about his tiff with Alice. Yeah and he was probably embarrassed he was caught dancing with her. He probably regretted the whole thing and was worried about getting back with Alice.  

He’d then put on Eels “Novocaine for the soul”. “Right now I need a big dose of this. Calpol simply won’t work Earl.”

Rae had played “Female of the species” by Space. “Nelson I don’t know what planet you are on today but I have, have always had and will always have superior taste to you. You have a massive case of grumpy-pants.”

“This is for motormouth. If she ever shuts up long enough to listen to the music. This track is called “This is how it feels” by the Inspiral Carpets.” He hoped Rae would listen to the lyrics.

Rae thought this didn’t sound like the normal Finn. He really wasn’t on good form. Rae decided not to shred his choices just change tack. “Finn here’s feeling a bit under the weather so to prevent you from having to listen to anymore dross, I am going play you a set of ultimate cool tunes starting with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ Under the Bridge.”

Rae then played the next few songs. Finn went out had a cigarette and a cup of coffee with Steve. “You ok Finn?”

“Yeah. I think. Sorry Steve I’ve been up all last night. I ditched Alice this week and she’s been awful. ”

“Oh”

“Last night she trashed the flat. My vinyl’s everywhere. Quite a bit of its broken, I couldn’t face going through it today.”

“Shit Finn. I’m sorry. “

Finn wanted to tell him about Rae but that would just be wrong Steve was his boss and more importantly her boss. “I’ll get back to it now”. Steve nodded and Finn went back through to the studio.

“To thank Miss Earl,  I’m going to play you a Blur track, Yes you heard it right. So go figure and listen to this Rae -  Coffee and TV”.

Rae turned up and looked at him. What was that all about? She found herself singing along to the lyrics.. “We could start over again”. She smiled. Yeah she supposed. She liked that’d he chosen a song she knew he didn’t like. Yeah they could be friends.

“Back at you Nelson. Back at you Oasis’ “Bring it on down” And by the way you’re wrong - What’s the Story will always be better than Definately Maybe.”

Finn glanced up and her and smiled. “This is Kula Shaker’s Tattva. I think you’ll find Rae, the lyrics are about as comprehensible as anything you spout”.

Right that was it. “To finish to tonight, for the most pig-headed arrogant DJ ever who think’s he’s the music messiah, The Roses “I am the Resurrection”.

Finn was in hysterics. She had stitched him good and proper there. She was so cute when when she was angry, or was that hot Finn?

When the track and show ended, Finn looked at her. This talking business was far harder than on the air. “You ok, Rae? I mean after last night”.

“Yeah”.

“Look I’m really sorry about Alice, she’s a bit of a nightmare.”

“yeah well I was dancing with her boyfriend.” Rae blushed.

“Ex I think you’ll find that I tried to tell her things were finished earlier in the week and again last night because she didn’t seem to get it the first time,.” His face fell as he recalled the ugly exchange and the state of his flat.

“Oh sorry to hear about that”. Rae suddenly realised that last night now looked a bit different.

That was not the reply he expected.

Archie walked up and Steve came out to join them. After Finn had introduced them. Archie said “Come on Finn let’s get back now and sort it out. I know it’s late but I reckon we should have it sorted by midnight”.

“I’d like to help too. I should be able to work out which records are scratched beyond use and if I’ll make a list of what can’t be salvaged and see what spares I’ve got”.

“What?” asked Rae.

“Oh didn’t you know Rae. Alice trashed the flat last night. Finn’s vinyl is all over the place. A lot of records are broken. Chop says you can’t even get into Finn’s room.”

“Oh shit Finn” Rae walked up to him and instinctively hugged him. He could smell her hair and feel her soft body pressed up against his. It felt so good. Rae felt his hard muscular body pressed up against hers and her breath caught in her throat. Steve and Archie’s eyes met.

Steve thought Archie must be thinking the same thing as him by the look on his face. They were so suited.

********************************************************************

Chop and Izzy had both been at work and so the flat was fairly much in the state it had been left in from the previous night. Finn had begged them not to clean up without him as he needed to check all the records. When the door was opened, Rae’s mouth dropped. There were records and broken pieces of records littering a large part of the hallway and there were quite a lot in the living room.

“Fucking hell , Finn”.

“If you think that’s bad just take a look in me room”. Finn pursed his lips and swallowed. He was embarrassed. Embarrassed about the scenes ALice had created last night, embarrassed that this had happened in Chop and Izzy’s flat and embarrassed that he’d not broken up with her sooner.

Steve and Rae couldn’t even open the door to Finn’s room properly. There were crates all over the floor, the bed, the chest and it looked like Alice had thrown the drawers of his chest out over them and possibly even jumped on the vinyl. Rae couldn’t believe her eyes. How many records had Finn got?But Steve got there first.

“Finn, how many records you own mate? Got to be way over a thousand.”

Finn nodded “Closer to two thousand at last count Steve”.

Steve patted him on the shoulder and they all got to work sorting it out. Chop and Izzy went out and bought beers and pizza which gave everyone a much welcome break. Rae spotted a CD player in the living room and put on Nirvana’s Nevermind.

“Thought Grunge was dead Finn” she smirked pointing at his t-shirt.

“Oi you.” He went up and bopped her on the nose with his finger and she returned it. They looked each other. Finn thought he so could get lost in those eyes. Rae was trying to read Finn’s expression.

Both of them realised the room was full of other people when Steve leapt up “Come on people its’ well past midnight. I quite fancy the idea of some sleep tonight”.

The mess took far longer to sort than expected. They’d started off by collecting broken records and putting them in a sack, making a note of exactly what had been lost. Steve had evaluated the scratched records, those that would be useless were binned and noted like the broken ones, anything questionable was put in one crate and anything with only minor damage in another. By 3am, they cleared Finn’s room enough that the bed was useable so Steve went home as he was exhausted and Chop and Izzy went to bed. Rae said she’d call a taxi home.

“Don’t be daft Rae you can kip on my bed and Archie and I’ll take the sofa”.

“Nah, I can’t relegate you two the sofa I’ll get a taxi”.

“Rae listen to him you’ve got work tomorrow”. Archie said.

“Oh alright then” she rolled her eyes “but you two are so having the bed”.

“I’m not having you sleep on the sofa Rae”. said Finn.

“Look you two take the bed and I’ll have the sofa” said Archie.

Oh God thought Rae what if Finn doesn’t want to, she quickly said “Nah you can’t sleep on the sofa Archie”.

Finn butted in “Look its a 5 foot bed, I’m knackered, there’s room for all of us - can we please stop debating”.

Archie and Rae nodded. Finn and Archie slept in Finn’s joggers and t-shirts and Rae removed her skirt and jumper leaving her in leggings and a Stone Roses T-shirt. There was no bloody way she was going to remove her bra however uncomfortable it was to sleep in. That was taking it too far and the risk of escapee tits too high.

The three of them sat on edge of the bed. Nobody wanted to get in first.

Archie decided to climb in and got in on one side.

This worried Rae as it meant she had to sleep next to Finn. “Archie I wanted to sleep there you go in the middle.”

Archie most definitely did not want to be the barrier in the middle of those to all night - he hated playing gooseberry. God he could get accidently groped by Finn. “No Rae you sleep in the middle, I’ve only ever topped and tailed with  Finn. I might accidently mistake him for Dan and snog him in my sleep”. That wasn’t strictly true and Finn raised an eyebrow at him.

Come on Finn, thought Archie I am trying to help you out here.

“Yeah Rae I think you should sleep in the middle” said Finn.

“Err” Rae said. She wouldn’t mind so much but she thought she’d take up so much space.

“Look Rae, you’ve made me say it but to quote Cornershop’s “Brim Full of Asha” - “Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow””. Finn smirked.

Rae blushed, he was not getting away with this. “Alright, I’ll sleep in the middle. But just to be clear these girls” she grabbed her breasts in her hands “are not, or will never be pillows. So if I find either of you misusing them as pillows I reserve the right to knee you in the nuts”.

Archie sniggered partly at Rae but partly at Finn’s face which was a picture. He was practically drooling.

Finn could not believe she just done that. It had made him feel all funny and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her breasts. Shit he had a semi, perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea. He climbed into bed and turned to face the wall. Archie and Rae also got in.

Despite being exhausted none of them could really sleep.

“Finn, how come you’ve got so many records. I mean when did you start collecting”. Rae asked.

Finn rolled onto his back and recounted his story, Archie nudging him along with little snippets.  “Well and after me nan died, she left me some money.”

“Oh Finn” she remembered about that from when he’d walked her to the cafe and grabbed his hand.

“I missed her terribly and music was one of things that made it tolerable. She loved music too you know. Always played records to me when I was sad after mum left  and I guess it came from there”.

Rae pulled Finn into a hug. Then she realised Archie was in the bed too. “Archie come here, group hug”. They’d all softly spoken for another half hour or so about fond memories they had of music and gradually they’d all drifted off.

Archie woke up before Finn’s alarm went off because he was cold. He rubbed his eyes and saw Rae and Finn had nabbed all the covers. They were virtually tangled together, legs entwined, one of her hands was on his chest and he had an arm slung over her waist.  Archie smiled and pulled some of the covers back. This caused Rae to stir and try to grab them back, this in turn caused Finn to move the hand from Rae’s waist such that it ended up on her breasts.

When the alarm went off ten minutes or so later. Finn woke up to find his right hand on Rae’s breasts. He gently tried to move his hand off but as he was half asleep he sort of dragged his hand across her breast and he’d felt her nipple stiffen and she moaned lightly.

Oh fuck, he had the biggest morning glory ever and Archie was in the bed too.

“Finn will you turn the fucking alarm off it’s doing my head in “ Rae complained.

“No, I er can’t” said Finn who had rolled onto his stomach.

Archie knew what Finn’s problem was likely to be and lept out of bed and turned the alarm off. “It feels like the god of broken records has nicked my mojo and right now I need caffeine. So would either of you like a tea or coffee?”

“It’s alright Archie” said Rae. “Shit I need to get to work.” Rae leapt out of bed and was dragging her skirt over her leggings. She ran out of the room and knocked on Izzy’s door.

“Izz can I borrow your deodorant”

“Rae “ Izzy ran out of the room “Did you stay last night?” her eyes wide.

“Yeah Archie, Finn and I all bunked in. Sorry I’m in a rush need to get to work”.

“Oh. Er help yourself to my stuff it’s all in the bathroom”.

“Thank you” she gave Izzy a huge hug.

Rae came out of the bathroom after 5 minutes and ran to Finn’s room where Archie had just brought coffee in. She picked up her jacket and gave Archie a hug and kissed him on the cheek.

“Rae at least stay for a cup of tea before you go. You should really have something.” Finn really didn’t want her to leave.

“Where do you think I work silly. I think you’ll find they have plenty of tea in a cafe”. She leant over and kissed him on the cheek  and she couldn’t help herself but whisper in his ear “By the way Nelson you snore bigtime” and with that Rae ran out of the flat.

“Oh Fuck” Finn rolled onto his back and put his hands over his face, his morning glory was back her warm breath near his ear had done it.

Archie started laughing and Chop Walked in  to see what all the fuss was. Finn got out of bed and his erection was blatantly obviously in his tracksuit bottoms. He couldn’t be bothered to hide it as Archie already knew.

Chop and Archie shared a look. Chop just couldn’t help himself. “I’m assuming Raemundo is responsible for that, you’ve got it real bad haven’t you.”

“Well he was asleep with his face in her chest for a good few hours.”

Oh bollocks his mind recalled the feel of her chest. “Fuck off you two,  I’m having a shower and there’s no need to call a search party if I’m not out in 10 minutes”.

“Oi you dirty fucker, not in the shower. “ Chop was shouting at Finn.

“Isn’t Finn supposed to be at work Chop”

“Nah he called in yesterday to take the day off to sort the mess out.  Why don’t you stick around Izz is going swimming and we can have brunch”.

Archie smiled.

***********************************************

Rae turned up at the cafe to find Chloe there. “Shit Chlo, sorry I forgot to call. God I am so sorry. I kind of spent last night at Finns”

Chloe raised her eyebrows.

“No, No I didnt’ mean that. Alice had trashed the flat and Archie, Steve and I went back after the show to go and help the others clear up. We kind of lost track and Archie, Finn and I ended up sharing Finns bed”.

Chloe started giggling. “What the three of you. So who got the middle?”

“Me actually. I was fully dressed. Don’t worry the girls didn’t give either of them a black eye”.

“Rae you are terrible. I’m glad you’re ok. I actually went down the Dolly looking for you as I was out with Rita from work”.

“You down the Dolly without me?”

“Yeah. Rich looked after us. Gave us a load of free drinks. Asked us back to see you play later this week”.

“I bet he did” Rae giggled, she knew Rich had a soft spot for Chloe but he was not Chloe’s usual type.

*****************************************************

Archie, Finn and Chop sat down eating fried breakfasts on the sofa.

Once they had finished Archie decided to speak up. “Finn, now I know you like Rae, properly”

“What on the basis of one giant erection?” Chop joked.

“Shut up Chop, I was trying to be serious. I was actually referring to a number of things. They talked last night.”

“But you were there too Archer”

“Chop either shut up or just do one”. Chop shut up, Archie only ever spoke like that if he really meant it.

“Finn there’s stuff you need to know about Rae, from college days.”

“I am sure she can tell me herself”

“She may or she may not but I don’t want you fucking this chance up because Rae deserves more than that and you’ll only get one chance with her Finn”.

Finn listened as Archie expanded on what he’d told Finn before about Stacey bullying Rae as well as Simmy and some of the others. How that had destroyed her confidence to the point where she’d left college for a while, how things had got very dark. He hadn’t mentioned that Rae had hurt herself as that was hers and hers alone to share. He mentioned about the fact she’d had a boyfriend Liam who had brought her even lower. He explained that it had taken Rae a long time to build back her confidence and that if Finn really liked her he was going to have to make it clear in no uncertain terms.

He explained that Rae still had doubts about the way she looked and how she felt she couldn’t compete with other girls because she didn’t’ look like the girls on the cover of a magazine.

“But that’s wrong Rae is pretty and  pretty hot too” Chop interjected.

“Yeah Chop but she doesn’t see it that way. She mostly thinks people who say that she is pretty are taking the piss or they’re saying to as they just want to get her into bed. Finn if you really like her dont’ underestimate how these feelings impact her. I know she’s a tough cookie but …”

Finn patted Archie on the back “Thanks Archie. I feel shit really shit. Shit that I never got to know her, shit about what Stacey did and shit for Rae having to go through all that shit”.

  
  


**************************************

  
  


Finn had been desperate to see Rae all week but with the sheer number of jobs they worked it had proved difficult. Finn had sacked off the record shop one day and walked Rae to the hospital and helped her with her show. Rae went with him to lay flowers on his nan’s grave and she’d held his hand. But as soon as they got back to town she ran off to a shift in the cafe.

Rae had tried to call him twice but he’d been out working. By the time Chop remembered to give him the message it was Saturday and time for the show again.

The next radio show, Rae had kicked off as she was in a really good mood.

“To start with a life lesson for Nelson from Blondie “Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone”.

Fuck Chop. Finn scooted his chair over to Rae’s and traced. CHOP’S A TWAT on her thigh. She giggled and then hijacked the mic for the second  record.

“It appears that grumpy here doesn’t know his arse from his elbow when it comes to body part insults so to help him figure things out this is Blur’s “Boys and Girls”.

Finn traced on her thigh. CHEEKY COW. Followed by GRUMPY?

She’d replied on this thigh. YEP GRUMPY

Finn had to get his own back. “Just to spoil little Miss Sunshine’s happy day , you’ll find Grumpy here is “Only happy when it rains” Garbage for you Earl”.

Rae got back with “Nelson “Does your mother know you’re out?” Mr Men references? Really ? You sound like a three year old - here’s Abba for you”. Rae smirked at Finn.

Finn traced on her thigh I FUCKING HATE ABBA. Rae had replied I KNOW.

“Earl that last track was utter tripe and you know it. You think you have good taste, well think again girl, ‘cos you can’t be on the same planet as the rest of us, Nah you must be on Mars. Here’s Bowie to erase the memory of the tosh you played” and with that he played “Life on Mars”.

He looked over and saw Rae was indeed a bit annoyed with him.

“Nelson this is for you. ‘Cos right now I need to “Shoot you down” , yeah it’s the Roses” she wheeled herself over to Finn and traced on this thigh “B E A T  T H A T L O S ER”

“Earl thinks she’s got me beat tonight as she has just wheeled out the big guns. I can’t deny the Roses are mint.

But let’s face it there can only be one of us with superior music knowledge, So extra specially for you Earl here’s Beck with “loser”.

Finn was chuckling to himself. Rae was not going to give in. She scooted over to him and traced TOO OBVIOUS on his leg.

The show continued all night in that fashion. Steve was laughing so hard at the end he decided to take the pair out for a pint. They went to a bar and met up with Chloe and Archie and Chop and Izzy.

Finn sat next to Rae and noticed some of her earlier sparkle had worn off. The trouble was Rae suddenly felt self conscious being out in a club. When they were on air she started to believe that he really liked her, perhaps even as more than friends. She felt less confident about that here, it was a late night bar full of girls that looked like Chloe or Alice. She’d noticed as Finn had slipped off to the toilets, that a couple of girls had approached him. He’d shaken his head and smiled and made his way on but she wondered. Why on earth would Finn want her. She took a deep breath and then felt fingers on her thigh.

YOU OK?

She tried to ignore him. This was just making it worse.

YOU OK?

She nodded  without looking at him. Finn was not satisfied. What was wrong.

YOU SURE?

Oh for fuck’s sake Finn she thought and traced back . JUST TIRED.

WALK YOU HOME?

She nodded. He’d been so nice on the walk on the way home. He’d seemed so concerned to get her home safely but when they’d got there she hadn’t’ asked him in. I mean she didn’t’ want to come across as desperate and so she couldn’t ask him to come up for coffee as he knew she didn’t’ drink coffee. She thought if he really liked her he’d at least try to kiss her.

Finn was confused. Most of all he was worried about Rae. She’d seemed really distant. Had he done something wrong? He was exhausted and went home to bed. Frustrated and alone.

***********************************

On Sunday night Rae got home from the cafe and Chloe was on the sofa painting her nails.

“So what’s the goss RAe?”

“I’ve just been working Chlo same old, same old”

“No silly, what happened with Finn when he walked you home last night? Please tell me something happened between you two”

Rae shook her head “Chlo, why would it?”

“What you’d mean why would it Rae. He likes you a lot”

“Don’t be daft Chlo. Just look at me, I’m no skinny, pretty feminine woman. I’m just a, just a girl with a load of jobs who’s overweight and”

“RAe stop. You’re beautiful, you’re funny and you’re generally the coolest girl I know. Sorry Rae - woman know”

“But I’m no Alice”

“Is that what this is about? Well Finn ditched Alice and he made it pretty clear in public he didn’t’ want her. And Izz tells me he literally chucked her out so I don’t think he likes her. And I bloody know he fancies you.”

“What?”

“I saw him last night, hand on your thigh. Men don’t do that unless they fancy you.”

Rae smiled. “You think?”. Chloe nodded “I know”

“Well we’ve been writing messages on each others legs for a while now” She smiled.

“Well then, get on with it Rae. You go for it.”

  
“Chloe I love you. You are amazing”.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this particularly the music refs - I know my music well but thought some of you might not. So I’ve tried to help by putting band and song names in Italic as Rae and Finn use them to talk to each other.  
> MASSIVE SMUT ALERT. BIGTIME SMUT.

Archie dropped by one evening to see how Finn was getting on with the clearing up. Finn seemed about down and they got chatting as to why. Finn explained how he didn’t understand Rae, how one minute she seemed to really want him and the next minute she was closed off.

“I think Rae likes you Finn but you have to remember she’s not like any of the other girls you’ve dated, especially not Alice. Finn as I’ve said before she needs to know you like her so pull you’re fucking finger out of your arse and tell her.”

“But I don’t know how” Finn said hanging his head. “I’m no good with words”

“That’s as may be Finn but you talk to her for at least two hours every week”

Finn frowned.

“The show you dickhead. You’re using your music to talk”.

**************************************************************************

Finn geared himself up for the show on Saturday.  He’d been through the track list of what he wanted so many times. This should be easy - he knew his music and he knew his lyrics. He was so nervous he’d gone to the pub with Chop and Izzy and had a pint that afternoon. He then smoked all the way there and to his dismay was late. Rae was already there and he wanted to kick the show off.

Rae could smell cigarettes as soon as Finn came in   - oh and he’d definitely been to the pub. She just couldn’t’ help but tease him and told him she was kicking off the show. He looked disappointed but she couldn’t miss this opportunity.

“It appears that Nelson had finally got the message and thanks to my advice, he’s finally found deodorant and banished the BO. But he now smells of Eau to Nelson, also known as “Cigarettes and Alcohol.” Yeah that’s right Oasis, spin on this Nelson”

She felt his fingers on her thigh DO  I  SMELL?

She giggled and nodded. She had to be brave and ventured a finger onto his thigh and traced. JUST JOKING leaving her finger there longer than necessary. He met her eyes.

“So Miss Earl thinks I smell. Well this one’s for her then Oasis - “Girl in the Dirty Shirt”.

He scooted over to Rae and traced on her thigh LISTEN TO LYRICS.

Rae smiled. Bloody hell he was good and the way he was looking at her from under those eyelashes. She could feel a tingle in her body. She knew just how to play this.

“We all know Nelson is talking Garbage, I am not wearing a dirty shirt, its clean. Nelson has just copied Oasis from me so I’d like to ask him “Do you have an opinion, a mind of your own?”(quoted lyrics from song)  - yes its “When I grow up” by Garbage.

As the music came on Rae wrote on Finn’s thigh LOOK ITS CLEAN and she undid three poppers revealing a low cut white vest top underneath, she was leaning slightly forward when she she did this showing of a more than generous amount of cleavage.

Finn’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. He raised his eyebrows and reached his hand forward to touch her arm, her hair. He needed to feel her but she scooted off on her chair. He groaned.

“This one is for Earl, she’s an absolute minx full stop. It’sJames “Born of frustration”.

He raised his eyebrows again at her as she listened to the lyrics. She then glanced up at him. Was he really saying. Jesus. She couldn’t make it too easy for him so she remained on her side of the studio. When Tim Booth started singing the “WOOOWOOO WOOs” Finn stood up and chased her round the room tapping his hand over his mouth impersonating a native Indian. Rae hit him on the arm and he started to tickle her. But he allowed her the time to play the next record.

“I’d just like to inform our listeners that Nelson has tried to play cowboys and indians with me. Just so you know Nelson you’re going to have to do much better than that, here’s Shania and “That don’t impress me much”

Finn burst into laughter which could just be heard as before Rae flicked the switch.

Finn flicked through his record collection  and selected his next track carefully. “This one is for the wonderful Miss Earl, let’s hope I get 10/10 for the Roses oh and Earl “I wanna be adored”.

Rae scooted over to him. She traced LOVE IT on his thigh and looked at him. For a minute Finn thought she was going to kiss him and then something clouded over her face and she turned away.  Fuck! She was driving him wild with her teasing.

Rae needed to be brave “10/10 Nelson? Really In ya “Dreams” here’s the Cranberries.””

Finn looked a touch confused. She scooted over and traced on his thigh. LISTEN TO THE LYRICS FINN. He didn’t quite get that. The message was too long for his brain to process right now  in his state and he grabbed her hand and looked at her but she just looked down and scooted off.

Finn’s brain was about to explode. He didn’t really like the Cranberries and was not able to concentrate on the lyrics all he could catch was “And oh my dreams, it’s never quite as it seems”. What the fuck was that supposed to mean and why for the love of Ian Brown had she let go of his hand and run off. Time for the big guns Nelson.

“I have no idea what Earl is banging on about half the time. And it bloody pains me to play this but this is for you Earl from me and it’s James and “Say Something”.

Rae looked a bit confused to start with. Finn traced on her thigh. LISTEN. Rae shut her eyes and listened. She then felt Finn squeeze her hand and she opened her eyes to see him mouthing the words to the music

“Say something, say something, anything  
I’ve shown you everything  
Give me a sign  
Say something, say something, anything  
Your silence is deafening  
Pay me in kind”

Oh shit thought Rae. She couldn’t believe that he had actually played that song from him to her live on air. Christ. Anyone who knew them would get it. She smiled. Two can play at that game.

“Right I’ve listened to Nelson’s song for me and now for my last track of the night I have to give him this one back. It’s theCharlatans and “The Only one”.

With that Rae got up from seat as she had no more tracks to play and started dancing. She suddenly realised the crew were still sat behind the perspex and Finn had a tune to go and then they need to close out. She sat down for a second. Finn scooted over to her and traced on her DON’T STOP.

Rae nodded towards the crew. Finn traced PLEASE.

He’d asked for it and she didn’t really care anymore. Dopey Dave was looking down, Steve had seen her dance before and Jon, well screw Jon. Rae stood in front of Finn and really danced  shaking her hips and losing herself in the music. Finn stood up and put an arm around her waist. She opened her eyes to see him looking at her.

His eyes were dark and his breathing shallow. CAN I KISS YOU? He traced on  her arm. She shook her head and nodded towards the crew.

The track was coming to a close and Finn sat down. This time he had to play a CD as Alice had destroyed the vinyl. It was normal for Finn or Rae or both of them to close the show with some comments after the last track but Finn didn’t want to do that tonight.

“So I’m going to leave it here tonight. This track so awesome I am going to let it fade off without any naff comments at the end.Mazzy Star’s “Fade into You””. Finn flicked a switch such that the track could be heard in their studio without headphones.

Steve looked up as the track started. He smiled to himself and sent Jon and Dave out and gave Finn a thumbs up.

Finn stood up and started to dance with Rae. She was relaxing into his arms. She could see only Steve was there and so she clung to him tightly.

Finn started gently kissing her neck while they were dancing and she gently rubbed her hands along his back. Eventually he pulled back and looked at Rae who smiled at him. He cupped her cheek with one of his hands and raised his eyebrows in question, she simply smiled back. Gently he kissed her. Small chaste kisses to start with and then he gently ran his tongue over her lips. He heard a sharp intake of air from her part and smirked. He took her top lip between his lips and kissed it. He repeated the same with the bottom lip gently biting her lip with his teeth.

He was a little surprised with her response which was to kiss him hard and push her tongue into his mouth. This time it was him who took a sharp breath in. Weeks worth of pent up feelings went into the kiss and it felt like it was going to last forever. Bodies entwined and swaying.

Steve looked up and smiled to himself. Thank Christ for that. He finished the show and signalled through to another studio to start. He could see from the equipment that they were listening to the track in the studio and he chuckled as it seemed Finn had put the track on repeat!

The lights went out in the production studio as Steve shut the door. Finn ran his hands up Rae’s sides and used a hand to trace shapes on the skin at the base of her throat and beneath her collarbones towards the top of her chest which he could reach easily after she’d opened her shirt earlier. His kissing became more insistent, deeper.

Finn moved his fingers a little lower such that they grazed the top of her chest. Rae gasped and pulled out of the kiss and looked at him. OK? he mouthed. She nodded. He licked his own lips slowly and smiled and put his mouth to the skin he had been touching on the top of her breasts. She moved her head back and in doing so more of her breasts escaped her top. Finn groaned. There was no way he could hide what effect this was having on his body now. He pushed himself against her which made her gasp again and kissed her.

Eventually Rae pulled back “Oh Finn”.

“More?” She nodded. He gently undid the rest of her shirt and pulled it off leaving her in her vest. He started kissing her again at the top of her breasts. She was moaning now and he gently slipped the straps of her vest and then bra down her shoulders which allowed him to slip a hand inside one of the cups. He sought out a nipple and was rewarded with a groan.

He treated the other side the same. “Finn, Finn, please kiss me”

Finn kissed her hard. He then turned her around and guided her to a small table at the back of the studio. Rae shifted her bottom up onto the table and opened her legs so Finn could stand between them. He pulled her so her bottom was on the edge of the table and she wrapped her legs around them. He cupped her face again and looked into her eyes but she simply pulled him into a kiss. He started to move himself slowly up and down. Rae gasped and moaned.

Rae thought she was going to be good and just leave it at a hot snogging session as she didn’t want to seem too keen. But she was so overwhelmed by the sensation of him being pressed into her that she knew she wanted more. She gently tugged at his t-shirt.

Finn felt Rae’s tugging and pulled his t-shirt over his head without breaking eye contact but he couldn’t help but bite his lip. Rae pulled down her top for him to have more access. She couldn’t be bothered to take her bra off so she pulled it far enough down for him to access her nipples. He bit and sucked them until the point where she pulled his head up to kiss her once again because the sensation was so overwhelming.

This time Finn pulled out of the kiss. He was so ridiculously turned on right now but there was no way he wanted to push Rae. She looked at him and pouted she really wanted more. She could feel how turned on he was and remembered her conversation with Chloe, he liked her, he wanted her, time to be brave Rae. She took a deep breath and unclenched her legs from around his waist. She reached forward for his belt buckle and looked into his eyes. OK? She mouthed.

Finn tried to talk but no sound would come out. He mumbled something that was supposed to be Fuck yeah but it could have been fuck hair, or duck mare for all the sense his brain could make of things. Rae undid his belt and his jeans button and fly. She could feel exactly how much Finn wanted this under her hands. She only intended to slip her hand in his boxers but at the last minute decided she needed to see him in all his glory and pulled his boxers down with his jeans. Rae gasped. He was bloody fucking amazing.

When Rae gasped Finn suddenly panicked. “Er Rae, do you not like..” but she already had her hand gently stroking him and he groaned a deep guttural groan.What happened next blew any semblance of reality left for Finn. Rae gently slid off the table and onto her knees and took him in her mouth. Rae’s breasts had spilled out over the top of her bra so when he glanced down he thought he could never have even imagined such a view.  But it was all getting too much. There was no way he could last. He gently pushed her away from him.

“Oh Shit . Have I , Have I done it wrong Finn?” Rae stood up.

“Jesus no. More like too right Rae. I can’t take much more and…” oh fuck how to phrase this “I er, all I want is you Rae. I want you. I want to er fade into you”. He bit his lip and looked down.

Rae giggled. “Quite cheesy Nelson, quite cheesy” and then she looked at him biting his lip and raised her eyebrows, that had quite an effect on her. She just couldn’t help how he made her feel. Finn raised his eyebrows back at her and licked his lips finishing with biting the bottom one and raising his eyebrows again.

Rae couldnt’ tear her face away from those lips and she slipped off the table and pulled her converse off and her tights off leaving her skirt and panties on Sort of testing the waters she thought.

Finn looked at her again biting his lip and raising his eyebrows. She nodded. Finn dropped to his knees and slowly kissed his way up her thighs. When he got  to the top he kissed her through her lace knickers. She moaned his kisses flowed like electric currents through her body.

He was using his hands to trace shapes on her inner thighs now and continued to place hot wet kisses on her knickers. “Finn for Christ’s sake please”.

“Please what Rae?”. he smirked.

“Please Finn kiss me.” He moved forwards to kiss her lips “No Finn please kiss me” she raised her eyebrows.

“You mean here” he said gently tracing his finger on the outside of her wet knickers, the noise she made was like nothing he’d heard before and he quickly dropped to his knees again. He trailed his fingers over her knickers again from front to back and back to the front time. On the second pass he slipped his finger under the fabric and pushed it to one side. He then put his tongue to the use he’d wanted to all night.

He flicked his tongue round in slow slow circles. The pitch of her cries was increasing now. He gently slipped a finger inside her and felt her tense.

Finn stopped and looked up “Ok Girl?”

“It’s just, just been a while. Please dont’ stop.”

He smiled and knelt down again. He started off  as slowly as he could again  teasing her with his tongue. “Finn please” He gently slid his finger back in. All the while licking and kissing, he was going to slip another finger in when he felt Rae start to shake and come apart gently calling his name. He carried on kissing her until her shaking subsided.

Finn stood up slowly and put his arms around her and pulled her close to him before he realised that the combination of his nakedness and her short skirt meant his erection was pressing dangerously close to her and perhaps she didn’t want this now after all.

Suddenly he felt Rae’s fingers pushing her panties aside and  while she was moving as close to the edge of the table as she could. He whispered in her ear “You really sure girl?”

“I want you Finn like I’ve never wanted anyone before.”

Finn felt like his legs were jelly. He was nervous. He’d never been nervous about sleeping with anyone before but it had never really mattered before. Finn tried not to hurt her as he slowly pushed in.

Oh holy shit. He was never going to last long was he. He started off slowly sliding in and out as she kissed and nibbled his neck. He leant back and started kissing her breasts again. He carried on as slowly as he could and she was writhing against him. He could feel the tension build up in her and then her moans got louder. “Come for me girl”. 

Rae couldn’t stop her body shaking as an orgasm spread through her like fire. Her tightening around him in strong waves, sent Finn so far over the edge he wasn’t sure if he’d ever come back.  He muttered profanities in her ear as the exquisite pleasure dissipated.

*************************************************

They clung to each other for quite some time. Finn had to pull out and clean up. He turned round in a daze to find the box of tissues that was always kept on the studio. He switched the CD off and picked up the tissues and then froze.

“Oh Shit Rae. Shit Rae. Fuck I am so so sorry”. He stood there rooted to the spot.

Rae froze, had he instantly regretted what they had just done? She started to shake and the tears started to flow. She couldn’t move.

Finn could see Rae’s tears. This was all his fault. He quickly pulled his boxers and trousers up without fastening them. He walked over to Rae and put his arms around her.

“Christ Rae I am such an idiot. I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I should have remembered, it was just that , just that…”

“Just that what Finn? “ Her voice had a raw edge. “Just that what, you got carried away did ya?”

“Fuck. I am sorry, it’s just you were, you were … it were so intense and I er”

“You what Finn?”

“Rae I plain forgot. I’ve even got one in me wallet.“ Finn pulled a condom out.

“OH. “ Rae smiled at him softly.

“Rae I didn’t use a johnny and I’ve come inside ya.”

“It’s OK Finn don’t worry. I forgot too.”

“Yeah but”

“Finn you never heard of the morning after pill?”

He shook his head.  “Well Chlo’s used it a few times.” Rae put her hand over her mouth. “Shit please don’t tell her I said that”.

He smiled and then frowned and bit his lip “But Rae you were crying”.

“Yeah. I er, well I thought you were trying to tell me that it were all a mistake”.

“Jesus no Rae. I’ve never, I’ve never wanted anyone more,  in so many different ways Rae. I mean you’re funny, you’re so attractive you drive me crazy, your music knowledge is not bad I suppose ..” Rae touched him on the nose at this “Oi you” she said.

Finn touched Rae’s nose back “Oi you let me finish” and he crinkled his nose at her. “You were driving me crazy earlier Rae, teasing me, I just find you so overwhelming. I love talkin ’to ya too and I don’t like talking’ to anyone. and I think, I think I’m fallin’ for ya” he hung his head and blushed. He didn’t know why he felt brave enough to say it.

“Yeah well, Nelson, that feeling might just be, mutual”. His eyes immediately flicked back up to hers. He cupped her face with one hand and moved it to tuck her hair behind her ear. He looked in the eyes and captured her lips with his. He pulled back and smiled and kissed her on the forehead and pulled her close.

After a minute Finn broke the hug. “Girl we got to sort you out” he motioned at her bare legs. Rae’s skirt was still hitched up.  He picked up up the tissues and started to clean her up. Rae grabbed the tissue quickly from him.

“Finn I can’t let you do that. We cannot have a repeat of earlier “ she giggled. “Amazing as it was and will always be Finn, we’re in the studio and erm well. Actually I can’t believe it happened here.” Rae grinned and put her hands over her face. “Oh no. How on earth am I going to manage next’s weeks show… All I be thinking about is..”

Finn smirked “I’m sure we’ll find a way to help you cope” He laughed.

Rae cleaned herself up and pulled her tights and boots back on. Finn held his hand out for her “Come on girl. It’s 1am and I think we both might need a bit of sleep.”

As they left their studio, they noticed a piece of paper sellotaped to the outside saying “Do not disturb, studio in use for mixing!!!”. Rae’s eyes widened. Finn laughed.

“It’s not funny Finn”.

“It is and you know it. Who do you think finished and took us off air at the end of the show?  It certainly wasn’t us.”

“Steve?”

Finn nodded.”That’s his writing”.

“But how did he know?”

“He’s known I’ve been soft about you for some time.” Finn bit his lip and decided to say it “Steve realised that I liked you long before I realised  I liked you”.

Rae squeezed his hand. Suddenly she felt tired. It was cold outside and she had work at 10 the next day.

“Finn I’ve got work tomorrow”.

“I know Rae, me too for me sins”.

“Rae do you want to come back to mine. I want, to , I “ he broke off looking shyly at the ground.

“I want ya to sleep next to me again”.

Rae smiled remembering the last time they shared a bed. “Only if ya promise not to snore. I’ll miss Archer though” She giggled.

He smiled. He opened the box on the back of his scooter and gave her a helmet. Rae clung tightly onto Finn on the way back to the flat.

Finn opened the door and he and Rae crept in because they thought Chop and Izzy would be asleep. Rae removed her skirt and tights, and in the end she decided to remove her bra and sleep in just a vest and knickers, as it was so much more comfortable and well he hadn’t been put off earlier had he?

Finn decided to just sleep in his boxers. He pulled Rae close to him and sighed contentedly and both were asleep within minutes.

***********************************************************************

Rae and Finn were awoken by a loud banging on the door the following morning followed by Chop striding in “Finny how many times do I have ..”

“Jesus. What happened here”. Chop stood still staring at the bed.

“Chop just turn the alarm off will you. That’s what you came into do and then bugger off” Finn said grumpily pulling Rae right into him.

Chop stood there with his mouth hanging open for a few seconds before he was able to switch the alarm off. By this time Izzy had walked in.

“Oh wow. I am so excited.” she said clapping her hands.

Finn rolled onto his back and clapped his hands over his eyes.

Rae wanted to have time to talk about this before they told anyone, not least as she thought she should tell Chloe. She sat up in bed

“I have no idea what you two are so astounded by. “

“D’ur you’re in bed together, that means you so shagged” said Chop. Izzy swatted him on the arm.

“No shit sherlock. But we’ve slept in the same bed before haven’t we with Archie and I can promise you the three of us did not shag.. she said raising her eyebrows.

“Yeah but Raemundo” Chop gestured at Rae “Your erm, you’re not wearing a bra and you’re smuggling smarties”.

Rae looked down and blushed as she realised she was showing off far more cleavage than she realised. She quickly hid under the covers.

“Sorry Rae but I wasn’t looking it was just they were really obvious” Chop said.

“Chop will ya stop talking about Rae’s breasts or I will be forced to get out of bed and lamp ya. Now Fuck off”. Finn said.

Izzy and Chop quickly exited and Chop shut the door firmly.

“Oh God I am so embarrassed” moaned Rae.

“Finn pulled her close to him. “Actually Chop had a point.” Finn ran his fingers over her breasts. “These are spectacular. “ he gently ran his fingers over her nipples such that Rae moaned.

Finn rolled onto Rae and kissed her. “What a way to wake up Rae”.

Rae suddenly felt his morning glory rubbing against her. “Bloody hell Finn do you wake up with a stiffy everyday?”

“Nah although you have that effect on me everytime” He blushed red as he realised what he said.

“Finn, are you telling me that this happened last time I stayed. Like with Archie in the bed?”

“Er yeah” he said crinkling his nose at her. “So Finn do you need to anything about it then?”

“Well, I don’t need to but. But I would like to if you would like to.” He kissed her gently on the lips.

“You’d better ask nicely then Finn”.

Fuck she’d got the better of him again. He leant upwards on his elbows and bent his head down to use his tongue on her lips. He then licked his own lips and raised his eyebrows at her. His eyes had become dark “Rae I , I really, really want ya.” He raised his eyebrows again and bit his lip “please?”

“Alright Finn but we both need to be at work in” Rae couldn’t finish her sentence as Finn crashed his soft full lips on hers. He shifted his weight and used a hand to caress her breasts and nipples. This made Rae moan. He slipped his hand down to her knickers, using his fingertips to stimulate her. She was already wet for him. Christ.

Finn suddenly stopped and sat up. He fished into a crate next to his bed and pulled out a box of condoms and waved them at Rae. She smiled. Rae insisted on putting on the condom which Finn struggled with - her touch was sending him wild.

He lay back on her and gently carried on massaging her. “Finn I want to feel you. I need to feel you”.

Finn eased himself in and Rae moaned loudly. “Shhh girl” he giggled.

Finn knew they didn’t have much time but started off slowly nonetheless, getting deeper with each thrust. Rae was writhing underneath him now. He picked up one leg so he could get even deeper. Rae virtually screamed in pleasure.

Finn started to thrust harder, he did not know how much more he could take before he was going to explode. What finally sent him over the edge was her climax tightening around him in ever increasing waves. He came with a loud shout, Rae still quivering beneath him.

“You are amazing girl, amazing”.

“Not too shabby yourself Finnley. Shit I’ve got to dash”.

Rae virtually rolled Finn of her and pulled her clothes back on. Finn ran his hand through his hair “Do ya have to go to work”.

“Yes silly and so do you. Get up?”

“Don’t want to. Want to spend the day in bed with you”.

“Yeah well that’s not going to pay the bills and besides, I think we might have disturbed Chop and Izzy - Tv’s on really loud”.

“But Rae” Rae walked to the bed and kissed Finn full on the mouth.

“Laters Nelson”. Rae dashed out of the flat saying her goodbyes to Chop and Izzy.

Finn lay in bed completely dazed. Had the last 18 hours really happened. Suddenly Izzy lept on the bed.

“Oh my God Finn. Are you and Rae, I mean did you.. gosh this is so exciting”.

Finn didn’t know what to say. He hoped this was not going to be a one-off. God what if that’s what Rae actually wanted. What if?

“When are you next seeing Rae?”

“I dunno Izz”. Actually he didn’t know, they were both working that day, there was the evening of course but then they were both working Monday too. Hummm.

“Didn’t you make a date?”

Finn shook his head.

“But you do want to right? I mean you do like Rae as more than just a, just a”

“Izz quit with the questions” Chop said as he strolled in. “Finn needs to get to work” and he gave Finn a look. Finn nodded his thanks.

Chop patted Finn on the back as he left for work. “Fucks sake don’t leave it too long Finn, she’s one hell of a bird”.

  
Finn smiled. He had no intention of leaving it long. In fact he was going to call her that evening. Yeah that was a plan. His senses were still reeling from earlier and his mind struggled to think coherent thoughts so he somehow got lost on the way to work.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really not very happy with this part. It gets me where I need to be to continue but it’s a bit convoluted. The next parts will have much more action I promise.  
> SMUT ALERT AGAIN.

When Rae finished her shift at the Cafe she dashed home to see Chloe.

“Where have you been Rae?”

“Oh my god Chloe he’s a fucking god. I just can’t believe how beautiful he is”.

“What? Who? Oh my god. Did you stay with Finn last night?”

Rae nodded. Chloe shrieked and hugged her.

“I heard the show Rae. Bloody hell you’re a tease. Can I take that you two finally kissed?”

Rae nodded “Bit more than kissed Chlo” she blushed.

“OH” Chloe’s mouth hung open “You mean you did it? In his flat yeah?”

Rae shook her head. “Well yeah actually this morning but yesterday we” she broke off.

“What happened yesterday Rae. Tell me , tell me please ” Chloe was intrigued.

“Well we might just have done it in the studio.”

“NO way”.

“Yes way. Bloody Hell Chlo he’s amazing.”

Rae and Chloe giggled and chatted for a while. Then Rae remembered to ask Chlo.

“Chlo, you know the morning after pill? Can I just buy it from the chemist?”

“Oh my God Rae! You are so naughty. Condoms aren’t sjust about preventing pregnancy Rae” Chloe had her serious face on.

“Oh bollocks. I hadn’t thought about that”. Rae’s face fell. Chloe put an arm around her.

“Rae I’m sure it’s fine. I don’t think Finn’s shagged anyone other than Alice for a while. And you know, they might have used protection, I mean anyone needs a hazard suit around that girl”.

Rae smiled at Chloe. “Thanks Chlo.

“Look Rae, Rita’s coming round in about 15 minutes and we’re going out to the Cinema. I know it’s late but would you like to come?”

“Actually Chloe, it’s been a long week and I am dead on my feet, I think, I’m going to have a bath and bed. I’ve got the library and cafe tomorrow.”

“Alright Rae, if I don’t see you in the morning, don’t forget to go to the chemist. I am so pleased for you about Finn. When you seeing each other next?”

“I dunno, I kind of ran out of there this morning. He’s got my number. “

“Get you playing it cool! Sleep well babes.”

**********************************************************************

Finn spent his day in the record shop in high spirits. Everytime he saw a record he thought Rae would like, his mind turned back to the previous few hours and he felt butterflies in his stomach. He was finding it a little hard to concentrate. He kept thinking about wanting to call Rae but he couldn’t remember when her shift ended and he didn’t want to call too early and speak to Chloe.

Archie dropped into the shop with Dan at the end of the day and the three went for a pint. Finn really wanted to tell Archie about Rae but what could he say. That he’d shagged Rae? No he didn’t want to embarrass her and he didn’t want it to look like he was bragging to his mates. Yeh, Chop and Izzy knew and it would come out in good time. He couldn’t tell Archie that he was dating Rae either or seeing each other as that wasn’t exactly right either. And something niggled at the back of his mind about how she’d dashed out that morning. And he started to wonder if she really liked him or if it was just a one night thing.

Finn started biting his cuticles. “You alright Finn,looking pensive there?”.

“Er yeah. What were you two up to last night?”

“We went to the theatre and then to Bar 21. How did the show go?”

Oh so Archie hadn’t heard the show. “Good. Yeah. Real good actually.”

“Finn I don’t know how you do it all - the record shop, the club and presenting for two radio stations.”

“Yeah well needs must Archer. Sometimes I wish I was like you - with a decent job and all. I mean I’m not 19 anymore and I’ve got 4 jobs just to pay the bills. I’m no further on than I was in 2000. “

“I thought you enjoyed the lifestyle Finn. The music, the parties and all that”.

“Perhaps I’m not that person anymore Arch. Perhaps…. I dunno”. Finn ran his hands through his hair.

“Come on mate let’s not get too maudlin, it’s a Sunday night. Let me get you another point”.

Finn nodded and went outside for a cigarette. His earlier good spirits seemed to have dissipated with the smoke he blew out. He was now in his mid 20s, with four fun but low paid jobs and he was struggling to rent out Chop’s spare room. Alice had periodically given him quite large sums of money that made life a lot easier. And she’d had contacts too. But he’d always refused to use her contacts as he’d wanted to make it on his own.

“Finn there you are I thought I was going to have to call Chop to sort out a search party”. Archie playfully punched Finn on the arm.

Finn gave him a half smile and walked back into the pub.

***********************************************************************

By the time Finn got back to the flat it was nearly 11. He was still feeling quite melancholy. He wandered into his room, kicked off his shoes and looked for his favourite Smith’s record. He couldn’t’ find it. He supposed it could just be in a different crate as he still hadn’t ordered his surviving records back into his usual system. He couldn’t even remember if it had been broken. He sighed.

Finn found a crate of his dad’s records. He never played these much and found Fairport’s Unhalfbrickingit. Humm folk really wasn’t his thing but he remembered his nan and dad dancing to “Si tu dois partir”.

Izzy walked in. “Where’ve you been Finn  -  you should have been back hours ago?”

“Pub with Archie” He smiled at Izzy - she was like an older sister sometimes not a little sister he usually thought of her as. She was always trying to look out for him.

“What and you didn’t think to call us? “ Izzy put her hands on her hips in mock outrage.

Finn laughed and Chop walked in.

“So you have called Rae yet?”

He shook his head. His earlier thoughts still on his mind.

“Just call her Finn. You do want to speak to her don’t you? or was last night”

Worry was written all over Izzy’s face as she broke off.

“Aye I do Izz, I do. It’s just, just well..”

“What is it lad? “ Chop asked.

“What if last night meant something else to her, you know than it did to me.” He hung his head.

Chop put a hand on his shoulder “Come on lad, you’re never going to know just by sitting here. Call her. And if this morning was anything to go by, I think she at least had a VERY good time”.

Finn smiled. “Alright.”

Finn went to use the phone in the sitting room but Rae’s phone just rang and rang. He walked back to his room and shrugged his shoulders at Chop and Izzy.

“She’s probably out Finn - you know what Chloe’s like. Just try again later”.

Finn lay on his bed and listened to Fairport. As the familiar strains of “Who Knows Where The Time Goes” came on Finn’s mind was filled with thoughts of his nan. She loved this song. He wondered what she would make of his current life. He thought she’d probably be proud of him for finally breaking ties with Alice. He thought she would have probably loved Rae. But would she be proud of him? Finn just wanted to talk to her. She had always been so good at helping him understand his feelings.

He swallowed. The tears were coming now. He curled up on his side and let the music wash over him.

Finn woke with a fright at 2am. He could hear the whirr of his turntable but the lights were off and someone had put a blanket over him. That was probably Izzy he thought. Shit it was too late to call Rae. He couldn’t be bothered to get undressed and went back to sleep fully clothed.

*****************************************************************************

Rae got up to face a busy week. She went straight to her shift at the library and from there went to the cafe. She had to stay really late as her boss was ill.

Finn’s Monday was no better. He’d done a long day in the record shop and gone off to DJ at his local club in the evening. He didn’t get to bed until 2 am.

Rae went to the hospital as usual on Tuesday. She’d remembered to go to the Chemist on route to pick up the pill. When she had finished her slot, she was a little saddened that Finn wasn’t there to walk with her back to the cafe. He’d been a couple of times and she was half expecting him to turn up. She didn’t want to think about that night too much. It had been so perfect.

Had this been a few years ago, Rae thought she would have convinced herself that he had clearly been so horrified by the recollection of her body that he was now avoiding her. But Rae knew this simply wasn’t true. It had been quite clear how physically attracted to her she was. She reasoned with herself that it was probably too soon for him to call her and she wasn’t going to call him.

Finn’s day had been terribly busy as he’d ended up working at the record store and then going to the local radio station and straight onto the club. He couldn’t stop thinking about Rae but there simply wasn’t time to call her and he didn’t have a mobile because he couldn’t afford one. Alice had bought him one but he’d given it back, she had been too intense for him at times and he’d always felt the need to be able to keep some head space between them.

********************************************************************

The rest of Rae’s week was exhausting, she’d tried not to think about Finn too much. Chloe had told her she was probably being silly and it might just be that Finn wanted to play things cool and didn’t want to seem too keen. Chloe also reminded her that Finn had just come out of a long term relationship with “bunny boiler Alice”. This had made Rae laugh and she started to wonder whether she was just expecting too much.

Finn’s week was no less tiring than Rae’s. He’d either been DJ’ing in the club or doing a radio show until silly o’clock in the morning. He’d then been up to start at the record store by 9. He tried to call Rae on Thursday night during a break forgetting it was her night DJ’ing at the Dolly. He’d managed to speak to Chloe but due to the background noise from club all he’d managed to hear was Rae was at the Dolly. Chloe couldn’t be sure it was Finn that was calling. She’d had a few glasses of wine and wasn’t sure the next day whether she’d imagined it so she decided it was best not to mention it to Rae.

******************************************************************************

Rae started to feel anxious on Saturday morning. She knew she was going to see Finn that night, assuming he didn’t call in sick for some reason, trying to avoid her. God her imagination kept running away with her. It was always worse when she was tired.  She’d started at 8 that morning in the Cafe and didn’t finish until 4:30, giving her precious little time to get ready. He feet ached, well her whole body ached. She’d had a quick shower and stuffed on a black dress over her black leggings and threw on a thick scarf and her black leather jacket as it was cold outside.

Finn did another shift at the record store on Saturday. He wanted to replace a lamp and table that Alice had broken when she’d trashed his vinyl. He knew Chop and Izzy would never ask him but it was the principal of the thing.  He literally had to run to get to No Crap FM on time.

As Finn walked into the studio his heart rate increased. Rae was already there and all he could think was how beautiful she was. Rae took a deep breath, lifted her head and gave Finn a small smile. He could see how tired she looked, Finn sat down with a sigh and flipped through his bag to find a record to play.

Finn didn’t know what to choose, what to play. He was so tired and Rae hadn’t seemed too pleased to see him and he choose something that matched the way he felt. “Evening people, this is classic track and I defy anyone not to get the feels from Thom Yorke’s vocals. This is for any of us that have screwed up… “Karma Police”.

Rae frowned. What was he trying to say, what did he mean by “Screwed up.” She looked down and listened at the lyrics “For a minute there I forgot myself”. Did he mean last week was a mistake? Or was it something else?

Rae couldn’t find anything she wanted to play. Music was failing her right now. “So people, when you feel lost and you don’t know where you’re going, I think you’ll find you’re “Losing [your] religion. That’s right it’s REM”.

Steve looked up. What was going on. He sighed and decided they would probably sort this out for themselves in a minute.

Rae had turned her back to Finn. She was really upset. She couldn’t work out what Finn was trying to tell her. Last week he’d told her he was falling for her, but was that just a moment of euphoria? He’d not called her in the week and now he’d said he’s screwed up.

Finn desperately wanted to make sure Rae was ok, he wanted to use their special method of communication but she had her back turned. He couldn’t think of how to tell her that. “This is “Letter to Elise” by the Cure. because sometimes it’s easier to WRITE a letter than speak”.

Rae didn’t move but he could see her shoulders shaking a bit. Finn couldn’t cope with this anymore and scooted over to her on this chair.  He reached round and traced on her thigh RAE?

Rae didn’t move, she didn’t want him to see her like this.

RAE, WHAT’S UP?

RAE?

Finn felt very shut out from Rae and he traced once more on her thigh - LYRICS.

“oh elise it doesn’t matter what you do

i know i’ll never really get inside of you

to make your eyes catch fire

the way they should

the way the blue could pull me in

if they only would”

Rae had to turn around to play a track “I’m playing Radiohead back at Nelson. Sometimes something feels so right, so real and then it’s just not as it seems. “Fake Plastic Trees” about sums that up.”

It was Finn’s turn to frown. What was she trying to tell him?  This was not going as he wanted to. Finn decided to play U2. “People this is a classic. They might not be my favourite band of all time but this is an all time classic. This one’s got pretty deep lyrics, they cut pretty deep. It’s U2’s “One””.

Finn was absorbed by the lyrics and words. He put his head in his hands. He couldn’t work out what was wrong with Rae, what was wrong with him and he started to feel a bit overwhelmed by the music.

Rae couldn’t work out why Finn seemed so down. He looked very tired. Suddenly she was distracted by Steve tapping on the window, holding up a piece of paper that read. “THIS  IS NOT A FUNERAL. THIS  IS SATURDAY NIGHT”.

Rae played “You’re in a bad way” by Saint Etienne. At least it had a jolly tune. She scooted over to Finn and traced on leg. YOU OK?

Finn could feel her finger and started to relax. She traced on his thigh I CAN HELP YOU THROUGH as Sarah Cracknell’s voice sung those words. Rae grabbed his hand.

Finn started stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Shit he didn’t have long to choose a track and so he put on the first thing he could think of. “So to continue from Earl’s choice of St Etienne - here is another of their tracks, “Pale Movie”.

He wanted Rae to know how she brightened up his world and thought the lyrics would help.

“All of his friends have been wondering /

Why he spent so long with her; /

He’s so dark and moody, /

She is his sunshine girl.”

Finn traced SUNSHINE GIRL on Rae’s thigh. Rae smiled. The rest of the show was made up with slightly odd and incoherent choices made by the pair. Their usual banter was absent and the comments were banal.

Finn decided to end the show with The Charlatans “One to Another”. He hoped Rae would understand what he meant by it.

He really wanted Rae to understand. He tapped his foot and listened.

“Love I adore you

Always lookin’ for you

And I’ll be there whenever you need me

Be my Spiderwoman I’ll be your Spiderman”

  
  


However, Rae was even more confused - all that went round in her head were the words “sister and brother”. Was he trying to say they were just friends, a good team but that was it?

As soon as the show finished, Steve came storming in. “I don’t know what on earth is up with you two today but that was utter Shite. This is supposed to be a Saturday Night show, uplifting and fun. That was awful, there was nothing coherent about it and neither of you seemed to want to talk either. You really  need to sort this out as if there is a repeat of this next week, I am not going to be able to cover for you to management. They’ll want you out. “

Finn was staring at the floor. Rae had tears in her eyes. Steve wondered if he had he gone too far. “Both of you know this is why we don’t approve of relationships between staff particularly co-presenters.”

Finn wanted to defend Rae this was his fault. He was tired and grumpy and he knew he should have called her. “Look Steve, this is all my fault. We’re not together, please ..”

Before he could finish Rae ran out of the studio. “Oh fuck” Finn sighed he put his head in his hands. “Fuck”

“Look Finn. I’m not trying to pry but what on earth is going on? I thought you two were getting on really well.”

“Yeah we were.”

“Well I don’t get it Finn. “

******************************************************

Archie stormed in. “What the fuck is going on Finn? Rae’s just left in tears. What the hell is going on. I warned you about hurting Rae. This isn’t bloody well good enough.”

“Well Finn? I thought you liked her. More than liked her Finn. How fucking dare you do this to Rae.”

“Is she ok?” Finn asked, his brow furrowed and looking pained.

“To be honest I don’t know. Dan’s got the car and he’s trying to find her”.

“oh shit. Shit.” Finn collapsed into a chair and the tears ran down his cheek. “I’ve fucked up big time Archie. I didn’t mean to I promise, it’s just, it’s just”….

Finn was interrupted by some sound technicians walking down the corridor.

Steve was worried. “Look why don’t you come back to my office, I’ve got a stash of beer and we can talk there.”

The three went into Steve’s tiny office and he opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out a four pack.

“Nelson I’ll forget about what happened in the studio last week if you forget these. I think I’d get the chop if management found out”. He smiled.

However, Archie was still fuming. “What  happened last week in the studio Finn?”

“We, I. I mean mean we sort of made love”.

“Just like you Nelson. Think with your dick first and foremost and -”

“It wasn’t like that Archie.”

“Well what the hell was it like Finn. Rae asked me a couple of days ago how you were and if that’s anything to go by I assume you’ve not spoken to her? Was that all she meant to you Finn? I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. I really thought you had feelings for her and go and sleep with her and ignore her? That’s simply un-fucking-acceptable”

“No it wasn’t like that” Finn started to cry gently. “It’s not like that. I really, really like Rae. Well more than like.  I think I’ve fallen for her.”

“This is ridiculous Finn why are you ignoring her.”

“I’m not ignoring her. It’s just, well I’m not sure whether she likes me”.

Archie looked at him. “You should bloody well talk to her Finn. This is childish.”

“I was going to Archie, honestly but I couldn’t get hold of her to start with and then I realised

we’re just both so busy. I wanted to call her but she was always out or at work and when she’s free I am at work……. I am dead on my feet Archie. I’m working every hour I can but it’s never going to be enough. As it is I’m barely scraping a living together. Because I am working so many hours, I don’t have much time either. I’m renting a room and working four jobs right now and that’s not including all the extra shifts and club slots I cover. “

Finn paused “Rae’s just so talented and amazing and funny and I fuckin’ love her but-”.

Finn blushed and hung his head. “Rae deserves so much more than I could ever give her. “

“Well that’s her decision you bell-end, you can’t decide for her. What’s brought all this on?”

“It was all that talk about my nan last weekend. It got me thinking. I remembered how she talked about how people deserved to be treated. And you know Rae reminds me of her so much - you know how she’s always talking and she’s kind and funny. I just  think I’d be letting Rae down  all the time as I’ve got nothing to give her.  God it’s all such a pile of shite right now”.

Archie squashed up next to Finn on the tiny sofa and put an arm round him. “Mate you’re not making much sense but I get the idea. Shit must get this call.”

Archie answered his mobile. “Hi Dan…..Thank god for that….. Where you taking her?…… Is she ok?…… Are you sure? ….. It’s complicated, really complicated…look I’ll see you later”.

“Is she ok? Where is she? I couldn’t forgive myself -”

Archie put a hand on Finn’s. “Dan’s found her and is taking her back to her flat. Finn you’ve got to sort this out.”

Steve who had hardly said a word at that point decided it was a good time to say something. “Look Finn, I had no idea you were working that hard. I assumed, - actually I don’t know what I assumed. You’re really talented. I know you’ve always refused Alice’s help but I could see if I could get you full time position. Even if it’s not here.”

“Nah I love No Crap FM. I’ve gotta be able to stand on my own two feet.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t accept help Finn” Archie said.

Steve nodded. “Look Finn, a couple of people owe me favours and it wouldn’t be too hard to get you in front of the right people. It would then be down to you. It might take me a few weeks but ?”

“I don’t know Steve.”

“Fuck’s sake Finn. For once in your life, just accept some help. You’ve had a shitty time with Alice and don’t fuck up a chance, a chance to make things better, a chance to chase your dream just because of your pride”.

Finn felt defeated he knew Archie was right. He nodded “Ok then”.

“Good. Now you wanker what you going to about Rae?”

Finn sighed “I need to talk to her. Now.”

Steve who hadn’t  even opened beer grabbed his car keys “Right I’m driving. You’ve been drinking Finn. Come on let’s go”.

***********************************************************************

Steve’s car pulled up outside Chloe and Rae’s flat. Archie and Finn walked to the door and rang the bell. Dan came down from the stairs and opened the door.

“Finn there’d better be a bloody good explanation for this because she’s been up there in tears for a while. I had to convince her bloody hard to come back in the car with me”.

“I fucked up big time.”

With that Finn walked up the stairs. He found Rae sat on the sofa, glass of wine in hand. There was cup of half drunk tea on the table.”

“Rae” he sat down on the sofa.

“Look Nelson, you didn’t need to come here. I get it you know. It was just a bit of fun between friends, sorry I overreacted tonight. Must be overtired”.

Finn sighed, it all sounded wooden and rehearsed to him and it was his fault.

“Rae it wasn’t just fun between friends, at least not for me anyways. I did try and tell you what I felt last week, perhaps I fucked that up like I fucked up tonight”.

Rae turned to look at him “ I don’t get it Finn”

“What Rae, what don’t you get? Tonight I was trying to protect you when Steve was reading us the riot act. I was the one who started things and I should be the one to take the blame.”

He looked at Rae for a sign of reassurance but she was just looking out of the window into the night.

“Fuck Rae, I meant what I said last week I’m fallin’ for you.”

“Fuck off Finn. That’s utter bollocks. If you were falling’ for me as you claim to be, you might have called me this week, you could have come and seen on Tuesday as I know you don’t work then, ya could have been more enthusiastic during the show. But what do I get? No call, no email, and then you behave like a complete moron on the show. Your choices - music and otherwise were crap tonight Nelson. It was like ya was embarrassed about the whole thing.”

“No Rae that’s not it at all” Finn ran his hand through his hair.

“What’s is it then Finn. What is your problem.?You can’t treat me like - “

“Alright Rae. I’m an utter dickhead. I lied about saying I was thinking I had fallin’ for you but-”

“Fuck you Finn” Rae reached down and took a huge gulp of wine.

Finn grabbed the glass off her and put it down on the table. “Please Rae, look at me” Finn gently cupped her cheek and she scowled at him.

“If you must know Rae I was lying about  saying I thought I was falling you for you because I knew I was falling for you, in fact I might have fallen already. “ He bit his cheek.

“And yeah I was a pratt not to have tried harder to speak to you this week. I did call but there was no answer on Sunday and I spoke to Chlo on Thursday. But I should have come round to see you to talk to you. But I was nervous Rae. I was afraid in case you didn’t feel anything for me, what if I was just a one night stand for you….. and then you were being so funny with me today and I - “

At this point Finn had to stop and swallow. He grabbed Rae’s glass of wine and took a huge swig.

“Christ that tastes o’piss. What are you doing drinking wine Rae, I thought you hated the stuff?”

“I do.” She smiled. “It’s the only alcohol in the house. I can’t afford to buy any and Chlo only buys wine”

She took a breath “Actually Finn, I was a bit off with you tonight. On purpose, because I was pissed you hadn’t called and I thought someone like you would never be interested in me”. She looked down.

Finn shuffled next to her - . “Everything I said last week was true girl. You’re amazing, smart and funny and beautiful “ he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear “and I fancy the arse off ya but -”

““Thing is Rae I lost me nerve tonight. You work so hard, you’re always so busy and you deserve to be treated well and I can’t treat you like you deserve. I’ve got 4 jobs Rae, Alice has wiped me out financially. I have ta work to live and I can barely afford the rent on Chop’s spare room. It’s not as if I could give you the time you deserve either. I suppose I am trying to say  I’ve got nothing to give ya.”

Finn’s face had fallen. “Me nan always told me that you need to spend time with people who are important to ya. Ya need to talk. I’m worried I’ll never see ya Rae. I’m worried that’s going to make very unhappy and I”

Rae pulled Finn into her arms. “You are a prize dickhead at times Nelson”.

She looked him in the eye “You know you never asked me how I felt. You can’t make my decisions for me.”

He nodded and looked down.

“Just so you know Finn, I’ve also got 4 jobs if you count Hospital Radio. I am beyond broke and I am renting Chloe’s box room - it’s only big enough for my bed and a chest of drawers. I can’t always to afford to buy beer” she gestured at the wine. “So I am forced to drink this piss.” She giggled.

“But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t try Finn. I mean if you still wanted to. We could see how things go?” Rae was trying to sound laid back and chilled about this but Finn picked up on the tremor in her voice.

He had to get it right this time, he gently took her hand in his interlacing their fingers. “I’d bloody love to try Rae. If ya’ll have me.”

Rae smiled at him but didn’t answer.

“Finn will ya put some music on?” Rae nodded towards the screen  of sophistication and silliness. Finn frowned and raised an eyebrow. Rae nodded again.

Finn laughed when he folded the screen back to find Rae’s pictures all stuck to the inside. He was fascinated and was looking at the the photos of Rae over the years and all her concert tickets and forgot about  the music.

“Music ya dickhead”.

“Alright Earl don’t get your knickers in a twist.” Finn said before realising what he’d said.

“We can talk about that once you’ve put some music on Nelson”.

Finn felt a familiar tingling in his body. He quickly rooted around through Rae’s vinyl and in the end went for Bowie’s “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust”.

“This is an epic album Rae, Probably in me top 5 all time. Bowie’s a fucking musical god, have you got any of his other albums? “ he asked sitting down beside her.

“Sometimes I wonder about you Nelson. Does your brain constantly think about music? “

Finn crumpled his nose “Well yeah obviously.” and then added “When I’m not thinking about you that is.”

Rae raised her eyebrows. “You think about me?”

“Yeah girl. You’ve filled me mind for the last few weeks whether I am awake or asleep.”

Rae’s eyes widened. Finn could see the expression on her face. He recalled Archie’s words. Now was not the time to hold back.

“Yeah I dream about you girl. Sometimes, well no more than sometimes, quite a lot really, nah virtually all the time. “

“And what exactly do you dream about Nelson?”

Finn blushed. “Well you know.”

“Actually Finn I don’t know” Rae said with a straight face. “Do ya spend all time dreaming about how you’re going to get one over me on the show?”

Finn’s eyes widened and Rae clasped her hand over her mouth “Musically I meant Finn” she said trying to keep her composure and raised her eyes trying to look serious.

Finn started to snicker and Rae swatted him on the arm.

“Nah Rae not musically, although I have to admit that it’s fun beating you on the show.” He jumped up and started rooting through her vinyls again and changed the record.

“Thought you said Reggae was crap Rae” he said waving a Marley LP at her. He put it on.

She blushed. “You going to ask me to dance then Finn?” she said standing up.

Finn bit his lip and looked at her holding her gaze. “That wasn’t the sort of dancing I had in mind Rae”.

He heard a sharp intake of breath and Rae’s eyes widened. He licked his lips, “I was thinking of the sort of dancing that features in my dreams Rae. If ya want ta”.

Rae swallowed. She grabbed Finn’s shirt and pulled him close so they were touching. He put his arms around his waist and was about to kiss her when Rae started moving her hips very suggestively against him in time to the music.

Finn felt like the breath had been taken out his body. He held Rae close to him as she threw her arms into the air and leant back. He could feel himself growing next to her. “Shit Rae you don’t know what this is doing to me.”

“Oh but Finnley I do. Remember that time we danced in the club?”

Oh shit. She’d felt him then too. He blushed.

“Yeah Finn.” She closed the distance and gently kissed his lips. She caught his lip between hers and gently bit on it.

Finn started to kiss her back. It was all tongues and teeth for a minute as they were overtaken by the need to have each other. He started grinding his pelvis into hers.

Rae moaned softly. Finn pulled back from the kiss and raised his eyebrows at Rae. “So what do ya think about dancing my way”.

Rae swatted him on the arm and danced back towards the sofa. She danced as she slipped off her black dress twirling it around before throwing it off. She then removed her socks and leggings all while swaying in time to the music.

Finn stood there with his mouth opened wide. He couldn’t believe this was happening. She was now in her bra and panties and looking like some kind of goddess with her creamy skin and black hair flowing.

“Are ya just going to  stand there catching flies Nelson? Or are ya going to join me?”

Finn undressed in a daze. He pulled her close to him and they danced in their underwear kissing, with Finn’s finger tracing shapes all over her skin. He walked them back to the sofa and gently pushed them down onto the sofa. He carried on kissing her and running his hands all over her body.

Rae moaned as his fingers ran over her breasts and he remembered how sensitive her nipples were. He went to work kissing and biting them through the fabric of her bra. Rae groaned and writhed against him. He moved his hand down between her legs, gently teasing her by running his fingers lightly over the outside of her panties. He circled around her most sensitive area and then gently pushed Rae’s panties to one side so he could slip a finger into her. Rae gasped as his finger gently slid inside and out. She suddenly pushed him back. “Not this time Finn”.

He looked shocked and got up. “S, sorry Rae he stuttered” confusion all over his face as he watched Rae get up and go into one of the bedrooms. Shit had he fucked up again? He followed her slowly, his heart in his mouth . She came out of one bedroom and shut the door.

Rae smiled at him. She gestured towards the other door and opened it wide. She took his hand and pulled him towards her. Rae knelt down and pulled his boxers down and pulled a condom out her bra. “Not without one of these Finn” she said and proceeded to use her mouth to roll it on.  Finn had to grab onto the door handle to hold himself up.

“You look a bit unsteady on your feet Finn” Rae smirked as “Could you be loved” came on from the living room. “So show me how good ya really are at your kind of dancing Finn”.

Finn didn’t need telling twice. He grabbed Rae and lifted her on to the bed. He ran his fingers between her legs and finding her very wet already , her simply hooked her panties to one side and slid in, pushing her down with his weight. He started moving inside her keeping in rhythm with the music. He gently sang in her ear for a while until he couldn’t remember the words anymore. He started to increase the pressure of his thrusts and Rae started to moan and grab her breasts. Finn paused to take a nipple in his mouth and he started to suck and then bite causing Rae to wriggle and gasp until she couldn’t take anymore.

“Finn, dance in me hard will ya”.

Finn grabbed her legs and pulled them up around his waist, he then pushed in deeply and set off thrusting in deeply, still matching the beat of the music. He could feel Rae was tensing strongly now and  suddenly she started to shake beneath him. She screamed loudly as she came which pushed him into coming very quickly and very hard. They had barely caught their breath when they heard a door slam and running footsteps.

“Rae, Rae” Chloe and Archie ran in through the open door.

Finn was still inside Rae. He decided not to move to grab the covers as that would have meant exposing Rae.

“Jesus” Archie said.

“Sorry Rae” Chloe said. Both were rooted to the spot in Rae’s room.

“Will ja just fuck off” Finn said “And close the door on your way out”.

Rae started to giggle and Finn smiled at her. “That scream of yours is quite something girl.”

He gently pulled out of her and sat up to remove the condom and pulled her close.

“You ok girl? Was I , was it good enough?”

“Good enough? You have to ask after I , well I made enough noise that Archie and Chloe came in”

He smiled.

Rae looked at the condom packet and she remembered her conversation with Chloe. “Umm Finn ya know last time, and we didn’t use a condom?”

“God I am so sorry about that. Did ya manage to get to the chemist, I mean it’s not  - well are you ok?”

“Yeah it’s fine Finn. I took the pill yesterday but you know condoms aren’t just about preventing pregnancy”. Rae’s body tensed up completely and Finn could see her starting to count to 10, unspoken words forming on her lips.

Finn pulled her to him. “It’s alright Rae, I’ve never done it without a johnny before. I promise. I’m just so sorry I forgot. I just can’t think straight around you.”

“Actually Finn I’m not much better, I had to nick that condom from Chloe’s room. “

Finn kissed the top of her head. “Much as I would love to stay here, it’s now 2am and I know Chloe and Archie are still awake. I think we, well I should go and face the music.”

Finn stood up and realised the only item of his clothing in the room was his boxers. He pulled them on. Rae stood up to dress.

“Nah Rae you don’t have to - this is all my fault”.

“Finn I want to” she said grabbing her dressing gown and yawning.

***********************************************

Finn walked into the living room to find Archie and Chloe sat on the sofa. Archie threw him his t-shirt and jeans which Finn hurriedly put on.

“Where’s Dan?”

“Finn he went straight home - he’s got to get to work early tomorrow. Do you have any idea how late it is?”

Finn grimaced and rubbed the back of his head with his hand “yeah it’s 2am. Where have you two been?”

“Well shortly after you came up here, Chloe arrived back and we went to the late night cafe for hot chocolate.”

Chloe hiccuped and then giggled. “Haven’t had hot chocolate in years Rae. I was down the Dolly with Rita and we may have had free drinks for most of the night”.

Rae smiled. “Archie wa just coming up to check things were ok and he was going to go home when we heard you scream.”

Rae blushed a deep shade of crimson. “When we came running in I, we -hic- weren’t expecting to find that you’d let Finn whack it in ya tonight”.

There was a moment of awkward silence until Rae started to giggle, and then Finn started to laugh, Archie and Chloe started laughing too.

Finn stopped laughing to yawn. He was shattered and had to sit down quickly.

“You ok Finn?” Rae yawned.

“Just tired Rae. I think you’ve worn me out. I really need to sleep”.

“Don’t forget you’ve got work tomorrow Finn” Archie said.

“Yes Dad! I’ve got to get up at 7, I know”.

Archie yawned , t “I suppose I’d better get a taxi back” .

“You might as well stay Archie and get one back first thing. They’re hic bloody hard to get at hic this time on a Monday morning” said Chloe.

“Go on Archie” said Rae.

“Alright but on one condition, I am not sharing a bed with you two” he said pointing at Finn and Rae.

After a bit of bickering, Archie slept in Rae’s bed, Chloe in her own room and Finn and Rae took the sofa bed in the living room. Finn pulled Rae to him - ”Night girl”. He kissed her on the lips and she smiled at him. “Night Finn”.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT ALERT - don’t say you haven’t been warned.  
> The next part will feature more action in every sense I think.

Archie woke first in the morning. He had set Rae’s alarm for 6 to make sure he had time to head home for a shower and a change of clothes. As he set off silently he noticed Rae and Finn’s entangled bodies on the sofa bed. He smiled to himself and said a silent prayer that this time they would talk. He yawned and he realised how tired he was and how Finn must feel living on so little sleep and vowed he would do what he could to help them out.

Chloe’s alarm went off next and she turned on the radio to wake up Rae and Finn and then she got in the shower. Rae had a quick shower and Finn came into the bathroom.

“Finn what are you doing?” Rae wasn’t sure she was ready for Finn to see her like this first thing in the morning. “Finn get out”.

Finn felted momentarily panicked then turned his back “It’s alright Rae I won’t look. I just wanted to talk to ya. I wanted to ask ya if I can pick ya up from the hospital tomorrow? I’m not working.”

“Yeah that’d be good.”

“Great. I mean I would like to see ya tonight but I don’t finish at the club until 2.”

“Well I can come down after my shift at the cafe.”

“No Rae, you need ya sleep girl, I know ya’ve got an early shift at the cafe on Tuesday.”

Rae smiled “But Finn”

“No buts girl. “

“Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not seriously going to work without a shower are ya?”

“Aye I am ”

“So its back to eau de BO then?”

Finn chuckled. He desperately wanted to get in the shower with her but he needed Rae to know she could trust him and he needed to get to work.

********************************************************************

Finn met Rae at the hospital as planned. He actually went into meet her and found  her chatting with a young girl, who he thought couldn’t’ be more than 10. The girl had a smile on her face and gave Rae a huge hug. Finn smiled - she was quite something Rae. He’d noticed a number of small things about her and realised that she was a very caring person and he liked that.

He kissed on her on the cheek as she walked up to him and he couldn’t help but smile. He looked into her eyes and cupped her cheek and kissed her gently on the lips. “You alright girl?”

She smiled back. “Yeah not too bad” she said with a yawn. “What about you?”

“OK. Late one last night though and I’ve done a short 5 hour shift at the record shop this morning though.”

“So which way shall we walk to town, via the industrial estate or, er, did you want to visit…” Rae broke off.

Finn squeezed her hand. “Only if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Course I wouldn’t” she smiled.

They walked hand in hand to the cemetery.  Finn lead the way and brought Rae to his nan’s gravestone.  “So this is me nan Rae” he said biting his lip. He so wished Rae could have met his nan. He swallowed and knelt down gently brushing the gravestone with his fingers.

“Hey nan. This is Rae” he said biting his cheek.

Rae crouched down next to him and took his hand in hers. “Hey, I’m Rae. You know your grandson is a very kind man, I should imagine you’d be pretty proud of him. “

Finn squeezed her hand. They exchanged a few more softly spoken words before Finn got up and held his hand out to Rae to help her up.

“Come on girl, I guess we should start walking you to the cafe.” He smiled at her from under his eyelashes and Rae’s breath suddenly caught in her throat. The late afternoon sun lit his face and she could see every detail, the scar under his eye, his freckles, his deep brown eyes. He was simply beautiful - and she sighed. She didn’t mean to do that out loud.

“What’s up girl” he said raising his eyebrows.

Rae blushed “Nothing, you know just thinking what a beautiful day it is”.

“That it is girl, that it is.” he smiled. “And I’m bloody lucky to be enjoying it with a beautiful girl like you.”

Rae couldn’t help but smile and look at the floor. She couldn’t believe he’d said that.

As they walked along Finn let go of Rae’s hand and pulled her close to him, putting his arm around her shoulders. When they got to the cafe, Rae made Finn a cup of tea as he liked it strong and with sugar. Finn didn’t want to leave but he had to go to the local radio station again that night and Rae was DJ’ing at the Dolly.

“I wish I didn’t’ have ta go Rae.” Finn sighed.

“Why don’t you come down the Dolly tonight when you’ve finished Finn. I’ll be leaving there at 1.”

“That’d be good.”

*************************************************

Finn arrived at the Dolly past midnight. He’d only been there a couple of times before. The club was located in the cellars under a restaurant down a side alley in town. It was very much an old school indie club, there was nothing sophisticated about it. It was definitely on the dingy side but it hosted a number of good music nights and often had live bands.

Finn ordered a pint and ran his hand through his hair. Christ he was tired.  He stood at the bar, yawned and drunk his beer. The barmaid had dyed red hair and several piercings. She spoke to Finn “Hey, long day?”

“Yeah something like that.”

“Not seen you here before.” Finn suddenly looked up at her and realised that she was leaning forward and showing off rather a lot of her cleavage at him. He didn’t want to be rude and so answered “Well it;s been a little while since I was last here.”

“I would have remembered you if I’d met you before.”

Shit was she flirting.  He turned around and pointed towards the DJ booth - “Actually I came to listen to Earl’s set”.

“She’s good isn’t she. Rich really rates her. She’s got a slot on No Crap FM on Saturday Night you know”

Finn turned back around and smirked “Oh yes, I know about that one.”

“Shit you’re Finn Nelson aren’t you. I don’t know why I didn’t recognise you before. I think’s because you don’t have Alice on your arm. There was a picture of you two in yesterday’s GO Magazine.”

Finn frowned. It must have been an old picture. He thought it was rather odd as he knew the press hadn’t managed to take many pictures of them in public. His attention was caught by “Sweet Child of Mine” being played. He smiled and walked towards the DJ booth and waved at Rae.

Rae caught his eye and showed him both her hands  and he understood that meant she would be finished in 10 minutes. He wandered back to the bar and ordered another pint. He was leaning on the bar when Rae came over.

He leant over and kissed Rae on the cheek. “Good set girl - well what I caught of it .” he yawned.

A dark haired unshaven man came over, “Rich this is Finn”.

Rich shook Finn’s hand “Glad to meet you properly at last. I mean I’ve heard a fair bit about you from Rae”. Rae blushed and she tried to kick Rich on the shin but ending up stubbing her toe. “Fuck” she exclaimed.

Both Finn and Rich realised what had happened and both tried to suppress laughter catching each others eyes but Rae’s cross face wasn’t helping. She then smacked them both on the arm “It’s so not funny”. This made Finn and Rich erupted into loud peals of laughter.

Rae was trying to look really cross but it didn’t’ last long as Finn suddenly kissed her on the lips. “God you’re cute when you look cross Rae”.

Rae blushed and Rich smiled at the pair “Just a co-presenter then Rae?” he said raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah something like that”.

“So Finn, do you want another beer?”. Finn knew he shouldn’t as he really needed sleep but he nodded his head.

Rich, Finn and Rae sat on some sofas in a quiet corner of the club and the conversation soon got on to music. Finn and Rich both had very similar taste and were soon debating whether the live version of The Cure’s “Seventeen Seconds” was better than the original recorded version due to its’ passion and depth of sound compared to the original.

Rae yawned and put her drink on the table. Without thinking Finn put an arm around her and pulled her to him so her head was resting on his shoulder and he turned and placed a kiss on her hair. “Alright Girl? ”

Rae wasn’t sure how to respond but Rich was just smiling and continuing to chat with Finn. He seemed to have totally accepted the situation with no questions asked. Actually, he was like that, if Rich liked someone he was totally relaxed with them and good fun. If he didn’t like Finn he would have let Rae know by now. He was quite protective of her especially when drunks came onto her or people were rude or aggressive.

Rae yawned again and that started Finn off yawning.

“Right you too should both go and get some kip” said Rich. “Both of you look like you really need it. You’re making me feel tired just looking at you.”

Finn looked at Rae and he couldn’t resist using a cheesy line. He’d always wanted to say it. “Your place or mine?”

Rae’s eyes widened but two could play at the game and it wasn’t as if she was going to have to pretend in front of Rich now. “Yours Finn. You’ve got the bigger bed if you can’t remember.”

He chuckled.

“Just co-presenters”  Rich said nodding his head and chuckling.

Finn and Rae took a taxi back to Chop’s flat. Rae had fallen asleep on Finn’s shoulder on the way home. He had to gently wake her up and walked her up the stairs. Rae took her shoes off and Finn his boots off. They curled up together under the duvet without bothering to get undressed.

***********************************

Wednesday was another busy day with Rae and Finn both working the day and Rae working in the cafe in the evening and Finn was DJ’ing so they didn’t see each other. Thursday followed much the same pattern but with Rae DJ’ing in  the evening and Finn presenting on the Radio.  Both worked again during the day on Friday but Rae had a night off and she decided to surprise Finn at the club.

Rae had worn a blue dress to match the now fading blue streaks in the front of her hair, leggings and black boots. She had put on make-up and wore her hair loose. As she entered the club Finn was playing a dance mix of “Begging You “ by the Stone Roses and he was there dancing along in his booth, t-shirt sleeves rolled up.

She noticed the muscles of his arm as he danced with an arm in the hair and the other clutching the headphones. He was looking really hot. She noticed a group of girls at the front dancing and staring at him. She knew she shouldn’t be surprised at that, I mean who wouldn’t want to look at him- he was an absolute god. Rae wandered over to the bar, she need dutch courage. “Double vodka lime and soda please”.

While the barmaid was getting her drink, Rae turned round to gaze at Finn again. He was now playing “Dub me good to me”. She nodded her head in time with music. The barmaid came back with her drink. “He’s good isn’t he? And he’s so fit.”

Rae suddenly swallowed. “Er yeah suppose”

The barmaid continued “I think he might be single. He used to be dating that Alice Trevellian but I’ve not seen her for a bit”.

Rae gulped back her vodka. “Could I have another please”.

After Rae had gulped back her second Vodka she slowly made her way over to the DJ Booth. As soon as Finn saw her his eyes lit up and he beckoned her over to the booth. She smiled at him as he let up into the booth. He whispered in her ear “You’re looking great Rae. What you doing here?”

“I’ve come to see you, you dickhead!”

He bopped her on the nose with his finger. He took a mouthful of beer from the plastic cup under the decks. He was now mixing into the next track and Rae was absolutely mesmerised by his arms. The next track was “Blue Monday” by New Order and Rae started to dance with Finn, it had a great base line and Rae couldn’t help but dance. Finn didn’t care what people thought and pulled her into him and went to kiss her on the mouth but Rae turned her head. She was feeling a little nervous with all these people around.

Rae turned around and wiggled away from Finn. She bent down and took a huge swig of Finn’s beer and carried on dancing, moving her hips in time with base. Finn had to have her close to him - he hadn’t seen her for two days and he ached to feel her. Finn circled his arms around her waist but Rae was not to give in easily. She carried on dancing and he had to loosen his grip a little so that his hands were on her waist. However, Rae didn’t move away she carried on moving in time with her music.

Finn was really enjoying this, Christ her dancing was mesmeric. But before he could really register what was happening, Rae was grinding her bottom against his crotch in time with the base of the music. His jeans started to feel really uncomfortable. He only had 15 minutes left to play but he had no idea how he was going to get through it.

Finn managed to change tracks. He tried to dance with Rae facing him knowing that this was a safer option but Rae kept turning around and making it worse. He was surprised he could still stand up as all the blood seemed to have rushed in one direction. He put his arms around her waist after he put on the last track and half whispered half shouted in her ear “You are a minx Miss Earl”. She carried on dancing.

As the track came to an end Finn said goodnight. A young DJ came up to play the last half hour set which was a wind down and indication that the club was soon closing. Finn walked close behind Rae until they were out of the booth when she made to walk off quickly but he stopped her by circling his arms around her waist again. “No so fast Earl, you know you’ve been a naughty girl”.

Rae smirked “I have no idea what you are talking about Nelson”.

Finn pulled her very tight against him, he knew that she knew already but he wanted to see her reaction. Rae suddenly took a sharp breath in when she felt his very present erection pressing against her. Finn started to walk across the club with his arms still around Rae. She was giggling. She thought they were headed for the normal exit when he suddenly turned down a corridor and opened the fire exit door that lead outside to the metal emergency staircase.

“Finn what are we doing out here”

“It’s me favourite way out when things are busy - don’t have to mix with the crowd trying to get out that way. I also might come out here for the odd smoke.”

Rae watched a steady stream of people and groups leaving the club, some were waiting for taxis and some were walking.

Rae shivered and Finn pulled her into him. “It’s a lovely clear night - just look at those stars girl.” Rae looked up at the sky and smiled. She leant back into Finn and then the idea came to her.  She turned around. “Kiss me Finn, under the stars”.

Finn started kissing Rae gently to start with but things very quickly became heated, his jeans were still as uncomfortable as ever. He ran his hands over Rae’s breasts, he simply couldn’t resist them and they just inflated his desire further and he let out a low groan, that was almost a growl. Rae’s eyes widened, he really was very turned on. Finn was really pulling her in tight now.

Without warning, Rae dropped to her knees and undid his belt and fly very quickly. She snuck her hand in his boxers and took him in her mouth. Finn had to grab the rail behind him for support, his mind had gone blank. He’d even forgotten about the clubbers leaving some 25 feet below him as Rae was giving him the best head he’d ever had. She was licking along his length and circling her tongue over the top then taking him deep into her mouth. Rae couldn’t believe she was doing this but listening to Finn’s groans and seeing how he was holding onto the rail for dear life just spurred her on.

It was when Rae started stroking his balls whilst deep throating him, that Finn realised that there was no going back and this was going to be explosive. He felt a familiar fire start in his belly and spread through his body. He came with a loud shout. Rae stood up quickly to spare Finn as his shout was very loud and a few clubbers were looking up to see where the noise had come from.

Finn quickly sorted himself out. “Jesus Christ Rae. I mean, like fuck that was good”.

“Like Fuck Finn?”

“Well me mind’s gone a bit wonky right how” he tried to walk but nearly stumbled. “And so it seems are me legs”. He sat on the top step of the stairs and lit a cigarette. “Rae you didn’t need to do that girl. Fuck it was amazing but you deserve pleasure too.”

“Finn I’m fine. I’m pretty tired anyway, what I’d like more than anything would be - “ she stopped herself she didn’t want to sound like a clingy girlfriend thinking about Alice.

“What would like girl? Please tell me”.

“It’s nothing Finn.”

Finn stood up again and pulled Rae close. He cupped her cheek and looked into her eyes. He kissed her on the lips, his eyes not leaving hers. “What is it girl?”

“I just want to sleep with you next to me Finn” she blushed “I want to lie in your arms.”

He kissed her on the lips again his thumb stroking across her cheek. “Your wish is my command girl”. He held his arm out for her and they wandered down the steps. Finn hailed a cab and they were soon back at Chop’s flat.

Chop was sat there watching Tv and Izzy was curled asleep with her head in his lap

“Hey hey it’s Raemundo. Nice one Finny”

“Chop. You alright?”

“Yeah yeah, Izzy fell asleep during HellRaiser. Can you believe it!”

“Oh Chop man, you still trying to pull Izzy by watching horror films with her?You are so lame”.

“Well at least I didn’t get a boner sharing my bed with my best mate and the bird I’m trying to pull”.

Finn whacked Chop hard on the arm. Chop hit him back playfully. Finn then hit him a bit harder and Chop lept over the back of the sofa and jumped on Finn as they continued to play fight. Both were in high spirits. Izzy woke up and she and Rae watched as Finn and Chop wrestled each other on the floor. Both girls shared a look - it was actually part funny and part hot.

Rae cleared her throat and Chop and Finn looked up to see Izzy and Rae smiling at them.

“Do you two know what time it is?”

Finn looked guilty - “Sorry girl had to show Chopper here my moves.”

“Your moves?” Rae raised her eyebrows and burst into giggles.

Finn smirked at her and saw Rae was yawning. “Come on girl” he walked her to his room. He put his arms round her and kissed her. “Finn I’m really knackered and much as that’s wonderful I’ve got started at the cafe at 9.”

Finn sighed but he knew Rae was right. Rae was trying to decide how to undress - she didn’t have a spare change of clothes and she didn’t want to sleep in her blue dress as it was one of her favourites. “What’s up girl?”

“I’ve got to go to work tomorrow and I sure as hell dont’ want to wear this - you’d better set the alarm for 7 so I can go home and get changed.”

“Why don’t you borrow one of my shirts or tees. We’ve got several the same? “

“I  might stretch them Finn” Rae said pointing at her boobs

Finn smirked. “Well I can’t compete with those girl but please borrow something. It’s late and you need your sleep”

Rae nodded and ended up sleeping in her vest and pants. Finn’s body reacted again to having her half naked body pressed against his. He was getting used to it now, his dick clearly had a mind of its own and woke up at the most inconvenient moments.

********************************************************************

Saturday was another work filled day for Rae and Finn. Despite being very tired both got up in a great mood because it was Saturday, and that meant they got to spend a couple of hours together in the evening during their slot at No Crap FM. It also meant there was no need to have a tentative conversation in the morning about when they were next going to see each other. It was still very much early days and neither wanted the other to think they were coming on too strong.

Finn ended up staying later at work than he intended as he needed to close up at the shop and he wanted to pick out something different to play on the show. He really wanted to impress Rae and he also knew he had to be on his metal if he was going to try and impress anyone Steve had lined up especially after last week’s awful show.

Finn kicked off the show with Black Grape’s “Reverend Black Grape”. “This one borrows lyrics from a hymn or carol. And I give this to you because tonight people No Crap FM is bringing you to worship at the altar of awesome music”.

Rae smiled at him. He was bloody good. She’d made an effort for tonight - but it was only for Finn’s benefit. She’d put on a  burgundy tartan shirt dress with tights. It looked close enough to what she usually wore but was definitely more girly than her usual choices.

Rae knew exactly what to play next. “I am sure Nelson would agree me, if we’re talking awesome music the top of the list must be the Roses and staying with his theme, Brown is the messiah of Indie pop. I give you “I am the Resurrection”.

Rae smiled at Finn and crossed her legs in a somewhat exaggerated fashion. He looked at her and realised she was wearing a dress. He liked the way Rae wore a dress with boots or converse, very much in her own style. Hang on - were those tights and not leggings. He swallowed. This could be fun.

Finn picked his next record with glee. “Grunge so may dead but for this song alone it should be resurrected. It’s the gods of grunge Nirvana with “Smells like Teen Spirit”.

Finn started jumping around to the song and deliberately fell over Rae’s feet so he was “forced” to use her legs to prop himself back up. He actually ran his hand up her leg from ankle to mid thigh and watched her blush as he pulled himself up. He sat down smirking.

Rae’s mind was reeling and she perhaps didn’t make the best choice for her next song, she meant to select “Tonight Tonight” but Finn’s hand travelling up her leg had made her a bit flustered. “Erm well here’s the amazing smashing Smashing Pumpkins with “Today” because today really can be the greatest day of all”.

Finn raised his eyebrows at her and then broke into a grin He scooted over to her on her chair and wrote on her leg NOT THEIR BEST TRACK. With each letter Finn’s finger had got higher up her thigh He saw Rae’s mouth open and she gasped as he drew a very swooping K and smirked again. He was so going to give Rae payback for last night.

“Today Earl. Really? I would have thought Tonight, Tonight would have been a better choice. Going back a few years but the vocal on this track is simply astounding if not heavenly. It’s Pink Floyd’s “Great Gig in the Sky”. “

Rae listened to the vocal and was amazed to hear the human voice being used like that. Suddenly she felt finn’s finger on her thigh LIKE IT GIRL?. She nodded he then traced again GOOD. This time his fingers ended up under the skirt of her dress. Was he making the writing bigger or something Rae wondered. She looked across at him with his freckles looking at her from under his eyelashes and wondered how God could have created anyone quite so good looking.

Rae realised she had seconds to chose another track and her mind was blank. You can’t go wrong with the Beatles could you she thought. “So still thinking about the heavens here. Another utter classic it’s the Beatles and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”.

Finn smirked. He scooted over to her and traced on her thigh NOT LET IT BE? This time he let his finger graze against the top of her inner thighs and he watched as Rae tried swallowed and tried to compose herself. Then he worried he’d gone too far.  He traced on her thigh IS THIS OK?  Rae nodded and raised her eyebrows at him.

It was Finn’s turn next. “Back to 90s Gods of music. I think Earl would agree that Oasis have to be one of the most awesome bands ever and this is their message “Don’t look back in anger” . He raised his eyebrows at Rae.

Rae frowned at Finn as he scooted over to her. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure nobody in the production team on the far side of the perspex was standing up and he slid both his hands up her inner thighs and when he got to her crotch he tore her tights and used the fingers from his right hand to graze against her knickers. This whole gesture sent Rae’s senses reeling. She couldn’t believe he’d done that. She was so turned on right now.

Rae’s next choice was about as far as her mind could go right now “This is about where I’m at right now “Living on a prayer” by Bon Jovi”.

Finn snaked his hand trailing fingers up Rae’s thigh , under her skirt and onto the bare exposed skin at the top of her legs. He gently circled over her knickers and watched her breathing become shallow. She was seriously wet right now. Finn carried on as long as he dare before he changed the track. As soon as he could Finn’s hand was back on Rae’s inner thigh teasing her with his fingers as he spoke.

“This might have been their attempt a mainstream song but it’s still very much the Cure. Smith is supposed to have said this song was about  _hyperventilating—kissing and fainting to the floor_ apparently. So  I guess it just depends on what you think heaven is. Yup it’s “Just like heaven”.

As the music came on Finn gently slipped his fingers under Rae’s knickers stroking gently and feeling her wetness. She was pretty flushed right now and he gently slipped a finger inside her. This caused a jolt through her body. Rae was struggling to control herself, she really wanted to moan and she knew she couldn’t. She couldn’t move much either as the production crew might wonder what on earth was going on. This just made the sensations so much more intense. She could barely think.

Finn realised it was soon going to be time for Rae to choose a record and much as her earlier choices had been amusing, he wouldn’t have been surprised if she put on something daft right now like the Backstreet Boys or other such rubbish. Rae whispered in his ear “Finn I need to get a track. Help me you dickhead”.

Finn smirked and grabbed a Pearl Jam record. He put it on for her and as she started to talk his finger started tapping on her clit so her words came out very husky and breathlessly “Umm this is Alive by Pearl Jam because feeling can make you feel so Ahhhhhhhhhh Alive”.

Finn giggled at her as she tried to swot him. His fingers were still teasing her and he slipped two fingers in this time. Sliding them slowly in and out. Rae’s eyes were half closed and her breathing was coming in short gasps. He knew she wasn’t far off. He slid his fingers out to put the next track on, Rae was looking gorgeous with her flushed face, her wide eyes and her lips still slightly parted.

“I’ve chosen another grunge track that I’m afraid that is most definitely a better song than Earl’s last choice. But this song is very much for her. It’s Nirvana again with what I think is their best and certainly my favourite of their tracks “Come as you are””.

As the music came on, Finn’s fingers had slid back inside Rae. He then started tapping gently on her clit with his thumb. Rae was trembling now and he pulled her head into his shoulder so that her mouth was directly against his shirt and shoulder. He whispered in her ear “Come for me Earl”. That pushed Rae over the edge, she came undone around him moaning loudly into his shoulder which stifled the sound. As she started to still, he realised he was going to have to finish the show as she was still breathing very fast. He kissed Rae on the top of her head and scooted off.

“So to close the show tonight, I want to give you a special song. A lot of you will know that this band were formed from the ashes of Joy Division who wrote some truly emotional songs. Yes I’m talking about New Order and this song is for all those you believe in music, who believe in the power of music as a form of expression, it’s very uplifting it’s “True Faith”.

  
  


**************************************************

Rae was really tired and just wanted to get to bed after the show especially now. “Can’t you wait up a minute girl” Finn asked.

Rae turned to see him with his back to the perspex fiddling with his jeans. “Nelson please don’t tell me,  right now you’re brains are halfway to your head.”

He shouted “Aye” He loved the fact she’d just quoted Oasis to him.

Finn took Rae back to Chop’s flat on his scooter. When the got in, he was hungry and so they ate cereal. Rae’s hand was sliding up his thigh under the table. He put his hand on hers to stop it.

“Rae please dont’ start something we can’t finish.”

“We so could Finn”.

“Rae I’m fine you really don’t need to.”

“But I want to”.

The door opened and Chop and Izzy came in. They sat at the table and chatted about their night out with Archie, Dan and Chloe. Soon all four were yawning.

“Time for bed people” Chop said. “Just look at you twos yawning”.

Rae had to admit she needed sleep. Finn took her by the hand back to his room. The two collapsed into bed with Rae wearing Finn’s Oasis t-shirt which she’d pretty much stolen.

Finn snuggled down into the bed with a smile and stroked Rae’s hair. “Night girl”.

“Night Finn”.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry this fic keeps writing itself. There’s a fair bit of story to go - hope you aren’t bored yet.  
> MAJOR SMUT ALERT AGAIN - SORRY.

The next couple of weeks settled into a routine of sorts with snatched moments together whenever and wherever possible. Rae and Finn were both very tired and had to spent most nights apart. This only served to make Finn grumpy and Rae upset.

Finn had dropped his Tuesday afternoon shift at the record shop just so he could spend the an hour with Rae walking from the hospital to the cafe. It was time spent walking hand in hand or with his arm draped over her shoulders, where they both enjoyed the physical closeness of each other. They talked in hushed tones, sharing confidences and shared looks. It was the only time they had where they could in a sense be alone together.

Steve had been true to his word - he had spoken to a friend who had a high profile club in London and he wanted to meet Finn. Finn managed to get a Friday night off from the club as Steve provided them with an alternative DJ and he and Steve were due to travel to London together in the afternoon. Steve had arranged for them to stay the night with his friend and they would travel back on the Saturday in time for the usual No Crap FM slot with Rae.

Finn was very reluctant to go because Friday was the one night when Rae would come over to his and they could share a bed and worse still he knew Rae had this Saturday afternoon off work. But Rae had pointed out he really should go and that this was important to him. To be truthful Rae was very worried about what would happen if he got the job - what night of the week would it be, would he still stay on at No Crap FM, would he even have to move?

Finn dropped into the cafe to see Rae before he had to leave. Rae brought him his tea - strong, with sugar  and looked at his glum face. “Tea makes everything alright Finn” she said. As it was quiet Rae sat down. Finn reached across the table and stroked Rae’s cheek with his calloused fingers. He looked into her eyes to check it was ok and then kissed her on the lips.

“I wish you could come with me girl”.

“Yeah, you know I’d like that but I can’t”. Rae rolled her eyes.

Finn sighed “I guess I’ll see ya tomorrow night then.”

They both stood up as he was about to leave. He could see Rae was close to tears and he pulled her close into him. He was stroking her hair. He pulled back and kissed Rae on the lips again. Her tears began to run down her cheeks. “I know it’s only 24 hours Finn But I’m going to miss you”.

Finn whispered into her hair “I’m going to miss ya too girl. I love ya”.

His brain had barely registered he’d said those words out loud as he was walking out of the door.

Rae stood rooted to the spot. Had she heard him correctly?

************************************************

Although she knew she should go to bed and get an early night, Rae was in in such a good mood  that she and Chloe decided to go to the Dolly. They had a band playing that night and it was going to be lively.

Rae and Chloe spied Rich serving behind the bar. He acknowledged them with a small nod of the head and came out with two drinks; Bacardi and Coke for Chloe and a snakebite and black for Rae.

“Hey it’s my two favourite ladies.” He kissed them both on the cheek. “I’m afraid it’s a bit busy in here tonight….. Not brought your favourite co-presenter along then, Rae?” he said with a wink.

Chloe looked at  Rae who spoke “He’s in London with Steve, you know seeing someone about a regular slot in a club” .

“Ahh I see” Said Rich. He wasn’t surprised as he suspected Finn was very good from what he’d heard on the show and also from what Rae had said.  He saw that Rae’s earlier good spirits seemed to have evaporated.

Rae excused herself and went to the ladies.

“Is its just me Chlo or does our Rae seem a bit down about Finn?”

“Well I don’t think it’s easy for them, they both work nearly all the time, both in different places every night and they can barely spend anytime with each other”.

Rich nodded thoughtfully.

Chloe continued “I think Rae’s afraid the whole London thing’s going to make it worse but he really needs a break.  I think Rae’s also worried about … “ Chloe broke off wanting to be careful what she said in front of Rae’s boss but she was pleasantly surprised when Rich picked up where she left off.

“You talking about Rae’s confidence issues?”

Chloe nodded.

“I think she’s got a lot better since I’ve known her - you’ve seen her playing here she’s a pretty cool customer”.

“Yeah but Finn, well he’s so..”

“You mean Finn’s a pretty boy? and that Rae feels he’s somehow out of her league?” Chloe nodded. “You know I really don’t think she has anything to worry about there. Last time I saw him half the punters, and most of my staff looked like they would drop their knickers at the sight of him but he really  didn’t  notice. He was only interested in Rae. I mean he even gave Lola the barmaid short shrift when she was flashing copious amounts of cleavage. He must have it bad….” Rich finished with a chuckle.

Chloe swotted Rich on the arm.

“Sorry Chloe I’m being a bit coarse, I’ve been in this business far too long. I honestly think Finn’s sound and Rae has nothing to worry about. Perhaps we just need to help her see that from time to time”.

Chloe smiled at Rich - she realised she’d got him quite wrong in the past. He might have a bit of a front but he was alright underneath it all - caring and considerate and a pretty astute judge of character. She liked that.

When Rae came back she saw Chlo and Rich chatting like old friends and smiled to herself. Rich would be perfect for Chloe, he was so down to earth yet he loved to party, he would balance out Chloe perfectly she thought. The trouble was she thought, he probably wasn’t Chloe’s type. Chloe loved the clean cut business man, the guy with his own house with a neatly clipped lawn, bedlinen that matched the curtains, a Golf GTi parked on the driveway and a gym membership. Rich was none of those things, well Rae knew he went to the gym but that was about it.

“So what you two nattering on about?” she asked.

“I was just saying how the three of us are going to have a great night” said Rich. “Tequila slammers all round. Then I want to see you two dance to the band”.

Rae didn’t feel much like dancing and she’d never seen Rich dance to a band. “We’ll dance Rich but only if you do.”

Much to Rae’s surprise Rich got up and danced with them after two Tequila slammers a piece. He had one arm around Chloe and the other round Rae. They’d had a great night and he kissed both of them goodnight on the cheek. Though Rae was fairly sure she’d seen him linger on Chloe’s cheek.

**************************************************

Steve took Finn to meet his friend James who ran a club in London. It was mostly a dance venue these days but had its roots in Indie music and so often had nights with Indie edged music. James instantly liked Finn when they were chatting over a beer as he discovered Finn’s vastly eclectic music knowledge. They even discovered a joint like of Babylon Zoo’s “Spaceman” when James had asked Finn if he had any guilty listening pleasures

James asked if Finn would be prepared to play a set there and then to see how he’d cope. Finn agreed - he wasn’t prepared but James had asked his DJ to give Finn use of all the vinyl. Finn’s set had gone down a storm with the clubbers. It was definitely edgier and more varied than they were used to on a Friday night but everyone was up on their feet dancing. The effect Finn had on female clubbers hadn’t gone unnoticed on James either - he’d asked Steve why he hadn’t mentioned it before. Steve’s response had been that it was not part of Finn’s character to care what people looked like and whilst he would politely tolerate the attention from the kind of girls that were only interested in him for his looks, Finn hated it. Steve then mentioned he had a girlfriend and James nodded - he wasn’t surprised in the least.

After Finn’s set had finished to cheers, he made his way back to the bar to join James and Steve whilst the regular DJ resumed  playing. Finn was in high spirits and happy to drink with Steve and James - the three were all arguing about music. It was soon 1am and James left his manager in charge and to close up and the three decided to head out to go to a late bar and listen to some jazz.

Finn didn’t notice the change in atmosphere as they were leaving the club as a group of people made their way over to James and Steve. He suddenly felt an arm around his waist and lips on his cheek followed by blinding flashes of light. Finn froze when he realised it was Alice. He was absolutely rooted to the spot as her lips met his face, unable to process what on earth was happening.

Suddenly he heard Steve’s voice “Finn, Finn” and his mind became clearer “Get off me. Get the fuck off me Alice”. He knew he was going to lose his temper as Steve pulled him away with James and they shielded Finn from the cameras. They ran off down an alley and ended up near a bar and whilst it wasn’t where they intended to go - they decided they all needed a drink to settle them.

Steve bought three pints and three whiskey chasers. Finn downed his whiskey first.

“I take it from that Alice Trevellian is not in your good books right now” James said.

“Fuckin’ understatement” said Finn.

“I should never have let her in the club” said James

“She was in the club? Fuck.” Finn sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “I need a cigarette” and he walked outside.

“Shit. I thought Alice was the girlfriend you were referring to” James said.

“She’s his ex. Trashed his flat and a lot of vinyl when he finished things.”

“Oh. So who’s the current squeeze then?”

“You’ve listened to the show haven’t you?”

“Yeah it does make it as far as the big smoke. You mean to say - that….oh. Actually that doesn’t surprise me - I’ve not heard anything like it in years - did they come as a package?”

“No he was with Alice then. It started off as real arguments and let’s just say the tension progressed from there. But I think it may be the real deal. He’s very relaxed with her, if you saw them together you’d understand. It’s -” Steve trailed off as Finn came back in and sat down.

“You alright finn” Steve asked.

“Aye. Just Alice, why the fuck can’t she get it? I couldn’t have made it clearer”.

“Look Finn, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but I thought Alice and you were, well … an item because…. Have you read any magazines recently? Seen any press?”

Finn shook his head.

James grimaced “There have been a few pictures of you and Alice in the papers and magazines in the last couple of weeks, you know saying things like you were photographed together in Notting Hill”.

“But I haven’t been to Notting Hill for months….. Oh shit they must be old photos. Fuck.”

Steve put his hand on Finn’s arm. “Finn it’ll be ok. I know it’s Rae you’re really worried about, we can sort this out together.”

Finn sighed.

********************************************

Rae and Chloe and Izzy all met at Chloe’s flat to have a girly afternoon. Chloe painted all their nails and Izzy did  their hair whilst Rae was in charge of music. They were all in good spirits and Rae was feeling  especially happy because Chloe had been asking questions about Rich. Rae really hoped Chloe would find a good man - one that kept her interested but at the same time wouldn’t let Chloe walk all over him.

  
  


Chloe had brought a pile of magazines for them to look through. Rae was idling flicking through one not really paying attention when a picture caught her eye. Rae started shaking and the magazine fell out of her grasp. She went white as sheet. She could hear Izzy and Chloe saying her name but it was muffled.

She felt the girls arms around her and then Izzy spoke quite clearly. “That’s really odd that photo. I mean it’s really old, I don’t know why it’s in the magazine.”

Chloe flicked through another magazine “Look it’s in here too. When was it taken Izz?”

“About a year ago. I should know because Chop and I were out with them that night. I remember because Alice was insisting we stay out late and Finn just wanted to go home. She caused a real scene and then looked like the cat that got the cream when the photographers arrived.”

“But why now?” Rae said quietly.

“Oh Rae - remember she is the original bunny boiler.” said Chloe.

“But Finn….”

“Finn adores you Rae. I’ve never seen him so happy. He different with you, you know good different and I should know. He’s been living on our spare room for years. He was unhappy with Alice but he’d never admit it.”

Izzy gave Rae a huge hug and then Chloe joined in. “Thanks girls, it’s just…. well he’s away and you know he was with Alice for years and she’s … oh it doesn’t matter..”

“You’ll be seeing him in a couple of hours Rae… let’s get you looking amazing ..”

***************************************

Rae arrived early at No Crap FM, she was looking forward to seeing Finn. She sat down on one of the sofas and picked up today’s paper which she started to flick through. Rae froze when she got to the gossip column for  there was a photo taken last night of Finn with Alice kissing him. Her heart started to beat really quickly and she felt nauseous. She wanted to believe it was an old one like those she’d seen in the magazines but she knew Finn was wearing the clothes in the photo that he’d been wearing yesterday when he left the cafe.

Rae wanted to run away. She thought about going back to the flat and hiding there but something stopped her. She remembered their happy times in the studio and something deep in her made her stay even if she felt awful about it.

As Finn and Steve walked in, Finn’s stomach sank as he saw Rae with a copy of today’s paper in front of her. He’d seen it already. His mouth went dry and his whole body tensed up and he stopped dead in his tracks. Steve frowned at him and then looked at Rae.

“Rae…. Rae I was going to tell you later, I , well she… she” Finn was a stuttering mess.

Rae stood up tears in her eyes. “This was last night wasn’t it Finn?”.

He nodded.

“I can’t believe you Nelson, after what you said yesterday, you go down to London and…  and you ….” She started walking off.

“Rae stop” Steve shouted. He hadn’t meant to shout, but he was tired and he was also feeling guilty about having taken Finn to London. He really hated it when these two misunderstood each other. He grabbed the paper and pointed to the picture. “Rae what you can’t see is that those bastards cropped out James and me. I was standing just to his side there and -”

“You mean you knew about him and Alice? I thought we…-”

“Rae, Alice just turned up out of the blue and leapt on Finn.”

“You mean the photographers were conveniently there just to capture that one moment”. She said raising both her eyebrows and her voice.

This fact been bothering Steve. “Yeah Rae they were. I don’t get it either but we came out of the club, Alice came up to Finn and and they were just there. And before you ask we got out of there pretty quickly without Alice”.

“Oh. “ Rae was still pretty shaken .

Finn was biting his cheek now. “I’m…. I’m … s…so…so.. sorry Rae”. She looked at him and saw the pain and hurt in his face and she realised that they were telling the truth. Finn looked so hurt at her doubting him that she had to touch him.

Rae drew Finn into a hug “It’s alright Finn I believe you”. With relief he enveloped her in his strong arms, stroking her hair. He whispered in her ear “I am so sorry girl. I really don’t want to you to go. You know I love ya.”

The sensation of Finn’s breath in her ear made Rae feel funny, she could feel a familiar tingling in her skin. She turned and kissed him on the cheek.

Finn felt her kiss and pulled back to look at her. He gently pressed his lips to hers. He forgot where he was and ran his tongue between her lips pulling her body in hard against his and she opened his mouth in response so his tongue could enter. Rae moaned into the kiss.

Steve coughed “Fuck’s sake you two. I’m still here remember. You have a show to do.” He said tapping his watch.

Finn kicked off the show “You know there are some odd people out there. Sometimes they just seem a bit odd because you don’t understand them.  Also sometimes you think you know someone and realise you don’t at all. This song by James just about sums up someone I knew. It’s “Laid””.

Rae started to giggle when she heard the lyrics

“Moved out of the house so you moved next door

I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall

I found you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone”

She traced on Finn’s thigh….. THAT BAD?

He nodded.

It was Rae’s turn next. “Nelson’s choice was one for nympho stalkers, but I’ve always found this song far creepier even if it wasn’t intended to be so… It’s the Police with “Every breath you take”.

Finn scooted over to her and traced on her thigh BRILLIANT CHOICE.

The show continued with Finn picking a theme and Rae trying to outdo him on song choice.

Towards the end Finn changed tack. “So I thought we’d slow things down and reduce the noise level a bit. It may be Saturday night people but let’s really tune in and listen to the music. This is actually a sad song but it conveys so much love. It’s Cat Stevens’ “Wild World” from the amazingly named “Tea for the Tillerman” album”.

Rae raised her eyebrows at Finn. She was not expecting this. She had to think about what to play next.

“Unlike the miserable Nelson, I prefer more uplifting lyrics; so here from the same era is Otis Redding’s “Dock of the bay”.

Finn realised he had time for just one more song as the last two were rather short.

“So as Earl has left is in 1967, I take us full circle to the start of the show. This song’s actually about cheating but not many people know that. But you can’t really help who you fall in love with… listen to that vocal people and dance this one out with someone you love. It’s Percy Sledge with “The dark end of the street”.

Finn flicked the switch so the music played in the studio and he stood up and held his hand out for Rae and mouthed “Dance with me girl?”.

Rae wasn’t going to, on account of the production team, but when he did that thing with his eyebrows, she couldn’t resist. Finn pulled her into his arms and softly sang into her hair as Rae buried her head in his shoulder. He stroked her hair with one hand and left a succession of light kisses on her hair. Their bodies hardly moving, just swaying side to side to the music.

Steve looked up and smiled. He was relieved, he had no idea what was going on with Alice but it was pretty clear where Finn’s affections lay. As the song tailed off and the show ended. Finn reluctantly released Rae from his arms. He collected their coats from that table at the back of the studio.

Steve met them in reception. “You two look knackered. I’ve booked you a cab. Could I be an interfering old boss and suggest that you go home and get some sleep rather than go clubbing.”

“You getting too old for a late one then Steve?” joked Finn.

“By the look of you pair, I’d say you two are as well!”

“Touche Steve and thanks, thanks for, for everything” said Rae smiling.

****************************************

Finn asked Rae if she wanted to go home or if she wanted to come back with him. She choose to go back to Chop’s flat. When they got there Rae started yawning.

“I don’t want to keep you up girl, shall I make you a cocoa before ya call it a day?”

“Flippin’ heck Finn I’m not 10 years old.. neither am I 90. But…I hate to admit it I’m exhausted. Do ya know what I would really like right now?”

Finn raised his eyebrows at her “Beer, wine, cup of tea?”

“Nah a bath. A good long soak and then sleep.”

“Alright girl - I’ll run you a bath”. Finn wandered into the bathroom and ran her a bath, using some of Izzy’s scented oil stuff. He quite liked using it himself occasionally when he was exhausted after a night DJ’ing.

“Bath’s ready girl” he said turning off the taps. Rae kissed him on the cheek. “Actually, I’ve changed my mind, could you make me that cocoa Finn?”

Rae closed the door, undressed and got into the bath. Christ she was tired and the hot scented  water soothed her. She lay back relaxing, almost dozing off when Finn came in. Finn nearly dropped the cocoa as he saw Rae in the bath, her hair splayed out some floating in the water and some over the back of the bath. She was an absolute vision but what really did it was her breasts floating in the water. He swallowed and stood there with his mouth hanging open.

“Are you going to close the door Nelson? You’re letting a draft in.” She sniggered at his face.

He nodded and shut the door almost automatically and put the cocoa down on the sink.

“Are you getting in with me Finn? Or are ya just going to stare?”

Finn undressed quickly leaving his clothes in a heap and took the tap end of the bath like any gentleman should he reasoned. Rae sat up facing him, his legs on the outside of hers. Having got as comfortable as he could with the taps behind him, he looked up at  Rae who was staring at his groin with her mouth slightly open and a red blush on her cheeks.

He frowned. “Something wrong girl?”

Rae was silent.  Finn looked down at his erection. “Rae?…. Rae? …Is there something amiss with me cock?”

Rae really blushed now. “No, its just, I mean I know I’ve seen it before but it’s … it’s “ and she mumbled “magnificent”.

It was Finn’s turn to blush “Oh I thought ya didn’t like it or …summat.  I’m sorry, you have this this effect on it “ he said gesturing at it… “It seems to happen rather a lot”.

Finn was staring at Rae’s breasts. She looked at him “Something amiss with the girls Finn?”

He smiled as she used his own words back to him. “It’s just… well I could swear they’ve grown.”

Rae looked down and used her hands to feel her own breasts “Are you sure Finn, they’ve always been well huge”. Rae carried on moving her hands around her breasts.

Finn grunted. Shit for a second he thought he’d come there and then. “Rae you’re going to have to stop that right now or…. Or  I think I might you know?”

“You know… you know what Finn?” Rae said with a smirk on her face and lowered her head to take his cock in her mouth. Finn grunted again - he had to grasp the sides of the bath, this was way, way too good. He barely lasted a couple of minutes. He had meant to stop Rae but he simply couldn’t speak, let alone move as it was all too much.

When his breathing had returned to a semi-normal state he uttered “I am so sorry girl, I didn’t mean ta come so quickly, you’re just too much for me right now”.

She smiled at him and then bit her lip. “It’s alright Finn.”

Rae let the plug out as the water was getting cold and she stepped out of the bath using two hands on the side of the bath to stop her slipping. This gave Finn an idea. He quickly leapt out of the bath “Leave your hands there a minute”.

Rae was confused. She felt finn moving her round so she was facing the bath with her hands on the side of the tub, body bent over. She felt him kiss a trail up the inside of her legs and then he carried on upwards.  She gasped loudly and couldn’t believe the effect this was having on her. His tongue was now probing but not quite inside her. As he slid a finger in her and carried on with his tongue, she let out a loud groan. His tongue sped up and he slid a second finger in and she had to grip onto the bath  for dear life to stop herself from collapsing. Before she knew it she was shaking and loud groan came out her mouth that got higher and higher in pitch as she came. Finn had to steady her to keep her upright.

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. “Are you ok in there Rae?”

Her eyes widened and she looked at Finn. It was Chop. “Er…. yes, yes Chop.”

“Are you sure Rae, should I get Izzy?”

“She’s fine Chop.” Finn said.

“Oh, please don’t tell me, oh you, oh you fuckers. I see. Right well I’ll see yous in the morning.”

“Night Chop” Rae called.

Rae and Finn wrapped themselves in towels and collected their clothes from the floor. They checked the coast was clear and walked back to Finn’s room. The mood had been killed and both were really tired. Rae pulled on Finn’s Oasis T-shirt and her knickers and Finn a pair of tracksuit bottoms and another t-shirt. They curled up in bed and were soon asleep.

********************************

Finn and Rae hardly saw each other over the next fortnight. They were both working so hard. Finn had spoken to James on the phone who had offered him a well-paid regular Thursday night slot starting in a few weeks time. He’d offered Finn the use of his flat too thinking that Finn would be taking the train down and not driving and he knew there wouldn’t be any trains at 3am when Finn would be finished at the club.

Finn was grateful and thanked James profusely but James had heard the hesitation in his voice and told Finn to take the time to think about it. James was hoping Finn would make London a more permanent fixture - he would have been happy to offer him more work but from what Steve said he realised Finn had reasons not to want to move. He wondered if he could persuade Finn to move if he could find Rae a job.

Chop and Archie had noticed how grumpy Finn had been of late. They’d seen the dark circles under his eyes and how down he seemed. They were joined by Chloe and Izzy one night while watching Rae DJ down at the Dolly. Chloe had mentioned how tired Rae was too. Chop made a smart comment about their extra-curricular activities but soon realised that Rae had only spent 2 nights at theirs in the last fortnight. Chloe explained that Finn had not been round to her flat either. All the friends were worried about Finn and Rae.

“Guys I think they need to spend some time together, proper time, not just an hour here or there after work”.

“Izzy that means they’d need to take time off work “ Chop replied.

“I don’t see why not. Rae needs a break, I’ve never seen her this tired before” Chloe said.

“Yeah but how on earth are they going to manage taking time off from so many different jobs all at the same time - logistical nightmare” said Archie.

The evening off had been Chop’s idea.They would all go out for a meal and a few drinks, leaving Finn and Rae to spend some time together alone in the flat. Izzy said she’d cook a meal for them. Chloe volunteered to speak to Rich to get Rae the night off and Chop reckoned Finn could pull a sickie as he’d never had time off from the club he DJ’d at.

************************************************

Chop had told Finn they were having a party as Chloe had said Rae needed cheering up and asked him to collect Rae from the cafe. He’d not given Finn much notice as he knew Finn’s conscience would get the better of him and he wouldn’t call in sick if he had too much time to think about it.

Rae couldn’t believe her eyes when Finn turned up. “Thought you were meant to be playing at the club tonight what you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you?” he said bopping her on the nose with his finger.

“Finn ya daft twat, I’ve got to get to the club in what? Just over an hour and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve still got half an hour to go here.”

“Language Miss Earl, language”. She raised an eyebrow at him.

Finn chuckled at Rae. “I think you’ll find Chlo has Rich wrapped right around her finger. You’ve got the night off.”

“You tease Nelson. Not funny. Rich would never give me the night off - I mean who’s going to DJ at such short notice?”

“He is. You know he used to be a pro right?”

Rae nodded “God he must have it bad for Chlo. He’s not played in public for years… Hang on this means I’ve really got the night off?”

“Yeah girl”.

“Right well, I ‘ll need half an hour at home, quick turnaround and I can come to the club with you”.

“Nah you’re not coming to the club with me”.

Rae frowned.

“I’ve er called in sick and we’re going to a party at mine tonight - Chop’s organised it all”.

Rae’s face lit up. “I still need to go home and get changed.”

“You don’t. You’re fine as you are.”

After a few more minutes play arguing over Rae wanting to going home, Rae finally gave in. She nipped into the toilets and put a bit of makeup on. Chloe always insisted she should carry a small purse of makeup in her bag and for once she was grateful she’d taken Chloe’s advice.

Finn walked Rae back to Chop’s flat. Both were wrapped up against the cold. They looked at the Christmas lights together. Rae loved the Christmas lights and happily chatted about her plans for Christmas and seeing her family. Finn felt himself relax again for the first time it seemed in days. He seemed to find everything so much easier with Rae there by his side.

As Finn opened the door Rae remarked how strange it was that there was no music or noise from the party. Finn thought they might be early.  As they walked into the living room, Rae gasped, for the flat had been decorated with tinsel and fairy lights and there was a small tree in the corner.

“Something smells good” Finn commented… “OH” he said as he saw the table set up for two. “I think we might have, might have been”

“Set up” Rae interupted and then she giggled and picked up a piece of paper from the table with Izzy’s handwriting on.

“Looks like the hotpot needs a bit longer to cook Finn. Fancy a drink?” She said picking a can up off the table laughing.

“That’s Chop all over, real classy he is. I’ll sort some music”. Finn went into his room and put the Beatles Blue Album on quietly.

Finn came back out of his room leaving the door open “Hey Rae, come here.”

“Really Nelson, I have been here for all of 5 minutes and ya expect me to put out” she said jokingly. But she stopped and gasped when she got to Finn.

Finn’s room had strings of fairy lights all around the walls and there was a another set wrapped around the headboard. The bed was neatly made with fresh sheets.

Finn pulled Rae to him, his body ached for her but that was nothing compared to how he missed her when they hadn’t been able to see each other during the week. He held Rae tight as his emotions rushed through him. He realised he needed to show her how he really felt.

“So Finn do ya just want to…” Rae trailed off.

He was silent for a while. “No, Rae I don’t just want to….”

He pulled back from the embrace and looked at her in the eye. He reached his right hand out to stroke her cheek and then tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. He swallowed and very quietly his words came out.

“Rae I want ta… no I need ta… make love to ya… If you’ll have me that is?” He bit his lip still looking at her eyes.

She nodded silently. He placed a chaste kiss on her lips and went to change the music.

“Rae I’ve never shared this album with anyone before. It’s something I listened to when I need it like after me nan died. It’s not necessarily about the words, you can just feel it you know”.

Rae nodded as Finn showed her Pink Floyd’s Wish you were here. “It’s an original pressing complete with postcard”.

“I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.” She said as the opening bars of “Shine on you crazy diamond played”.

Finn walked towards Rae and started to kiss her on the lips. Gently at first and then catching her lips between his and gently biting. He allowed his lips to drag across hers until she was breathless. Soon they were lying on the bed. Finn had gently undressed Rae and she him.

Finn’s mouth opened in sheer pleasure as he entered her but he never broke eye contact. He started off extremely slowly, using his arms to hold himself above her. The sensation was beyond exquisite, beyond anything either of them had ever experienced. As he noticed her breath coming in shorter bursts he sped up a little. He had to bite his lip hard at one point to stop himself groaning. Rae started to shake underneath him, her cheeks flushed a deep red and her eyes fluttered shut briefly as she came undone. That pushed him over the edge and he came undone in the most intense experience he had ever had. As his breathing slowed, he pushed himself back up on his arms to kiss her. He saw tears in her eyes.

“Rae?” His eyes were wide with worry.

“Finn.” She was silent as she tried to form the right words. “That was incredible”.

“You are incredible” he smiled.

He kissed her again on the lips and gently pulled out of her. They lay in each others arms, comfortable in silence simply hearing each other breathe.

Rae broke the silence “I really wish this moment never had to end. It’s just so peaceful, being here with you, is ….” she bit her lip, could she say it? But before she had a chance, Finn got in first.

“I love you girl.” He blushed.

“Ooh Finn you’ve got a lovely colour to your cheeks.” She looked at his eyes, he looked slightly worried. “Oh Finn, I love you too.” A smile returned to his face and he pulled her back in close.

Finn wasn’t quite sure what set him off this time but he was beginning to understand that his body responded to hers in a way that he had no control over. What started off as a chaste  kiss, ended up being all tongue and teeth, his hand tangled in her hair. His free hand running all over her body, her teeth nipping at his neck. He pulled her on top of him with a wicked glint in his eyes.

The atmosphere between them changed. Every touch causing pulses of electricity to run through each other. She was sat up on him now running her hands up and down his chest, he could feel her wetness and groaned then grasped her breasts roughly in his hands, when she threw her head back and moaned, he used his strength to pull his upper body up and bite her nipples.

She reached down and opened a condom. She got on her hands and knees crawling up the bed to put it on with her mouth. She tossed her hair in front of her face as her head went down. When she had finished she looked up at him mouth slightly open and he had to bite his cheek hard as she lowered herself onto him to stop himself from crying out. She started to ride him breasts bouncing and moaning. When she started to run her hands over her own body, his eyes turned black and he couldn’t take it anymore. He flipped her onto her back with a growl. Rae had never heard anything like it before, her eyes wide.

He snaked his hips into hers in a brutal rhythm that literally knocked the breath from her. She raked her nails down his back. This only served to spur him on and increase the pace further. Rae threw her arms above her head and he grasped them together with one hand using the other to prop himself up. She was moaning loudly now. His teeth started to nip at the skin around her collarbone and up her neck. He could feel her start to shake and scream but he didn’t slow down. As her shaking subsided she wrapped her legs around his back. He was fighting the fire in his belly now as she started to scream again, she rolled her head back and forth. He wasn’t sure how much more she could take but when she croaked out “more” in a whisper against his neck, he resumed his punishing pace twisting his hips slightly with each thrust to get as deep as possible. When she started to shake for a third time and cried out softly in a hoarse whisper, he finally allowed the sensations to overcome him and he came seeing stars and uttering profanities.

Finn collapsed in an exhausted heap. He could barely breathe. He kissed her on the forehead as soon as his breathing allowed him to do. Rae was lying back hair all over the pillow, looking quite pale.

Suddenly his expression turned to worry. He stroked her face with his hand “Rae?”

“Yeah” she mumbled.

“Was I… was I too rough for ya?”

“Nah but  you’ve worn me out Finn, I mean I’ve never … not that many times” she blushed.

He smiled at her “Well you nearly killed me girl, here” he said pulling her head to his chest… “Just listen to how fast me heart is beating”.

She chuckled for a minute and was then soothed by the rhythm of his heart and fell asleep with her head next to his chest.

*********************************************

Archie, Dan, Chloe, Izzy and Chop made their way back to the flat at 2am. As Izzy unlocked the door she was nervous “It’s a bit quiet isn’t it?”

“I wonder if they’ve gone out to listen to some music or something” said Chloe.

As they walked into the living room, Dan commented “Wow something smells good”.

They all stopped when they noticed the untouched table with its places still laid out and Izzy walked through to the kitchen “Erm the oven’s still on low”.

“Where on earth are they?” said Archie “ I bloody hope they haven’t had another row”.

“It’s either that Archer or they’ve been shagging all night”.

“Chop do you always have to lower the tone?” said Archie.

But they realised that Chop could be right and the 5 of them wandered toward the bedroom. It was silent apart from the noise of the turntable with a long forgotten record still spinning. The door was open. They all looked at each other wondering if they should knock or what they should do.

Chop crept forward and turned around smiling beckoning the others forward. He pointed towards the bed. Finn was fast asleep on his back one arm above his head with Rae’s head on his chest her hair spread everywhere. The sheets were all untucked and the duvet was half out of its cover. He tried to creep back out quietly but tripped over one of Finn’s boots and swore loudly.

Everyone froze as Finn grunted and then opened his eyes “Chop, what the fuck?”. He suddenly saw the other standing in the doorway and buried his head in the pillow.

Rae started to stir and Finn made sure he held the covers tightly around her as she woke up “Finn?”

“Erm Rae we have company.”

She frowned at him “What? What’s the time Finn?”

Chop got in there first “It’s 2 am. Weren’t you two hungry?”

“Shit we’ve been asleep for 5 hours” said Rae and then realised just who was there and dived under the covers.

Finn grinned “Can you lot back the fuck out of my room a moment…. please”.

He pulled the covers down when the door shut “Rae you hungry?”

She nodded.

“Good I am fucking ravenous. Let’s get up and eat our supper - be rude not to”.

Finn pulled on a pair of joggers and a t shirt. Rae wasn’t sure she could go out and face the others with her hair in this mess and with make-up streaked on her face. Finn chuckled and threw her the oasis T-shirt. Rae put a bra on and pulled on some leggings. The two wandered out sleepily into the living room where the others were sat drinks in hand, coats in a big pile.

“Izz, I am so sorry we fell asleep, I am ravenous - can we try your hot pot now?” She smiled and nodded.

“Oi I am hungry too you know “ said Chop.

“Me too” said Archie.

In the end Izzy heated two loaves of garlic bread from the freezer and cooked up some pasta as she didn’t have anything else in the house and the 7 shared a meal of pasta, hotpot and bread laughing and joking.

“Were you really asleep all that time?” asked Archie.

Rae blushed and looked at the floor. Finn bit the inside of his cheek trying not to smile.

“Of course they wasn’t ya knobhead. Did you see the state of that bed?” Chop said.

Rae giggled and met Finn’s eyes as he raised his eyebrows at her and started to chuckle.

“Well nah but we must have been asleep for over 5 hours though.”

“Well you probably both needed it” Archie said looking at the pair yawning.

Rae smiled “Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired” she said trying to smile but yawned instead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BORING I KNOW BUT SMUT ALERT

Finn woke in great form on Saturday morning. Rae, however, was still looking pale and tired. He insisted on making her breakfast in bed, which she only picked at. Finn wished they could spend more time together like the previous evening but their work schedule was ridiculous. All their friends had explained last night how they were amazed either of them kept going and they weren’t surprised the pair could hardly spend any time together because either one, the other, or both were working.

Archie had had a quiet word with him after Rae went to bed as he was worried that Rae was wearing herself out. He’d promised to help Finn try and find a solution and to look at the financial side of things though he had pointed out they would not be better off if they lived together but it may make logistics easier. Finn had pointed out the last thing he wanted was to scare Rae off by suggesting that they live together too soon.

Rae went to work in the same clothes she’d worn the previous day. Not the best but they were mostly black and she knew her boss was highly unlikely to notice.

Finn had a good day in the record shop. He was really looking forward to the show on No Crap FM that night. He could just feel it was going to be a good one.

Finn kicked of the show with Sabotage by the Beastie Boys saying “This is one to get you good people going. Earl reckons this is mainstream, I’m not so sure…. I mean you don’t hear this played that much…whatever Earl reckons.”

“I’m not going to deny that Sabotage is a classic track. But it so is mainstream Nelson. To redress the balance, I’m going for one of your favourite bands Primal Scream “Loaded”…

‘cos we free to do what we wanna do”.

Finn smiled at her and traced on her thigh. I FUCKING LOVE … PRIMAL SCREAM

Raw raised her eyebrows and swatted his arm.

“Alright Miss Earl, that track was mint. So do you want to be my “Plug in baby” and “crucify my enemies” then Earl… yes it’s recent and its the epic Muse”. Rae scooted over to Finn and traced on his thigh… I FLIPPING LOVE… MUSE.

They shared a look and Rae went to choose her next record. “I’m taking you back to the 90s again and Green Day’s Welcome to Paradise…as rather like your last song Nelson the song title and lyrics do not match”.

Finn scooted over to her. YOU ARE SO WRONG. Rae looked at him He was looking quite crossly at her.

“Earl here is so wrong - she’d clearly never understood “Plug in baby”.  To help you with your investigative skills Earl, here’s Space with “Mulder and Scully”.

Rae feined looking cross at Finn by frowning at him.

“So Nelson I’m sticking with Space but like Cerys Matthews I am so not “throwing my knickers at you” and I “still want to cut off your nuts” yep It’s “The ballad of Tom Jones”.

Finn leapt off his chair in mock indignation and used his pile of papers on which his show notes were scribbled to hit Rae on the head. Rae batted him back with a record of all things.

“Earl “You oughta know better”…And I apologise in advance for comprising the musical integrity of the show by playing Alanis Morissette but Earl, now you’ve ripped me nuts off, I don’t think I’ll want to “Go down on you in a theatre”.

Rae’s mouth opened in shock. He’d well and truly got her with that one. She scooted over to him and hit him on the leg. Harder than she intended as he swore loudly and then tried to tickle her but she scooted off to seek her next track.

“Nelson you’ve gone too far this time…. you are “a firestarter a wicked firestarter”…. it’s the Prodigy.”

Finn scooted over to Rae and traced on her thigh. MAINSTREAM SHIT MY DEAR which caused Rae to pick up a record and bop him on the head with it, only she broke it. Finn leapt out of his chair and started teasing and tickling her “Oi you think you can break me vinyl, do ya, do ya?”

“Whilst we on the theme of Fire - here’s a song originally called “Fire” by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown - for Earl who was crazy enough to break my Inspiral Carpets LP”.

Finn leapt up and continued to tickle and tease Rae and she was hitting him with his papers which were scattered all over the floor.

Her laughing voice came on air with “Same vintage Nelson but this is Julie Driscoll, Brian Auger and the Trinity with “Wheels on Fire” but for you …that should be “Crazy wheels on fire”… Finn was still fooling around and his words “Oi you cheeky” could clearly be heard by the audience.

Finn and Rae were now having great fun play fighting with pieces of paper, Rae lobbed the tissue box at Finn and he flicked a pen at her. He put the next record on the turntable and just as he was starting to speak, Rae put her arms around his waist and tickled him and he burst into laughter “Seriously Earl, to finish we need the Roses. This track is them back at their best … Love Spreads “ at this point with the music starting to play he playfully smacked Rae on the bottom but he hadn’t muted the studio so they audience were treated to Rae’s scream and  “you utter prick, I am so getting you back for that” before Finn remembered to flip the switch.

Finn and Rae were running around with her throwing everything at him and he was ducking behind the chairs and trying to catch her. Finn finally caught hold of Rae and started tickling her walking her back into the perspex where he slipped on a piece of paper and ended up headbutting her boobs. As he stood up he pressed her hard into the perspex “You really are a minx Earl” he whispered in her ear and before he knew it was kissing her hard and she was returning the kiss.

They only stopped because Steve banged on the perspex. Rae blushed and Finn smiled. Steve mouthed at them “TIDY UP”. Finn and Rae quickly tidied up. Rae noticed Finn spent ages fiddling around with his coat before he was ready to leave. She had a fair idea why and she had a plan.

Unfortunately Rae needed the loo. It had been happening a lot recently probably because she’d been drinking a lot. She nipped into the disabled toilet as she couldn’t’ be bothered to walk upstairs. Finn went outside for a smoke. Having used the loo, she suddenly felt a bit faint and sat down on the loo. The feeling passed after a while and she decided to start with her plan and adjusted her clothing by wriggling her white vest down a bit and opening a few poppers on her shirt.

She was stopped by a knock on the door “Rae, you in there?”

“ER Finn this is a toilet bog off”.

“Ha ha, you sure you’re ok”

“Er yea, yeah… just give me a minute just doing my hair”

“Your hair?”Finn frowned he was stood right by the door.

As Rae opened the door, Finn practically fell into her, tripping over one of his own feet. As he steadied himself on her arm and pulled himself upright he was met with the sight of her cleavage spilling out of her bra and over the top of her vest. He swallowed “Er Rae,” he said walking her back into the toilet…

“Finn?” she said with a frown on her face.

Finn realised he was probably looking like a blithering idiot right now. His eyes were glued to her breasts and he had to swallow again. He shut the door behind them with his foot.

“What is the problem Finn?”

“These are Rae” he said gesturing at her breasts. He was sure they were spilling further out of her bra cups than usual and for some reason he was mesmerised.

“Finn are you trying to tell me you’re obsessed with my boobs.”

“Not just your boobs Rae…. All of you….. you’ve been driving me mad today.”

“You’re the dickhead that started it Finn”.

“Nah you’re the dickhead teasing me” he said bopping her on the nose  “and launching your boobs in my face..”

“No Finn, you’re the clumsy idiot who fell into my boobs” she said adjusting them again.

Finn suddenly pulled her fast to him and started kissing her with an urgency that surprised her.

“Finn”

He growled and kissed her harder. She could feel him hardening against her. She pulled back.

“Finn if you hadn’t noticed we are in a disabled toilet”.

“Aye we are… and?” He said raising his eyebrows at hers and running his tongue between his lips and then finishing by biting his lip.

“No Finn. No bloody way.” Rae said and seeing the slight drop in his face she added  “Not today least ways”. Finn chuckled, taking her hand and walking her out the door and was heading towards the front door of No Crap FM. To the tell truth he was horny as hell and therefore a touch disappointed but even he knew a disabled toilet was hardly classy. He wondered if he could ever get her that worked up that she’d go for it.

They walked round the corridor to the front off the building when Rae suddenly stopped and changed direction taking them up the stairs

Finn frowned “What ya doin girl?”

Rae smirked at him and raised her eyebrows. Finn followed her up the stairs. She stopped outside Steve’s office and then her eyes widened “Shit” she whispered, Finn looked through the narrow strip of glass in the door and saw Steve was in there talking to Dave.

Finn suddenly pulled Rae past Steve’s office and along the upstairs corridor to a tiny room two doors down. It was filled with shelves and crates and crates of vinyl.

As soon as the door had shut Finn had pushed Rae back against the door with his body. He had one hand placed on either side of her head and  he leant in to kiss her. His kiss started with a small bite on one end of her lips and then he pulled her bottom lip between his. Then he ran his tongue between her lips. Rae started to speak and Finn simply kissed her again taking her breath away his arms still pressed against the wall.

He pulled back and looked at her in the eyes, biting his lip and raising his eyebrows to seek her consent. She grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward. There was something about seeing those muscular arms right next to her face, something about this possessive stance that turned her on. Finn stopped kissing her momentarily to throw off his coat to free his arms a bit more. His hands roamed her body.

His fingers traced patterns on her silky skin above her vest and without warning he simply pulled it down exposing her breasts spilling out of her bra. He dropped the bra straps over her shoulders and took a nipple in his mouth which made her groan. He stopped to put a finger to his lips and smirked at the way she was already flushed and breathless knowing full way he was about to make that a lot worse. He reached up under her dress and ripped her tights, pushed her knickers aside and used one hand to caress her. He’d placed his other hand back against the door next to her head and started kissing her with a furious urgency.

She was biting on his lip now to stop herself from making too much noise and that was driving him wild. He removed his hand from Raes knickers and undid the belt of his jeans and unbuttoned his fly - releasing his hard cock which he proceeded to rub between her legs. Rae was really enjoying this and was wondering when they would end up on the floor when she suddenly felt finn lift her left leg up and slowly penetrate her. She gasped loudly. Finn snaked his hips to start up a rhythm, he knew he could not go too fast like this otherwise he would slip out, so his thrusts were slow deep and deliberate. It didn’t take long before Rae was starting to tense around him and he knew she wanted to scream so he growled “Bite my shoulder”.

Rae did as she was told biting his shoulder hard as she clenched in strong waves around him. As she had found before, this only served to spur him on into pushing deeper. His thrusts were very powerful now, the door was rattling with each one, he could feel himself getting very close and the fire was starting to spread. He almost slammed his body fully into her a few times, causing the door to bang in a loud rhythm as she started to clench around him again and he could feel her teeth now on his shoulder. This inconceivable mix of pain and pleasure pushed him to coming undone with two final thrusts that made the door bang so hard, Rae was surprised they didn’t fall through it.

After they had got their breath back and adjusted their clothing Rae looked around her.

“Finn what the hell is this place? I thought all the vinyl was stored next door. I thought this was a flippin’ broom cupboard or something.”

“

“It’s Steve’s personal vinyl store. It’s where I borrow all the rare stuff from that I haven’t got “ he said with a smirk.

“OH I see and I guess you hadn’t thought to tell me about it before now”.

Finn raised his eyebrows “It’s a long story for another day” and he took her hand and they snuck downstairs and out of No Crap FM into the cold dark night.

*******************************************

Rae had stayed Saturday night with Finn. He’d collected her from the Cafe on Sunday and they’d gone to her flat and picked up some clothes. Rae felt bad that she was deserting Chloe a bit but they couldn’t really stay in her tiny single room.

Rae had a glorious start to the week having woken up in Finn’s bed. He’d got back quite late from the radio station but she’d spent the evening with Chop and Izzy and Chloe had come round for a pizza. Monday had gone well too and she’d again slept at Finn’s. Chop and Izzy made her very welcome and Izzy had even left her some supper to heat up when she got in from her shift at the cafe.

Finn sacked off his shift at the record shop on Tuesday and came to the hospital with her. They’d got there early and spent an hour helping decorate the children’s play area for Christmas. Rae smiled to herself as she saw how Finn patiently put up the decorations the children chose from a big box. While she had done her slot as DJ on hospital radio, Finn had sat outside sketching cartoon pictures for the children that had queued out of the door.

Rae watched Finn with interest, he didn’t say much to the children but his body language was relaxed. He concentrated hard whilst sketching and kept chewing the pencil which he stored above his ear when not in use.

On the way home they visited Finn’s nan’s grave and he laid some flowers there. Rae  noticed that he’d been struggling while they were there and she’d drawn him into a hug. They sat down on a bench and he lit a cigarette and opened up a bit about his life with his nan. She’d not pushed him, it wasn’t the right time and it had been cold outside. Whilst Rae had to admit the way the frost lingered on, painting the trees and shrubs and paths with a beautiful iridescent shine was beautiful, it was bloody freezing and she was glad to make it to the cafe.

She’d made Finn a cup of tea, strong and with sugar, of course, and he’d left after an hour to go off to work, after kissing her and promising her they would see each other tomorrow. As she walked back to her flat she couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She had a good group of friends, a great job at No Crap FM, which she hoped would bring her further opportunities in due course. She loved DJ’ing at the Dolly, her confidence was increasing all the time. She felt she no longer had to try and hide herself because people liked her for who she really was.  She was also dating the fittest man around, who was also a genuine and caring person, and she had to admit he had decent taste in music. Christmas was coming and that meant fun and parties.

**********************************************

Rae opened the door to the flat and found Chloe lying on the bathroom floor. She looked awful she was pale and clammy and kept being sick.  Rae did everything she could think of for Chloe, she got her a glass of water, changed her sheets as Chloe had been sick in the bed and tidied up the flat. Rae was feeling a bit queasy herself but realised that was probably because the smell of vomit always made you feel nauseous.

Chloe hated being ill. “Rae this is horrible my stomach is on fire. It’s so not fair, I really wanted to go to the Dolly with you tonight.”

Shit Rae had forgotten that she should be DJ’ing at the Dolly that evening.  She really didn’t want to leave Chloe even though Chloe protested she would be fine, so Rae rang Rich on his mobile. When Rich heard that Rae wanted to stay at home because Chloe was ill, he volunteered to swap places with Rae. Rae had pointed out that it would be a very silly idea as he would probably get the bug too and she’d already been exposed, Rich hadn’t been too fussed but he’d been happy to give Rae the night off and was going to DJ himself. Rae thought he must really like Chloe to be this relaxed about things. She was so going to have keep working at those two. They really would make a good couple.

Chloe was feeling slightly better so she sat on the sofa and Rae brought a bucket for her.

“You not off to the Dolly Rae?”

“Nah Rich gave me the night off?”

“Yeah right Rae.”

“No really - he’s going to DJ himself tonight. I practically had to stop him coming round here to look after you himself. I think he’s a touch soft for you.”

“Ha ha Rae. No way is Rich into me, I’m too urm “mainstream” for him” she giggled.

“Humm I think he is, really and Chlo you’ve got to admit he’s pretty hot.”

Chloe smiled and then groaned. “Arghhh my stomach” and she started to sniffle.

“Ok Chloe, one time only story because I hate this one but do you remember when we were at primary school and you were feeling ill and were waiting for your mum to pick you up from the school office?”

Chloe nodded.

“And I wondered where you’d got to so I snuck out of class and found you. And then you were sick all over me.”

Chloe laughed “Yeah, that was pretty gross”.

“You’re telling me Chloe. You got better pretty quickly but I was sick for two days after that and missed the school trip”.

“Oh God Rae I’d totally forgotten that bit.Thanks for trying to cheer me up!”

“Right then Chlo what shall we watch? I fancy Spooks.”

Chloe nodded and the girls spent a night watching TV.

****************************************************************************

Chloe was feeling much better in the morning but couldn’t face eating anything. Rae went to work at the library , she had taken the time to wash her hands extra carefully that morning before she left the house and decided she should probably call in and not work in the cafe until she was sure that she wasn’t going to get a sick bug. However, that probably meant she could spend more time with FInn which would be great. She felt greedy for wanting to spend more time with him as they had already had a good week by their standards.

She went home at the end of her shift and Chloe was sat on the sofa eating toast.

“Feeling better Chlo?”

“Yeah I think it’s one of those 24 hour things. Thank god it’s gone now. I really hate being sick. What you doing home - I thought you’d be at the cafe?”

“Well I am sort of skiving, sort of being careful, you know in case I get a bug?”

Chloe rolled her eyes at Rae “You mean you’ve found an excuse to spend more time with Finn!”

Rae blushed.

“Well go and call him then, he probably thinks you’re working.”

Rae was nervous about calling Finn. They’d hardly ever called each other because even if they had wanted to, the other one was likely to be out working. Neither of them could afford a mobile. For some reason Rae was nervous about calling Finn. When she saw him, things seemed so natural and so good. The whole idea of calling him, made her feel like she was 18 again and calling a boy who would then go on an reject her.

After three attempts at dialling the number for Finn’s flat, Rae finally got it right. Chop answered the phone:

“Good evening this is the house of spew and vomit, how may I help you?”

“Chop you knobhead it’s Rae.”

“How ya doing Raemundo, I take it your not chucking your guts up like my Izz and your boyfriend here.”

“Oh… oh god Chop, Chloe’s been ill as well.”

“Well its just you and me left baby girl .Izz thinks its one of those vomiting bugs.”

“Chlo’s feeling much better today if that’s any consolation Chop - Izz should be feeling better tomorrow”.

“Thanks Rae. Do you want to speak to Finn - that is if he hasn’t got his head in bucket. He’s so fucking grumpy. Bloody hard with both of them being sick.”.

“I probably shouldn’t disturb him - just let him know I called.”

“Any special message?”

“Nah you’re alright Chop. “

************************************************

On Thursday Rae decided she was safe to go to work in the cafe. Chloe went back to work. She decided she would phone Finn later as he’d probably want to sleep in if he was ill. She was secretly hoping that he would call her as she really didn’t want to look too desperate if she had to speak to Chop again. Rae told herself not to be silly, that these were old fears resurfacing and Finn was her boyfriend and he’d want to to speak to her. She also knew Chop was really supportive of her relationship with Finn. She started to get cross with herself for being silly.

Her shift at the cafe went well, it was pleasantly busy as opposed to being either boringly quiet,  which would make the time pass very slowly, or stupidly busy, which would be both stressful and exhausting.

When she got home, Rae changed ready for her night DJing at the Dolly. She put on a flannel shirt dress and leggings with her DM boots. She hesitated so many times about calling Finn, that in the end she ran out of time and she had to run to get to the Dolly on time having managed half a pot noodle and a piece of toast for supper. Her set went well and she and Rich shared a couple of beers. She ribbed Rich a bit about his DJ’ing and she’d raised her eyebrows and smirked at him when he’d asked after Chloe. She loved chatting to Rich and it made her forget her earlier worries about calling Finn.

Rae got home late and then berated herself for being an idiot for not having called Finn earlier. It was now 2am and there was no way she could call because even if he was awake, Chop and Izzy would almost certainly be asleep. She sighed, she was feeling terribly terribly tired again and the room was moving slightly. Fuck these dizzy spells she thought, I’m going to bed right now.

Rae woke up on Friday and wandered out to the living room.

“Bloody hell Rae, what happened to your face?” asked Chloe

Rae ran into the bathroom and then laughed “Last night’s make up”.

Rae went off to work at the cafe as usual for a Friday. She had pretty terrible shift all things considered. First of all it had been stupidly busy, there had been virtually no let up all day. And then there had been the complainers - the tea’s too strong, coffee’s too hot, wrong type of tomato in the sandwich. Rae knew that sometimes things didn’t go well and most things could be fixed by a smile and a new cup of tea or whatever. But today one of the customers had been a serial complainer about her food, her drink, wanting a different table etc etc. It was hard enough to deal with but Rae had been feeling really dizzy, faint even. She knew she should have eaten breakfast but she didn’t feel like it. When it came to lunch she’d been too busy and she hadn’t even made herself a sneaky slice of toast or nabbed a doughnut like she normally would when she was busy.

She collapsed in a heap when she got home on the sofa. She’d hardly been sat down for five minutes when the phone rang. She sighed and got up and picked up the phone.

“R, Rae” Finn stuttered.

“Oh Finn it’s you.”

“Yup its me…. who did you think it was going to be?”

“Er no-one. “ she sighed “Oh sorry Finn, it’s just I had an awful day at work and I’m shattered. You feeling any better?”

“Yeah. Chop told me you called. I would have called you back but I was still puking yesterday. I fucking hate being sick. It’s bollock awful. Chop’s got it now, he’s been hogging the bathroom all day”.

Finn listened to the silence on the other end of the phone. He didn’t know whether he’d said something wrong and then wondered for a second if she’d hung up on him as he hadn’t called her.

“Rae, Rae…. Rae you there?”

“Mm yeah Finn.”

“You ok Rae you sound a bit you know funny. You sure you’re not coming down with something I mean?”

“Nah this flat is currently a spew free zone, I just feel a bit dizzy that’s all.”

“Rae should I come over?”

“Don’t be daft Finn, I assume you’re DJ’ing tonight. I’ve just not eaten much today - it’s been so busy.”

“You need to eat Rae. Tell you what girl, I’ll call in sick and come over and cook you something”.

“Don’t be a daft prick Finn. I’m fine. Chlo will be home soon and we’ll have supper together.”

“Alright then girl. You know…. I …erm … can’t wait to see you tomorrow”

“Yeah”.

“I best be off then girl, sleep well”

“Yeah have a good one Finn.”

Rae put the phone down “Have a good one?” Why the fuck had she said that and not, I can’t wait to see you as well, I miss you or hope you sleep well too? Fuck.

*************************************************

Rae woke up on Saturday morning feeling rough. She made it to work and started her shift. She felt really odd. She kept having to sit down. The owner sent her home late morning as she was white as a sheet.

Rae was relieved to have got home. She hadn’t been home long before she started being sick. Urghhh, she hated being sick. She was so tired too. By mid afternoon she was dry retching. Rae thought this was possibly worse than being sick. By the time Chloe got home, she realised there was no way she was going to make it to No Crap FM and called Steve. She wasn’t going to call Finn but Chloe told her not be so sily as Finn would feel like a right spare part if Steve was the one to tell him his girlfriend was ill.

Finn had picked up the phone “Yello, Chopper’s residence?”

“It’s Rae.” she said quietly

“To what do I owe this pleasure then girl, I’ll be seeing you in a couple of hours”.

“Sorry Finn you won’t. I’ve got the frickin’ vomit bug. I feel like utter dog shite”.

“Oh shit Rae. Let me come round and look after you. I’m not completely useless as a nurse as Chopper will testify”

“No Finn I don’t’ want you getting ill.”

“I’ve already had the bug you dickhead. “

“No Finn. You need to work, we can’t both leave Steve in the shit. I’ll be fine.”

“Please Rae I’m worried about ya.”

“Finn I’ll be fine. No doubt by tomorrow afternoon, it’ll have worn off.”

“So can I come round then?”

Rae groaned “I suppose. This is a rank bug”

“Oh Rae I’m sorry you’re ill. The audience is going to miss you bigtime tonight and so’s Steve. But nowhere near as much as I’m going to miss you and you’re backchat and inferior music knowledge of course.”

“Ha fucking Ha Finn. You’ll be fantastic on your own. You’re a born DJ. Have a good one Nelson.”

“Hope you feel better soon Rae, you know I love ya”.

Finn was hoping she’d say something else to him but she’d just put the phone down. He wondered if he was reading too much into it but “Have a good one” sounded like something you’d say to a mate and it was the second time she’d said it to him in 24 hours. Then he remembered she was ill. He’d try and do his best tonight and cheer her up. He hoped she’d be listening to at least the the first part of the show.

  
“So people, I’m sad to say Miss Earl will not be joining me tonight. She’s ill , proper ill that is and not skiving… so this is a bit of a loud one for you all and for you too Earl, and I know you’ll rib me to death but its’ Motley Crue and “Kickstart my heart”,  Finn started singing along with the song for a minute. He really hoped Rae was alright, something had been bugging him about her but he couldn’t put his finger on it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - self harm mentions and some smut.

Rae had a torrid weekend. She had been so sick, she thought it would never stop, it carried on right the way through to Monday. Even then, she couldn’t cope with the smell of many foods, they just brought the nausea back. Finn had called twice but she’d not spoken to him as she was being sick the first time he’d called and spoken to Chloe and was asleep the second time he’d called.She couldn’t face going to work on Monday and so stayed in bed.

Finn was getting increasingly worried about Rae. He knew she was ill but he started to wonder if she was trying to avoid talking to him. He came home after his shift in the record shop on Monday in a foul mood and threw his bag on the floor and started rolling a cigarette. he then rolled another and another.

“Hey Finn what’s up? “ asked Izzy.

“Nothing. I’m fine why shouldn’t I be?”

“Finn I was just asking”

“Well don’t” and with that he walked out onto the balcony and slammed the door. He sat on the upturned crate and smoked a cigarette and wracked his brains as to what he’d done wrong with Rae.

Chop sauntered into the living room and saw Izzy looking upset drinking a glass of wine.

“Hey Izz” he kissed her on the cheek. “What’s up?”

“It’s Finn” she gestured towards the balcony where Chop could see Finn swigging from a can of Carlsberg and smoking.

“What’s the grumpy git up to this time? “

“I don’t know Chop but he’s been really short with me when I asked about Rae and he’s been out there for half an hour chain smoking.”

“For fuck’s sake.” Chop stormed out through the balcony doors and shut them behind them.

“Finn, clearly something’s got under your skin but you’re out of order being rude to Izz. You’re made her cry you utter prick.”

Finn looked up tears in his eyes. He wiped them away bringing the finger and thumb of his left hand together over his eyes. “Shit, I didn’t mean to make Izzy cry. I’m such a twat - I’ll go and apologise.”

“Yeah you will but first you can tell me what on earth this is all about”.

Finn shook his head. This was his problem.

“Finn we’re not going back to grumpy Finn again. I’ll sit out here and freeze my bollocks off if needs be. “ Chop looked at him and started “It’s about Rae right?”

Finn nodded.

“You’re going to have to give me more than Nelson. I’ve known you long enough to know you don’t say much but I am not capital fucking mind reader”.

Finn smiled at this. “I think she’s avoiding me Chop. Something’s not quite right.”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

Finn grimaced “She won’t take me calls Chop and when we last spoke, she was a bit off, you know funny with me”.

Chop frowned that didn’t sound like Rae. “She’s probably hormonal Finn, you know what Izz is like just before she comes on.”

Finn nodded.

“Look I’ll get Izz to talk to her and let’s just forget this conversation  ever happened, right son?”

“Right daddy Chop.”

**************************************************

Rae went to work at the cafe as usual on Tuesday she was still really tired and she had to sit down twice because she felt dizzy. She definitely needed to eat she realised.  In the end she had to phone Rich and tell him she was feeling too rough to do her slot at the Dolly. Rich wasn’t surprised, it was bound to take Rae longer to get over a bug than the others, due to her full-on  work schedule.

In the end Chloe and Izzy went down to the Dolly and spent the night drinking and dancing with Rich who supplied them with free drinks all night.

On Wednesday night, Chloe took another call from Finn and Rae shook her head indicating she wasn’t there.

When Chloe had put the phone down she came and sat down next to Rae.

“Rae, I don’t get it why the hell are you avoiding Finn?”

“I’m not avoiding him. I just don’t feel well.”

“You could talk to him on the phone. This is silly.”

“Yeah well I don’t think … I don’t  know Chloe”.

“Actually Rae this isn’t good enough. Izz mentioned last night that Finn’s been really upset about you mugging him off all week. He’s been so worried about you. I really have no idea what he’s supposed to have done but he hasn’t got a clue. He’s a decent man Rae, don’t treat him like this, tell him what’s wrong for god’s sake. You know if you don’t, he’s not going to keep hanging around for ever.”

Rae started to cry.

“What is it Rae?”

“I don’t know Chlo. I just feel really odd. I don’t know why. I don’t want to lose him, I love him”.

Chloe hugged Rae as the tears were falling. “Right Rae, if you’re up for DJ’ing on Thursday, I think you should ask Finn to come to the Dolly.”

“He’s working Chlo”

“Come on, he’ll have the night off if you just ask him Rae. He’s crazy about you.”

Rae nodded.

“Rich reckons Thursday’s going to be a massive night.

Rae raised her eyebrows at Chloe.

“He’s had a few calls this week, checking if you were playing and asking about capacity and opening times. You know more than normal.”

“When exactly did you discuss this with him Chlo?”

“Last night of course. Izz and I went partying in the Dolly and Rich drove us home.”

“Rich drove you home” Rae snorted and muttered “he must have it bad.”

“What did you just say Rae?”

“Nothing” Rae tried to pull an innocent face and realised that it wasn’t going to work. “Alright Chlo while we’re on the subject of decent men, you’re blind if you haven’t realised there’s one after you right now.”

“What? Rich doesn’t fancy me Rae. I’ve said it before, I am so not his type. Lola, the pierced redhead is so his type. She’s all over him, I’ve seen her Rae.”

“Really Chloe? You’re normally so good at this stuff. She’d do anything to get in to bed with him -you’re right there but he’s never been there. Trust me he’s got it bad for you. If he drove you home that means he won’t have been drinking and he always like to drink if he’s DJ’ing. Fucking unheard of for him to DJ without shots. I really wish you’d give him a chance Chlo, he’s been like a brother to me, he’s always looked after me. I know he’s got a reputation but he’s always been amazing to me. You never Chlo, you might really like him, especially if you saw his body.”

Chloe giggled. “I am not that shallow am I?”

Rae laughed “Probably not but trust me he’s got a body to die for. Maybe not as good as Finn’s in my eyes but…”

“Alright. Lecture over. So tomorrow night - are we going to go for it then?”

Rae nodded and Chloe shrieked.

*****************************************************

Finn was feeling much happier on Thursday because she’d called him on Wednesday night and  the turmoil inside him had quietened back down to a nagging feeling. He couldn’t wait to see her. He spent the morning in a bit of a daze, he’d been a bit surprised when a customer had asked if he was going to be DJ’ing that night and he’d replied he was going to be in the Dolly. He was in such a good mood he didn’t give it a second thought when  normally he would have been deliberately vague as he liked to keep himself to himself.

Finn finished early and went home to make a special effort for Rae, he had a shower but he didn’t shave as he didn’t want to look like he was trying too hard.  He put on a clean pair of pants, clean jeans and his favourite red checked lumberjack shirt. He was about to leave the house when he decided to run back to him room and try a bit of aftershave that Izzy had given him last year for Christmas.

Rae and Chloe had spent ages getting Rae. Rae was still not feeling 100% but she was pulled along by Chloe’s enthusiasm and ended up wearing a short-ish grey blue rather low cut dress that buttoned up with short floaty sleeves.. She teamed it with black leggings that had silver thread that ran through them. Chloe had done a decent job on her make-up, she admit to admit she didn’t scrub up too badly. Rae looked at Chloe, Rich was not going to know what hit him she thought. Chloe had gone for something Rae would never have thought Chloe would have chosen for herself - a pair of short burgundy cord shorts with black sparkly tights, teemed with a white vest top and an unusual cropped cardigan. Definitely way more grungy than she’d ever seen Chloe.

The two girls arrived early at the club to be greeted by a grinning Rich. “Christ you both look really hot tonight….. and this joint is going to be smokin’” he said with a cheesy grin. “I’ve had another call not half an hour ago checking you were playing Rae. You might just be getting a fanclub” he joked.

Rae thought this was rather odd. She had played on Tuesday and Thursday night in the Dolly for over a year and she couldn’t believe anyone who was really into their music would not know she was there.

Rae took her records over to the DJ box and got everything ready. The bar staff were all there already. Rae put on a mixtape in the background as everyone was getting into the groove. Rae was going to be playing until 1am when one of the youngsters would take over. She was still fiddling about looking at her set list when she heard a wolf whistle coming from the bar to see what the commotion was about, then her heart nearly stopped. It seemed that Lola had been whistling at someone and that someone was Finn.

She saw him saunter in with his arm around Archie, the two had obviously had a couple of beers before they came in and Finn was smoking and Archie was ruffling his hair. Finn had a few days stubble growth darkening his face and she had to admit he looked very hot.

Finn didn’t stop at the bar, he walked  straight over to the DJ booth and she noticed how his body language became tense and not so self assured. He stood there biting his lip and looking shyly at her through his lashes. She felt a familiar tingle between her legs. How on earth could someone be that hot and more to the point why on earth did someone who looked like that fancy her.  Rae sighed and walked over trying to play it cool.

Who was she trying to kid? Rae nearly tripped over, fuck these dizzy spells she thought. She grabbed his arm and tried to steady herself.

“You alright girl?” He said, genuine concern in his eyes.

She nodded and bit her lip, feeling his strong arms close around her and his breath in her ear as he whispered “Fucking missed you” and he placed a single kiss on her neck. She felt his stubble against her skin and gasped slightly and whispered back “I might have missed you too Nelson”.

He pulled back and looked at her and bit his lip gently, not sure whether this was the right thing to do and moved in cupping her cheek with his hand and leaned in and kissed her on the mouth. She was suddenly kissing him back and slipping her tongue into his mouth. He groaned into the kiss.

He was stopped by a strong hand on his back “You two - my office” said Rich grinning and chucking  Finn the keys. Finn frowned at Rae and she shrugged. They walked off to Rich’s office at the back of the club and let themselves in.

Finn sat down on the leather sofa and Rae sat next to him. It wasn’t long before he was kissing her again. Rae couldn’t resist him. He kept pulling back and looking in her eyes to check she was ok and then started kissing her again. Finn got braver, realising the reason Rae was flushed and breathless was him so he pushed his doubts to the back of his mind and slowly unbuttoned the front of her dress placing a kiss near each button he had undone. Rae groaned loudly as he gently bit on one of her nipples, they were even more sensitive than normal and he was driving her crazy. He pushed her back to a lying position and holding himself above her on his arms he started grinding his pelvis into hers.

She groaned and bit him on the lip “Finn, please”.

He pulled back and raised his eyebrows in question. He knew this was risky, anyone could walk in at anytime. “Finn” she moaned sliding her own hand down between their bodies and he knew she meant it.

He ripped his belt open and yanked down his jeans and boxers and quickly pulled a condom on. Rae had pulled her leggings and knickers down. He licked his way up her inner legs and as he started to lick her, he felt her tug his hair. “Finn” she said with wide eyes “I’m more than ready”. He didn’t need to be told twice and slipped into her with alarming speed. He meant to take it slowly as deep down something niggled in his mind but when he heard her groaning, he quickly assumed a punishing rhythm with his hips.

Rae couldn’t believe this was happening. This god of a man was fucking her as if nothing else mattered right then. She forgot where she was and really started to make some noise. Suddenly he growled “Bite me Rae” and that tipped her so far over the edge that she came with her whole body tensing and releasing in waves. Finn quickly followed her. Neither of them could believe it was over so quickly. They dressed quickly, almost in embarrassment for getting so overcome with each other that they couldn’t help themselves.

Rae stood up and suddenly grabbed Finn’s arm. “Shit”

“You ok?”

“Yeah - just stood up too quickly”. Rae silently cursed these dizzy moments. She thought about saying something to Finn when the door opened slowly and Rich’s head poked around the corner.

“You ready to play Rae?”

Rae blushed and hid behind Finn, she realised Rich knew exactly what was going to happen when they went into his office. Finn turned round and hugged her “Knock them dead girl”.

***********************************************************

When Alice arrived the club was rather full. She had to play things right tonight and it all depended on timing and her special visitor actually turning up. She’d dressed for the occasion black velvet hot pants, long black over the knee boots and a black silk vest with no bra. She’d done her homework and thought this was what Finn really liked.

She stayed around at the back of the dance floor and watched Finn as he ordered a pint from the bar and hung out with Archie. Finn was lighting a cigarette now, blowing the smoke out through his lips in that sultry way he always did. She couldn’t believe she’d let him get away from her. Hopefully tonight was the time to redress that.

**********************************************************

Finn was chatting to Archie when he pointed out Chloe who was dancing with Rich.

“They’d make such a good couple” said Archie.

“Yeah Rae thinks so. He’s absolutely sound”.

Rae’s set was epic and she had the whole floor dancing. Finn was standing there staring at her a wry smile on his face.

“What’s up Nelson? You going to stare at her all night.”

Finn shrugged “Yeah probably. I fucking love her, Archie.”

“There’s a but there Finn. I know you well enough, come on spit it out.”

Finn shook his head and Archie gave him that the look - the one that said, come on Nelson, I know you too well.

Finn started to stutter. “I think, I don’t Archie. This is going to sound really daft but something’s not quite right with Rae but I don’t know what. It was like she didn’t want to know me earlier this week. I knew she wasn’t feeling well but … oh I dunno.”

Archie put his arm round Finn’s shoulders. “Just keep talking to her Finn. She’s a lovely girl and I am sure whatever it is, she’ll tell you when she’s ready. But she may not even know what it is yet mate. Dan gets like that sometimes, he’s all tetchy and it’s work or something.”

Rae’s set came to a close and a young lad took over. Rae made her way over to Finn and he put an arm round her. “Drink girl?” She shook her head. Finn noticed how pale she was.

Suddenly they all became aware of a large influx of people who seemed to be coming towards them. There was a bit of pushing and shoving. Finn suddenly saw who was coming towards him, he couldn’t believe this, fucking hell it was only Pete Tong. Finn just stood there staring.

Rae couldn’t believe it either - what the fuck was Pete Tong doing in the Dolly?  And then she saw Alice. Oh fuck. Rae was completely rooted to the spot.

When Finn saw Alice, Pete Tong kind of made sense in his muddled up mind.

“Hey Finn baby, look who I’ve brought to meet you” Alice said flinging her arms around him.

Pete put out his hand to Finn. “Heard your set when you were down in London last. It was clever and a bit out there but it was fucking sound”.

“Er thanks. “

“So Alice tells me you’re thinking of working in London?”

Finn nodded “Yeah maybe, you know when the right thing comes along.”

“We should talk. “

“Do you want a beer?” Fuck Finn that sounded lame. Pete nodded at him.

Suddenly they were all blinded by the light of flashbulbs. Alice flung herself between Finn and Pete and Rae was left rooted to the spot on Finn’s left.

It seemed like the whole club turned and looked at them and was surging forward to see what was happening. There was a lot of jostling and pushing as the bulbs continued to flash, suddenly Rich was shouting and and a whole load of bouncers came flooding forward to remove the photographers. There was one particularly persistent one who was really fighting with Rich and it took all of Rich’s strength to get him out and he ended up with a torn shirt.

As Rich returned he tried to settle things down.

Finn was in shock. Rae ran off in the direction of the ladies. He ran after her.

Rich took Pete and Alice through to his office along with Lola.

“I am so sorry about that, don’t want you to get mobbed out there. Not used to people of your calibre round here. Really sorry security wasn’t on the ball enough. This is Lola, she’ll look after you and get your some beers and I’ll go and round up Nelson.”

Finn was knocking on the door of the ladies, “Rae, Rae you ok?”

“Rae please talk to me, please.” He could hear her being sick and he put his head in hands, this was a complete nightmare.

As Rae came out she looked at Finn, hurt in her eyes. “Sorry Finn, think I’m not over this bug after all.”

“Let me take you home then girl” he reached out to put a hand on her arm and she shrunk back.

“Oh there you are Nelson, Pete’s in my office - come and talk to him - it’s you he’s come to see.”

“Rich, Rae’s feeling ill, I think I need to get her home.” He said frowning.

“No Finn, you’re alright. This is Pete Fucking Tong we’re talking here.I’ll be fine.”

“Rae, please let me.” She shook her head.

“Look it’s fine Finn, I’ll get her a cab, shit I need to find Chloe” said Rich - he pulled Finn back to his office, deposited Finn through the door, ran off found  Archie and told him to take care of Rae. He just needed to find Chloe now.

Rich finally found Chloe on one of the sofas looking a bit dishevelled.

“Shit Chlo, come here”.

He wrapped his arms around her.

“Sorry I am being pathetic, is Rae ok?”

“You’re not being pathetic - we can talk about that later but you need to know Rae’s ill and she’s gone home.”

“With or without Finn?”

“Without - but not without protest on his part. He’s in my office right now with Pete Tong and Alice”.

“Shit we need to get in there Rich - she’s going to eat him alive.”

“Really, there’s not much of her”.

“We can talk about it later Rich”. Chloe stood up and dried her eyes. He was surprised as she grabbed his hand “Come on you” and pulled him towards the office.

Rich was horrified to open the door and find Finn stuttering badly, he looked nervous as hell and Alice was draped over him. He did not like this.

He was shocked when Chloe dragged Alice out shrieking “Oh My god you’re Alice Trevellian, please please show me how you do your make-up I’ve always wanted to know.”  That wasn’t Chloe’s usual voice.

Rich sat down and his very presence and the absence of Alice served to calm Finn down. Pete asked him about his mixing technique, they discussed influences and Rich opened his desk and poured out three whiskeys.

Finn started to relax after he’d downed his whiskey and happily started chatting about music. They discovered a shared love of Led Zeppelin and Massive Attack.

“You know your taste and style is broader and more eclectic than mine but you’re pretty unique and some of the mixes you’ve done have been pretty solid.”

Finn smiled “Thanks”.

“Look I’ve been wanting to come and see you since I heard you that night I heard you play in London.”

“You were in the club?”

“Yeah hiding out with friends. Much as people like to think I spend all my time at the Ministry of Sound, I do like a night off and to enjoy myself without being recognised.”

“Shit I am sorry about tonight.”

“Don’t worry, I think it was Alice they were after. Look if you don’t mind me saying, you look so much more comfortable without her here, I thought you two were together.”

Finn’s eyebrows raised in shock “Fuck I should have known,fuck”.

Rich butted in “Actually she’s his ex. I don’t think Finny boy was expecting to see her at all.”

“Oh I see. You should probably know she told me you two were together and after what I saw in the press, I never thought about it. Christ you’ve got yourself a bunny boiler there.”

“You’re telling me. She trashed most of me vinyl when I finished things with her.”

“Jesus what a cow. She came up to me in London that night and started chatting, she knew a couple of the people on my table so I didn’t think too much of it. I’d told her to shut up so I could listen to your set and she’d left me her number saying, she knew you. I should just have asked James for your contact details but I thought he’s probably going to try to sign you up. I’m sorry for my part in this.”

“Nah don’t worry, she’s a nightmare.”

“Yeah well anyone who deliberately destroys vinyl isn’t welcome in my life either.” Pete looked at his watch “I’ve got to get going but here’s my number, why don’t you come down to London and we can spend an afternoon playing in the studio?”

Finn thanked him and sat there in shock and confusion as Rich showed him out. Alice came out of the loos with Chloe who was virtually seething and headed towards Rich’s office.  “I don’t think so Alice” said Rich

“Piss off you prick my boyfriend’s going to be really angry when he finds out that you treated me like this and as for you” she turned round to Chloe “You are a dirty two faced bitch, I should have realised that you were friends with that horrid  fat slag given you hang around here”. She raised her hand to slap Chloe when Finn appeared from Rich’s office with a face like thunder.

Finn grabbed her by the wrist and started dragging her out of the club. “You get the fuck out of here Alice, stay the fuck out of my life. You are a complete total and utter bitch, I really don’t know why I never saw you for what you were before Alice.”

Alice started to hit Finn now. Rich saw how angry Finn was and pulled him back just in case.

“Please get out of my club now. I dont’ want to have to ask you again.” Rich said with real distaste in his tone.

Alice threw herself at Finn. “Finn please, I love you, I need you, I just wanted the best for you. I brought Pete here tonight because I know much it would mean to you”.

“No Alice, you were thinking about yourself and not me. We are finished and I never want to see you again. Never, do you understand me?”

“Finn” she was almost hysterical now “I can’t live without you Finn, remember that night at my flat?”

Finn’s head was in his hands now, why did she have to make it so bloody hard? He remembered that night only too well, she’d had to have her stomach pumped. Much as he hated her, he couldn’t be responsible for that. “Alice you need help.”

“I’ll only go if you go with me Finn.”

Finn sighed “Alice you can stay in a hotel tonight and I will come and get you tomorrow and take you where you need to go. But Alice, you’ve got to understand that this doesn’t mean anything other than one human being helping out another. It does not mean I have feelings for you and it absolutely does not mean I love you. I will only do this on the condition you understand I don’t love you now and that’s not going to change”. He sighed again.

“Alright Finn but can you come with me in the taxi to the hotel.”

“Jesus Alice, have you not heard a fucking word I’ve just said.”

“Finn, you know I hate being alone in the dark and I understand, I understand”.

Finn sighed and ran his hands through the back of his hair. He took Rich to one side and asked him to call a taxi. “I can’t believe she’s trying to pull this on me again. I can’t risk it Rich, last time I was lucky to get her to hospital on time. Dealing with this bad enough but I love Rae and what the hell she’s going to think? This is a nightmare” and with that a tear started to fall. Rich pulled him in close for a man hug and patted him on the back and whispered in his ear “If it’s any consolation I would have done the same, even though I know she’s a nympho stalker bitch.”

Finn sniggered slightly “Thanks”.

He reluctantly walked with Alice out to get the taxi.

******************************************

“What the fuck did you do calling them a cab and encouraging that psycho?” Chloe shouted.

“Chlo please calm down. She’s probably not right in the head. I think she’s be following him for a while and I think she needs help. Finn’s too good a man to risk letting her… you know.”

“But she’s vile.”

“Yes she’s vile, self conceited, a total complete narcissist but could you honestly let someone go if they threatened to ….. Chlo Finn told me last time she had to have her stomach pumped. I know what this is really about. It’s about Rae?”

The tears started to fall from Chloe’s eyes. “She’s not as strong as she looks. It’s not helped by the fact she’s ill. But she’s always had low confidence and how do you think she’s going to feel when she finds about this and what about those photos. She’s already started clamming up on Finn - blowing hot and cold but I don’t think even she knows why. We can’t allow her to get back there. I am frightened.”

Rich pulled her tight in against his chest. She was sobbing now. “Hush Chlo, hush sweetheart. “ He leant down and placed a kiss on her head. As she looked at him and ran her hand up his chest Chloe realised his shirt was torn.

“Rich are you ok? Your shirt is torn.”

“Shit I’d forgotten. Just a little scuffle with the pricks with cameras, par for the course in his job. Suppose I’d better change”

Chloe followed him back into his office. Rich pulled his shirt over his head and went diving into a bag, presumably looking for another one. As he turned around, t-shirt in hand, Chloe gasped, he was ripped, really ripped.

Rich smiled at her. “I can’t believe you’ve never seen a naked torso before.”

Chloe shook her head. “What then? Is there something wrong with it?”he asked.

Chloe shook her head and Rich knew it was time to lay it out there “So do you want to touch it or  something?”

Chloe nodded and walked forward and ran her hand over his muscled torso. As she looked at him he leant down and kissed her and she reciprocated. They stood there kissing for sometime before he pulled back “It’s getting cold the heating’s gone off.” He pulled his t-shirt on.

“Look, I suppose you’ll be wanting to get home and check on Rae?”

She smiled at him. “Right then let’s call you cab.”

“Rich, will you, will you come with me?” she asked.

“Whatever you want Chloe. You know I’d love to.” He smiled.

They’d kissed in the taxi the whole way home. This was not his style at all. But something deeper had switched in him that night when he’d seen Chloe handle Alice. She was one brave girl and he really respected that.

When they got back to Chloe’s flat, he’d offered to sleep on the sofa but she’d insisted they share a bed. He’d been the one to stop things getting too heated. He’d been there before and he respected her too much to allow her to do this. Chloe had fallen asleep on his chest curled into his side. He’d stayed awake much longer, wondering what on earth tomorrow would bring and how the hell they would help both Finn and Rae.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning self harm references. The next episode is going to be hellishly hard to write as it requires some serious jigsawing!

Rae woke up still feeling sick. She went to the bathroom and rinsed her mouth out and brushed her teeth and went back to bed. Chloe knocked on her door.

“Rae, can I come in?”

“Alright then”.

Chloe came down and sat on her bed. “You alright Rae, you look terribly pale”.

“I think it’s just that I’ve overdone things since the sick bug” then she frowned “Chloe who’s in our kitchen, please tell me its not Finn.”

Chloe’s heart sunk the issue with Finn was not going to be easy. “Its’ Rich”

Rae smiled “Oh my god Chloe, did he stay the night?”

Chloe nodded “But nothing happened, just a bit of kissing. You were right Rae he’s got the most amazing body hidden away and he’s just so…. nice isnt’ the right word. Decent”.

Rae smiled. “Let me get dressed a minute and you two can tell me what happened last night” she said with a sigh.

Rae came out in a pair of leggings and a baggy jumper.

“Hey Rae” Rich walked over and kissed her on the cheek “You feeling any better?”

“Yeah a bit. I think”. She was distracted by the phone ringing. Chloe picked it up

“Finn, how are you?” Rae motioned across her neck  with her finger “Oh Finn, I am sorry she’s still asleep and I don’t want to wake her with her having been ill….. yeah it was eventful….. alright then…. I’ll tell her you called.”

Chloe put the phone down and looked up to see Rae crying silently.

“Oh Rae” she put her arms around her. “Alice got to you that badly?” Rae nodded.

Rich came and sat down too with three steaming mugs of tea on a tray.

“Rae she’s a fucking stalker. After you left, Chloe had to rescue Finn and Pete Tong from her. Let’s just say Pete now knows she’s a crazed idiot. He couldn’t leave quickly enough without her”

Rae smiled a bit. “And before you ask Rae, Finn was hating every minute of it. He told her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want anything to do with her.”

“So where’s she now?”

There was an awkward silence, Chloe and Rich’s eyes met. They didn’t really want to tell Rae about what Finn had promised to do, neither was sure it was their place to do so. Rae could read something was wrong, they weren’t telling her something.

“Oh what? What is it? Please don’t tell me she’s with Finn right now.”

“No” said Chloe “It’s not that.”

“Well where is she?”

“In a hotel.” said Chloe

“In town? She’s still in town is she?”

Rich felt he had to step in and say something. This was not the chilled out Rae he was used to but he knew the whole situation was not Finn’s fault, far from it, Finn needed a bloody medal for how he dealt with that bitch.

“Look Rae, Alice didn’t exactly react well to Finn telling her to get out of his life. She er, she threatened to …. you know”.

“Oh that trick, oldest stalker trick in the book. Don’t tell me Finn fell for that crap”

“Rae” said Chloe in shock, this was so unlike her friend. Rae started to cry.

Both Rich and Chloe sat down next to Rae, Chloe pulling her in for a hug and Rich just wanted to be supportive. Rae was like a sister to him, he knew there must be something behind her reaction.

“Rae” Rich started softly “Finn only promised to take her to get some help today, the deal was she had to stay a night in a hotel and that was all he was doing.”

“But why would he do that, that’s only going to encourage her further.”

“He was an impossible position Rae. Your boyfriend is one of the most decent human beings I have ever met. There’s not doubt he’s in love with you and he’d never do anything deliberately to prejudice that but what would you have done? He had to take her seriously. I would have done the same too Rae, not because I liked her, not because I wanted to maintain contact, but I could never live with myself if she had gone and done something. Please understand that sweetheart. Don’t be angry with him for doing something when he had absolutely no choice.”

Rae was really crying now.

Chloe had to get to work. “Rae, I’ve really got to get to work, I’m going to be late as it is. Do you need me to call in sick?”

Rae shook her head.

“Look Rae I don’t need to get to the club for a while to set up for tonight, how about I go and get us some take-away breakfast and we can just chill out for the day, watch shit daytime TV and listen to music?”

Rae smiled and nodded. She couldn’t’ believe Rich was being so kind to her. She also couldn’t’ believe she was being such a bitch. She was really worried about Alice manipulating Finn and Finn somehow falling back into her.

*************************************************************

Finn had taken the day off work on Friday to take Alice where she needed to go. When he’d turned up at the hotel, she hadn’t been waiting for him in the lobby asa agreed and he had had to go up to her room. He found her there, full make-up on, on her mobile.

His heart sunk. This was not going to be easy. He’d asked her where she needed to go, had she thought about it. She’d burst into tears saying she wasn’t sure. So he’d patiently run through the list of all the people he remembered that Alice had stayed with. She had cried and come up with excuses as to why none of his suggestions was suitable. He realised he had to be really firm and said he was leaving until she’d made up her mind.

She’d then agreed to go and stay with a friend in London, he’d got her as far as being strapped up in the car and a few yards down the road before she became hysterical.

He’d taken her back to the hotel and left her there saying he would come back the next day but there were to be no more chances after that. It was eating him up that he was spending precious time off work with Alice who seemed determined to destroy him. He was more than worried about Rae now. He could tell something was wrong as despite what had happened on Rich’s office yesterday, he had strong suspicions that she’d avoided his call that morning. He knew she was ill as well and all he wanted to do was for her to allow him to look after her. But that was never going to happen with Alice hanging over them.

He went to work that night in a funk. Dan and Archie had come to the club and he’d ended up drinking too much and going back to theirs in a real estate. Archie was worried about Rae but he’d understood what was happening when Finn had explained the Alice debacle. In the end Archie had come up with a plan. Archie had pointed out she was not his responsibility and they needed to leave her with someone who was going to do that, they’d agreed it had to be her parents. Finn knew she would hate that and had explained how hysterical she’d been yesterday when Archie had suggested the plan. Finn did not like it one little bit, but it was hardly as if he had any other suggestions.

Finn had gone to the hotel and been really firm with Alice. He’d helped back her bags and get her out of the hotel into Archie’s car. Alice had been reluctant at first but he’d got in the back seat with her and explained they were going on a drive. He’d had to pull her into him to keep her calm. His skin pricked with revulsion for the whole drive but he’d managed to get her to sleep on him so she had no idea where they were actually going.

He’d called her parents and explained that Alice was having some sort of breakdown or something and that they’d split up months ago but he needed to know she was safe. Alice’s mother had not been much help saying he was a liar and how they were still together, shouting at Finn, asking what he’d done.Luckily Alice’s father had a far better idea of what his daughter was really like and accepted what Finn had said. Archie pulled the car up outside Alice’s parent’s house. When Alice woke up she was hysterical, screaming and crying and hitting Finn but he’d calmly explained he kept to his end of the deal and this was it, he was going home and could she please not contact him again.

It took some 20 minutes to get Alice inside the house and Finn could not leave fast enough after that. As they drove off he was shaking and Archie noticed he was crying. He handed Finn a packet of cigarettes - normally he didn’t allow smoking in his company car but Finn clearly needed it.

“Fucking hell Archie, what was I thinking when I went out with her. She might have messed the one good thing in my life up.”

“Finn you need to talk to Rae about this. She’s pretty sound about these things you know. I don’t know how to put this but I am bit worried about her, she’s really not got over that bug Finn. I think she should probably see a doctor. I mean she might just need a break but she was so pale last night when I took her home and I had to help her up the stairs.”

Finn bit his lip. He’d noticed too. In the end he’d asked Archie to take him straight to Rae’s as he wanted to see her now, even though their No Crap FM slot was on that night.

*********************************************************

Finn had walked up the stairs to Chloe’s flat nervously. Rich had let him in and patted him on the back. They’d exchanged a few quiet words and Finn had gone through to the living room to see Rae. She was lying on the sofa watching TV, she was white as a sheet with dark bags under her eyes.  He was terribly worried and was shaking slightly as he spoke “Hey girl”.

Rae looked up. Shit she really didn’t want Finn to see her like this.

“Er Hi Finn, can you just give me a minute to get dressed.”  She stood up and was overwhelmed by dizziness and nausea and ending up grabbing onto Finn as she collapsed back onto the sofa.

“Jesus Rae. “ He sat down next to her.

“It’s nothing Finn, just a bit dizzy that’s all.”

He was shaking now and she could feel the tremors on his body. “How long has this been going on?”

“Not long couple of weeks. Think it might be something to do with the bug Finn. I’ve been living of nearly no sleep for months now”. A couple of tears fell from her eyes.

Finn pull her into him “Shhh girl. It’s going to be ok. You probably do need some time off, but I would feel a hell of lot better if you got yourself checked out properly.”

“I hate doctors” Rae said grumpily.

“Then let me come and hold your hand Rae.” he said bopping his nose against hers.

She smiled and then frowned “We need to talk about Alice.”

Finn sighed and got up. “I am so sorry Rae. I am sorry about Alice. Archie and I left her with her parents this morning so I hope they might talks some sense into her and she might leave us alone. She wasn’t very happy it about it. The thing is Rae, I’m….I’m, I’m”

Finn couldn’t stop stuttering. He was digging his fingers into his thigh and looking at the floor. Rae was worried about him now. He turned his back on her and she could see his shoulders heave a couple of times.

“Hey Finn, please come and sit down.”

“It’s just I, I…” she could hear his voice crack.

“Please dont’ make me stand up and pull you over here Nelson as I’m not sure I can stand up right now”.

He turned to face her, tears in his eyes and sat down slowly next to her. His body language was very closed off, his elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

She rubbed his back. “What is it Finn? You know you can tell me.”

He started slowly, frightened of breaking down completely. “I am worried Rae. Worried that this thing with Alice, has changed how you feel about me. You might not admit  it but..”

He could feel her arm around his shoulders. “No Finn. No. It’s just, well I haven’t been feeling myself recently, I think I’m just too tired and this bug has got the better of me. “ She started to cry. “I just feel so odd Finn, all over the shop”.

He pulled her into an embrace. They sat there wanting the world to stop, safe with each other, almost clinging onto the hope that life wasn’t going to keep forging ahead at its inevitable pace.

Chloe and Rich walked in “You two should get going to No Crap FM”.

“Oh fuck” Finn looked at his watch and then at Rae with concern.

Rae made to get up and Finn pulled her back down “Rae please, no. Please. You know you’re not well, please”.

Rae nodded her head in silent defeat “But Finn you know the show’s not the same with just a single presenter.”

“It’s never the same without you Rae, never.”

“Rich” Rae said “You ever fancied being on the radio?”

Rich took some convincing to go and co-present with Finn but Finn was happy as he knew that they could banter through record choices pretty well. Finn was also relieved that this might help Steve out a bit as this was the second week in a row when Rae was ill. Rich had had to get his deputy manager to run the club but he was quite looking forward to a night off the club. He seemed to spend his whole life down there and was getting itchy feet for a break again.

*******************************

Rae listened in to Rich and Finn’s banter, she laughed at their arguments over minor details over songs. Rich was pretty good - he had some great stories to tell and she and Chloe happily spent the evening together listening along on the sofa in the pyjamas. They were still up when Rich and Finn arrived back at the flat.

Finn was slightly cross that Rae was still up as it was gone midnight and had insisted that she need sleep. He’d ended up going to sleep with her in his arms in her single bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable for either of them but they were both exhausted. Before he fell asleep Finn mused that he only ever felt truly relaxed when he was with Rae.

Finn left early on Sunday to work at the record shop he needed the money. Deep down he knew something was going to have to change as a relationship built on snatched moments with one of them always needing to run off for work could not last long term as something would have to give. And the likelihood was that something would be the relationship unless they sorted themselves out. He knew they needed time together to do normal things, share the small stuff, the everyday, the mundane, not just the big nights out and a 2 hour radio show each week. He also knew they were both running on empty, there was not much more left in his tank and as for Rae, well that troubled him. It was clear she was ill and to Finn’s non-medical mind, it seemed like more than an ordinary bug.

Finn’s day might have started well but he was pretty horrified when his boss showed him a small piece in the national press - it was an interview with Alice. There was the picture of him with Alice draped over his right hand side and Pete Tong looking a bit shocked. On his left was Rae, eyes open wide looking lost.

If the picture wasn’t bad enough the interview was awful. It made out that Alice and he were an item and she was introducing her boyfriend to Pete Tong. He realised that this must have been Alice’s plan - she’d have been the one who told the photographers what was happening. There were a few more photos of him, including a shirtless one of him smoking on holiday a couple of years back. He was tanned and only wearing a pair of jeans barefoot on the beach. He was furious that she’d release such a private photo to the press. He thought things couldn’t get worse until he read the section on his role at No Crap FM.

It was linked to the photo of the four of them at the club, mentioning that his Saturday night show with Rae Earl had a bit of a cult following among musos and the general public alike. The writer had mentioned he’d asked Alice about whether she felt Miss Earl was a threat to her relationship with Finn , because of the banter during the show - which could well be interpreted as flirting. Alice’s reply had been “Have you seen Rae Earl in the flesh, I think that’s your answer.” Finn was so angry he’d had to leave work.

He’d gone straight to the pub and ordered a pint. It hadn’t been long before he realised a group of girls were talking about him.  One of them had come up and given her his number “In case he got bored of Alice”. He left at that point before he lost it big style. He knew he had to talk to Rae about it but she’d been blowing so hot and cold he wasn’t really sure how she would handle this especially after Alice had been so unbearably rude about her.

Finn decided to go home first. When he got in Chop and Izzy had seen the papers and he ranted to them for about 10 minutes about what a cow Alice was. He was interrupted by the phone ringing and Izzy went to pick it up. “No sorry he’s not here, right well what’s your number…. alright I’ll pass the message on then.”

Izzy sighed and came back. She looked at Finn. “That was the 8th call I’ve had for you today. “

“Oh shit please tell me it’s not Alice calling.”

Izzy shook her head. “You’re not going to like this but I’ve had a few modelling agencies call and a couple of clubs and a couple of women.”

Finn shook his head and cursed. “I am so sorry, how the hell have they got our number?”

Chop shrugged as the phone rang again. Finn went over and pulled it out of the wall. Chop got some beers out. They drank a few cans and Finn started to calm down. Before he knew it it was time to go and do his slot on local radio - Izzy had to drive him and waited whilst he did his short Sunday show, taking him home 2 hours later. He’d taken quite a ribbing off the staff initially until they realised he was livid about the whole thing. He’d thought about saying something live on air about Alice but he didn’t want to stoop to her level - this was something private - it should not be aired in public.

********************************

Rae had seen the pictures in the Sunday paper after her mum had called her. The picture might not have been the best one of her but she’d cried over Alice’s words most of all. She’d seen that picture of Finn - she knew what his body was like. He was slightly leaner now than when that picture had been taken. But she couldn’t’ help question, why someone like him was with her. He was off the scale in terms of looks and she, well she was at best average. No, right now she was worse than average, she looked like a ghost with bags under her eyes and  she kept throwing up.

Chloe and Rich had done their best to be supportive. Rich had made her laugh by pointing out Alice was a “deranged egomaniac who was hell bent on  trying to get press coverage but had only succeeded in making herself look foolish.” Rich had pointed out that the interviewer must have really disliked  her to have published the toxic remarks she’d made because they only served to make her look like a complete bitch to the world.

Rae had still been tearful and Chloe knew it came down to her deep insecurities about the way she looked. She was so much better than she had been as a teenager but this was a pretty public condemnation and Chloe knew it was going to be hard to shift it.

Rich had pointed out that he found her far more attractive than he ever would find Alice and that was based on looks alone. Rich thought he might have gone a bit far when he pointed out she had a rack most girls would die for but Rae appreciated the thought and laughed when Chloe had playfully whacked him.

She’d calmed down enough to realise than knowing Finn, he would be pretty pissed off about it but when she’d answered the phone for her comments on the situation and whether she’d like to do a revenge article, she suddenly became afraid. Everybody was going to know who she was and more importantly who Finn was. And it was only going to be a matter of time before someone who was like her but looked like Alice or some other petite pretty girl came along and Finn would realise he could trade up.

**********************************

Finn had really appreciated Izzy sticking around and taking him home. His turmoil had returned and he knew he needed to see Rae. But he was scared.  When he got home - he went out for a smoke. This whole thing was beyond fucked up. He couldn’t’ hate Alice anymore right now. He was on his second beer when there was a frantic knocking on the door.

Archie came sprinting up the stairs. “Fuck’s sake have you been on the phone all day?”

Finn gestured and the phone line out of its socket. “People kept calling Archie, it was doing my head in. All I want to do is speak to Rae but I am so angry right now.”

Finn was running his hands through his hair.

Archie took a deep breath and said three words he hoped he’d never hear. “Finn, it’s Rae”.

*****************************************************************

Archie had explained he’d been trying to call Finn since late afternoon. Rae had ended up in a real state and Chloe had called him. He’d gone round to try and calm her down but it had not helped. Rae had been sick several times, she was inconsolable and in the end she’d packed a bag and had gone to stay with her mum. She’d been collected by her mum’s husband Karim an hour ago.

Finn was openly crying now. He ended in Archie’s arms telling Archie about how he thought Rae had been blowing hot and cold, how much Alice had got to him, how much he hated his personal life being in the public space and how, above all, all he wanted to do was be with Rae. He’d explained how it all seemed like an impossible mess.

Archie knew how much Finn loved Rae but all he could counsel was patience. But he was really worried too - Rae had been all over the place emotionally and there was no denying she had been ill too.

************************************************

The following week had been the week from hell for Finn. Chloe had given her Rae’s mum’s number and he tried to call several times but Rae’s mum who now knew was called Linda had explained Rae was refusing to talk to him. He’d struck up an unlikely ally in Linda when he explained about how worried he was about Rae’s health. Linda knew that he was a decent man and he never raised his voice or got upset when she had to tell him Rae refused to speak to him, he just took it, though she could tell it hurt as his voice would crack when he’d said goodbye.

Finn had gone to work on Monday. He’d arranged with the hospital to take over Rae’s slot on hospital radio on Tuesday even though it meant he had a stream of teenagers and mothers waiting to talk to him when it ended. He’d even agreed to go to a party in Thursday afternoon and hand out presents to the children.

He’d safely negotiated through his club nights. In the end he’d called James and agreed to cover a couple of slots in the period between Christmas and New Year. He desperately tried to keep himself busy. The hardest day was Saturday when Rich had to again co-present at No Crap FM with him. It was like some sort of torture.

He planned to work all through Christmas as he didn’t know what else to do but when he’d called Linda on Christmas Eve to see how Rae was she’d suggested he popover because she was worried about Rae. So in the end he’d gone to his dad’s for Christmas day and he walked the half mile to Rae’s house in the early evening.

Linda had greeted him like an old family friend. She was taken aback by how good looking he was in the flesh, she’d seen the pictures in the press, but it was far more disarming to be faced by a very unassuming Finn in the flesh. She sat him down in the lounge with a cup of tea and went to explain to Rae that Finn was downstairs. Rae had screamed at her initially and then refused to go and see him.

Linda had come downstairs and suggested Finn wait a bit because Rae was likely to calm down in a while - she thought it was just the shock of him being there. When she’d come downstairs, she found Finn playing a boardgame with her youngest daughter Jasmine and making her laugh. He stayed playing games and drawing cartoons for a couple of hours when Linda went back up to speak to Rae. Rae had been adamant she was staying in her room and it was with a soft shake of the head she’d let Finn know Rae was not going to be seeing him. She saw how he’d swallowed, tears in his eyes and had thanked her for the tea and walked out with his head hanging low.

She’d caught him half way down the drive and suggested he come back the next day. Finn had spent the evening at home with his father, explaining what had happened. His father had told him how he’d never liked Alice and Finn had asked him why he’d never said anything and his father had quietly explained that it was neither his place to do so nor would it have been wise. For it might have pushed Finn into a decision that he would come to regret and blame his father for. Gary had listened to Finn’s No Crap FM Shows on more than one occasion and he could understand why Finn was smitten. That girl was sharp, funny and she always gave as good as she could get. He’d never seen Finn like this before, not even after the night when Alice had taken an overdose - yes he’d been worried but Gary knew it wasn’t love it was just concen on his son’s part. That relationship had been all lust.

Gary encouraged Finn not to give up. He’d said that women were funny creatures thinking back to his wife and how she’d behaved. He explained that Rae might have perceived the article as a pretty public humiliation and whilst that was not Finn’s fault in anyway she might be feeling pretty low about things right now. However, when his son went on to describe how Rae had been dizzy and and pale and unwell, he began to worry that there might be something more serious behind all of this.

Finn mustered up his courage and went back to Linda’s house the next day. This had to be his last chance as he was leaving for London that night to play in James’ club. Linda greeted him like an old friend and went up stairs to speak to Rae, she came down again shaking her head and made Finn a cup of tea and she pulled out the board games. Finn sat down with a sigh, it was not as if he had anything else to do that afternoon so he ended up playing Game of Life with Jasmine and Linda.

Once the game was finished, Linda went upstairs again. She opened Rae’s door.

“Rae, he’s still here, I suggest you get yourself out of that bed, dressed and downstairs as soon as.”

“No mum I don’t feel like it” Rae groaned and rolled over on bed.

“Rachel Earl, that man has been sat downstairs for two afternoons in my living room playing board games with your sister. He’s sat there patiently and without complaint. Quiet, kind, special people come round once in a lifetime. Don’t you dare stay up here like a stubborn toddler. You get down there and you talk to him, even if it’s to say you don’t want to talk to him. I am not having you behave like this.”

“Mum”. Rae rolled her eyes, she wasn’t 16 anymore, she was in her mid 20s for god’s sake.

“Rachel Earl”.

************************************

Rae came down the stairs in leggings and a baggy jumper, Karim took Jasmine outside to feed the birds and Linda disappeared into the kitchen.

Finn stood up, heart in his mouth. “Rae”.

She swallowed “Finn”.

She sat down next to him on the sofa.

“You feeling any better girl?”

She loved it when he called her girl, she had been horrid to him and God had she missed him but she knew she couldn’t do this.

Finn shuffled across a bit. “Rae, I am so sorry about the whole article thing. Alice is a complete bitch. I wish I’d never helped her, no scratch that, I wish I’d never met her.”

Rae shrugged her shoulders.

“What she said, what she was was u..u… un… unforgivable” he stuttered “And, and she’s so wrong, you are beautiful, you’re amazing and you know I adore you.”

“Finn stop.”

He looked at her and gently cupped her cheek with his hand. She brushed his hand away and took a deep breath.

“Finn I think we should just be friends.”

He felt like he had been punched in the chest, like someone had pulled the plug. For a moment he was complete disorientated and then felt the tears prick his eyes and realised this was happening, this was real.

“B….b…b..but  why?” he was stammering now.

“Just because Finn” she said and got up and went back upstairs.

Finn got up and put his coat on, he was met by Linda who hugged him, “I’m sorry Finn, I don’t know what’s got into her, she’s not like herself at all. Please stay in touch I am sure Jasmine would like to see you when you’re next in town.”

He nodded and gave her a flat smile and walked home.

Linda stormed up the stairs “Rachel Earl”.

She was taken aback to find Rae crying uncontrollably in her room.

“Rae?”

“Oh mum I love him so much”.

Linda put her arms around her daugher who was now sobbing on her.

“I don’t understand Rae. Much as I get things can be complicated - I mean look at me and Karim, but that man’s in love with you and you with him, what’s the problem.”

“Look at me mum, you saw the pictures in the paper, he deserves better”.

Linda sighed she thought Rae was much better, she hadn’t seen her have such a severe self-confidence crisis for so long. She wondered what could have precipitated this, could it really be the article, could it be work, or could it be that she was overtired, run down and unwell. Something clicked in Linda’s mind, there was one thing, one thing could explain this.

“Rae promise me when you go back tomorrow, you’ll make an appointment with the doctor.”

“Mum, I’m feeling much better now.”

“I know, I know but do your old mum a favour and make that appointment, just to put my mind at rest.”

Rae nodded.

“Right then, hot pot for tea?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic comes with a health warning as it’s not an easy read at the start. But please stick with it. You may need a cup of tea and a biscuit as it’s on the long side at over 10,000 words.
> 
> As with all my fics, these would be best read whilst sampling the playlist. A lot of the banter uses lyrics from the tracks. If I really wanted to do this justice it would have taken weeks - these are in my daily repetoire so I could have gone a lot further with it.

Finn was devastated, no he was beyond devastated if such a thing existed. He had gone to down London with his overnight bag and stayed with James for three nights, playing a set every night at the club. He’d spent the night after Rae had plunged him into darkness with those 7 words with his father instead of going to London and drinking himself stupid. Gary had held his son as he cried as there was nothing he could do or say that could or would lessen the pain. Gary had only seen his son like this once before and that was after his nan had died and Gary reasoned that being left by the one you love was akin to losing them and the resulting emotion was a kind of grief.

Finn had called Archie and told him what had happened. Archie had been shocked, he too had little consolation to offer Finn but promised he’d come down to London one night with Dan to listen to his set. Dan had been surprised that Finn had played such a strong set but Archie wasn’t - Finn was ever the professional when it came to his music. But it was over drinks afterwards, that Finn had broken down.

Archie and Dan had taken Finn back home with them. Izzy had made a meal which the five of them shared. The five of them had squashed on the sofa and had watched Pump Up the Volume. Finn was sandwiched between Izzy and Archie. Izzy was curled up stroking his arm and Archie kept arm bumping him. Finn had ended up with  his head resting on Archie’s shoulder, tears falling with Archie’s arm around him. Izzy was curled into his other side and Chop into her. Dan was snuggled into Archie’s side. The warmth of the other bodies could in no way reduce the intensity of the hurt but it numbed the immediacy of the pain to a point where he could function.

*************************

Rae spent the next few days trying to convince herself she had done the best thing for Finn even though it had hurt her terribly. She returned to her flat and broke down on Chloe. Chloe still couldn’t understand why Rae had done it, Rae’s reasons had been vague and inconsistent to start with.

When she’d finally got to what Rae claimed was the bottom of things - thinking she didn’t deserve Finn, Chloe was still confused. Chloe couldn’t help feel Rae’s thought process was so much more extrapolated than it ever had been before with such long chains of what ifs, that she wasn’t sure if Rae herself even understood what she was trying, and failing to articulate.

Rae had made a doctor’s appointment for the following week. She didn’t really want to go but her mother and Chloe had pestered her to such an extent that she felt it was less hassle going compared to listening to them harp on and on.

*************************************

It was Saturday night, time for another show on No Crap FM - they had missed a couple in the  Christmas and New Year period as the studio had  programmed some festive special shows which were partially scheduled in to give the pair a break. Finn had made good money from all the sets he had played in  London so at least there was less pressure to work overtime in local clubs or the record shop. But none of that really mattered now. Finn had no idea how he was going to get through the show tonight, he thought about calling in sick, pulling out of the show completely but something deeper than the bleak winter inside him stopped him. He couldn’t give it a name but he knew it was there.

He arrived early at No Crap FM with a selection of sets scribbled down. He knew it was going to be hard and he wanted to allow himself as much room as possible to manoeuvre if things got tough. He also wanted to prevent himself from being bitter live on air - private things should stay private even if it felt like your soul had been decimated into so many pieces that you weren’t really sure which remaining slither left was you anymore.

Finn’s breath caught in his throat when Rae entered the room. He noted she was still pale and her eyes were now red rimmed to add to the deep bruises underneath them. Again that part of him deep down, that refused to be repressed into his winter was trying to tell him something, something that he couldn’t quite translate. A quick knock on the perspex screen from Steve and it was gone again, lost to the depths.

Finn knew he was to start the show as normal - as Rae would only start the show when they agreed this format beforehand. “So people, it’s a cold wet miserable January evening. Most of us have taken our decorations down and sucummed to winter. Rather than the “Nightmare Before Christmas”  excellent film by the way, tonight we’re having the Nightmare after Christmas. This track’s title would make the unwary believe that they are in for a treat, a declaration of love perhaps, but no; its much darker than that because in this song the spiderman eats away all that is good, and “I realise with fright that the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight”. Yes it’s an all time classic by the Cure “Lullaby” - just to remind us reality can come and bite us at times.”

Rae had being trying not to look at Finn because that would make it so much harder for her, but she now realised that it would definately be so much harder for him too. His words and song choice gnawed at her, she could tell how hurt he was. This was going to be a bloody difficult show and her only inspiration was survival.

“Sometimes, the nightmare can be being out of control. Everyone else might not see your nightmare and it looks to others like you are living in a dream but in reality the nightmare is an alternative subconscious reality. And in that world sometimes someone can make you “happy every single day” but even so “now [you];ve got to go away. By one of the greatest all time bands Led Zepplin - its “Babe I am gonna leave you”

Finn swallowed. Jesus Fucking Christ why did she have to pick that song; he turned his head away from her and wiped his face on his arm to hide his tears from her. A large part of him wanted to walk out there and then. But again that unfathomable slither deep inside could not let him. But he knew he’d couldn’t bear a whole show of her telling him in hundred ways that they weren’t working.

“This song is really about pain, a real nightmare where you know there is “no distance left to run” but you still want the other person “feel safe in their sleeping tonight”. It’s a masterpiece of pain on Alburn’s break-up with Frishman - it’s Blur with “No distance to run”.

Rae’s tears started to sting her eyes. He’d played blur to her and he’d made it clear he still cared. It was too fucking painful for her right now.

“Sometimes words are too painful and there is nothing worse than “losing my best friend” and you’d rather not have that conversation because it hurts far too much. It’s No Doubt and the somewhat , nah pretty, maybe even very  mainstream - “Don’t speak”.

Finn’s mind was in turmoil - what the hell to play next. The pain was almost physical now.

“I had to bring you this track by Bowie because let’s face it Bowie’s not a nightmare but when you so badly want that leaf to cling to the tree and it won’t… well I don’t need to spell it out. And can you imagine how that feels when that person is “Spring to [you]” - and the feeling just blows you over like a huge gust of wind and you’re completely totally and utterly incapable of doing anything about it. Yes it’s “Wild is the wind”.

Rae had her back to Finn and there was no way she was going to turn around now the tears were falling freely. She managed to get enough control back.

“This is “Crying” by Roy Orbison. Need I say more?”

Finn understood that she was telling him she was crying, he could hear her breath hitch and a periodic sniffle. That slither of something was trying to push itself beyond the depths towards the surface now.

“I like that choice Earl but for me this song from the same era is just more…. more subtle. Because if you “take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place” - It’s “Tracks of my tears” by Smokey Robinson.

Rae had to grab a tissue now.  If she didn’t play something more upbeat, she knew she was going to end up running out of there.

“The worst thing about tears is sometimes you can’t predict when they are going to hit you, time is a funny thing, things can become a nightmare but you can’t work out where the nightmare starts and where it ends-  you just don’t know - Bowie’s lyrics really explain this for me “Time may change me, but I can’t trace time” - it’s “Changes””.

Finn had no idea what to play next, but he remembered a record Gary had played over Christmas that he hadn’t listened to for a while.

“Back to the subject of pain as opposed when it starts and when it finishes - that should be IF it finishes. Heartache can “bring more pain than a blistering sun”, it can take you from the heights to the very depths. This song title says it all - its “Down to Zero” by Joan Armatrading - just listen to that amazing voice”.

It was Rae’s turn;

“This is another song about sadness. Sometimes things have to end but it could have been the best time ever - so bittersweet - It’s Green day with “Time of your Life”.

Finn couldn’t believe she didn’t know the full name of the song and an angry spark ignited in him - it was small but there nonetheless.

“Earl you missed the rest of the title of that last track it’s “Good Riddance” - I think you’ll find it’s a bitter and sarcastic track written after Armstrong’s girlfriend moved away.” He couldn’t hide the edge in his voice. “But if we’re talking bittersweet songs - this one has far more calibre - It’s by Wendy Rene because we all know tears come “After Laughter” so don’t laugh at me please”.

Rae was crying properly now, she wanted them to be friends but the way he was talking it sounded like that was never going to be a possibility.

“This is my last track of the night and it’s … well it should speak for itself in terms of emotion. We all “hate to see the love between us die” but sometimes it’s gone, it’s over. This man’s voice says more than a thousand words - it’s Jeff Buckley’s “Last goodbye”.

Finn could barely breathe now, it hurt so much but he had one last track to play himself and there was only one he could think of.

“Sometimes “our respect runs dry” and its not pleasant. This bleak song is by the aptly named “Joy Division”. Only something that started with its roots in something so innately beautiful can take you down to the darkest despair and the bitter.

“Love will tear us apart””.

When the opening chords played, Rae ran out of the studio in tears. Finn could only sit there, head in his hands. How the hell had it come to this?

******************************************************

Chloe had taken Rae home. Neither she nor Rich were particularly happy with her returning to work given the fact she was still not right but the dizziness and nausea seemed to have abated somewhat and she was at least sleeping well now.

Rae’s boss at the cafe had suggested that she work reduced hours until she was fully recovered and so she had spent Monday night and Tuesday morning at home. She’d gone to do her slot on hospital radio on Tuesday afternoon. She’d left in tears when she heard that Finn had stepped into her slot whilst she was away and how he’d handed the Christmas presents round to the children. She wondered why he’d never said anything and just done it. Her mother’s words about quiet kind special people reverberated around her head. It was as if they were starting to suffocate her, what had she done?

Rae reluctantly went to the doctor’s that afternoon. She’d explained how she’d had this awful vomiting bug that all her friends had had but it had stayed with her for ages and she was left feeling rundown and tired. The doctor had reassured her that her assessment of it likely being her hectic lifestyle and being run down in the first place were what was delaying her recovery but he decided to take blood for testing just in case.

Rae had telephoned the surgery for her results on Thursday morning as she had been told to do so. She was somewhat confused when the receptionist had insisted that she needed to come in and discuss her results with a doctor. She’d asked for an appointment for a couple of weeks time but the receptionist was not having any of it. Rae had hung up but the doctor had called her back personally and asked her to come in. Rae started to get worried about what on earth they might have found indicated by blood test results.

She’d called her mother in a panic. Linda had practically volunteered to drop everything and take her to the doctor but Rae had insisted she could cope. Linda only conceded when Rae promised to call her back as soon as she got home.

When she walked into the consulting room, the doctor had asked her to take a seat. Rae didn’t want to because she knew they only asked you to sit down when it was bad.

Rae left the doctor’s in shock. How the hell was she going to tell her mum, her friends, her work. She doesn’t remember how she did it but she managed to get home.

*******************************************

When her mother called, Rae had told her it was just a virus, she was still reeling from the news and she knew she needed to understand it before she could share it.

Finn’s week had been busy, he’d been down to DJ in James’ club again on the Monday. It was bloody exhausting going to bed at 3 am and getting the 7:45am train return train in order to get back to the record shop on time. He’d been on autopilot most of the week. London had been particularly hard as he’d gone back to an empty building after work.

He’d felt that last incomprehensible slither in him be buried by his winter. His friends were the only thing that could thaw him out enough to anesthetize the pain sufficiently for him to function. Tuesday had been the hardest day; knowing Rae was on hospital radio and the afternoon should have been their walk together. However, he was somewhat revived by a call from Pete Tong asking him to come and mix tracks on the Thursday afternoon. He thanked the gods of music for the timing of this intervention.

He’d just about enjoyed himself on Thursday afternoon, trying to lose himself in a less familiar genre of pure dance music, which had no painful memories attached. Pete had asked if Finn would be prepared to come next time with some dance mixes of Indie music. Finn accepted the challenge. He had to try and think about something else but he had no idea how he was actually going to be able to do it given so much Indie music had memories of Rae attached.

Izzy, Chop and Archie had done their best to look after him. Izzy had fussed like a mother over a small child, Chop had tried to ply him with alcohol and Archie kept asking him to talk about it. He was really struggling with the mixture of bitterness and hurt until Rich called. Rich said he probably shouldn’t be calling but he was really worried about Rae since her doctor’s appointment the previous day. She’d barely said a word and had been sat in her room and had hardly eaten a thing. This stilled some of the bitterness and threw him back into a sphere of worry, pain and confusion.

********************************************************************

Rae knew she need to tell Finn the “bad” news but how the fuck could she. She knew now she’d made the right decision in finishing their relationship as there was no way he should be shouldering this burden. He was young and had so much fun to have, a job in London probably, maybe DJ’ing with legends like Pete Tong. This was too much to ask him to cope with.

When she got to the studio, Rae was surprised to find Finn actually looking her, worry in his eyes.  She knew she somehow had to tell him, maybe she could try telling him through music.

Finn kicked off again - “I think we all hit a time in our lives where things are utter crap and it’s often our friends that pull us through. This song has been passed around all my mates. It’s definitely ended up as mainstream and may be a little cheesy but you can’t help but feel the lyrics and the vocal’s pretty good too. It couldn’t’ be anything other than REM with “Everybody hurts”.

  
  


Rae didn’t know where to start with telling him. How could she do this, how could she put this load on him. She couldn’t. She stumbled into her choice, she’d been intending to play something else but this track would have to suffice.

“This is another thing friends do for each other “when the night has come and the land is dark” none of us should be afraid with our friends by our side. We should stand by each other and each others’ decisions even when we maybe wouldn’t make the same choice. It’s Ben E King and “Stand By Me”.

  
  


Rae had looked at Finn while she was introducing her last track and Finn couldn’t understand what she was trying to tell him or whether she was actually trying to tell him anything. He just couldn’t read her anymore. He’d scooted over to her and started to trace on her thigh but she’d jumped back from his hand as if his touch burnt her.

He regretted his next choice as soon as he had played it. He’d made a sharp comment about the downside with certain friendships being that people weren’t always what they seemed and sometimes people weren’t always who you thought they were. H’d played the Roses’ Fool’s Gold.

Rae had countered with; “Sometimes people you thought were friends aren’t there to catch you. No they forget to catch you. Rain can really fall like Elvis’ tears - It’s Saint Etienne with the beautiful yet elegiacally toned “Hobart Paving”.

Finn had played Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” alluding to the fact sometimes people become so numb that they can’t express themselves. Sometimes it was because of the nightmare of reality. He wrote on a piece of paper and passed it to Rae   it read “What is it?”

She shook her head at him. Part of her really wanted to tell him and part of her just couldn’t. No she’d done the right thing in breaking up with him.

“Sometimes you mates worry about you more than they should, maybe you’ve been ill, maybe you’ve had a hard time but after the initial onslaught dies off you can tell them that you’re “Not so manic now”. It’s Dubstar”. She caught Finn’s eye again whilst introducing.

  
  


Finn had noticed out of the corner of his eye when he was introducing his next track, that Rae had stood up and had suddenly grabbed hold of the back of her chair. She’d gone deathly white and had to sit down, head between her knees. He could hear her breathing was fast and uneven.

He was really worried now, something was definitely wrong with Rae but why was she not telling him? Rich’s phone call replayed in his mind. He had to find out but he had very little time to pick the next track, in the end he went for a curved ball.

“So this track really bothers me, the music sounds so sad to my ear, so painful but when you listen to the lyrics it’s actually a song about falling in love, not breaking up. Sometimes I DON’T UNDERSTAND” (he emphasised these words) what someone is telling me - like when their expression doesn’t match their words and this track just conveys this CONFUSION. It’s the Wedding Present with “Falling””.

  
  


Rae listened to the beautiful lyrics and wished that he could be playing this to her under different circumstances. She had to find a way to do this. He was a decent man. The next few tracks passed in a blur - she’d not managed to pluck up her nerve to play the right song. The closest she had managed  was a scribble on a piece of paper “I need to talk to you”. She was absolutely consumed by the feeling now, a rising panic, she knew she was beginning to hyperventilate.

Finn could see Rae was getting herself in a real state and he decided to fall back on a track he used many times before. It could say a hell of a lot that words couldn’t.

“We all get wound up from time to time and I remember my nan singing this to me. You absolutely need to let the waves of this tune wash over you and soothe your pain. This is the only introduction you need… (his tone changed into a very soft tone”

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be”

He scooted over to Rae and tentatively moved his hand to lay on hers. He was relieved when she didn’t pull away but her breathing remained pretty fast.

Once again Rae’s mother’s words about quiet, kind, special people echoed in her head.

He could feel her hand shaking as she traced on his thigh. Except he he didn’t get it the first time and looked at her in confusion. The second time, was his turn to retreat from her touch as if burnt at her words. I’M PREGNANT.

Rae saw Finn’s reaction and this vindicated her decision to break up with him.

“You know when we’re young we often make wrong turnings, silly decisions and all that. But it’s important as adults to take the responsibility for our own actions and not try to pull others down with us. This song’s about  - well you read what you can into the lyrics - ‘cos I don’t have a bloody clue what they mean.  It’s Suede with “So Young””.

Finn sat there his brain hardly able to process what was going on.

“Erm, this is a song about when something’s just so overwhelming,  so complicated that you just want someone to ..

Catch me in another dream, I’m pulled away

Hold me, gently take me through another day

It’s Ride’s “Paralysed.””

Rae listened to the song and looked at Finn with his head in his hands. She knew by the way he was rubbing his palms against his face that he must be crying. Shit, she needed to let him know.

She grabbed a record “You know that feeling of being paralysed can go away, you might feel like you’re in midwinter and that you can only dream of summer but some people can TAKE AWAY YOUR  PROBLEMS AND MAKE THEM THEIRS (she said this with emphasis) so you don’t always need to dream about summer because it could be reality. It’s the Mamas and Papas with “California Dreaming”.”

She hurriedly scribbled something on a piece of paper and passed it to Finn. She hoped this would make him understand he was free and she had no intention of burdening him or holding him back.

“It’s my problem not yours. I don’t expect anything from you. I’ll deal with it and I don’t need your help”.

Finn looked at the the piece of paper. Had he really read it correctly? He read it again and was filled with revulsion. He actually thought he was going to be sick. He knew now that last slither in him was dead. At that moment the pain was indescribable as it was a mixture of so many different things. He wasn’t going to play another record but when he saw Rae casting around for something, he became determined to finish the show.

“Earl, I suggest you actually listen to the lyrics of this one because right now “How can it feel this wrong”.  then he mumbled “it’s Portishead’s “Roads””.

His tears were flowing now. He flicked the switch grabbed his record bag and started to make for the door. He could tear her voice thick with tears calling his name.

“Whether it sways your decision or not Rae I will support any child of mine in anyway possible and you through the pregnancy of course. But right now, Rae, I can’t stand to be in the same room as you.” With that he walked out of the building.

***********************************************************************

It was Archie’s turn to collect Rae. Chloe had tried to organise a rota so that Rae could be collected from any of her late night jobs as she didn’t want Rae walking home in the dark or catching night buses when she was still recovering from her virus.

When Archie had arrived, Rae hadn’t come out at her usual time and in the end he’d got bored of waiting and had gone inside. He’d wandered around and eventually found Rae sobbing in Steve’s office. Steve had an arm around Rae and was looking extremely perplexed. Archie sat down next to Rae and couldn’t get anymore sense out of her than Steve had. Steve mentioned that Finn had stormed out at the end of the show and it was evident that something was wrong throughout the show.

Archie decided the best thing to do was to get Rae home, so he went down to the studio where Rae had left her stuff and gathered up her coat and records and a few sheets of notes. He suspected Finn had been having a go at her for leaving him without a reason and whilst he couldn’t exactly blame Finn, he was also pretty narked with him for upsetting Rae when she still wasn’t well. He was stuffing the last of Rae’s papers in her bag when one slightly damp piece of paper had caught his eye. It was quite crumpled and he recognised Rae’s writing on it.

“It’s my problem not yours. I don’t expect anything from you. I’ll deal with it and I don’t need your help.”

Archie frowned - he had no idea what Rae was referring to but it worried him. Somehow he got Rae home to her flat. Chloe was home and they managed to park her on the sofa. Chloe went to pour three glasses of wine but Rae refused hers. Neither Archie nor Chloe managed to get much out of Rae other than “Why can’t he see I am doing the best thing for him?”

Chloe had her arm around Rae. “Rae is that why you dumped Finn because you thought it was the best thing for him?”

Archie frowned and was about to say something when Rae spoke; “I thought it would only be a matter of time before he…. he realised he …he’d meet someone like me.. you know someone who can banter with him, someone who likes music ……but someone who’s not like me….. someone who’s thin and pretty”.

Archie mouthed “Oh Fuck” at Chloe and Chloe swallowed. They both realised they’d underestimated Rae’s lack of confidence - both thought the Rae who met Finn was in many respects the most confident they had known her.

Chloe tried to soothe Rae and both she and Archie spent some minutes telling her how beautiful she was inside and out. Archie realised Finn was probably angry for her leaving him without reason but something wasn’t quite right. He reached into Rae’s bag and produced the piece of paper.

“Rae, I don’t want to pry or make things worse but is this note what set Finn off?”

Rae was really crying again as she nodded.  Archie couldn’t help himself “Rae is that what …” he stopped as he saw Chloe shaking her head at him but he had to continue even if it were for Finn’s sake more than hers “Is that what this note is about, you and Finn you know.. breaking up?”

Rae couldn’t’ feel anymore wretched than she did right now and it was with a subconscious move of her hand to her belly that she spoke “No… not exactly….I ….I’m pregnant”.

“OH FUCK” Archie said. Chloe reached round Rae to try and hit him for being so insensitive but Rae was almost fully cried out by now.

“Oh fuck indeed. It’s why I’ve been so sick and dizzy apparently.”

“When did you find out? How many weeks are you?” Chloe couldn’t help but rush her questions out.

“Doctor told me on Thursday.” Rae said quietly.. “Turns out they think I’m about 17 weeks……. which means it happened the first time we…..”

“I thought you took the morning after pill?”

“I did but I never bothered with the instructions did I… You’re supposed to take it within 48 hours and I took it nearly a week later……. and I so don’t want Finn being trapped by some girl he got pregnant …the first time…”.

Chloe and Archie’s eyes met.

“Rae, have you talked to Finn about this? “ Archie asked

“He said he couldn’t’ stand to be in the same room as me”.

“But does he know?”

Rae nodded.

Archie tried to soothe her but that didn’t sound like the Finn he knew. He felt that for once interfering was the best option but what the hell could he say that would not make things worse or look like he was taking sides?

Chloe had a similar idea. “Rae you know  if you’re pregnant your hormones are all over the place and it’s normal to be quite upset and then fine and then half an hour later you’re crying again. Don’t you remember when your mum was thought she was going through the change but she was actually pregnant  - all the tears and mood swings?”

Rae smiled “How could I forget that? Actually Chlo I feel a bit better knowing there is a reason why I feel like this - the doctor did tell me all this probably feels even worse as I’m so tired - he was surprised I  managed to work as much as I did and survive on so little sleep through the early stages.”

“You’re one tough cookie Rae. You’re probably as stubborn as Finn”. said Archie

“On the subject of Finn, how do you really feel about him? Do you really want things to be over between you?”

“I love him Archer but I can’t be with him. Even if I wasn’t pregnant, I can’t stand the thought of him finding someone else and moving on.”

“The best bit of advice I was ever given Rae was; “Don’t be afraid of shadows and live your life for today”. You can’t live your life based on “what if” scenarios - trust me Rae, I’ve been there - I pretended to be someone I wasn’t when I knew I was gay at college but I couldn’t tell anyone. It didn’t make me happy and it fucked up my friendship with Chop for a while. I’ve known Finn most of my life Rae and he’s not shallow, he’s one of the most genuine decent people I’ve ever known, even if he can be a grumpy sod at times.”

Rae sat still and thought. She was starting to feel stronger about things now she’s told people. And she wanted to be brave, if only even for the baby and so she tentatively took a baby step towards that;

“Alright, I suppose if I weren’t pregnant I would really want to be with him and try to make things work but I can’t lay this at his door. It’s my problem.

“Actually no Rae it’s his as much as yours” interrupted Chloe.

Rae didn’t want the others to think badly of Finn so in a small voice she said “Actually before he walked out of the studio, he said something like he’d support the child and me in the pregnancy too - that bit was before he said he couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I just don’t know what he really thinks about us but I know that he’s really upset.”

Archie just couldn’t help but defend his oldest friend;

“You haven’t asked him though have you Rae? You didn’t give him a chance to fight for your relationship, you unilaterally decided to close the door on that one and I know he’s very hurt by that.” Shit he’d said it now, but Rae didn’t react as Archie expected.

“I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I?” she said.

“Not necessarily but you need think through your options about the pregnancy too Rae.”

“There aren’t any options for me Chlo.”

“Are you sure… don’t you remember when I …..” Chloe had forgotten that Archie was there for a minute.

“Oh Chloe, I know how awful that was for you. That’s not an option for me, I think I’ve made my mind up Chlo, it’s not just a case of tablets now, it would be an operation and “ her hand instinctively went to her belly at this point “I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t”.

“We’ll be here for you Rae anything you need, anything I can do just let me know?” Archie said.

“You know I’m here for you babes.” Chloe added

Rae sighed. “I need to tell mum. She’s going to hit the friggin’ roof. But I need a plan for the next few weeks right now, I can’t keep working the hours I am and there’s the small of issue of  I’ve got nowhere to put a baby…. you know all that shit.”

“Rae you don’t just put a baby somewhere”.

Rae started to giggle “Yeah I suppose… I’m still getting used to the whole idea”.

****************************************************

Finn was in a terrible state when he got home. He bought a bottle of vodka and started to drink it on the sofa out of the bottle. When Chop and Izzy got in they found him singing “Let it be” with added hiccups.

“Oh Jesus, what the fuck Nelson?” Chop didn’t know whether to laugh or be angry with Finn.

“It’s Rae, you know my ex-girlfriend who only wants to be friends….hic….. right now I can’t fucking stand her Chop, she’s just…..”

Chop could see how wound up Finn was right now but he wasn’t quick enough to stop Finn from slamming his hand so hard on the table that there was a loud crack and the tabletop split.

“Fucking hell Finn. What the fuck is your problem?”

“Rae thinks she can just make decisions for me… she wants us just to be friends but she won’t tell me why  and now….. hic”, he took another swig of Vodka,  “Apparently it’s not my problem… but it is my problem you know…. and she’s told me she’ll deal with it…. but she won’t even let me have a say….. how is that right?”

“Finn slow down. It’s ok, I am sure we can sort this out.” Izzy sat down next to him and put an arm around him. “What is not your problem?… what are you trying to tell us Finn?”

“Rae’s pregnant”.

“Jesus Christ”.

“Chop that’s not going help” said Izzy.

Chop was quite angry on Finn’s behalf about the whole thing and the pair had ended up finishing the whole bottle of  vodka.

Chop and Izzy had spent the next couple of hours calming Finn down enough to get him into bed. They were both shocked at the news on one level but then as Izzy pointed out it explained an awful lot.

****************************************************

Archie had taken it upon himself to visit Finn on Sunday, if someone could get to the bottom of what Finn was thinking, in the absence of his nan, it was going to have to be him. Archie supposed if he failed he might have to call Gary but Finn was in his mid 20s now so  that seemed like a ludicrous suggestion but he saved it just in case.

Finn woke with a horrific hangover and spent at least 20 minutes being sick. When Archie arrived he still felt sick. When Archie tried to talk to him, Finn had told him to fuck off because he still felt sick and his brain wasn’t working.

“Well perhaps you might understand how Rae’s been feeling”.

Finn stopped his grumbling. “She’s told you then” he spat out.

Archie nodded.

“Well she’s made it clear she wants me to have nothing to do with her or the pregnancy. She made it clear it’s her problem to deal with. ….”

Finn stood up and grabbed his cigarettes “I need a smoke you coming out?” he asked grumpily.

Archie followed Finn onto the balcony.

“She’s no better than Alice, making decisions for me, without even asking me opinion….makes me feel fucking sick.”

“That’s the booze Finn making you feel sick. You’ve got to remember that Rae is in a state of shock, she only found out on Thursday and it’s a lot for her to take in, her hormones are all over the place.”

Finn swallowed, deep down he was really worried about her. “Is that why she’s been so ill, dizzy and sick and that?”

Archie nodded.

“I’m really worried about her Arch, but at the same time, I’m so angry I don’t know what to do….I broke the coffee table last night”.

“Thought that might have been you Nelson… how many times! Are you sure it’s anger Finn? Are you sure you’re not confusing hurt with anger?”

Finn started to shake a little, he was trying to hold things together, he bit his lip hard but that didn’t stop the tears. Archie walked up to him and placed his arms around Finn. Finn’s body started to shudder as he started to let go of what he’d desperately tried not to let out.

“I fucking love her. It’s never going to go away and I have to admit, we may not have chosen to have had a baby right now, but I would have supported her through it all, we could have been happy But it seems she doesn’t want me and she doesn’t want the baby either”.

“You could still be happy. Did she tell you she was not going to keep the baby”.

Finn looked at Archie through his lashes “The note”.

“Jesus Nelson the scribblings of a hormonal woman should not necessarily be take at face value”.

At that moment that tiny nameless slither which Finn had thought was dead, once again tried to make its presence felt. Finn still didn’t comprehend what it was or what it meant but he knew it was there and he was grateful for its presence.

Archie had tried to explain to Finn that he should talk to Rae and they should try to sort things out but Finn was adamant that Rae didn’t want him. In reality he was still hurting too much to talk to her.

***************************************************************

Rae had taken a week’s holiday from work to get her “plan” together. Linda came to stay and Chloe had been pleased to have the excuse to stay with Rich.

When Rae had told Linda her news, Linda had not hit the roof, she’d just nodded and asked Rae how many weeks gone she was. Rae was so shocked she’d asked her  mum why she wasn’t hitting the roof and Linda had told her she’d had her suspicions. They discussed Rae’s options at length and Linda was happy to support her daughter as best she could, after all she’d been very young when she’d had Rae.

Linda’s one condition (if you could call it that) was that Rae needed to talk to Finn properly about this. She had told Rae that she couldn’t possibly know what Finn really felt without actually asking him. She had recounted the story about how Finn had played with Jasmine and how she thought Finn would actually make a good father. This made Rae remember about Finn having covered her hospital radio slot and how he’d been with the children in the hospital and she felt crushed.

When Archie, Izzy, Chop and Chloe turned up for supper, they found Rae in tears again. Linda had explained that Rae felt she’d lost Finn for good but she didn’t believe that because from what she’d seen of Finn he was a kind, thoughtful man.

Archie had then explained to Rae that he didn’t think  things with Finn were lost but Finn was pretty hurt at how she’d broken up without talking to him. He went onto explain the whole context of Alice always making decisions for him and how Finn reacted particularly badly to this and how Finn was feeling quite used after Alice’s latest escapade.

This had set Rae off in tears; comparing herself to Alice and how she could never date anyone who was in the public eye and spent a good 10 minutes putting herself down and it was too much for Chop.

“For Fuck’s sake Rae, has Finn ever told you or given you any indication that he only likes skinny or pretty girls? He hasn’t has he. I know for a fact he finds you very attractive, do you remember the night you spent in his bed together with Archie? After you left, he had to spend most the morning in the fucking shower dealing with the boner that he’d got from sleeping next to  you”.

Rae gasped, her mother was here. Linda’s eyes might have widened but she liked where this was going so kept quiet.

“Oh and what about the time we thought you’d hurt yourself because you were screaming so much but it was actually Finn giving you a good time? Was he embarrassed or uptight that he’d been caught with you? No. Oh and what about the time Izzy prepared you a meal and left you two the flat but we came back to find you both asleep in bed; was he embarrassed then? Far from it Rae. Not to mention the countless times I’ve caught adjusting his trousers in public to hide his boners.”

“Alright, he fancied me but that’s very different to wanting to be with someone”

“It is. But I know he’s head over heals for you. He’s in a terrible state Rae because you just wanted to be friends. I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s never talked so much since he’s been with you. He was really happy, make no mistake.”

“Bollocks I’ve ruined it all. How am I ever going to to tell him how I feel, say I’m sorry, that I love him that I want him in my life…our lives”. she said crying.

Archie felt she was going back over familiar territory with this one but it made sense; “You have two hours to talk to him on Saturday night Rae but half measures aren’t going to work, you’ve got to be brave and go for it because right now he feels like you’ve thrown everything back in his face.”

**************************************************

Finn had managed to get down to London to play for two nights. James had once again offered him a full time post and this time Finn said he would consider it. He realised moving may be his only option.

He called Steve on Friday apologising for the previous week and said he really couldn’t face doing a show with Rae this weekend explaining that she’d dumped him and he’d behaved like an idiot. Steve had tried to persuade him to come in Finn had said he really couldn’t as it was too painful and he didn’t want the show to suffer as a result.

Steve had called Rae to tell her she was presenting alone. Rae panicked as her original plan she had formulated was not going to work. Chloe and Archie had tried to tell her it would be fine, they would ensure Finn would listen to the show but she was defeated.

That was until Linda put her foot down and told Rae not to lose this chance. She’d given a pretty empassioned speech about how Karim and her would not be together if she hadn’t put up a fight and wasn’t Finn worth fighting for?

*******************************************

Rae arrived at No Crap FM early, she went to discuss her plan with Steve as she didn’t want to be distracted during the show. While he didn’t want his show hijacked for personal use, Steve looked at her playlist and agreed, he also knew that some things were more important than sticking to a formula. Fuck management he thought.

Archie and Chop had managed to keep Finn in on the pretence of having a boy’s night. Chop had tuned the radio in so it was on in the background.

Rae’s first track had been St Etienne;s “Only love can break your heart”, when Finn heard this through the radio he had turned it up “Fuckin’ top tune this one.”

He then gone slightly pale when he realised that they were listening to No Crap FM as Rae’s unmistakable tones played out through the airwaves.

“Tonight’s all about telling the truth, being brave enough to express what you really feel. Be brave, I will if you will. I “Dare” you. one of my favourite tracks by Gorillaz”.

Finn grabbed a beer, the others noticed he hadn’t’ turned the radio off, he was thinking and listening.

“So its important that you say what you really really mean and not play games. Playing games is hurtful and wrong and can have unintended consequences. I am ashamed to say I’ve done it thinking it was ok because it was for the so-called right reasons. But I know its not ok and I am really sorry about it. This song is a reminder of that, It’s Joe South’s “Games People Play””.

Finn suddenly turned round and looked at the radio. This was not a song choice he’d expected from Rae - it was surprise.

“We’ve talked about what you shouldn’t do but what about what you should do? You should never be afraid to chase your dreams even if they seem far off. I’ve been so afraid of chasing my dreams in the past and it’s held me back. But if you really want something you should go after it with all your heart and soul, that’s what tonight’s all about.  It’s the beautiful and lovely “Chasing Rainbows” by Shed Seven.”

“Now you’re chasing your dreams, you need “True Faith” to stick at the chase, not to give up. Sometimes you need to preserve and let that person know you really care about them. You know when I was younger I really suffered with my self-confidence and I never thought I would find the day when I could be this brave and share these things with you and put it out there how I feel about someone - these lyrics describe that all - “I used to think that the day would never come”. I really hope my morning sun’s listening to this because I want to tell him that my life does depend on his sun.”

Finn loved this track, he sung along to the lyrics

“I used to think that the day would never come

I’d see delight in the shade of the morning sun

My morning sun is the drug that brings me near

To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear

I used to think that the day would never come

That my life would depend on the morning sun…”

Suddenly he stopped a frown on his face that slither was right near the surface now and it was trying to tell him something.

“This next one has to be on any play list about love. It’s worth noting that sharing a burden with someone you love can make it better. I’ve been the fool and played it cool and all its’ done is make my world a little colder. Right now I’m trying to play a sad song and make it better in my life. It’s “Hey Jude””.

“This next track’s for my morning sun to let him know, he’s “The only one I know” plus I know he loves this track. And let’s face it who could not love that vocal - or Tim Burgess for that matter - one of Indie’s hottest ever front men - he’s got great lips - don’t’ take my word for it you’ll just have to watch the video.”

Finn looked even more confused “Did Rae just say Tim Burgess has great lips on air?”

Archie and Chop nodded and Finn started to giggle “This is brilliant.”

“So if you haven’t guessed by now this show’s all about telling someone you love them and I’ve found the perfect song to do so. Yeah it’s definitely a mainstream song for this band - It’s the Cure with “Friday I’m in love”… oh shit I’ve just realised it’s Saturday….. whoopsie I must be hormonal or something and for the men out there, us girls can be really badly affected by our hormones, they can make us completely emotional and make bad decisions….. Better leave this one there!”

Finn’s eyes were wide right now.

“Because I’m all out about Love tonight - I am going to hope my sun can let that feeling grab him because I’m fairly sure it will leave him reeling like it has done me so people just “Let Your Love Flow” It’s the Bellamy brothers”.

Finn had started to realise this was all about him. He put his beer down and Chop and Archie shared a look - Finn had his serious face on - the one he made when he was concentrating.

“This song is about how someone can take you away from all the hard, difficult things in your life - it talks about happy childhood memories. I’ve always thought that rock gods would sing this to their children as a lullaby … I like that idea a lot - alternative lullabies for babies - it’s Guns N Roses “Sweet Child O’ Mine””.

Finn’s mind was in a total whirr. He sat there staring at the radio, desperate for what came next.

“This next song is sung by a lady with an incredible voice that really conveys the message well. The person who this song’s for needs to know “All WE need is the love you give” and it has been, and will always be, “Only you” - its’ Yazoo”.

Shit that “WE” had just slipped out.

It wasn’t lost on Finn. Who turned to Chop and Archie, “Please tell me I heard We and not I?”

They were initially confused and Finn got irritated whilst the song was playing. but he knew that slither was most definitely making itself felt, it was growing taking hold now.

Rae didn’t have too many songs left and after her previous “we” she decided it was time to be brave, to be strong, to fight. It was time for the big guns. She knew Finn liked to keep himself out of the public eye but this was not prime national radio. This was No Crap FM. And if she and Finn were going to have any sort of future, people were going to have to know that they were together. She took a deep breath - she knew what she had to play next - Finn had never really shared this record with her but she knew it was one of his favourites as she’d discovered one of  his crates had a number of well worn records in it and she recognised a number of his favourites in that crate along with this record.

“Right I am going to play a very special track for someone. It’s not a traditional or a mainstream love song but he’s not a very mainstream type of guy. Nelson, if you’re listening, I’ll “never have enough time to show you [my] love” … you’ll know this one well, it’s the ethereally beautiful “Vapour Trail” by Ride”.”

“First you look so strong

Then you fade away

The sun will blind my eyes

I love you anyway

Thirsty for your smile

I watch you for a while

You are a vapour trail

In a deep blue sky

Tremble with a sigh

Glitter in your eye

You seem to come and go

I never seem to know

And all my time

Is yours as much as mine

We never have enough

Time to show our love”

Finn sat there rooted to the spot listening to the music gently nodding his head, Archie saw a tear come out of his eye.  As soon as they song was finished Finn jumped to his feet.

“So which one of you fuckers is going to drive me to No Crap FM?”.

“I thought you were never going to ask!” said Chop giving Finn a massive punch on the arm.

“My girl was playing a track for me it would have been rude not to listen and savour every second… now let’s get the fuck out of here. You coming Archer?”

“You’re going to miss the rest of the show though Finn?”

“Stop being a dickhead, I need to see her - now.”

*******************************************************

When Finn arrived at No Crap FM, Rae was playing the last track - Wonderwall. He burst into the studio knowing full well he shouldn’t and threw his arms around her. For an instant Rae froze and then the tears came, tears of relief and happiness.

Chop suggested that he and Archie join them for a group hug.

“Fuck’s sake Chop. I think they might need some time together.”

Archie and Chop were still arguing over what they should do next - should they wait, should they leave money for a cab or should they all go out for a beer which Archie pointed out was a stupid idea, when Steve came out of the production room.

“Why don’t you two come up to my office for a beer or a cup of coffee. They probably should be left alone to talk.”

“You knew about what Rae had planned.” Archie asked.

Steve nodded… “You know they got together here, No Crap FM has seen them through their relationship so far.”

“Can we quit the serious talk , I need a beer” said Chop.

Steve laughed “Give me a second” and he put his head around the production office door “Dave just fuck off home - now”.

*******************************

Finn was stroking Rae’s cheek.

“I am so sorry I stormed out last week girl. I just felt for a bit like I didn’t know you”.

“No I should say sorry Finn I’m just so sorry about saying I only wanted to be friends…. because it wasn’t true.”

Finn swallowed. “You need to know Rae, I love you and that will never change.”

She smiled “yeah well I hope you get from my show that I love you. Though you must have missed Oasis and the Roses on your way here.”

He blushed  and swallowed “Rae it was amazing and very you tonight. But I realised it was also very me, very us. “ He paused for a second and bit his lip “Vapour Trail hey? The best choice you could ever have made.” He was going to ask her how she knew because he hardly ever played that record, not since his nan died but that could wait.

“No Finn it’s not. You’re the best choice ever”.

“Fuck that was cheesy girl” he said grinning.”Come here” he pulled her in tight so he could really hold her. He breathed in the scent of her hair “Jesus I’ve missed you Rae.”

“I’ve missed you Finn. This is all my fault” She started to cry. He gently placed a finger under her chin and picked it up so he could look her in the eyes when he spoke.

“Rae none of this is your fault. It would have better if we could have talked about this, but we both need to learn about these things. And the whole Alice thing was my fault_”

“No Finn it wasn’t - I don’t want to talk about her right now though”.

“Neither do I. Are you OK  though I mean - he gestured towards her stomach”.

She nodded “I’m getting there - just a major case of overdoing it, not listening to my body and a bad case of morning sickness.”

“I meant what I said girl, I’ll support you no matter what. “

“Thanks Finn”. She really needed to know what his thoughts were right now and she was thinking how to ask when she heard Finn swallow and take a deep breath.

“urm Rae, was that a deliberate use of the word “we” on the show, or “ he swallowed again “did I mishear ya?”

Without her music, Rae suddenly felt rather small and vulnerable but she had to do this and so she nodded her head and then looking at the confusion on his face she whispered “It was a proper “we” Finn”.

He smiled and shyly took her hand “does that mean?” he raised his eyebrows at her and bit the inside of his cheek.

She was nervous that perhaps this wasn’t he wanted after all, but she felt a tiny flutter in her stomach and wondered if that was the baby moving. She’d heard the heartbeat at the doctors and on impulse of that memory she grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly. “Our baby Finn”.

She could see the smile on his face. “Our baby”. He nodded and smiled and then pulled her in close. He cupped her face and looked at her before kissing her. He hadn’t meant to slip his tongue in but it had happened.

He noticed how Rae’s body lost its earlier tension and suddenly she was the one pulling him in.

She had unbuttoned his shirt before he’d even noticed and slid her hands up his chest. His breath had caught in her throat and before he knew what he was doing his hand reached out to touch one of her breasts. Their kissing became more intense and suddenly he pulled back.

“Erm Rae, I’m sure you don’t need me reminding you but you’re pregnant”.

“And Nelson? I might be pregnant but for some stupid reason I’m horny as hell.”

Finn sniggered “Ok” then he frowned “…but the baby”.

“On the basis that Jasmine is a perfectly well adjusted normal child, I think we safely say it’s not a problem.”

An image of Linda flashed through Finn’s mind and Rae laughed at his face as it contorted.

“Thanks for that Earl”.

She playfully punched him on the arm. “You’re only too welcome Nelson.”

Finn attempted to playfully punch her arm back but got her boobs instead. He apologised and Rae slipped a hand inside her shirt to massage the sore spot where Finn had hit her and in doing so somewhat unintentionally exposed rather a large amount of cleavage.

“sorr..” Finn stopped mid word and Rae looked up to see he was most definitely staring at her boobs with his mouth open, eyes wide.

“These girls really need new bras as they seem to be getting bigger everyday, I’m a bit worried that they might take over the world if they carry on at this rate.” Rae said.

Finn reached out a hand to gently cup a breast and splayed his fingers over it brushing Rae’s nipple and she groaned. “Finn” he looked at her “You don’t have to be that gentle” and grabbed his other hand and placed it on her other breast.

His lips were on hers and what started off as gentle kiss ended up all tongues and teeth with her biting his lip as he pulled her in very tight. She could feel how hard he was and she moaned loudly.

Rae pulled out of the kiss. “Finn I need to feel you…. I need for us to be as one… I’ve missed you”

“This is a studio and I’m not sure given.. you know”

“Nelson I think you’ll find our baby was conceived here”

His eyes blew wide open.

“We need to talk Finn but not now, please I’m more than sure”.

Finn kissed her again, this time without holding back, his hand snaked all over her body the effect he was having on her surprised him. He gently pulled her leggings down and as he did so he kissed from the waistband to the apex of her thighs lingering on her lower stomach. She slipped herself up onto the table and he found himself kissing her wet panties.

“Finn I need you”.

“Hang on” he turned around and flipped through the records and put on “Nowhere”.

Finn looked around, and unbuttoned his flies, he instinctively reached into his pocket for his wallet where he stored a johnny and then smiled and caught her eye, she was smiling at him too and shook her head “Bit late for that Nelson”.

He dropped his jeans and boxers and pulled her close. He was as gentle as was humanly possible and moved himself slowly in and out of her. Her body was so sensitive that even this made her start to clench.

Christ how was he ever going to last? Gently, he increased the pace and felt her start the rhythmic clenching he had felt from her in the past as she came undone, he couldn’t believe how he quickly followed her.  Christ he’d taken less than 4 minutes - he knew this as as the song wasn’t over.

He pulled out and kissed her. As he cleaned her up and pulled her leggings back on her paused to kiss her stomach.

“I fucking love you Earl”.

“Good thing Nelson because I fucking love you”.

He had pulled her into a tight embrace and they were dancing to “Vapour Trail” again because neither could get enough of the song, when Chop and Archie walked in.

“Come and dance with us” Rae asked.

The four made a circle with arms around each others shoulders smiling.

“I’m bloody glad you twos was dancing when we came in, thought we might find you shagging”.

“Chop” Archie tried to hit him but then his and both eyes caught Rae and Finn sharing a look.

“You dirty fuckers” Chop was next to Finn and started play wrestling with him, they ended up on the floor. Finn won out in the end sitting atsride Chop’s chest.

“You’re the daddy Finn let me go”.

“I am the daddy” said Finn with a smile on his face. He leant down and kissed Chop on the lips. “Fucking love you Chop”. Finn got up and kissed Archie on the lips “Fucking love you too Archer”. He came to Rae “But I really fucking love you” and kissed her.

He knew that slither was no longer a slither anymore, it had taken shape and was growing inside him like a strong sapling. But he still couldn’t quite put a name on it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT ALERT

Finn had taken Rae back to Chloe’s flat and despite her protestations, he had gone home to his flat. It didn’t seem like the right thing to do staying with Linda there. He hated going back to the flat but he enjoyed Chop’s company on the way home.

“So you and Raemundo - it’s really happening?”

Finn frowned “I think so but we need to talk properly like.”

“Yeah but you twos are perfect for each other.”

“It’s not that Chop, it’s just well - Look at me Chop. I’ve left Rae in her flat and and coming back to ours because there’s not enough space there for me and she needs her rest.”

“Rae can come and stay with us. You know she’s always welcome.”

“Thanks Chop. But …oh, I don’t know- …”

“What is it ya knobhead ? I know you’re no fucking good at saying what you mean but you can’t afford to get this wrong otherwise I’ll beat the crap out of you.”

Finn chuckled. “I’m worried about the pregnancy - could be tough on Rae and much as I love your flat Chopper, I think we might need our own space.”

Chop nodded “Sounds like a good idea.”

“And in any case, we couldn’t have a baby in either flat, it’s just not going to work. But I haven’t got a fuckin’ clue what to do. I don’t want to freak Rae out by suggesting we move in together so quickly but I don’t think she should be on her own either and….”

“Fuck’s sake Finn - just ask her what she wants. Never second guess a woman,”

Finn nodded. “Suppose…..And there’s the job thing, I’m really going to need the money now I have a little one on the way” he smiled at the thought. “It seems the money is in London but I don’t think Rae will want to move there …..it’s all so hard Chop”.

“That’s what being an adult is all about you dickhead. Making decisions, trying to make the right choices. It’s not easy you know Finn. Actually can I ask you something?” Chop looked nervous.

Finn frowned this was most unlike Chop, he was always so confident.

“It’s Izzy….” Chop swallowed “I was thinking of asking her, you know..” he said with the nod of the head.

“You’re going to have to do better than that Chop” Finn smiled.

Chop took a deep breath “Do you think she would say yes?”

“Fucking hell Chop! You’re thinking of asking Izz to marry ya?”

Chop nodded and frowned “What did you think I was going to say?”

Finn blushed “Doesn’t matter Chop. I think she’d marry you in a heartbeat. She’s crazy about you. “ Finn clapped Chop on the back.

**********************************************

Rae woke up and then realised Finn wasn’t there. She was quite tired and went to make a cup of tea only to find Linda had already made a pot and had it sat along with breakfast on the table.

“Oh Mum you didn’t have to. It’s not necessary” she groaned.

“It is necessary young lady. It’s not just you anymore, you’ve got that baby to think of”.

“Mum!” Rae said rolling her eyes.

“No Rae, not this time. You’re going to listen to me. You need to look after yourself to look after that baby. That means eating properly - not just quick snacks and microwave meals. I’ve looked through the cupboards and fridge - what do you and Chloe survive on?…. And you’re going to need rest and a decent amount of sleep. I’m not sure all these late nights are doing you any good”.

“If you hadn’t remembered I have to work three nights a week.”

“Maybe you should give up those jobs and stick with the library and cafe.”

“For fuck’s sake I’m not 16, I’m 24 mum. This is ridiculous. It’s only 2 nights at the Dolly and the show.”

Linda was about to say something back but thought better of it. Rae was right she had every right to make her own decisions and Linda knew from years of battling it out, she was better off not telling Rae not to do something as it would often make Rae do that anyway.

“So how’d it go last night love?”

Rae smiled. “Finn came to the station. He told me he’d be there for me and the baby” she blushed remembering what happened. “He said he loved me mum.”

“So where’s he now?” Linda said looking confused.

“He insisted I need to sleep properly and so he went back to his flat. He’s working today.”

“He’s a gent that one Rae. But this can’t go on like this. You’re living like students. You really need to be together… I mean what on earth are you going to do once the baby is born? You can hardly stay here.”

Rae nodded “I don’t know mum. aghhhhhhhhh……….. I don’t know what to do. It all seems to be moving so quickly.  What if Finn doesn’t want to move in with me yet? What if this all wears off when he realises what all of this means in reality?”

“Rachel Earl. Finn Nelson’s a special man who deserves far more credit than you give him. You need to talk this through with him. Make no mistake, babies are hard work and so are relationships but they can be amazing and things can work out. Just look at me and Karim.”

“I’m scared mum”. Rae frowned.

Linda placed her hand over Rae’s “Course you are love. But you’ve got to try for that baby’s sake even if not for your own”.

*******************************

Finn did not want to go to work. It felt wrong to be going to work when all he wanted to do was be with Rae. But another part of him was really scared. What if he mucked things up this time, the stakes were far higher now. The pressure of needing to get things right was getting to him and he found himself smoking twice as much as usual. Shit - he’d have to give up. There’s no way he’d smoke near Rae now and he sighed. This was much harder than he thought it would be - especially looking at all the things he’d never thought of.

But he knew one thing and that was he loved Rae and so he knew he was going to try his best to get it right. But part of him was terrified. He felt that the responsibility for getting things right had to lie solely with him and he had to make it work.

**************************************************

Finn left work knowing he had a mere three hours before he would need to leave and go to his slot on local radio. By the time he had got home and got his vinyl sorted out for his show, had a quick shower and eaten some baked beans on toast, he had used up over an hour. By the time he got to Rae’s he knew he had little over an hour before he needed to leave again.

As he walked up to ring the flat’s doorbell, he was hit by this odd feeling. It left him absolutely reeling as it was so overwhelming to the extent that he had to sit on the pavement head between his knees. He lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. He started to calm down after he’d taken his 4th drag and noticed a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and moved rapidly away as if blinded.

“Rae -  please don’t come near me”. He could see the hurt and pain in her eyes. Fuck, why did he phrase it like that.

“The smoke - it’s no good for the baby”.

Rae looked at him and frowned. “For fuck’s sake Finn s a tiny bit of second hand smoke isn’t going to make much difference. I’ve been working in the Dolly, not to mention all the nights out I’ve had. I really don’t think sitting next to you is going to make that much difference. ”

“Well perhaps you shouldn’t be working in clubs anymore Rae.” Fuck why had he said that? That was such a knobbish thing to say.

“What the fuck Finn?”

He stood up and made to apologise to her but she was stood in a defensive position arms crossed in front of her chest.  “Sometimes I think I don’t know you at all Finn.”

With that she turned and walked back into the flat shutting the door.

He felt sick. Why could he not just sort this out. He thought about ringing the bell but instead he lit another cigarette and headed towards a pub, any pub would do. He downed his pint in one and ordered another lighting yet another cigarette. Why did he keep on fucking things up? Why was this so hard? He was pulled out of his thoughts, by another hand on his shoulder. He turned around hoping to see Rae but was faced with a pretty but pneumatic brunette.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Finn stood there looking confused, frowning and raising his eyebrows.

“Come on. You’ve got to know you’re fit as …”

“And what if I am?” He wasn’t sure where he was going with this one.

“You sweet thing… come on what do you want to drink. My date’s stood me up and it looks like you could use some company too.”

Finn shook his head “Nah you’re alright.”

“Oh” The brunette’s face fell and Finn moved from utter revulsion and distaste to feeling like a bit of dick and he felt he needed to say something.

“Me pregnant girlfriend’s at home but thanks all the same. Just having a quick one you know.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I expect you’ll be wanting to get back to her. Sorry again.” She blushed.

Finn felt like a complete bell-end - what was he doing there? That girl had been right though - he wanted to go and see Rae but he had to go to work. He sighed and made his way across town.

He finished his show just after midnight. He knew he couldn’t turn up at Rae’s flat at that time of night - Rae would be asleep and he didn’t want to wake her. He also doubted that Linda would wake up and even if she did wake up he doubted that she’d let him in.

***********************************

Linda had once again prepared breakfast and a pot of tea for Rae when she got up. She knew Rae had not had a good night and had tried to talk to her about her tears the previous evening which she knew related to Finn. She suspected it had something to do with their lack of living arrangements or something similar but she didn’t want to interfere. They needed to work things out in their own time, at their own pace. But she swore to herself she would get involved if things weren’t sorted before the baby was born.

Linda decided not to bring up the subject of Finn with Rae. Rae had a couple of appointments to go to that day and Linda decided it would be easiest without tears over Finn.

Rae had to go to a midwife’s appointment to be “booked in”. They had to complete a lot of paperwork and forms. The basic information gathering exercise about her address, date of birth etc was easy enough if a little tedious for Rae. The midwife had then asked Rae about her health in general and whether Rae had ever had any stays in hospital. Rae was silent, she realised that she’d never told Finn exactly what had happened all those years ago when she was at college. That set off feelings of panic - what if he couldn’t cope with that knowledge or what if that made him think differently of her?

Rae could feel her pulse starting to race, making her perspire slightly and her breathing shallow. She could feel thoughts rushing into her mind like the the blood rushing around her body and pounding in her ears. She started to count to ten in her head but the feeling of panic was so entrenched that her favourite trick had not worked. She started to count again and suddenly she could hear something.

She realised it was her mother’s voice. “Rae, are you feeling dizzy again?”

Rae nodded, then she shook her head and took a deep breath. “About the hospital thing, I was in a psychiatric unit for four months in 1996”.

She hung her head. The midwife then asked her her about it and explained how that might put her at higher risk of having postnatal depression. She knew the midwife was explaining things about additional support and health visitors and other such things but the words were muffled and distorted as if she were underwater.

“So we also need to talk about birth plans” the midwife said “For example, do you want the father to be with you in the delivery room or do you want a different birthing partner?”

“Birthing partner?” Rae frowned, her voice had come out high pitched and strained. Suddenly the dam broke spilling her earlier feelings panic rushing through her. Rae stood up, the primal instinct to flee had taken hold.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now” and she ran out of the room, the foyer and the front door onto the street. She tried to breathe the cold fresh air to help her calm down. But this time it wasn’t working, this time the panic continued on rising to the point where she thought she might drown. As her mother came out of the surgery, the instinct completely took hold of Rae and she started off running with no destination in mind. It was just her feet carrying her. She didn’t hear her mother’s cries behind her.

************************************

Linda didn’t know where to go or where Rae might be. So she tried the cafe and library as they were the only two places she could think of. She returned back to the flat hoping that Rae might have calmed down and come home by now. It was dark and cold and Linda was desperately searching round for a phone number for one of Rae’s friends. She tried Chloe’s mobile number which was on the whiteboard in the kitchen area of the flat but had no answer - Chloe must still be at work.

Then a number caught Linda’s eye - it was a girl called Izzy and she was fairly sure Rae had been to college with an Izzy. She remembered a petite redhead who had occasionally visited. Linda was relieved to hear a voice at the other end of the phone this time.

“Hello are you Izzy?”

“Yes”

“Are you a friend my Rae’s? I am Rae’s mum Linda.”

“Yes I am that Izzy “ she giggled.

“Oh good. I need your help. Rae’s sort of had a bit of a moment and well the daft cow hasn’t come home yet and I don’t know where she is.”

“Oh I see.”

Linda’s tone changed. “You know she’s pregnant don’t you? It’s just I am really worried about her and I don’t know where she’d go.”

“Oh, yes I do about the pregnancy. Try not to worry Mrs Bouchetat, I’ll speak to Chop my boyfriend and Archie and we’ll go looking for her.”

“What about Finn?”

“You mean Finn doesn’t know where she is?”

“No love, Finn doesn’t know she’s gone walkabouts and I’m not sure whether or not he should know as they seem…. well they upset each other last time they spoke I think.”

“Oh shit. He’ll go crazy……”

“Well where is he then - it seems they hardly ever see each other?”

“He has 4, no 5 jobs. And I hope you don’t mind me saying but I think Finn needs to know. He’s really in love with Rae and I know he’s hopeless at saying what he means and he can be grumpy… but he is the most genuine lovely person and ….”

“You’re right. Sorry love I was just worried about Rae. You tell him for me and call me on Chloe’s flat number if there is any news.”

*******************************

Izzy called Chop at work. Chop decided to go and collect Finn from the record store while Izzy called Archie on his mobile.

Archie called Dan the two decided to split up. Archie would call in at Chloe’s shop hoping to catch her before she left for home and Dan would try all the cafes that he knew Rae liked. It seemed like a complete long shot but neither had any better ideas.

Chop made it to the record shop just as Finn was closing up. Chop tried to explain gently that Rae had gone walkabouts a couple of hours previously and Linda was worried. He’d had to physically restrain Finn to stop him from running off before he finished explaining where the others had gone.

Finn and Chop searched together, they tried all sorts of places - the library, the park and their flat. Finn even called in at No Crap FM but Rae wasn’t there either. As agreed with Izzy they all met back at the flat at 7:30pm. Finn was disconsolate and whilst the others were discussing what to do next, he went out for a cigarette but the first wasn’t nearly enough to still his nerves, to help him think, to question, to decide what to next, so he lit another. By the time he was smoking his fourth cigarette Finn realised his feet were treading the well worn path to the cemetery.

He knew that more than anything else he needed his nan’s advice right now. He kicked a wall as he realised his only option was talking to a headstone but at the same time he knew he would feel peaceful there and that might help him think and help him to understand why he kept getting it so wrong.  

Finn walked through the cemetery, recalling the time he “introduced” Rae to his nan and a tear fell. He started off talking quietly at the gravestone.  Then something gave and a tidal surge of emotion overwhelmed him.

The tensions of the last few weeks hit him hard along with the realisation he was going to be father and his girlfriend was out there somewhere in the night - maybe with a friend but maybe she was on her own and afraid. And right at that moment he understood how very afraid he was. The feeling was so strong he dropped to his knees and his incoherent train of thoughts spilled out as words.

“Oh nan, I don’t know what to do. You know Rae - I love her so much. But I keep saying the wrong thing………. I don’t know it’s not just that……. it’s like it was meant to be hard for us. We never get to see each other because of work…. and we do see each other it’s not as if we can have much time alone either…….. And now, well I’m going to be a dad. Yeah me a dad!” he paused at this point as the words had choked him.

“And I might have acted like a dick for a bit because I was scared and because it was a shock. But I want us to be together, to be a family more than anything. But I don’t know how to make it work, nan I don’t…… And I’m just so worried about Rae….. you know I love her more than anything but because of me, I don’t know where she is and …. and …”

Finn started to sob openly now, tears falling down his face, his head hung low.  The emotion was so raw and so painful that he was past thought. He felt what he thought was a hand on his shoulder, he told himself he was imagining things, ghosts don’t exist. But the hand didn’t vanish and his tears started to slow. He wasn’t sure how long he had been crying at that point.

“Finn”.

His heart missed a beat. He was momentarily paralysed, unable to turn around.

“Finn?”

No he hadn’t imagined it. He stood up and turned around and pulled her in impossibly tight to him. The tears starting again. She was rocking him from side to side now, as he tried to get a grip. He could feel her crying too and was powerless to comfort her other than to continue the rocking motion and rubbing her back. Eventually he was able to speak.

“Girl, thank Christ you’re ok. I ….I …. I was shit scared Rae… where’ve you been? …..I don’t understand ….I mean I’m sorry if it was me…………………..how long have you been here?”

“I’m sorry Finn. It’s not your fault. It’s me, I think … I don’t know…it was …..Finn I’ve been here for a couple of hours…. sat on the bench, just thinking.”

“Oh”… He realised she’d heard every word he’d said. Then his brain snapped back into action. “Jesus Rae you must be freezing, we really need to get you inside and get you a hot drink….fuck… this can’t be good for the baby.”

“Finn I’m ok.”

“Rae I’m not taking  for an answer. If you don’t want me to stay then ….. then I’ll go” he swallowed.

“No Finn. I want you there……. but………….I need to tell you something-”

“You know you can tell me anything girl.”

“I don’t know Finn…” her tears started to fall now “you might not want to be there anymore if I tell you.”

Finn’s brow furrowed, what could be that bad? He pulled Rae’s hand into his own and started stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. “Girl, whatever it is, I won’t leave you, I promise. But Rae, would you mind terribly if we didn’t go back to yours?”

Rae smiled, “You’re not frightened of my mother are you Nelson?”

“Nah, it’s not that Rae.. come on let’s get moving it’s cold.”

They started walking hand in hand towards town. Finn had taken his leather jacket off and put it around Rae even though she was already wearing a coat. Finn suddenly changed from the route Rae expected him to walk back to his flat. He stopped and pulled her into a tiny cafe.

“Right what you having to eat girl?”

Rae frowned “Er, I don’t know.”

“You feel up to eating?”

She nodded.

“How’s about a jacket potato with cheese and beans? I’m going to have one.” She smiled at him.

Finn returned from the counter with two steaming mugs of tea. Rae sipped hers and pulled a face.

“You need the sugar girl, drink it up.”

“Finn, we need to talk. I need to tell you about ….”

“I know girl, we will talk. Just let’s eat first and I need to make a couple of calls.”

She nodded and smiled as he went off to use a payphone outside the cafe. She drank her tea and she enjoyed the hot sugary taste, it was soothing and she yawned.

Finn came back in and kissed her on the cheek.

“How many calls did you make Nelson? Or have you suddenly developed a love of chatting on the phone”.

“Oi you..” he playfully swatted her hand. “Actually I’ve phoned ya mum to let her know you’re ok. She was really worried you know - we’ve all been looking for you.”

“Oh god I’m such a twat. Sorry”

“It’s fine girl. And I’ve called work to tell them I’m not coming in.”

“Finn you didn’t have to.”

“I did have to. Rae we need to talk properly, we never get the time, or when we are together someone else is always around.”

“So we’re going to talk here then, are we Nelson?” She said frowning.

“Don’t be daft. I’ve sorted something out - that was the third call.”

She raised her eyebrows at him. But the food had arrived.

“Come on girl eat up, you’ll find out in good time.”

Rae was genuinely very hungry and ate all her food quite quickly so Finn ordered her pudding which made her laugh as it was spotted dick with custard.

They left the cafe hand in hand sated and warm.

*********************************************

As they neared their destination Rae realised she’d been to this part of town before. What surprised her more was that Finn had a key to the house.

Finn ushered her through to the living room and switched the gas fire on. Rae was staring at Finn.

“Suppose you’re going to ask why I have a key to Rich’s house”.

Rae nodded and sat down.

“When you were ill girl, Rich and I went out a few nights…. and I always crashed in his spare room..”

“Finn I’ve crashed out at plenty of people’s houses when I’ve been pissed and they’ve not given me a spare key.”

Finn sighed and smiled. He thought about whether he should share this with Rae but he felt he had to be honest now.

“After you told me you just wanted to be friends…” he sighed “I got meself in a bit a state one night and Rich brought me back here. I was so plastered I had to lie down so Rich put me in the spare room and I was still upset and working meself into a real state so Rich lit a spliff and…. I don’t know how many we shared but we talked most of the night. We must have both passed out at some point as”…Finn blushed.

Rae started to giggle “You and Rich smoked spliffs and passed out sharing a bed” she shook her head “why does that not surprise me!……What were you about to say Finn? Before I started laughing?”

“Doesn’t matter Rae.”

“It so does Nelson, spill the fucking beans”

“Alright…. you asked for it. I might have woken up sorta you know hugging Rich”

Rae couldn’t contain her laughter.

“Shame I wasn’t in the middle of that sandwich”

“Rachel Earl! I thought Rich was like a brother to you!”

“Only teasing Nelson. That is classic but I don’t get why he gave you a key. Are you that good at hugging?” She said raising her eyebrows at him.

“Rae, Rich is like me big brother. He’s really looked after me and talked to me and well apart from you he’s the only person I can really talk ta. I didn’t know what to do with meself while… when we were just “friends”. And I spent a lot of time here,and then again after you told me you was pregnant. Do you have any idea what that did to me girl?”

Rae hung her head. “You looked horrified Finn”

“I was in a state of shock. Fuck’s sake Rae. I didn’t know what to do. Your note sounded like you didn’t want me and I thought….I thought”

“What is it Finn?”

He took a deep breath. “You wrote “deal with it” and when I read that it sounded like you meant…and it panicked me. Not that it was my decision ‘cos it’s your body.”

“Oh” Rae started to cry. “You know I didn’t mean that don’t you. I mean I did think about it but I couldn’t Finn. It’s our baby and even though it’s going to be really hard, I just know I want this baby.”

“I know girl. It’s ok shushhh”.

Finn sat next to her. He picked up her hand in his and stroked her palm with his thumb.

“You know you said you wanted to tell me something earlier?”

Rae swallowed and nodded. “Today when I was at the midwife’s they were asking all sorts of questions you know the usual date of birth and address crap and then they asked me if I had ever been ill and spent time in hospital…..”

Finn looked up at her but knew she needed to speak in her own time without interruption. She was clearly struggling and it was hard for him as he wanted to tell her it was alright he wasn’t going to run, to leave.

“Finn I’ve been in hospital before for a few months………..it wasn’t a normal hospital though……because I wasn’t ill in the normal sense……………………when I was 16, I - I…..I tried to ……………I was in a really bad place Finn and I …… I used to hurt myself and I ….I took it further and……I had to stay in ….a psychiatric unit” .

Rae was staring at the floor now, pale and silent, tears streaming down her face. Eventually she broke the silence:

“Isn’t this where you tell me that we’re not going to work out, that I’m not fit to be the mother to your baby or something?”

“Jesus Rae no” Finn quickly pulled her into him, her head against his chest “why would I girl? Why would I do that when I love you with all my being?”

He could feel her fear and it hurt him that she thought he would leave her after such news.

“But I’m scared Finn. Apparently I am high risk for some sort of depression you have after the baby is born and what if I’m not a good mother and then..”

“It’s alright Rae. I’m here. We’ll just take things one step at a time. I know there’s a lot for us to think about and sort out. But we can’t be afraid of the what ifs now girl. That’s not going to help us. And  I don’t mind that you’ve got stuff Rae - whether in your past, now and I won’t mind if you have stuff in the future. We’ve all got stuff. I mean you know I talk to my nan’s grave……. and Rich well he’s got stuff too.”

“He told you about being married?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah he did. Look Rae, we just need to work through these things together. Becoming a parent well there’s no manual, no easy way, we just need to keep talkin’. But please Rae, please no more running off”.

She nodded.

“So er how many months until, until I become a dad?” he bit his lip.

“Finn I meant it last week - given I’m about 19 weeks, the baby must have been conceived at No Crap FM in the studio”.

Finn started to grin “Pretty appropriate for us I suppose. And you’ve got to admit Earl it was a bloody amazing that night.”

“Finn really!”

“I was just saying. So this midwife thing?”

“Yeah well I sort of ran out of there …..She was talking about birthing partners and shit. I couldn’t take it after the stuff about the hospital. ……………. Finn there’s so much to think about, we don’t even live together and there isn’t room at either of our places for the other to move in…..”

Finn nodded. “I know girl. I’ve been thinking about that and you need to give me a bit more than a week to sort things out but I promise I will. But I’ve got a lot to sort out with work and everything.”

“You don’t have to do it alone Finn.I may be able to help?”

He smiled “Yeah we’ll talk about that once we’ve had some sleep. Look would you like me to go to your appointments with you?  I am worried about you and our baby. It’s also my responsibility Rae.”

“Look Finn , I didn’t mean for you to get tied down into this…”

“I was the one that forgot to put a johnny on, because I was so overwhelmed by ya”

“But that doesn’t have to mean…”

“Rae it does and I want to. I want our baby, I want us to be a family……” he swallowed “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more…. not even seeing Oasis at Knebworth”

“You cheeky bugger” she hit him playfully “You really mean that?”

He nodded “I am completely totally and utterly in love with ya Earl and …..I might even be a teensy bit excited about becoming a dad.”

“Oh my god Nelson!”

“…….Actually Finn can I ask you something?” He nodded “You never finished telling me about why you’ve got Rich’s spare key.”

Finn smirked.

“Alright then Rae….if you must know - after you told me about being pregnant I might have come here again and spoken to Rich, for some hours. You know he really cares about you Rae? Don’t you? Anyway ….for some reason I’m ok here Rae, no memories of Alice and ….being in my flat was difficult after you broke up with me too Rae… this place it’s just calmin’. And we might have had another night you know smoking spliffs and he gave me a key in the morning….he said if I needed to get away… I could use it at any time.”

“Did you two share a bed again?” Rae asked with a cheeky grin on her face.

Finn blushed and nodded. “We kind of talked so long I must have fallen asleep.”

Rae laughed and her expression changed. “Actually, Finn I’m glad you’ve got someone to talk to about all of this, I know you’ve got Chop and Archie too but Rich’s ….well he’s”

“He’s just different Rae and he’s been there with a lot of this stuff and he gets it Rae.”

Rae nodded. She wondered what Rich had told Finn. She knew Rich had been married before and the relationship had ended badly but she wasn’t really sure why. She shook the thought out of her head - that was not her place to know - Rich would tell her if he wanted to.

“So when’s he coming back tonight then?”

“He’s not.  I called him from the cafe - he’s sorting things out with Chloe and your mum. He’s given us the time and space to talk Rae, without fear of interruption or you know…he thought it might be helpful..”

“He’s a bloody good mate.”

Finn nodded and looked at Rae.

“Girl you look really tired, we can talk more in the morning but you must want to sleep.”

Rae nodded.

“Come on then” he held his hand out for her and took her upstairs to the spare room. It was quite sparsely furnished with a futon on the floor and Rae noticed a box of vinyl on the floor and a record player and she looked at Finn.

“I might have left some of my vinyl here.”

“Thinking of moving in with Rich were ya?”

Finn sniggered “Not with Chloe around, those two ….well “

“Urghhhhhhhhhhh no more. Much as I love Chloe.”

Finn pointed Rae towards the bathroom and he undressed down to his boxers and t-shirt. He was nervous, he could feel he was a little unsteady on his feet. Rae came back through wearing only her knickers and a vest with no bra. Finn swallowed thickly. He really shouldn’t be thinking like this, she was pregnant after all. He looked at the floor trying to will his body not to react.

“Finn?” Rae frowned. She was confused at why he was standing there not looking at her and her words just slipped out “Can’t you bear to look at me - is my pregnant body that ….that…”

She was getting upset now and turned to walk out and get herself dressed in the bathroom when she felt his hand tug on hers.

“Quite the opposite Rae. You bloody well know how my body responds to your half naked body but ….look I don’t know ….well you’re pregnant and I don’t want you thinking I’m some horny idiot who can’t control his erm,…”

Rae started to giggle. “I’m pregnant Finn, not ill. I don’t have a problem with ..” she turned round…”this” she patted her stomach which was a little more prominent than it had been “but these are getting silly” she said cupping her breasts knowing full well what this would do to him. “I mean look at them Finn”.

Finn stood there not quite sure what to do his mouth slightly open. He dragged his eyes upwards from her breasts and looked at her eyes biting his lip hard because he was sure anything that would come out of his mouth at that moment would either be twattish or complete gibberish.

“Finn “ her voice was quieter, less confident now “Finn do you still find me….I mean do I still look ok?”

Finn realised right now she needed his reassurance and if she needed that he’d try to show her in the best way he knew how. Finn pulled her in tight and starting planting feather light kisses up her neck all the way from her collarbones up to her ear and across to her mouth. When he got there he bit her lip and then sucked her bottom lip between his two.

“Do you really want to know the answer to that Rae?” he said gruffly. She nodded.

“Alright but you’ve got to tell me if ….if it’s too much” he said gently touching her stomach. She swallowed and nodded.

Suddenly Finn was kissing her hard and insistently. He pressed his body so hard against hers that she had to step back against the wall. Finn’s lips moved from her mouth, down her neck and down to the skin above her breasts. He deftly slipped the straps of her vest off her shoulders to expose her breasts. He groaned and his mouth traced all over the skin of her neck and chest. His tongue found her nipples and she groaned as he licked and bit, her palms flat against the wall.

“Rae” he growled “bed now girl”. He helped her down and quickly rolled half on top of her. She could feel his erection pressed firmly against her thigh and reached between them to grasp it.

He grunted  “That’s your answer Rae….”

His hands slid under her knickers, teasing her as he bit and sucked at her neck and her shoulders and then he kissed her on her mouth. She writhed under his touch and ran her fingers over his chest. Everything was forgotten but the two of them and the sensations they gave each other.

Suddenly Finn had pulled her on top of him. She wondered if she’d hurt him as he whimpered as she guided him inside her. Neither said a word as their bodies moved in rhythm - Finn driving his hips up to meet her, eyes glazed and his hand sought out her sensitive areas. At some point she fell deeply over the edge and forgetting where she, she let her release out loudly at length. Finn had forgotten just how incredible that sounded and followed her groaning loudly.

“Oh shit Finn” Rae blushed

“What? Have I forgotten to put a johnny on?” he smirked.

From her position she was able to swot his chest quite effectively “Ha fucking ha ha Nelson. ….Ya div this is Rich’s house and  er…”

Finn grimaced and started to laugh “Aye well let’s hope his neighbours are sound sleepers.”

Rae rolled onto her side and Finn snuggled in behind spooning her with his body.

“Right girl time for some sleep yeah?”

“Yeah…and Finn…thanks for everything…today I mean and..”

“You don’t ever have to thank me girl, ya know I want ta”.

He kissed the back of her head and his hand slid over her waist and round to her lower stomach. For that moment he felt happy and content.

He thought back to that slither that had grown into a sapling, he knew it was growing stronger still.

***************************

Finn woke up in the morning, with Rae still in his arms. He smiled and looked at the clock - he knew he wasn’t going into the record shop but he had a gig in London that night. He thought he should just call James and cancel it and then realised he should talk to Rae about it. He also need to apologise for that stupid comment he’d made about her not working anymore.

Finn nestled his head against Rae’s neck, breathing in the scent of her hair. His hand automatically reached up to stroke it.

Rae moaned groggily and then opened her eyes. She could feel Finn behind her. He was so warm and she didn’t want to get up so she snuggled back into him.

“Oh” She said and then she smirked to herself as she remembered the first night the two of them had spent alone in his bed. She wriggled slightly, not quite sure whether he was fully awake or not.

“Ahh… Rae” he groaned “You’re going to have to umm.. fuck just give me a minute will ya?”

“Oh have you got to get up?”

“I’m up already Rae….. sorry” He laughed.

She giggled and grabbed his hand placing it between her legs….. “Shame not to use it Nelson.”

“Jesus Rae….”

********************************

Finn had made them both breakfast. They were both quite hungry after their earlier exertions.

After Rae had eaten, Finn decided he should talk to her again.

“Rae I’m really sorry what I said the other day about you not working in clubs. I shouldn’t have said it, it’s your choice girl.”

“It’s ok Finn. I get it now but you need to let me make up my own mind. I was thinking I’d like to do one night in the Dolly still, for a while at least.”

“That’s cool with me.”

“Cool? We are so not in the 80s.” she giggled.

“Rae on the subject of work…..I’m meant to be going to London tonight you know to DJ and ….” he broke off.

“Finn, it’s fine. I know it’s important to ya.”

“Yeah but you’re more important. Rae”

She smiled “I know the money’s better in London and I suppose we need to think about all of that now”.

He nodded. “I’ve been offered a couple of jobs in London Rae but I don’t know about moving, I think I’d rather just go down for a couple of nights a week.”

“If you need to work in London, then you need to work in London.”

“I’d rather be with you Rae. But I think you need your friends and everyone up here too so I’m not going to take a full time job down there”. He said squeezing her hand.

They talked more about whether they should rent a house, a flat or where they could live. Neither could identify an easy solution so they left the topic quite quickly unwilling to sacrifice some precious alone time. Finn put on some music and they sat listening to it.

In the end he’d persuaded her to call the midwife and make another appointment later that week. She wasn’t quite so terrified at the thought of it knowing he would be there.

Rae insisted on doing her slot on hospital radio so Finn waited for two hours listening to her show and just sitting there patiently, making her a cup of tea and trying to avoid a stream of people wanting to talk to him. He still couldn’t cope with the fact people recognised him in public now. It may not have been that many but as far as he was concerned none would be better. He was also still getting calls asking him to model or other such strange things. If answered the phone he always pretended to be someone else and took messages for “Finn Nelson”.

Finn walked Rae back to Chloe’s flat arm in arm. They stopped to watch the sunset and he couldn’t help but pull her close and kiss her forehead, his arm around her shoulders at this point. His free hand made it’s way to her stomach of its own course.

“Ya know how much I love ya girl?”

She nodded “It’s a good thing ‘cos love you too”.

Back at the flat, Chloe had hugged her friend and they’d gone into her room and Rae decided to talk to Chloe about how she felt. Chloe was relieved that Rae was opening up to her, as she knew Rae needed to be able to talk to someone other than Finn at times and that really left her and Archie as the only real candidates.

Finn spoke to Linda and tried to explain as best he could that he was sorting things out for them but he needed time. Linda agreed but she impressed on Finn the importance of having their own space together, not just a couple of snatched hours in someone’s spare room. Finn told her he was going off to London but would be back the following day.

Linda said she thought best that she went home the following day as playing musical beds was not easy - she explained that Rich had offered to sleep on the sofa so she could stay in Chloe’s room but in the end she’s stayed in Rae’s room and Chloe and Rich in Chloe’s room.

“Look Finn, I do like you and I think you’re good for our Rae but this flat, well you can hardly swing a duck in it can you. This is no place for a baby even though Chloe had told her she was prepared to let him and Rae rent it and she’d move in with Rich.”

This was the first Finn had heard of Chloe’s offer and while he was grateful, he had to agree with Linda, the flat wasn’t the right place for them. Before he left Linda passed him a book.

He said his goodbyes and went off to London duffle bag in hand.

****************************************************

Rich met Finn off the train when he returned from London. Finn was tired and groggy from a lack of sleep and then dozing off on the train and initially, wasn’t quite sure if he was seeing things.

Rich clapped Finn on the back “Good to see ya”.

“Yeah you too Rich. What you doing here?”

“Came to meet you. Chlo and I have been talking.”

“Oh so you’ve actually stopped shagging long enough to talk?” Finn smirked at Rich.

“Oi you cheeky git. You’re a fucking fine one to talk.”

The two laughed at this and started meandering back towards town.

“Thing is Nelson, Chlo’s agreed to come and spend 3 weeks in Ibiza with me and my house will be empty so why don’t you both use it? I know the flat will be free but you’d be doing me a favour really, don’t want anyone stealing my decks!”

“You sure Rich?”.

“Course I am Nelson” he said arm around Finn. “Now what you up to tonight?”

“Well I’ve got work this evening - DJ’ing again.”

“Right, well I am working as usual but how about we leave the girls at mine tonight so they can keep each other company.”

“Good plan, look thanks Rich, thanks for… everything.” Finn looked down and then lit a cigarette.

“Not offering me one then?”

Finn laughed and offered Rich a cigarette, which he took and lit up.

“Look Finn, you sure you’re ok? I know how overwhelming it can feel - baby on the way when you weren’t expecting one. I know you’re happy but if you need to offload, you know I’ve been there.”

Finn could hear the crack in Rich’s voice. He remembered that night they had smoked weed in Rich’s spare room and Rich had told him about his wife, how she’d been pregnant, how it had been a real shock and then she’d lost the baby and left Rich. Finn pulled Rich in for a hug

“You sure we’re not bringing memories back and that. I mean… you alright with us?”

Rich nodded. “I’m not going to deny it still hurts but I’ve moved on and Chloe well, she’s a fucking surprise!”

Finn pulled back and raised his eyebrows.

“I would have never thought we were suited, she is so, well she’s not my usual type. I mean she’s a properly girly girl - not like anyone I’ve been with before…. she’s mainstream”.

“Christ you sound like Rae” Finn laughed.

“I think her personality’s been rubbing off on me or something.”

“So you were saying your usual type.”

“You know rock chicks, that sort.”

“Bit like Alice then?”

“Yeah but not quite so …..fuck how do I put it?”

“I think you might have referred to my ex as a nympho stalker actually.” Finn said laughing.

Rich burst out laughing. “Yeah not dated one of those yet and …I don’t think I ever will.”

Finn glanced at him and smirked “You’ve fallen for her haven’t you?”

Rich looked away and tried to compose his face.

“Give over Rich, you bloody well know ya have? And what’s wrong with that?”

“Fuck’s sake Nelson…Alright I might have…..but I don’t want to scare her off, I’m older than her and I’ve got baggage. She knows that I was married before but not… not about the baby.”

“Well old man, perhaps tell her but pick your moment carefully. I think she’ll be fine about it, she’s been pretty amazing with Rae.”

“Actually, thats one of things that drew her to me - that time she dealt with Alice in the club - pretended to be her friend to get her away from you. She’s bloody ballsy.”

Finn smiled and then he laughed. “What the fuck was I doing with Alice?”

“You tell me, Nelson !”

Finn and Rich walked back into town. Rich went to meet Chloe at the shop and Finn went straight back to Chloe’s flat to meet Rae.

The four met at Rich’s house where he cooked them supper. The evening was full of laughter and chatter. Everyone was relaxed and cracking jokes.

“Oh my god” Rae said.

“What is it babes?” asked Chloe, Rich and Rae rushed out of the kitchen.

“I definitely felt the baby move. Oh my…” Her mouth opened her face in awe as her hand pressed gently on her stomach.

“I’ve been having phantom wind pains for the last couple of weeks, it’s actually the baby moving.”

There was laughter all round.

“Finn, Finn come here.”

Finn came over and put his hand on Rae’s stomach as she indicated. Rae was disappointed that he couldn’t feel the baby.

“Rae, I won’t be able to feel the baby yet - may not for another 8-10 weeks or so.”

Rae frowned, and looked at him “Finn how do you know that”.

Finn bit his lip and looked sheepish. He rummaged in his bag “Light reading on the train” and waved a pregnancy book at Rae.

“Erm your mum might have given it to me.”

Rae rolled her eyes and hit Finn with a cushion.

Finn knew that tree had taken root now and it was starting to bud.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK BIG SMUT ALERT.  
> Apologies for an odd chapter. I needed to develop the relationships more for the next two parts. The bromance is quite important as Finn is going to need his mates.

Finn had gone with Rae to her midwife’s appointment. The midwife had given him a bit of a hard time for not being there the last time, for not being supportive enough and he’d had to bite his tongue. When she turned around to get some bottles for the blood she was about to take, Finn rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out behind her back and Rae giggled.

The midwife asked him if he was afraid of needles or blood as she didn’t want him feinting and he shook his head and laughed.

“Nah not even when I nearly cut me finger off with a saw when I was about 12. Blood’s not a problem for me”. He wasn’t to know that those words would come back and haunt him.

*******************************************

Rich and Chloe had gone to Ibiza on holiday and whilst Finn loved the fact it was like the two of them in their own home, he was worried about Rae  being left on her own when he was off working at night, particularly when he was in London as he knew it would be damn near impossible to get a call through to him. He made sure that someone was always going to be in in that Rae could call - whether it was Archie, Dan, Chop or Izzy.

Rae thought Finn was being over-protective but she didn’t say anything partly because she thought it was sweet and partly because it might bring on another attack of Finn taking it too seriously. Finn had been taking the pregnancy pretty seriously - always trying to make sure that Rae was eating correctly and she’d drunk enough water and got enough rest.

Finn came to all Rae’s gigs at the Dolly even though that meant he couldn’t work himself. Rae also knew Rich had asked him to keep an eye on the club for him as it was the first time Rich had left his deputy manager in charge whilst he was out of the country. Rae also knew that Finn was dropping in on other nights and phoning Rich to let him know how things were going. He wasn’t hiding it from her but he was trying to be discrete.

Rae had also resumed her job at the cafe albeit with no double shifts and she’d also gone back to work at the library but she was coping despite being tired. There was something blissful about being able to go “home” and knowing that Finn would come back most nights. She didn’t mind even if he didn’t return until 3am although sometimes she would wake and wonder where he was.

Finn had come to Rae’s 20 week scan which actually happened when she was 22 weeks as she’d been booked in so late. Rae had cried when she saw the baby on the screen. She and Finn had decided not to find out the gender of their baby as Rae wanted “a surprise”. Finn had looked at the ultrasound screen, holding Rae’s hand. He’d been so happy to see the scan and just blurted out:

“Jesus, Rae we’re really having a baby”.

“No shit sherlock, its not a puppy or a kitten”.

The sonographer had burst out laughing at this and Rae had explained how she had become pregnant the first time they slept together.

The sonographer had smiled “Well sometimes you’re just meant to be together.” She thought Finn’s reaction was rather sweet and refreshing -  not afraid, not over emotional, just natural.

Finn worked 2 nights a week in London. He knew he was saving up a reasonable amount but he knew it wasn’t enough for a deposit on any sort of suitable home. He’d been round the estate agents and discovered he was likely to need 3 months rent as deposit if he had a regular job and earnings. But given he was paid at irregular intervals and his paperwork was patchy he was warned he might need 6 months rent upfront. Given that the baby was due in 4 months and all the things he knew he had to buy, he feared it might be an impossible task. But he didn’t tell Rae as he believed this was his problem alone to solve.

********************************************

Rae and Finn continued their slot at no crap FM on a Saturday night. Finn loved it. Their banter was back in force. Each trying to outdo each other. Rae loved it because it was the one time Finn would show no mercy.

One Saturday night, Rae had opened the show.

“So I thought we start on the theme of travel, here’s Ocean Colour Scene with “The day we caught the train””.

Finn’s response was “That is so dull Earl, it makes me wish Ocean Colour Scene had taken the train before they even hit the studio. If you want to talk transport you can’t go wrong with The Housemartins’ “Caravan of love”. It might have been a cover of the Isley Brothers but it has far more credibility and longevity than Ocean Colour Scene”.

Rae had responded with “Ooh Nelson you are so wrong, “Caravan of Love” is such soppy crap. It’s so mainstream it made it to no1. for Pete’s sake. See what you’ve done, you’ve given me “Road Rage” …yes its Catatonia.”

“Road Rage” eh Earl….. that song just leaves me empty. “Culture has sucked out [your] words”…if you can call that culture. This is the epic Manic Street Preachers with “Motorcycle Emptiness”.

“If we’re talking about emptiness you really can’t get better than “Like a Motorway” by one of your favourites Nelson - Saint Etienne. Mind you, I’m not so sure whether you like them for their musical ability or whether you just want to get into Sarah Cracknell’s knickers. So could I suggest you pull your brain out of your trousers for once and listen to the lyrics.”

Finn was actually pissed off by this insult and Rae sat smirking in her chair, back turned to Finn incase she started laughing.

“Earl you are flippin’ Unbelievable and no I’m not going to play EMF as that’s way too obvious. Nah “Don’t talk to me about Heroes”…You know I “deal in sex and beautiful women” “ Finn laughed “It’s Black Grape with their rant on society’s obsession with celebrity…. “Kelly’s Heroes.”

It was Rae’s turn to sulk, every time she thought she had the upper hand, Finn seemed to pull something out of the bag. She soon stopped her sulk when Finn traced on her thigh “WANNA DEAL IN SOME SEX?”. She was cross now and hit him pretty hard with her papers.

“I just want to ask Nelson this “Who do you think you are, some kind of superstar?” Yes it’s the Spice Girls”.

Finn’s laughter could be heard live on air. He traced on Rae’s thigh “THE FUCKING SPICE GIRLS?”

“Earl …that last choice really? ”Once upon a time [your music taste] was so fine but [now you] really shouldn’t be [so proud] …..As this is NO Crap FM and not a mainstream show Earl…I give you one of the ultimate songs “Like a Rolling Stone” yup it’s Bob Dylan”.

Rae traced on his thigh …DYLAN REALLY?

Their banter continued until the end of the show when they were both quite wound up with each other. They kept this tension up until they had got into the taxi when a hot snogging session had ensued. When they got back to the house Rae had taken all Finn’s clothes off before they had even reached the stairs. She’d then left him naked downstairs for quite sometime mostly deliberately, but partly because she couldn’t get her breasts into her favourite bra which she wanted to wear for Finn and had gone upstairs to put on.

Finn got bored of waiting and he was cold so he went upstairs. Because Rae had wanted the underwear to be a surprise, she’d hidden behind the bedroom door and quite literally given Finn a fright when she jumped out at him and one of her breasts had hit him in the face.

Finn collapsed with laughter on the bed. Rae was a little upset for a while until Finn had pointed out that her body was looking amazing. He was then able to say to her that he was surprised she’d never given herself a black eye with her boobs. This had ended up with Rae straddling Finn and playfully bashing him with a pillow.They had ended up having great sex which as always most heated after their banter on the show.

*************************************

  
  


One Sunday, Finn was planning to take Rae for lunch with his father. He’d told his father that he was now together with Rae and that things were working out but he’d not mentioned the pregnancy to him as he had neither discussed it with Rae, nor had he felt it appropriate to hell his father over the phone.

Rae had been nervous about meeting Gary, Finn hadn’t talked much about his dad, she knew Gary liked his music and travelled with work but that was about it. She realised that Finn was likely to be quite close to his dad in the absence of his mother. Rae had spent over an hour that morning deciding what to wear. She desperately wanted to make a good impression. Should she wear something fitted and try to make it obvious that she was pregnant? Or should she try to hide her stomach with a floaty top. She had tried everything on that she had at Rich’s house and ended up in tears on the bed.

Finn who was expecting to leave shortly, already had his coat on and came up thinking Rae would be ready to go, not sat in her underwear on the bed sobbing. He sat down quietly next to her and put his hand on her arm but she pulled away from his touch and his heart sunk.

“What’s wrong girl?” He’d asked but she’d remained silent.

“Rae, what is it?”

“You’re going to have to go without me.” This time she pulled the bed covers around her.

“Please go Finn.”

“I don’t understand Rae. What have I done?”

“Finn it’s not you…..it’s me Finn, me.”

Finn thought he was going to be sick. What was she trying to tell him?

Finn caught sight of the pile of clothes on the floor next to the door. He started talking quietly  to Rae.

“Rae is it something to do with the clothes?” She remained quiet.

“It’s only me dad, he really won’t care what you’re wearin’. I don’t think he even know what he’s wearing’ half the time”.

Rae still remained quiet and this worried Finn.

“Look Rae we don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

Rae put her head on her knees and carried on crying.

“Rae, sweetheart, you’re really going to have to help me out here because I don’t understand and…and “his voice cracked “you’re scaring me Rae. I must have done something.”

Rae continue to cry for a while and then she spoke quietly into her knees.

“Finn why are you with me?”

“Rae how can you ask me that? How can you?”

“It’s just about the baby isn’t it Finn? You don’t need to lie to me anymore.”

Finn was angry that she could still not understand how he felt - it was as if his feelings for her weren’t enough and that cut him deeply.

“Jesus, Rae no” He said far louder than he intended. “Christ girl. You know how I feel about ya… baby or no baby….fuck’s sake….how can I make ya understand that.”

“But..” all Rae could hear was Finn walking down the stairs and slamming the door into the garden. She knew he would be out there smoking and somehow the thought calmed her down a bit.

By the time Finn returned she was sat on the floor looking at clothes again and she saw that he had been crying.

“Can ya tell me what it is, girl?”

Rae sniffed and nodded. “Meeting ya dad….. I don’t want to him to think …..and the midwife said because I was a bigger girl… that I’d probably still not look really pregnant until the very end…. you know it wouldn’t be obvious that I was pregnant….. and now you dad will think you’ve only settled for me because…. because I am carrying your baby”.

It really hurt for Finn to hear Rae talk  about herself so negatively. He couldn’t believe that the midwife had spoken to Rae like that - it was so uncalled for and given her history…he knew he’d be phoning the surgery to give her a piece of his mind when the surgery opened. But right now, Rae needed him.

“Girl, you know I love you just the way you are. You know full well what effect your body has always had on me”…he was thinking about it when he felt a familiar tingle “Fuck it girl if you must know just thinking about your body is …..” he trailed off realising how inappropriate this was but Rae had already picked up on it.

“What were going to say Finn?”

“Nothing” he blushed.

Rae recognised that blush and stood up and raised her eyebrows at Finn….”Please tell me Finn..”

He pulled her close and hugged her “It’s nothing girl” and he could see her tear stained face and felt her breath on his neck…..and whispered “Just thinking about you Rae …. it’s given me a semi..”

He blushed again but was shocked to find her dropping to her knees and undoing his belt. He stood there as she pulled his jeans and boxers down.

“Nelson….. there is no fucking way that’s a semi.” She smirked.

Finn snorted. He could not believe Rae.

“Fuck’s sake Rae…. this “ he gestured at his hard on “is so your fault”.

“Well I suppose you can’t drive like that. I suppose that, given it’s my fault, I should deal with it”.

And with that Rae’s mouth closed around Finn. He had to grab on the door frame as he thought his knees were going to give way. A couple of times he tried to touch her but she smacked him back and continued. She started deep throating him and that and what she was doing with her hands made him come so hard he ended up on his hands and knees regaining his breath.

“Rae you have no idea what you do to me. And it’s not just about this.”

He rolled onto his back “I’ve been yours since our first show on No Crap FM. You’ve utterly blown my mind and I love you more than anything.”

Rae started to giggle. “Do you have any idea how silly you look with your kecks round your ankles and talking seriously Finn. I mean really”.

Finn laughed at Rae laughing and got up and sorted himself out.

“Look Rae, come to my dad’s we don’t even have to tell him about the baby and then you can judge for yourself.” Finn was confident his dad would love Rae for who she was and he wanted her to understand that.

Rae nodded. “Alright Finn.” She picked a loose top and leggings off the floor.

***************

Finn had borrowed Chop’s car and driven them. He’d passed his test and once owned a car when he was 18. He had been forever fixing it and when it had finally been uneconomical to repair shortly after he met Alice, he’d not been able to afford another as he was spending most of his wages on travel and concerts. He had realised that they were really going to need a car when the baby arrived, because they simply wouldn’t be able to rely on borrowing one from friends. That was part of the reason finding 6 months rent was going to be an issue.

Rae knew Finn’s dad lived close to her mum and Karim. She’d walked past his house many times when she was young and it seemed strange to be going in there now. She was Finn Nelson’s girlfriend, the boy that everyone wanted at school even the boys. She sighed as she got out of the car. She knew she was nervous.

Finn let themselves in and as soon as Gary got talking to Rae about music, she relaxed. They’d been debating about which was the most influential Beatles album ever when Rae realised that Finn had been out of the room for quite some time. He arrived back with a tray of tea and Rae and Gary carried on talking and Finn went to check on lunch.

Gary wasn’t the world’s greatest cook and as Finn had told him not to make too much fuss and he’d realised that Finn was a bit nervous so Gary decided to humour him. He’d made one of his staple favourites - Lasagne and the three had eaten it with salad, all washed down with mugs of tea.

When Gary had started on the washing up and refused help, Finn had taken Rae up to his old room. It still had a fair bit of his stuff in it as he’d never had more than a room to himself after he’d left home. Rae had picked up his sporting trophies and smiled. Finn had been rooting around in his chest of drawers for something.

Rae sat on Finn’s bed and he sat next to her with a photo album. Rae had only ever seen one photo of Finn’s nan that was kept in the crate with his favourite vinyl and here he was sharing an album of family pictures. Finn was a stuttering mess trying to point out pictures to her and share small stories, when he came across a loose photo of his mother and frowned.

“Oh I’d forgotten that was there” he said his face scrunched up.

“Is she, is she your mum?”

Finn nodded and was silent for a while. “She erm, left when ….when I was little”.

Rae put her hand on his, she saw him bite his lip and swallow. She pulled him in close to her and he lay with his head on her lap and she stroked his hair and he stroked her belly. Eventually they went downstairs and Gary made yet another pot of tea. They all sat together in the living room and Gary lit the fire.

Gary started talking about how naughty Finn had been as a little boy. Finn was not best impressed but Rae was happy and was laughing - it was as if she and Gary had known each other for years. In the end the three settled down to watch a film. Rae curled into Finn. They hadn’t got far into the film when Rae felt a strange sensation in her abdomen.

The baby was moving but not kicking or punching and she put her hand on her belly to amplify and try to understand the sensation. If Gary had noticed, he hadn’t’ said anything so Rae placed Finn’s hand on her belly and he turned to look at her, their eyes meeting as they shared a moment. His eyes were wide and he was smiling. Without thinking he spoke “I think it’s the hiccups”.

Gary looked away from the TV and frowned. Both his son and Rae had a hand on her belly and they were gazing at each other and smiling. Suddenly Finn caught his eye and he froze. Finn turned his head back and looked at Rae but she didn’t bat an eyelid.

“Gary - come here - you’ve got to feel this, I think the baby’s got hiccups”.

Gary smiled and walked over - he wasn’t sure about this but Rae quite naturally grabbed his hand and placed it gently on her belly. Gary smiled at her.

“Yeah Rae - I think it’s hiccups. God this bring memories back, Finn was the forever having hiccups when my wife was pregnant with him…. he continued having hiccups for months after when he was born”.

“Dad really”. Finn rolled his eyes.

“Well it’s true son”.

Rae was surprised Gary hadn’t asked anything about the fact she was pregnant. She liked that, he was so relaxed that she felt she wanted to talk.

“Er Gary, I should have introduced you - this is your grandchild to be. “

He smiled “That’s fantastic news.” and hugged his son.

Finn smiled “Yeah the baby’s due in about 16 weeks.”

Gary raised his eyebrows momentarily, he couldn’t help but do the maths in his head. It explained a lot about how Rae had behaved at Christmas. But he didn’t say anything as it wasn’t his place. He was just pleased to see how happy they were together.

They had happily chatted for quite some time when Finn had looked at his watch. “Shit we need to get going Rae, I’m playing tonight”.

He saw her yawning and felt bad, this was the problem with working at night.

“I’m sorry Rae, I hate to make you leave when you look so comfortable.”

“Ohhh Finn. I take it it’s a late one”.

Finn grimaced and nodded. “Sorry girl”.

Gary considered what to say… “Look both of you are welcome to stay here at any time. I mean it Rae anytime.”

Rae stood up and hugged Gary. “Thanks Gary…. you’re being amazing about this.”

Gary frowned. “Rae you don’t have to thank me for anything. I should probably be the one thanking you for making this grumpy git smile.” He chuckled as Finn pulled a face.

Rae and Finn reluctantly made the journey back to Rich’s house.

***********************************

Although Rae was feeling tired, she was still enjoying working. Finn worried about her though and wondered when she would finish work. His gigs in London had been going well, two nights a week was a reasonable balance between earning some money and hard slog. He had to stay over at James’ flat though and that wasn’t ideal. He knew that buying a car would mean he could, in theory at least, make it home if needed as no trains ran after 1am.

Chloe and Rich had come back from their holiday and they were living between Rich’s house and Chloe’s flat. Rae enjoyed the company when Chloe was there and she liked the fact that Rich tended to keep Finn calm. She knew Finn was tired and that made him grumpier than usual.

One morning he came back from London in unusually high spirits and early for him as he managed to arrive before Rae and Chloe left for work. They were eating breakfast in the kitchen.

“Oh my god Finn - you’re back early, you must have got up at the crack of dawn to get here.” said Chloe

Finn smiled bags under his eyes. “Yeah well I took the 5:30am train - did exactly get much sleep last night”.

“Oh Finn you’re always telling me to get enough sleep, you should take your own advice sometimes.” said Rae rolling her eyes.

“I know but bloody hell Rae, you’re never going to believe what happened last night.”

Rae raised her eyebrows at him - she wasn’t sure she could cope with an Alice based surprise.

“I’ve been offered a gig at the Ministry of Sound - just a one off slot mind you”

The girls started screaming and Finn was beaming.

“Fuckin’ hell Nelson how the hell…” Rae asked…. “Pete Tong?”

Finn nodded.

Rae and Chloe were clapping their hands and a very sleepy Rich appeared from upstairs in no more than a pair of PJ bottoms….”What on earth is going on?”

Chloe shouted “Finn’s only gone and got a slot at the Ministry of Sound.”

Rich’s eyes were wide open now he patted Finn on the back “Fuckin’ well done Nelson.”

Finn and Rich hugged and Chloe and Rae caught each other eyes. Neither really appreciated that the men had become such good friends and both secretly thought it was sweet.

“I think we should celebrate tonight” said Rich “Rae you up for Dj’ing?”

She nodded.

“Good stuff, Nelson you can skive off work tonight. Dolly 9pm ok?”

Finn nodded and the girls screamed a bit more.

“Right you two need to bugger off to work sharpish or you’re going to be late and Finn and I both need to sleep”.

Chloe and Rae both left quickly chatting excitedly.

Finn and Rich chatted for a while about the MoS and Pete until the yawning really set in.

“Fuck I need to get some sleep. I’m cream crackered” said Finn.

“Tell me about it, didn’t get in until 4am. Chloe’s not best impressed with me. But we had a student party in last night, the mess was unbelievable. And someone has to clean up.”

The two walked upstairs

“Is it me or is it freezing in here?” Finn asked stepping into “his”room.

“Rae was complaining about being too hot last night before I went out to work probably hormones mate.”

Finn looked at the radiator “She’s turned the radiator off” he laughed.

“Look, you know you’re welcome to kip in with me….. provided you don’t snore, it’s not as if we haven’t shared before.”

Finn thought about it, it was definitely different sober but he liked company and nodded “Yeah well you better not nick the covers.”

Rich laughed and the two walked into Rich’s room. Rich grabbed a bolster cushion and chucked it down the middle of the bed. “No kicking me either Nelson”.

********************************************************

Chloe and Rae arranged to get home early from work. Rae had gone round to Chloe’s shop and they two had picked out new outfits for the night. Chloe had found Rae a low cut burgundy lace dress and she chose a purple dress with cut-out panels for herself. They planned on going home and kicking the boys out to get them some food so they could get ready like they always used to, dancing and singing.

When they got in, the house was strangely silent and so they walked upstairs. Rae noticed the door to “her” room was open which wasn’t unusual as Finn quite frequently forgot to shut it and would sleep with it open. But she was surprised to find the bed empty so she turned around to see Chloe with her finger to her lips beckoning her. Rae walked across the landing and peered into Rich’s room.

Rae and Chloe shared a look and started to giggle. For Finn was asleep on his front, his right arm laying over the bolster pillow and Rich was asleep on his back his right hand nearly touching Finn’s. Both were shirtless. The girls started laughing properly and Finn and Rich woke up.

“What are you two doing?” said Chloe.

“I was sleeping until you started laughing” said Finn.

“Yeah, oh shit is that the time?” said Rich.

Rae smiled at Finn “hey sleepyhead, couldn’t you sleep on your own?”

“The room was freezing Rae, you turned the radiator off. Suppose I should get up and get dressed”

Rae and Chloe shared a look and Finn got out of bed and started walking towards them. Suddenly Chloe’s eyes grew wide and her mouth opened. Rae saw it shortly after Chloe and her mouth hung open too. Finn looked at the girls and then looked down. He blushed and bit his lip and turned around.

“Fuck sorry, it always happens when I wake up.”

Finn was rooted to the spot and Rae and Chloe were just stood there. Rich realised how uncomfortable Finn was feeling and jumped out of bed.

“Yeah happens to me too everytime Nelson.”

Finn turned around to see Rich standing there in his pyjama bottoms with a very visible hard on and he laughed. Rae and Chloe did not know where to look and ran downstairs giggling.

“Oh my god Rae Finn’s got a body to die for.” said Chloe

“Well Rich is absolutely ripped. Bloody hell.”

“If you don’t mind me saying Rae, has Finn got a massive one?”

Rae started to giggle and nod “Though Fuckin’hell Chlo I think Rich might be bigger.”

“We are bloody lucky girls.” Shrieked Chloe.

Rae nodded “We’ve so got to get them back for that though Chlo.”

Chloe nodded. “Yeahh girls vs boys night?”

Rae nodded.

*************************

The four arrived at the club in good spirits having eaten a take-away Chinese meal. Chloe and Rae had both got dressed at the last minute and bundled up with scarves and coats so Finn and Rich had no idea what they were wearing. Rich’s deputy manager had already opened up and Rich’s young DJ was playing.

Rae and Chloe took their coats off in Rich’s office. They came out and Rae walked over to the DJ booth and Rae started to get her stuff ready. Chloe followed her. Rich and Finn were drinking at the bar.

When the other DJ’s set was up Rae and Chloe got in the booth. When Rae started off her set Finn looked over and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Rae had a ridiculous amount of cleavage on display above her bump. He elbowed Rich.

“I think the girls might have got a bit dressed up.”

Rich turned around to see Chloe dancing with her back to him in a dress with several cut outs. He swallowed. “Jesus Christ”.

“Indeed”.

“Oh Fuck, Chloe has no idea what she does to me sometimes.”

“Like that is it?” Finn said raising his eyebrows.

“She has be wrapped round her finger sometimes, well most of the time. But I like it, she’s the only girl I’ve ever allowed to have this sort of effect on me. I don’t know mate, she’s just special. But your Rae’s pretty bloody special too, don’t forget that.”

Finn nodded “Guess we’re both really lucky.”

Rich nodded. He decided to take the girls a drink, vodka and coke for Chloe and lemonade for Rae. He handed Rae her drink and smiled. Chloe came out of the booth and drank hers. She then proceeded to dance very provocatively with Rich, who really didn’t know whether to dance with her, kiss her, or take her into his office. In the end he opted for the former.

Finn let himself into the DJ booth with Rae. She bent over ostensibly to tie up the lace on her boot but in doing so showed Finn acres of cleavage. He had to turn around and try to get a grip before his body reacted to her. Rae smirked.

Finn whispered in her ear “You looking fuckin’ stunning girl”.

She replied “Yeah I know.”

Finn couldn’t believe Rae’s confidence. He loved it. After she put the next track, he circled his arms around her waist and started dancing behind her but Rae wasn’t having any of it. She removed his arms and smirked at him.

Finn went off to get another drink and met Rich at the bar. Rich was not having much more luck with Chloe. She was teasing him like crazy. Both of them laughed and Rich made a comment about them being lovestruck school boys and Finn had made a comment about them being less like school boys more like horny teenagers.

Finn made his way back into the DJ booth. This time Rae let him dance with her but only behind her. She teased him the rest of her set. When she finished and the other DJ came back on for the last half hour, she danced with Finn on the dance floor. She could see Chloe was dancing with Rich. Rich hardly ever danced and she smiled to herself.

Rae danced running her hands through her hair. Finn was getting lost in her cleavage and the way her body was rubbing against his. She might have been pregnant but he couldn’t help but find her attractive. Rae’s hand ran down his chest over his shirt. She paused when she came to the top of his jeans and he felt that familiar flutter in his stomach. Then her hand moved again and snaked around his bottom. Then it moved again as her fingers traced patterns up and down his back.

He tried to pull her in for a kiss but she turned her head away and instead she kissed his neck and down to this throat and back around. His hands started to wander to her cleavage and she swatted them down again. She was driving him crazy and he was getting really turned on. Her hand was back on his stomach again and suddenly her fingers slipped under his waistband and he groaned. Oh fuck, he realised he had a full hard-on and they were in the middle of the dance floor. He saw Rae could feel it too as her eyes had grown wider and a beautiful blush had spread down her neck and onto her chest.

Finn gently danced Rae off the dancefloor to the corridor outside Rich’s office and started kissing Rae pushing her gently against the wall. He could hear the music had finished and then he heard Rich turfing all the staff out early saying he would clean and lock up. Finn looked at Rae and she shrugged at him. Then he heard Rich putting some vinyl on. Rich then turned the corner and smirked at Finn and Rae.

“You know you’re welcome to stay….. Chloe wants to dance and who am I to deny her” and he disappeared.

Rae raised her eyebrows at Finn and he shrugged. Finn leant back into Rae and carried on kissing her. He pulled back and asked her if she wanted to go, she shook her head. Rae suddenly decided she needed the loo and disappeared off to the ladies. Finn nipped out the back to have a quick cigarette.

When he came back in Rae was back outside Rich’s office looking very flushed. He panicked for a moment thinking perhaps she was ill but she gave him a half smile. As the familiar strains of Toots & the Mayals blasted out, Finn gently pressed himself against Rae, he started to kiss the exposed skin of her breast which made her flush even more.

Her fingers once again snaked under his waist band. His cock responded again and he grunted. He slid his fingers down the top of Rae’s dress. He was aware how sensitive Rae’s breasts and nipples had become and gently started to play with a nipple. Rae moaned loudly and suddenly they both became aware of another noise. They stopped and looked at each, that couldn’t be, could it?

Finn’s eyes widened. “Jesus Christ.” He wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

Rae smirked “Well you should have seen how they were dancing - saw them when I went to the loo.”

Finn was surprised that his hard-on had not gone down. He was looking at the floor thinking when Rae whispered in his ear “We can hardly leave can now can we?”

Finn smirked as a thought crossed his mind “We could go out the back way if you really wanted girl but…” he raised an eyebrow.

Rae’s eyes widened, she wasn’t sure but as she felt Finn’s body against hers again, she realised they’d all been living under the same roof, it had probably happened before, but it was simply much louder this time.

Rae pulled Finn to her and kissed him.  His breath was momentarily taken away as she bit and sucked his bottom lip and then he kissed her back running his hands up and down her body. One sought out a nipple and the other gently slipped down her stomach and onto her thighs.

Rae groaned and tilted her pelvis into his hand. Finn started to trace circles over her leggings in between her legs still kissing her.

“Office Finn” she said huskily. He swallowed thickly.

He never closed the door but walked Rae right back against Rich’s desk without stopping his insistent kissing. He started to bite her lip and pull it between his. His lips then moved down her neck to her breasts and she moaned loudly again. He was surprised when she pulled her leggings and knickers down but he didn’t let it show. Instead he picked her up and placed her on Rich’s desk. He pulled her boots off and then her leggings and knickers off. He worked his way back up her legs placing a succession of light kisses up the inside of her legs and all the way to the apex of her thighs.

She opened her legs for him and he couldn’t help but kiss her there. He trailed his fingers up and down and around in slow circles, eventually slipping one and then two in, his tongue never ceasing. He could feel her start to clench around his fingers and sped up his pace which only served to make Rae scream. She really screamed as she came.

He came back up to kiss her expecting her to be exhausted but instead as he kissed her she grabbed his belt buckle and slid her hands inside his jeans making him groan. Before he knew it his jeans and boxers were around his ankles and Rae was rubbing her wetness against him.

“You sure?” She nodded.

He slid in, meaning to be gentle and slow. But he could still hear Rich and Chloe and something in him gave. “Girl, I want to , I mean can I , can I fuck you?”

Rae couldn’t’ believe this was happening, she swallowed. “Please Finn.”

“You just tell me if it hurts or anything” She nodded.

Although his pace increased he was not using anything like his full force. He lifted Rae slightly off the desk to tilt her pelvis slightly and she started to moan loudly. His hips twisting slightly with each thrust and he could feel Rae starting to tense again. His head was buried in her cleavage, somehow he’d freed one of her breasts and was teasing her nipple with his mouth.

Rae couldnt’ believe the sensations in her body. Her over sensitive nipple was sending shocks of feeling straight down to her clit and Finn was repeatedly hitting that spot inside her and her mind simply went blank. She felt a wave of pleasure hit her and then another and she started to moan, quietly at first until she was screaming.

Finn couldn’t’ believe the noise Rae was making as she was coming completely undone around him and he was fighting the waves of fire in his belly. He momentarily felt Rae’s body settle down but suddenly the waves started again and he he knew he was fighting an absolutely useless battle. He used the last of his fight whispering in Rae’s ear “Come again for me girl”.

WIth that they both came undone loudly and joyously.

As their breathing returned to normal Finn pulled Rae to him. He then realised she might be cold and quickly pulled up his boxers and jeans, so he didn’t trip and then helped her put her knickers and leggings back one. He smoothed her dress down and he couldn’t’ help but stroke her bump and was about to mention that it felt really quite solid when he heard loud cries and moans from the dance floor.

Rae started to giggle and Finn frowned.

“Jesus fucking Christ, they can’t still be at it can they?”

Rae nodded.

“Fucking hell.”

She smiled at him. “Bloody hell Finn they’re really loud.”

“Well I should imagine they heard us too girl.”

Rae blushed. “Oh bollocks”.

“Rae I don’t’ know why you’re embarrassed I mean we already knew they had sex and they know that we have sex, it’s just a bit erm……. umm louder than usual?” he said with a shrug.

Suddenly they heard a crescendo of cries and Finn pulled Rae against him. He could feel she was giggling a bit now and he was relieved that she was in good spirits. They stood there cuddling for a few more minutes Finn stroking Rae’s hair with one hand and the other hand remaining protectively on her bump.

“Do you think it might be safe to go now Finn? I’m exhausted.”

He turned his head but couldn’t hear anything and nodded. “I think so”.

He gave Rae her coat and they walked out of the office hand in hand. They walked across the dance floor and stopped as Rich called out.

“Hey you two, off home?”

Finn turned , Rich was on a sofa, shirtless with a partially dressed Chloe underneath him.

Finn turned his back to the pair. “Yeah, Rae’s tired”.

“Right.”

“Finn, I need the loo again.”

Finn smiled “Alright girl off you go then, don’t’ want you peeing yourself do we.”

“Finn” she elbowed him and started to walk off.

Finn was then aware of Chloe following Rae, tights in hand.

“Rae wait up, I’ll come with you, need to get my tights back on.”

Finn turned back round to face Rich “Eh?”

“Finn sometimes you need to wake up a bit. That was just an excuse for a girly talk”.

“Oh” he said and looked at the ground biting his lip.

“Nelson, can I ask you something?”

Finn shrugged “Yeah suppose”.

“I dont’ mean to step over the line but well did you really make Rae come three times?”.

Finn’s eyes widened and he blushed. “Might have..” There was no point asking Rich how he knew because if he and Rae had been able to hear Rich and Chloe, then Rich and Chloe would have heard him and Rae.

“Fucking hell Nelson I’ve never managed to do that to a girl….. never”.

Finn relaxed a little.

“Yeah well, you’ve got far more stamina than me.”

Rich chuckled “Takes practice that”.

Finn looked around and realised that the whole club was still in a mess, glasses out, floor unswept and it was nearly 3am.

“Shit Rich, let me help you sort this mess out.”

Rich got up and patted Finn on the back “Nah, I can do it tomorrow if needs be, you just get Rae home. I’ll lock up and we’ll be back a bit later if you don’t mind - don’t’ think I’ve got any clean clothes at Chloe’s right now.”

“It’s your house Rich for god’s sake.”

“Yeah, well we need to talk about that Finn.”

Finn looked up and swallowed. Rich hadn’t planned on telling Finn until things were all finalised but on seeing the look of panic on Finn’s face, he couldn’t’ leave it there.

“Please don’t’ tell Rae yet, because it’s not all sorted and I don’t know when it will be ready but Chloe and I are going to buy one of the new riverfront flats.”

  
  


Finn wanted to ask more but he could see Rae and Chloe returning.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a weird part and I’m totally unhappy with it but right now I don’t need anything else in my life to stress over so I’m giving you an under-considered chapter.  
> ALERT - mentions of stillbirth (not Rae).

The following morning Rae had woken up to find a fair amount of blood in her underwear. She’d got up quietly so as not to disturb Finn and sat downstairs contemplating what to do. In the end she called the midwife and was referred to the hospital. She knew Finn was exhausted and so left him to sleep. She really wanted to tell him but for some reason she just couldn’t.

Rae took a bus to hospital as she knew she really couldn’t walk that far. She was pretty worried on the bus that she was still bleeding and hoped her sanitary towel could cope. She arrived in the maternity unit shaking and pale. She could see there was a queue of people at the desk already and she didn’t want to make a fuss so she sat down on one of the chairs and tried to control her breathing. Luckily one of the midwives had noticed her shaking and had gone to check if she was alright.

Rae stuttered out “I’m ok…just….just been bleeding a bit. I am about 26 weeks pregnant.”

The midwife had taken her immediately through to a bed to lie down. Rae curled on her side and put her hand on her bump, willing the baby to be ok. She wasn’t in pain but was very upset and started to cry. Rae was seen quite quickly by a doctor who took a history including asking whether she’d had intercourse recently. She’d nodded and was then mortified that that might be the reason why she was bleeding. The doctor had said she would need an exam to check whether her cervix was open and a scan to check on the baby.

Initially Rae had refused the exam. She was very reluctant and felt very shy about it. The doctor had been a put out as she was very busy and had gone on to look at her other patients. The midwife suggested that Rae might like to call her partner for support but Rae had refused even though she really wanted Finn there because she didn’t want to make a fuss. The midwife felt sorry for Rae and made her a cup of tea and some toast even though she wasn’t supposed to. She’d sat on Rae’s bed and spoken quietly explaining that it was very important that Rae had the exam and she would be there too.

Rae was still shaking her head when the Beatles came on the radio with “Let it be” and she remembered how Finn loved this song. She knew she had to be strong for their baby even if it was humiliating for her. She tried to tell the midwife why she was afraid and luckily the midwife understood something of her fear and suggested she get one of the consultants to do the exam because he was a terribly nice man and she promised far less brash than the doctor she’d already seen.

The consultant was as promised, calm and gentle. He told Rae the good news that her cervix wasn’t open but he wasn’t sure about the bleed but the scan should tell more. The scan showed the baby was well but there was no obvious cause for the bleed. He asked Rae to stay in overnight just in case. The midwife took Rae up to the ward and asked if she could contact someone for Rae. Rae just shook her head as she knew Chloe would be at work and both Finn and Rich would be asleep so they wouldn’t be worried until that evening so she thought.

Rae turned onto her side in the ward and quietly cried herself to sleep. She hated hospitals - she had such bad memories of them.

*************************************

Chloe arrived home to find Finn and Rich drinking cups of tea and discussing their plans for the rest of the week. Finn had wanted to ask Rich about what he’d meant about the house but he hadn’t found quite the right moment.

“Rae not home yet?” Chloe asked.

Finn and Rich shook their heads.

“I think she was on a late today” Finn said.

“Thats odd, she’d already left when I got up”.

Finn furrowed his brow.  

“Don’t worry Finn she might be pulling a cheeky double shift.” said Chloe.

Finn wasn’t convinced but Rich and Chloe had talked him into there being nothing to worry about. Finn was meant to be going down to the London that night. He had to leave earlier than usual to get there on time as he was meeting up with Pete Tong to discuss his set and was fretting about Rae and in the end he said he wasn’t going to go.

“Finn mate you can’t not go, I am sure Rae’s will be fine.”

“Nah I can’t go. I am sure James will understand.”

“Look Finn late shift ends at 8 I think. I’ll call the club and let you know she’s back” said Chloe.

“Finn, you can’t jeopardise the gig at the Ministry.”

Finn reluctantly went down to London on the train. Something didn’t feel right and he fretted the whole way there, unable to calm himself down with a cigarette. He felt that sapling inside him might wither, like it wasn’t flourishing anymore.

*************************************************

Rae woke up and it was dark. Shit she’d better call Finn and let him know where she was. One of the assistants brought her the phone on wheels. She searched her purse for change called Archie and then she called home.

“Hey Chloe it’s me, is Finn there.”

“Oh babes he’s gone to London you know to discuss the gig with Pete”. Rae cringed at Chloe’s over-familiar style.

“Oh I see.”

“You ok?”

“Sort of. I am in hospital.”

“What Rae? You ok? what’s going on?”

“It’s fine just in for observation had a bit of a …..a bleed… you know .”

“Oh shit - Finn’s going to do his nut”. Chloe felt particularly bad as she had convinced Finn to go to London.

“He doesn’t need to know Chlo. I should be home before him tomorrow.”

“Rae, please don’t make me lie to him. He’s expecting a call from us tonight - he nearly didn’t go as he was worried about you. Please can we come and see you?”

“Chloe visiting ends at 9 and Archie is on his way”.

“Oh right.”

Chloe was actually quite upset about Rae having called Archie first but she didn’t say anything.

Chloe and Rich discussed whether to call Finn and decided not to in the end. Rich said he would take the flak if it came to it but he said he’d call the ward pretending to be Rae’s dad and if things took a turn for the worse, he’d personally go and retrieve Finn.

*****************************

Rae was sat up in bed still fully dressed when Archie came over with a bag of stuff from Chloe’s flat.

“Hey Rae, I was going to ask if you’re ok but that’s a silly question isn’t it?”

“Lovely to see you too Archie. ….. Actually I’m ok. Just a bit of scare with the baby”. Rae didn’t really want to tell Archie the actual details.

“Where’s Finn?”

“Erm, he’s in London playing in James’ club I think.” said Rae.

Archie frowned. “Have you two fallen out again because this is really unacceptable Rae. He’s a twat he should be here”.

Rae looked at the floor.

“Rae? What is it?”

“Finn doesn’t exactly know I am here.”

Archie frowned “Oh Rae…… why?”

Rae started to cry and Archie pulled her in for a hug. He couldn’t get any sense out of her other than “I didn’t want to worry him.”

After Rae had stopped crying Archie spoke to her in a very quiet but firm voice.

“Rae much as I love you, you’ve got to let Finn in. He’s going to be really hurt when he finds out you haven’t told him you are in hospital.”

Rae started to cry again. “Will you tell him please Archie?”

Archie sighed and nodded - he hated playing the messenger but given the circumstances he’d agreed as a one-off.

***********************************

Archie had tried to call Finn at the club to no avail. He thought about waiting for Finn at the station in the morning but he had no idea what train Finn was going to take back. He then wondered if he should go down to London but it was late. In the end he decided to call James’ flat at about 6am. He’d either catch Finn on his way out or he’d wake him up.

Archie set his alarm and called James’ flat. James answered and Archie apologised profusely and explained he needed to speak to Finn as Rae was in hospital and James had understood.

Finn had not taken the news well. He’d shouted at Archie before apologising and Archie knew that Finn was crying. In the they agreed Archie would meet him at the station.

Archie couldn’t get back to sleep and stopped to buy coffee on the way to wake himself up. Finn half fell off the train onto the platform, it was clear he was more than upset. Archie gave him a hug and was surprised that Finn didn’t break down. Instead Finn was angry.

“Why the fuck didn’t she call me Archer? Am I not good enough?”

“I don’t think she wanted to worry you.”

“I don’t know if I want to go and see her right now.”

“Come on Finn, you need to remember Rae’s pregnant and erm …hormonal.”

In the end Fin agreed to go to the hospital. Visiting started at 10 so he and Archie ended up having breakfast in the canteen and Finn complained about the dodgy food and smell of disinfectant.

When Finn walked onto the ward, his earlier anger dissipated on seeing a pale Rae in the bed as he was overcome with worry, but the hurt hadn’t gone and he couldn’t quite bring himself to touch or kiss her, instead he plonked himself down on the chair next to the bed.

“Fuckin’ hell Rae, are you ok?” He sat staring at the floor.

Rae looked at Finn and she knew she had to be the one to speak and all her words came out in a rushed jumble.

“Please don’t be cross with me, it’s all a bit of an overreaction from the doctors I think. I didn’t want to worry you…..it was just a small bleed……. had a bit more in the middle of the night….its’ settled down now…..the baby’s fine you know…….just giving me some steroid injections….. for the baby’s lungs…. just in case……should be home tomorrow.”

Finn looked at her anxious face and he couldn’t help but sit on the bed and pull her in close. He kissed her hair and felt her relax into him.

“Rae” he swallowed “I’m really struggling with this. I should have been the first person you called.” He knew he was about to cry and bit his lip hard so the tears wouldn’t come.

In the end Rae promised Finn that she would let him know when the slightest thing was wrong. He’d calmed down a little and she’d asked about the night before and he explained that he was supposed to be going back to London later that week to the Ministry of Sound. They’d then argued about whether he should go. He was refusing to go and Rae told him not to be stupid. In the end he agreed to go only if he could borrow Archie or Chop’s phone so she could call him if anything happened.

Finn still felt that the thing he could not name inside him was not doing well. It was as if it had caught a mystery disease and he needed to know what that was so he could treat it.

Chloe had helped Finn change the sheets on the bed and gather more of Rae’s stuff from the flat so that she didn’t need to keep making trips back and forward when she got home. Chloe had ended up tidying the room, she noticed that Finn was pretty messy and seemed to have a lot of similar looking clothes to Rae. She made guesses as to which plaid shirt belonged to who and which band t-shirt was whose and put them away where she thought they were supposed to go. She also ended up doing three loads of laundry which was most unlike her and made Rich tease her about being a domestic goddess.

****************************

Finn managed to visit Rae again that evening before he went off to DJ on the local radio station.

He was still confused and hurt as to why Rae hadn’t called him herself. He asked about the bleeding and the baby and Rae had said that they doctors had still not found an obvious cause for it and it was probably just one of those things. He’d asked Rae how she was and if she needed anything from home. She’d said not because Archie had brought her things.

Rae had noticed Finn was more distant than usual. He might have kissed her on the cheek and cuddled her but he’d been pretty monosyllabic when she’d asked him how his day was. Archie had visited after Finn and Rae had broken down on Archie. Archie had comforted Rae as best he could and had tried to explain to Rae how he thought Finn might be feeling. Archie knew Finn pretty well but hadn’t seen much of him that recently and to be honest he had felt a bit jealous of Finn’s relationship with Rich. He and Rae had discussed this too and decided that work had taken over a bit much for all of them. They were now getting to a stage where they were all going to have to make more effort to make time for each other.

Rae knew the dynamic of the group had changed. Dan and Archie were spending more time with each others work friends. Likewise Chop and Izzy had a whole mixture of friends and Rich and Chloe were spending more time as a couple of with his friends. Things were changing and moving on and her having baby was like the end of an era for all of them.

********************************************

Rae had been home for two days when Archie called and suggested a group meal. He’d actually checked with Finn and Rich first about which day would be best from a work perspective. Chop had actually been the instigator and Archie had a fair idea as to why.

Rae really wasn’t in the mood as Finn had continued to be quite distant but Archie had been persuasive. In the end they decided on a Sunday night. Rae was looking forward to having the group all back together again. She knew Finn would be exhausted as his slot at the Ministry of Sound was to be on that Friday and then they were both due to work at No Crap FM on the Saturday night.

Finn hadn’t wanted to go to play at the Ministry of Sound but Rich and Rae had persuaded him to do so. He’d actually really enjoyed himself while he was there and although his set was relatively short, he’d mixed some solid dance mixes of well known tracks like the Roses. It had gone down so well that Pete asked if he would be prepared to go out to Ibiza and play out there for a week or so at the start of the season. He hadn’t been sure and had had to explain that his girlfriend was pregnant and there had been some issues.

Pete had congratulated him and when Finn had explained his girlfriend was actually Rae Earl, he had suggested that she might like to join him. Finn had thanked him and said he’d think about it. The money would be good enough for him to just about buy a small second hand car. But he didn’t know if Rae would want to come and if it was a good idea being away from UK hospitals after what had happened recently.

Saturday’s No Crap FM show had been a more subdued affair than usual. Finn hadn’t really wanted Rae to go to work in case something happened and Rae could sense Finn was not in his usual good mood. She’d managed to banter as best she could with him but their usual edge and tension wasn’t there.

Finn played Monacos “What do you want from me?”  He’d traced LYRICS on her leg

“There is one thing that I would die for

It’s the music, my life is in your hands

Cause when you’re near me, your love is all I need

Now I can’t imagine

What do you want from me?

It’s not how it used to be

You’ve taken my life away “

Rae was pretty upset but she knew that he was trying to tell her that she’d hurt him.

“So this is a song by a band that I know Nelson actually loves but won’t admit to - New Order. It’s called “Regret”. We don’t always make the right decisions and choices.”

Finn listened to the lyrics;

“Just wait till tomorrow

I guess that’s what they all say

Just before they fall apart “

He swallowed. He definitely didn’t want them to fall apart but he knew he was struggling with a number of things, including how Rae had treated him.

“This number is by the one of the best. Sometimes you’re under a lot of strain and you have a lot to think about and you just want all the crap to fade out. It’s the extremely melancholic “Street Spirit” by Radiohead”.

Rae knew Finn had a lot on his mind and she realised she needed to try and cheer him up somehow.

“Nelson, this one’s to cheer you up, running away is a great dream but actually sometimes spending times with good friends and those you care about is a as good as a break it’s Weezer’s “Island in the sun”.

Rae hummed along to the song and traced on his thigh…. YOU AND ME.

“We’ll run away together

We’ll spend some time forever

We’ll never feel bad anymore”

Finn smiled at her and decided Ibiza may not be such a bad idea after all. He took her hand in his and stroked the back of it with his thumb.

“This one is another melancholic track (get the album reference people) by the Smashing Pumpkins. It remind us that us cool kids don’t always have the time and you know what you should make the time. So let’s go back to “1979” before it all distingrates to dust.

“So as my last track didn’t do the trick for Nelson, here is a really upbeat “I don’t care” type of song by Blur it’s “Song 2”. It just makes me want to dance.”

Rae scooted over to Finn and traced on his thigh I’M WORRIED YOU OK?

Finn had nodded. “This one’s for Earl, my “One Love” ‘cos she’s got to know that “anytime [she] wants me, anytime at all, any time [she] needs me all [she’s] got to do is call. …Yeah it’s the best ever - the Stone Roses.”

Rae got it instantly and she scooted over to him and pulled him in close and kissed him . She traced on his thigh - FORGIVE ME - I SHOULD HAVE CALLED. He had been a little surprised but happy when she grabbed his hand and put it on her bump. He stroked it tenderly and had started to relax again. Finn leant forward and kissed Rae on the lips and then lent down and kissed her belly.

It was Rae’s turn next. “So Nelson, this one’s for you as you are OUR “Wonderwall” it had to be this one by Oasis and I know you’re going to be an amazing father”.

Finn couldn’t believe she’d announced it live on air. It was really brave of her and he loved it. He stood up and pulled her up to kiss her. Once again he felt that the unknown thing inside him - the sapling, was once again doing well, that the crisis had been averted and he relaxed.

As they pulled apart Finn and Rae noticed the entire production team behind the perspex applauding them.

Finn had to close the show “Well Earl I think you’ll find you’re my Wonderwall but as I can’t play that again, I’m going to give you some soul.  The three of us - “Let’s stay together” . It’s the legend - Al Green”.

As they finished the show Steve came through. “About time you two announced it. It’s bloody obvious.” He kissed Rae on the cheek.

“Thanks Steve” Rae said grinning. “Baby’s due in about 13 weeks”.

Steve looked slightly surprised - he was clearly doing the maths in in his head. Rae was getting used to this now.

Steve said;  “Come on let’s celebrate”. They ended up with Finn and Steve drinking Champagne out of chipped mugs and Rae hot chocolate.

When Finn and Rae finally got home, they were both tired and quickly got into bed. Finn pulled Rae into him and kissed her on the hair. Rae started to kiss Finn passionately and he responded. But he pulled away when she reached her hand down to the waist of his pyjama bottoms.

“No, Rae. We can’t. I won’t.”

“But Finn? “

“No Rae, not after last time, I don’t want to risk it.”

Rae was silent. “Please Finn I need you.”

“Rachel Nelson we have the rest of our lives for that, a few weeks of abstinence now isn’t going to kill you. Besides I am sure if you’re that horny I have a remedy.”

Rae remained silent for a while. “What did you call me?”

“You heard…..make of it what you will girl.” Before Rae could reply his lips found her neck and his hand snaked up her nightshirt and she was groaning into his shoulder.

******************************************

Everyone was in good spirits the following evening. They all sat around one large table. After they had eaten their main courses, Chop used his knife to tap his glass.

“Right now people. I have some news. Some amazing news. Izzy and I are going to get married…fuckin’ love you Izz.” He said with a broad toothy grin.

There were shrieks of joy from the girls and congratulations from the boys. Chop was clearly over the moon.

Chloe then stood up..”Well Rich and I have some news too. No we’re not getting married but…I’ve sold my flat and we’re buying one of the new Riverfront flats, we exchanged on Friday.”

There was more whooping and claps. Finn, however, looked worried for a minute and Rich took him  to one side. “Nelson, it’s fine, I’m not selling the house… you see I thought you two might like to rent it from me.”

Finn frowned for a moment and Rich said because Finn was mate, he could have it at mate’s rates. The monthly rent Rich named was well below market value and Finn asked Rich If he was sure and Rich nodded “But on one condition - you DJ for me twice a month…. “.

Finn hugged Rich and looked at him. He kissed him on the lips “I fuck’in love you Rich”.

Rich laughed and realised the entire table was looking at them. Finn looked at them and said “I fuckin’ love all of you” and went round and kissed them all with Rae being last she looked at him frowning.

So Finn said “Rae and I have some news….no it’s not that we’re having a baby together because I think you might have notice that already…. we’re moving into Rich’s house properly”.

A huge grin spread across Rae’s face. Rae kissed Finn and leapt up and kissed Chloe and Rich on the cheek.

Everyone had had a great night and for once things seemed to be going well for all of them.

**********************************

Buoyed up from the previous night, Finn decided to talk to Rae about Ibiza. She liked the idea of it but was very reluctant to go - partly because the bleed had scared her and partly because she really didn’t want to be lounging around in a swimsuit right now.. So Finn had suggested that he wouldn’t go.

“Don’t be daft Finn, it’s only a week and it’ll do you good to get some sun. Besides we should probably start thinking about what we need for the baby, I mean it’s good money.”

“Yeah but you and our little bundle need me far more than we need the money. Especially now Rich has said we can rent the house.”

“Finn this is a batchelor pad, have you actually asked Rich what he’s taking and what he’s leaving we might actually need to buy some furniture, as I don’t want to be sitting on milk crates and sleeping on the floor.”

Finn sniggered “They are not milk crates Rae and they make perfectly good little stools.”

Rae laughed “Not if you’re 6 months pregnant they don’t.”

“Rae are you really ok with us living here? I know it’s not the largest place and the garden isn’t huge. I mean are you ok leaving your flat and that.”

“Don’t be so bloody silly Finn, I left the flat a few weeks ago now, it was very much a place to crash for me. I’ll miss the screen but I’m sure Chlo will let me have my photos and stuff back. What about you - bit of an end of an era - you leaving Chop and Izzy’s?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah I miss Chopper. But him and Izz need their own space right now. Chop told me Izz was really broody….wonder if she’ll be up the duff for the wedding?”

“Finn…up the duff!!! Really? What kind of expression is that?” Rae said with fake indignation.

“Sorry…. I meant pregnant.” He said smirking and he leant down and kissed Rae’s bump. “Hey little one, can’t wait to meet you.” The baby started kicking at that moment and gave Finn a bit of a shock.

Rae started laughing out loud. “I think he takes after you Nelson…. bit of a fighter.”

“Oi you, last time I punched someone was for you girl…..and besides she might just be as feisty as her mother.”

“Hummm we’ll see who’s right Nelson.”

Finn smiled “ I’ll bet you 5p. “

“Done”. Rae replied.

“Look Finn, about Ibiza. I want you to go, life won’t stop when I have the baby, we’ll need money and I’d rather you managed to get a really good job and we actually had more time to spend together.”

“Rae, I can’t leave you”

“Finn, I’m pregnant and not ill as you know. Besides the baby’s not due for another 13 weeks - did Pete say when he wanted you?”

“Well it’s up to me but ideally in a couple of weeks time.”

“Right then you’re going. That’s the end of it Nelson.”

“But who’s going to look after you? I don’t know when Rich and Chloe are moving yet.”

Rae sat there for a while and frowned as she thought.

“I could actually do with taking some holiday off work. Do you think your dad would mind if I went to stay with him?”

Finn raised his eyebrows at Rae. “Really? You’d like to stay with da? He’d love it girl.”

“Will you go then?”

Finn frowned and bit his lip and nodded. “Are you sure you want to stay with da though?”

Rae nodded. Finn pulled her in close and kissed her with his hand remaining gently on her belly. He felt that the sapling was now beginning to use energy to expand its roots.

****************

Finn flew out to Ibiza a week later. Gary had come to the house and taken Finn and Rae to the airport. He’d watched as his son had struggled to say goodbye to his girlfriend. He was still surprised that in the space of a few months, his son could have come from a very unhappy and tempestuous relationship, to one where he was very much in love with an amazing girl and with a baby on the way.

Gary drove Rae back to his house. There was a slightly awkward silence as Gary carried Rae’s bags through the door until Gary offered to make the tea. Rae and Gary settled down to a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits.

“Rae, I wasn’t sure which room you’d want to sleep in. I thought you’d probably like Finn’s old room but I can make up the spare room if you’d prefer.”

“Finn’s room would be fine Gary, thank you”.

“So er, how did you two meet?”

“On the show - No Crap FM. God Finn was irritating at first. He really thought he had the superior music knowledge. Oh shit sorry” Rae clapped her hand over her mouth as she realised who she was talking to.

Gary burst into laughter. “Yeah Finn does take his music very seriously. He’s always liked music ever since he was little. And after his mum left - well he used to listen to it with my mum - you know all the classics - folk, pop, soul, jazz - you name it they listened to it together.”

Rae smiled “I wondered how on earth he had such broad taste.”

“Well I’d like to say it was down to me but it was really my mum. She just bought records all the time when I was growing up so she had a big collection before Finn was even born. When Finn was little, my mum used to buy boxes of records from car boot sales or charity shops and they’d spend hours listening to them. It was the only time he was ever really calm and happy.”

Gary wondered if he’d said too much. Rae put her hand on his arm “You know Finn loves you and he loved his nan too.”

Gary smiled and then frowned, “You know Rae I’m never quite sure whether we made up for the lack of his mum though.”

Gary looked down and took a deep breath.

“Oh Gary, he knows you did your best. He knows he was loved and is loved.”

“Christ Rae………… you know he’s really lucky to have met you. You know you …….you remind me of my mum.”

“Am I looking that old right now?” Rae pulled a face. “Actually, Finn said so too.” she added quietly.

“How about we go and listen to some of my mum’s collection then?”

“I’d like that Gary, I really would.”

*********************************************

Rae and Gary settled down into an easy routine. Gary worked in the mornings and came home for a late lunch. Finn phoned mostly at lunchtime and sometimes again in the early evening when there was time. Rae arranged to visit her mother in the mornings to catch up. She’d also managed to spend an entire day with her mum and sister - a proper girly day most unlike her and her mother but her sister was most definitely in her element.

Rae loved sleeping in Finn’s old room. She borrowed a couple of Finn’s old shirts to sleep in and wear. She had been bleeding a tiny amount but it had just about stopped. She’d called the midwife who told her to come in if it started again. Luckily it appeared to have stopped. Nevertheless she’d hardly slept that night, having strange dreams about giving birth to an alien creature and Finn hooking up with Alice in Ibiza.

She woken up feeling quite upset and disorientated. She’d had a shower and had breakfast after Gary had left. Doubts started to creep into her mind about Finn and what on earth they were doing together. Rationally she told herself Finn loved her - he’d told her so many times and logically everything that everyone else said and did supported that. But she was feeling particularly low that day - her bump seemed enormous, so did her breasts and the rest of her. Her ankles were puffy and so was her face from lack of sleep. She tried to calm herself down but it was hard in an empty house.

In the end she’d cried herself back to sleep, waking up at 4 in the afternoon. She heard Gary was downstairs and looked at her watch - she realised she must have missed Finn’s call. When Rae made it downstairs Gary put the kettle on. He was slightly worried as Rae was looking rather pale. He’d spoken to Finn on the phone who had been panicked when his father had told him Rae was asleep. In the end Gary had knocked gently on Finn’s door and when there was no reply he’d looked around just to confirm Rae was ok - she had been sound asleep. He’d relayed this to his son who had calmed down a little especially as Gary had explained he’d known Rae had been awake most of the night as he could hear her pacing around in Finn’s room.

Gary had made a pot of tea and brought out a cake.

“You alright love - would you like a cup of tea?”

Rae nodded and Gary poured out the tea. He then cut a slice of cake and offered it to Rae but she’d simply shook her head and burst into tears.

“Are you alright love? What is it?”

“Why are you giving me cake Gary, I mean look at me, it’s not as if I need cake Gary, if I get much bigger…”

With that Rae realised who she was speaking to and ran upstairs sobbing on Finn’s bed.

Gary rummaged around in the kitchen cupboards and found his emergency cigarettes. He took his tea outside and lit a cigarette. He wasn’t sure how to handle this. He remembered his wife had been very much up and down when pregnant with Finn. It had affected her that much that she’d never wanted anymore children.

In the end Gary went upstairs and knocked on Finn’s bedroom door. “Rae, love? You ok?”

Rae had just about stopped crying, she felt silly and embarrassed about her previous outburst. She nodded but was struggling not to cry again.

Gary came and sat on the bed next to Rae.

“Gary I am so sorry, I don’t know…” and her tears started to fall again. “It’s just well I don’t look like…” she bit her lip.

Gary took a deep breath “Rae, we both know that Finn is very much in love with you. I practically had to stop him getting on the next plane back here all because you were asleep and missed one single phone call. He’s never spoken about someone the way he talks about you. He loves everything about you - I know that because he’s always talking about you. And he can’t wait to become a dad. ….If you must know Rae, Finn’s never been one for relationships, I spent so many hours fending off phone calls and girls he was avoiding…”

“But Alice…”

“Alice was a nightmare. She was demanding and selfish, you can probably tell I didn’t like her. The thing I disliked most was that Finn hardly said a word in all the time they were going out. Not to me, and not to her from what I can tell. He was also very unhappy with her.”

“But she’s so pretty.”

“Beauty is very much in the eye of the  beholder. Alice had a very mainstream look and let’s face it Rae, if there’s one thing Finn doesn’t like it’s mainstream.”

Rae started to giggle at Gary’s attempt to explain things. “You trying to say I’m not mainstream Gary?”

“Er well. I err”

“Only teasing Gary. Thanks - sorry  I don’t know what’s up with me these days.”

“You are pregnant Rae, that means hormones and stuff.”

“Sometimes you Nelson men have a real way with word…..”stuff” really?” she started to giggle.

“It’s good to see you smile again Rae. You can probably tell Finn gets his way with words from me - shall we go and stick some music on, Finn said he’d call again in about an hour.”

Rae nodded and stood up and gasped.

“Oh my god baby’s just turned around big time and he’s kicking the crap out of me now. Here..”

Rae grasped his hand and placed it on her belly.

Gary smiled at her “He is it?”

“I think so I have a bet with Finn, he’s a boy because he’s always on the move.”

*******************************

Gary picked Finn up from the airport early in the morning - Rae had agreed she could do without the early start. Finn looked quite tired but tanned when Gary picked him up. Finn explained he’d being going to bed around 7am and sleeping through to early afternoon, when he’d eat lunch and sleep more on the beach. Finn confided in Gary he’d just about earnt enough to buy a second hand car. Gary was extremely proud of his son.

“I’ve loved having Rae to stay son. She’s an amazing girl - you’re bloody lucky.”

“I know da. I can’t quite believe it myself sometimes.”

“Finn - the baby is going to be hard work - I am sure you don’t’ need me to tell you that. But you two will really have to work together. I am sure you can do it. You know I am here if either of you need to talk. I just don’t’ want what happened with…maybe if I had…”

Finn bit the inside of his cheek hard.

“Da ………………that wasn’t your fault and ..thanks. I know it’s going to be tough but it’s Rae and how could I not love our baby?”

“Son I know you’ll love your baby but on a more practical level - how long have you two actually been together… I don’t mean it like that but how long have you ….how well do you know each other…? I ‘m just saying you’ll need to work with each other sometimes, relationships take work.”

Finn bit his lip - he wanted to talk to his dad and decided to explain. “We, well you know we’ve not lived together that long really - Rich and Chloe haven’t completed on their flat yet so we’re all still living together. You know That Rae and I sort of got together on the show and well, the first time……. well you know what happened.”

Gary thought carefully about what to say next but he knew he owed Rae as well as Finn. “Rae is a fantastic girl Finn, she’s very genuine and kind, funny and clever. And she certainly can give you a run for your money on the music front. And I want nothing more than it to all work out for you both and that baby. But if Rae wasn’t pregnant how would you feel ….where do you think you’d be?”

“Da you can’t ask that…. you know I love Rae and if she wasn’t pregnant I would probably be asking her to be my wife. This is not just because she’s pregnant.”

“I’m bloody glad to hear it son. So are you going to ask her?”

Finn bit his lip “I think so dad but she’s feeling a bit funny about herself right now and I’m not sure that she needs the stress or pressure about thinking about a wedding right now and being as I intend to spend the rest of my life with her ..I think I can wait until after the baby is born.” Finn grinned.

Gary smiled “You’ve really thought about all of this haven’t you son. I am bloody pleased for you and bloody proud of you too.”

********************

Finn was exhausted as he’d flown home having not been to bed at all the night before. He’d gone straight up to his room to find Rae asleep wearing one of his old flannel shirts. He’d stripped down to his boxers and a t-shirt and climbed into bed pulling her close to him. Rae had woken up and turned over to kiss Finn enthusiastically.

The kiss had morphed into something more passionate and Finn had ended up pleasuring Rae using his tongue and fingers and Rae had replied in kind. They had ended up sleeping limbs tangled together on the bed.

Gary had woken them up at about 8pm to say he was going out and to ask if they needed anything. Finn and Rae had spent the next couple of hours talking and making plans for the baby. They agreed they would wait until Rae was about 35 weeks pregnant and they would go and buy everything they needed as by then Finn thought he would have bought a car and it would be so much easier. Besides they had nowhere to store anything with the four of them living in the house together.

Rae was fairly relaxed about what they needed to buy. Her mother had actually been pretty helpful explaining that all a baby really needed was love and you could spend hundreds of pounds on things that you didn’t actually need. She and Rae had made a list together of what Rae needed to buy which made Rae feel far calmer about the situation.

Finn had made them supper which they’d eaten in bed and after that was finished, he’d ended up singing to Rae’s belly which had made her laugh. He knew they were both back to work as normal the next day and he wanted to spend this precious time relaxing together.

************************

Rae had gone back to work as she knew they needed the money. Finn had played in London 6 times over a fortnight and was dead on his feet. Every Time his alarm went off, he felt as if he’d only just put his head on the pillow. Rich and Chloe had not moved out as their new flat wouldn’t be ready until just before the baby was due. But Chloe had found a buyer for her flat.

After one particularly long night in London where Finn had once again played at the Ministry, he hadn’t bothered going to bed. Instead he’d stayed up chatting to Pete and other DJ’s about music and they’d all mixed some tracks and had fun. Finn took the train back and arrived at home just as Rae and Chloe were going to work. He could barely keep his eyes open. He’d kissed Rae and her belly goodbye and had stumbled up the stairs, tripped and ended up swearing like a trooper on the landing.

Rich had popped out of his room to see what was going on and had burst into laughter at the site of Finn lying on the landing swearing.

“Sorry Nelson but you’ve got to admit it’s funny.”

“Fuck off, I tripped ‘cos i am so tired. Fuckin’ hell why did I not go to bed?”

“Good night?”

“Something like that - ended up at an after hours party at the Ministry mixing tracks.”

“Fucking hell Nelson they may offer you a job… sounds like a good prospect.”

“I dunno. It’s always late finishes and nights away. Not sure I’d..” Finn stopped as looked at up at Rich and saw he looked pretty awful with red rimmed eyes and huge bags under his eyes.

“You look like you’ve not slept either Rich.”

“Yeah I’d just come upstairs when you got here.”

Finn couldn’t understand why as The Dolly closed at 2 and at worst Rich would be in bed by 5. He frowned.

“Big mess last night or something else?”

   

“I….erm…. I drank rather a lot and I was in no fit state to go to bed.”

“You ok? “

Rich turned and looked away and Finn knew something was amiss with his friend. But he knew he had to tread carefully which was always hard when he knew he was no good with words and tended to put his foot in it.

“Why were you drinking Rich? It’s midweek so ….. not partying?”

Rich sat down next to Finn and shook his head and bit his lip.

Very quietly he said “It was 5 years ago today Finn.”

Finn sat there knowing whatever this was, was causing Rich immense pain and he wanted to listen and not cause him to clam up so he said nothing.

“James was…… shit I shouldn’t be telling you this , not now.” said Rich shaking his head.

Finn had an idea where this was going. “Rich, please it’s ok. I don’t mind.” He put an arm around Rich’s shoulders.

Rich took a deep breath. “Five years ago today, James…. was born… but……he’d died in the womb.”

Rich was openly sobbing now and Finn hugged him. Finn knew these things happened and it frightened the shit out of him but he also knew it was pretty rare from the books he’d read.

“Shit Rich, I am so sorry, jesus Christ that’s fucking awful.” Finn knew that Rich’s wife had lost a baby but no real details.

“Emma was 26 weeks pregnant at the time, they said it was just one of those things. You know she left me 3 months later, without a word. I couldn’t mend things Finn, it was ….I don’t know. She’s married again now. “

“Yeah and you’ve got Chloe. I know that doesn’t take away from the pain though” Finn bit his lip.

“Yeah Chloe’s fucking great but I still haven’t told her about James.”

“Oh”

“I want to but …. Finn I’ve got a box with his stuff in and I’ve not been able to open it since and .”

Rich sat that contemplating what he was gonna say next, could he say it…”Would you, I know it’s a bit odd but ..”

“You want me to get it?” Rich nodded.

Finn found the box as instructed and gave it to Rich. Rich opened the box and touched the tiny hat. He passed each item to Finn as he took it out including the scan pictures and the tiny foot and hand prints. Finn saw a memorial service card and swallowed. Instead of making things worse for Rich, Finn noticed that Rich was opening up more and crying less as they went through the stuff.

The two went outside for a cigarette.

“Thanks for that Finn.”

“It was nothing. I know you’d do the same for me.”

Rich nodded. “Having seen you and Rae, it’s made me think, that I think I’d like to be a dad myself one day.”

Finn raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah I think I’m in it for the long run with Chloe, that is if she’ll have me.”

Finn smiled and then yawned. He shut his eyes as the morning sun hit them.

“Nelson you look like I feel, I suppose we should both get some sleep.”

Finn nodded.

As they walked back upstairs, Finn saw Rich freeze slightly and swallow as he saw the box. Finn put a hand on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to put it back?”

Rich shook his head. For someone who was always so outwardly confidence he surprised Finn by stuttering out… “Erm Nelson…. I er… would you”.

Finn looked at him “Fancy some company?”.

Rich nodded “If you dont’ mind. I’d rather not be on my own.”

“Actually I sleep better when I’m not on me own either.”

Rich smiled at Finn.

“But you’re no substitute for Rae, and by the way you snore.”

“Fucking don’t….”

“You bloody well do.”

“Well you humm in your sleep Nelson.”

Finn looked shocked. “Rae’s never said anything.”

Rich laughed “She probably sleeps through it. Though I must say I am surprised you two don’t argue about music in your sleep.”

Finn grabbed the bolster pillow and shoved it down the centre of the bed.

Rich laughed “You frightened you’re going to wake up with my boner pressed in your back… I don’t think I’m going to mistake you for Chloe somehow….”

“I’m more worried I’m gonna end up spooning you Rich” Finn joked.

The pair of them got into bed and Rich turned the radio on to No Crap FM. “Night Nelson”.

“Morning’s more like it.”

The pair turned on their sides and fell asleep.

*****************************************

Rae got home from work at 4 having done a short shift. She finding work far more tiring now she was over 30 weeks pregnant and was seriously thinking about giving up. She wanted to make it to 34 weeks at least otherwise she’d have to start her maternity leave really early and she was only too aware of the financial implications of this.

She had a cup of milk as she was craving that and raided the fridge. Although she’d eaten a couple of hours ago, she was ravenous. She ended up eating two pieces of toast slathered in nutella and three pickled onions. She realised she could do with a nap before Chloe got home and made her way upstairs. As usual “her” bedroom door was open and when Finn wasn’t in their bed she tiptoed down the landing and stuck her head around Rich’s bedroom door which was also open.

Finn and Rich were asleep back to back and No Crap FM was playing. Finn was fully dressed and Rich appeared to be in a hoody. Rae was happy to Finn was actually sleeping as she knew he’d not been sleeping at all well - partly due to the hours he worked and partly due to his fretting since she’d been in hospital. But she realised she was actually a teensy bit jealous as she would have liked to snuggle up to Finn. She was about to turn and leave when she saw Finn stirring.

He opened his eyes and saw Rae, he was still warm and heavy with sleep. He held his hand out to Rae who tiptoed around to see what Finn wanted. He tried to pull her towards him. Rae raised her eyebrows and Finn blinked sleepily at her and lifted up the covers.

“”But Rich” she whispered.

“Fast asleep, he won’t care.”

Rae hesitated for a second and remembered the number of times she’d passed out on the sofa at the club next to Rich, or the time they had shared a bed after a particularly raucous new year’s party. Rae took her converse off and climbed in.

Finn threw the bolster out of the bed and shuffled backwards. He tightly spooned Rae and kissed her hair and slung his arm around her waist and placed his hand on her belly. Rae fell asleep very quickly.

Chloe had got home at 6:30 and couldn’t understand why nobody was up and the radio was playing.

She wasn’t quite sure what to make of the scene that greeted her when she went into “her” room. Rae was on the far side of the bed being tightly held by Finn who was snuggled into her. Rich was on the near side of the bed lying on his back. There was a lidded box on the cabinet next to him.

Chloe cleared her throat.  “Erm is this is an exclusive party or is there room for one more?”

The three bodies stirred in the bed.

Rich opened his eyes and saw Finn wrapped around Rae and laughed.

“Nelson you cheeky sod, sneaking your girlfriend in.”

Finn laughed “Yeah well… you were sound asleep.”

Rich turned to Chloe “Come on in babe.”

Chloe laughed and Rich shuffled right back so he and Finn were pressed hard against each others backs to make room for Chloe.

“How was your day then Chlo?”

“Busy, really busy. God it’s lovely and warm in here… who’s been eating onions?”

“That would be me Chlo, nutella and pickled onions today.” said Rae

“Ugh. Really Rae, you need some classier cravings. Like …. I dunno jammie dodgers and skips.”

“Ooh sounds good…. anyone fancy a cup of tea and a snack” said Rae.

“Yeah in a minute Rae, just stay a little longer..” said Rich

“Yeah please stay……..” said Finn. There was a brief silence before he said “You know its’ funny everything’s going to change soon and right now I feel…happy…you know content all of us are here together.” said Finn.

“Actually I am sort of sad to be moving” said Chloe “I’ll miss having you as housemates. Even you Finn, I’ll miss your cooking and your singing.”

Rae started to cry a bit “Oh Chloe I am so going to miss you.”

“You’ll have a baby Rae, you’ll probably forget me..”

“Dont be daft Chloe”. Rae tried to climb over Finn but sort of fell into Rich who rolled Chloe over him. The girls ended up hugging.

“Just because I’ll have a baby doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together Chlo. It doesn’t.”

“But “ Chloe started to cry.

“Right I’m going for a smoke” said Finn, realising the girls needed to talk.

“And I’ll make the tea” said Rich.

Rae and Chloe sat up in bed hugging and chatting for a good half an hour. Chloe had confessed she was slightly jealous of Rae having a baby, how much she loved Rich but she always felt he was holding back. Rae explained that she was worried how Finn would cope without Rich to open up to.

Rich and Finn appeared with a tray of tea and biscuits and the four of them drank tea and ate biscuits in bed.

When they finished the tea and biscuits Finn grabbed Rae’s hand.

“Come on girl, I’m taking you out for an early supper.”

“Finn I’m tired.”

“Rae I am not taking no for an answer” he replied raising his eyebrows and pulling Rae after him and downstairs.

“Finn ?”

“I’ll tell you in a minute” he said throwing her a coat.

“Finn you do realise you’ve been wearing those clothes for over 24 hours now.”

“Yeah well, some things are more important than clean clothes.”

Finn took Rae to a cafe and they sat down and ordered baked potatoes with chilli.

“So what’s this all about Nelson.”

“Rich needs to talk to Chloe.”

“He can do that anytime Finn.”

Finm bit his lip and then told Rae about James. He and Rich had discussed it while they were making the tea. Rich knew he wanted to tell Chloe and Finn said he’d give them some space. Rae was in tears and Finn wasn’t sure whether he should have told Rae, but on balance, he’d decided he needed to be the one to tell Rae as he knew Chloe would otherwise.

“It can’t be easy with me being there” said Rae.

“No, Rich has actually found it shelp him Rae. I think he’s really serious about Chloe and….. I think he’d like to become a dad but he needs Chloe to understand.”

“You know what Nelson, for someone who claims they’re crap with words and feelings, you’re fucking amazing. You just get people and you’re a fucking amazing friend.”

Finn blushed and shook his head “Nah, I only get some people. It’ s just that you and Rich are well both quite like me. You both get me.”

“I think you let us in Finn.”

Finn looked down “Best be going Rae.” There was a limit to how much he could take.

************************************************************************

The two couples very much found a comfortable rhythm in the next couple of weeks. Chloe had been really protective of Rich and tried to make sure he was ok. She was relieved Rich had told her about James, he’d also discussed their long term future and the fact that they both wanted children.

Rich had decided to leave his deputy manager in charge of The Dolly for a couple of nights a week so he could get home at a reasonable time and spend more time with Chloe.

Finn and Rich slept a lot during the day, sometimes sharing a bed and sometimes apart. The four had shared cups of tea in bed a few times, particularly when Rich and Finn had been sleeping in the day. They could all feel the impending change that was coming and wanted to make the most of their new found closeness and openness and their friendships before their lives were turned upside down again. They weren’t to know just how soon that change would come.

Finn had climbed into bed with Rae one night at 2am having done a slot on the local radio station. Rich and Chloe had been out that evening as he’d left his manager in charge and had got back early and were fast asleep. Finn was exhausted and had quickly fallen asleep in his favourite position with Rae pulled tight against him.

He’d not been asleep that long when he’d woken up as Rae had been groaning and moving around.

“Finn, Finn” she had moaned. He realised his pyjamas were wet and so was the bed and he’d thought her waters had broken even though she was on 32 weeks pregnant.

“Rae…. Rae… It’s ok I’ll call an ambulance.”

He’d started to panic when the only thing she said was “Finn.” It didn’t sound like her at all.

Finn got out of bed and turned the light on. He’d looked down and realised he was covered in blood, he’d fallen onto the bed and grabbed Rae. She was almost grey and the bed was covered in blood.

He didn’t know how he’d shouted but he had.

Rich came running through to find Finn cradling Rae, both covered in blood.

He’d called an ambulance and run to the bathroom to get towels. The ambulance hadn’t taken long to get there, Rich just hoped they would get to the hospital in time.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right - this comes with a health warning for a number of reasons:  
> You’re going to need a cup, no a pot of tea and a packet of biscuits - it’s over 20,000 words.  
> It’s darn intense.  
> The story line may be a little hard to take - you can bear with it or you can message me if you need the outcome at the start.  
> It’s different to other parts I’ve written and I wonder if anyone will spot why.  
> I do hope you like it - this really should have been a 100,000 word exposition but I couldn’t keep it that detailed.

Chloe had fainted when she’d seen all the blood as Finn went with Rae in the ambulance. The paramedics had told Rich to grab Finn some clothes and to go to the hospital by car. Chloe had come round but was in a state of complete shock. Rich had called both Archie and Izzy.

Chop and Izzy had arrived first to take care of Chloe. She was extremely upset having seen her barely conscious friend being carried down the stairs covered in blood. Rich had reassured her that this was normal reaction. But he was shaking, he remembered how he’d felt when James had arrived and he just hoped the outcome would be different for Rae and Finn. A more frightening prospect crossed his mind… Finn could lose both the baby and Rae. He was very grateful when Archie arrived.

Archie and Rich went to the hospital at speed. Archie had driven like a man possessed which was most unlike him. He’d allowed Rich to smoke in the car and Archie had asked for one when Rich was lighting his third. The two barely exchanged two words on the drive.

They’d struggled to find Finn in the hospital. They’d tried A&E but that was heaving when Rich suddenly realised Rae would be in maternity or in theatre. The maternity ward was locked and they had pressed the buzzer but there had been no reply for quite sometime. Eventually a dragon of a sister had come out to the door and asked them who they wanted. An absolute jumble of words had fallen from Rich’s mouth none of which formed a complete sentence and made no real sense. Archie, however, managed to explain they were there because they were friends of Rae Earl and Finn Nelson her boyfriend.

“Oh I see. Right well I’ll just be a minute if you can wait here please.” The sister’s voice had dropped its previous authoritarian tone.

The sister came back to the ward’s door with a very pale and shaking Finn. He had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. Archie went white when he saw Finn’s blood stained pyjamas under the blanket as he realised that was Rae’s blood.

Finn didn’t say anything he just shook and Archie pulled him into a hug.

The sister took Rich to one side.

“I’m not technically suppose to let you in as it’s birthing partners only. But given the circumstances…he’s in shock. He really needs to get changed - did you bring some clothes - he refused the scrubs?”

Rich nodded. He was starting to feel a bit sick. He wanted to ask how Rae was but he couldn’t find the words. He knew he needed to be strong for Finn right now.

“I’m afraid there’s no news yet - they’re still in theatre.” The sister continued.

Very quietly Rich asked “But they must have been in there for…” He stopped as he realised what that must mean.

“If you were one for praying, now would be the time” the sister said quietly away from Finn’s earshot.

The sister took them into a side room and said she would be back with tea. She was quite relieved that someone had come because she’d been worried about Finn being on his own. She knew things hadn’t looked good when they’d brought Rae in. Fortunately they’d been able to take her straight into theatre. Given how long it had been, she knew the surgical team would be struggling to stop the bleeding. She knew the baby would have been born by now but she didn’t know whether the baby had survived. She saw a lot of things in her job, most of them happy and joyous but at times like these she struggled. She knew only too well how cruel fate could be.

She said a prayer as she made the tea. She wasn’t sure she believed in God anymore but that young lady and her baby needed as much help as she could get. She also knew she shouldn’t really be making the tea - it was an assistant’s job, but cases like these took great care to handle and there was no substitute for experience.

Archie had managed to get Finn sitting down. He was was pretty silent and staring straight ahead but his shaking was getting worse. He caught Rich’s eye.

“Come on let’s get you out of these clothes.”

Finn shook his head.

Rich sat down on the other side of Finn. “Come on Nelson, this isn’t good for you. You’ll end up getting ill if we can’t get you warm and dry”. He’d then grimaced at what had soaked into Finn’s pyjamas.

Finn had nodded and he’d managed to stand up. But he’d not really moved at all.

Rich had swallowed and caught Archie’s eye.

“Finn do you want us to help you?”

Finn had nodded almost imperceptibly.

Archie and Rich had carefully undressed and redressed Finn like he was a small child. He’d not said a word until Rich had tried to put Finn’s blood soaked clothes in a bag and Finn had tried to pull them back.

“That’s Rae’s blood.”

Archie’s head fell into hands and Rich had had to swallow so he could speak. “I know, I know, we won’t do anything with them now, just let us put them in the bag yeah?”

The sister had come in with a tray of tea and Rich had managed to get Finn to sit down. Archie had made three cups of very sugary tea and he sat down and held a mug up to Finn’s lips to drink. They managed to get about half a cup down Finn.  Rich and Archie needed the tea too. Neither knew what to say. Rich had switched the radio on and in the end Finn had collapsed onto Archie’s shoulder.

Eventually the sister had opened the door, she pulled up a chair and sat opposite Finn.

“I promised to come back as soon as I had news.”

Finn’s eyes were wide open.

“Your daughter was born about an hour ago. There had been a placental abruption causing the bleeding - the placenta pulled away from the wall of the womb.  They have had resuscitate her…more than once. The neonatal team are trying to stabilise her and they will come and talk to as soon as they can.”

Archie grabbed Finn’s hand and Finn swallowed “And Rae?”

“I’m afraid they are still working to try and stop the bleeding. But..”

“But what?” Finn had shouted.

“I’m afraid it’s not looking good.”

Finn’s body started to retch and the the sister quickly put a bowl in front of him as he was violently sick. When he’d stopped being sick he’d virtually collapsed.

Rich had pulled him in close and Finn had started to cry a little, his head buried in Rich’s chest and Archie still holding his hand. Suddenly Finn sat upright “Linda” he said.

“I’ll go” said Archie.

Archie had called Gary first. He’d been asleep as it wasn’t yet 5am. Gary had suggested he call Linda and arrange to bring her to the hospital on account of Rae’s sister.  Linda had been confused then horrified. She had agreed to Gary’s plan and had been very grateful that she hadn’t had to take her youngest daughter with her but had been able to leave her with her father.

Archie had met Linda and Gary outside the ward and explained what little he knew. The three had sat on a plastic bench situated outside the ward. The sister had come out and taken Gary to be with Finn whilst Archie stayed with Linda. When Gary walked into the side room, Finn was clinging onto to Rich.

Rich had realised who Gary was an introduced himself. When he heard his father’s voice, Finn had finally broken down and ended up sobbing in Gary’s arms, still holding onto Rich’s hand. After another half hour had passed, the sister decided that she was going to break all the rules and brought in Archie and Linda.

Not a word was said. The sister came back with another tray of tea and asked Gary to get Finn to drink some. Archie was comforting Linda. He’d known Linda for quite a few years and he’d never known her to be quiet let alone silent. She always had an opinion on something.

Dawn was breaking as the surgeon arrived back in the room with the sister. He sat down on the table in the middle of the room opposite Finn.

“I’m sorry it’s taken this long, I know you must be extremely worried. I’m afraid the placenta had become partially detached and that caused the bleeding. We think Rachel probably only lost a couple of pints before your daughter was born but I’m afraid she hemorrhaged after that and we’ve not quite been able to completely stop the bleed. We don’t know what’s caused it but I’m afraid to say I think she’s got an infection of some sort. We’ve given her a lot of blood to compensate for what she’s lost. They are currently taking her up to ITU and when she’s stable you will be able to go and see her. But I’m afraid we had to intubate and she’s still very unwell but we’ll give her antibiotics and hope it settles.”

Finn was squeezing Rich’s hand tight.

“Will she be ok?”

“We just don’t know but she’s a hell of a fighter and that’ll give her the best chance.”

**************************************

The neonatal team had visited an hour later.

The consultant had introduced himself to Finn.

“Mr Nelson, we’ve managed to stabilise your daughter. We had to resuscitate her more than once but she’s a real fighter. We’ve intubated her and she’s currently stable. She’s a good weight for her gestation  - 3lbs 10. You can come and see her if you would like.”

Finn stared and realised he was asking the same question, he’d only asked an hour previously, “Will she be ok?”

“I can’t make any promises Mr Nelson. There are a number of issues. She was starved of oxygen for a while before her birth but right now her key issues are the fact she can’t currently breathe unaided and there is also the risk of infection particularly as we understand her mother has an infection. It’s best to take each day as it comes.”

The consultant handed Finn a picture. “The nurses took this for you. They thought it might help prepare you for coming onto the unit.”

Finn stared at the picture, all he could see were wires and tubes and a tiny baby with a pink hat on, positioned in a sort of nest inside an incubator. He swallowed and passed the photo to Linda.

“Thank you”.

“I’ll send one of the nurses in so you can visit.”

Finn had suggested that Linda go and visit first with Gary. Gary had frowned but knew his son well enough to know he was really trying to process things in his brain and that he needed some time. The nurses had taken Linda and Gary through. They’d come back some 10 minutes later and asked Finn to go. The nurse told him it would be fine, she’d explain anything he wanted to know or ask and it was entirely understandable that he was nervous.

Something had let go inside Finn at that point and he’d run out of the ward, the sister had buzzed him out as she recognised this to be a reaction to an extremely traumatic event. Rich had followed. Finn was quicker than him but had eventually burnt out a half mile from the hospital. Rich had lit two cigarettes and passed one to Finn. He’d chucked his jacket over Finn’s shoulders. The two had walked in silence back to the main entrance where Gary found them and they sat down on a bench in the early morning drizzle.

“Finn, I know you must be in real turmoil right now especially as … as we don’t know what’s happening with Rae or…… or the baby. I don’t know if you’re numb or it hurts like hell or a combination of the two. We’re all here for you and Rae and the baby. I really think you should try and go into the Neonatal unit. The nurses are all very friendly, and you won’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to. The baby’s in the intensive care bay. It is full of machines that beep and alarms that go off but it’s not too bad son.”

Finn stared ahead. Eventually he spoke. “What’s she like da?”

Gary took Finn’s hand. “She’s small but nowhere near the smallest in there. Yes she is covered in wires and tubes, but she’s perfect Finn…..perfect. She has these tiny hands and feet.”

Finn stared into the distance and took the photo his daughter out of his pocket. He realised he was wearing one of Rae’s shirts which must have found it’s way into his drawer when Chloe did the washing. He swallowed and looked at the photo.

“My daughter.”

Gary nodded “Yes your beautiful baby daughter Finn.”

“Dad, I’m scared, I’m fucking scared.”

Gary squeezed his hand. “I know son, I know”.

  
  


*************************

Gary took Finn up to the neonatal unit, where they had to be buzzed on and wash their hands before entering. The nurses had introduced themselves. They’d taken him through to see his and Rae’s baby. He’d been totally unprepared for how small she’d be, how noisey the alarms were and the constant beeping of the monitoring equipment. The whole environment was so overwhelming, he didn’t’ think he could cope in here without Rae….. Rae. He felt the room close in on him and he thought he was going to black out his feelings of helplessness were so intense.

A nurse had brought a chair for him to sit on and he ended up with his head between his knees, trying to breathe, his father’s hand on his shoulder. Then he’d heard something, he wasn’t sure of he was imagining it as he had to strain to hear those early chords. No those chords were unmistakable. He felt that unnamed thing inside him stir and he turned to his father.

“Jeff Buckley da - Hallelujah.”

HIs father had nodded “Nurses’ station has got a radio son.”

Finn stood up and got closer to the incubator. He looked at his tiny daughter and could see wisps of jet black hair poking out from under the knitted pink hat.

“She’s got Rae’s hair da”. Gary squeezed his son’s hand tightly.

Finn stood there staring in wonder at his daughter gently humming the lyrics. Suddenly an alarm went off and Finn froze. A nurse came in and adjusted something on the one the machines. She explained what was happening but the words couldn’t penetrate his fear.

*************************

Gary had taken Finn up to ITU to see Rae. Finn didn’t know how he’d held it together for the first few minutes. He sat down and picked up Rae’s hand.

“Hey girl, you gave me a terrible fright earlier. ….”  Finn stopped and swallowed.

“I….I love ya, you know that don’t you girl…..please know that I love ya… you and always y..you”

His hand closed around something in his pocket.

“I’ve brought you something girl.” He placed the photo the nurses had taken on the locker next to her bed.

“This is our daughter Rae, our daughter. She’s a beautiful wee dot and she’s got your hair R…r….r…r..r”

Finn’s words had totally failed him and he broke down, huge sobs racking his body.

Gary embraced his son. He was crying too. He loved Rae like a daughter. Somehow he held it together enough to get Finn out of there and outside. He lit a cigarette for himself and passed one to Finn. Finn inhaled on it deeply, trying to regain some sort of control. He’d only taken a couple of drags when he threw it on the floor.

“Fuckin’ can’t even smoke these shitty things anymore, not with them both in there and my daughter… “

Finn started to get very angry and upset and was pacing. The night sister was just coming off shift and out to the carpark when she saw Finn and Gary. She walked over and heard Finn’s rant.

“Hey, you know something Mr Nelson” both Gary and Finn looked up.  “Now is not the time for making your life any harder than it already is. I’m not going to deny that you should probably give up smoking but you’ve had a pretty rough day and a big shock and you really shouldn’t beat yourself up if you need the odd cigarette to get through.”

She didn’t say that in all likelihood he was going to need anything and everything to get him through the next few hours, days and weeks, that was whether or not both mother and baby pulled through.

The sister placed a hand on Finn’s arm “Look, you haven’t heard me say this but I know a couple of the nurses have been known to smoke on a night out but they always shower and change clothes before they come in so there’s no smoke in their hair or on their clothes. So I don’t see why you couldn’t have the odd one at night time before you go home or before you come in and visit. Something to aim for perhaps?”

Finn swallowed and nodded. “Thanks”…”Thanks for everything….” he held out his hand “I’m er Finn Nelson by the way .. me da is Gary.”

“Nice to meet you properly Finn, I’m Janet”.

*********************************************

By the time Finn had found his way back inside with Gary, Chloe, Chop, Izzy, Dan and Karim had arrived.

Linda and Karim went to see Rae and everyone else went to the cafeteria. Finn tried to remember what the doctors had told him about Rae and their baby to relay to the others, Gary had tried to get Finn to eat something but he had refused food but he managed to drink a cup of hot sugary tea. When Linda and Karim came back he took them to the neonatal unit to see their granddaughter. Finn had stood back from the incubator unable to take it all in.

Even Linda was shocked to see her tiny granddaughter on a ventilator and attached to so many wires and tubes. Although her youngest daughter had been born in similar circumstances, she hadn’t been either so premature or so sick and she realised how serious the situation was. It took all her resolve not to break down but she knew it would not help Finn right now.

It was clear when they got back to cafeteria that Finn was struggling with all the people there. He hardly said anything and just stared at the floor. In the end Gary took him to sit with Rae for a while.

Everyone felt so helpless. Rich was very proud of Chloe when she suggested that Finn needed his space and that they should probably go home and wait for news and visit in shifts.

***************************************

Chloe, Rich, Chop and  Izzy had gone back to Rich’s house. Chloe had once again surprised Rich by being the one to instigate sorting out Rae and Finn’s room. She and Izzy had gone up there with bin bags and threw away anything stained including all the bedding. She’d asked Chop to bring his van up to take the mattress to the tip with Rich.

They cleaned the carpets with hot soapy water in silence. The what ifs were too awful to contemplate. Chloe had insisted on taking Izzy shopping for new bedding, bed linen and towels that afternoon. Chop was perplexed but Rich understood it was her way of coping. They had returned with bags and bags of stuff. Rich had pointed out that there was no useable bed without the mattress to put it on. But Chloe had already considered that.

“If Finn doesn’t go and stay with his dad, I can always sleep downstairs or go and stay with Izzy and Chop. Finn needs you more than I do right now and I don’t think he should be left alone. “

Rich pulled Chloe to him kissing her hair and whispering in her ear “You are fucking amazing Chlo and I’m so bloody proud you.”

*********************************************

Everyone reconvened back in the hospital in the evening after the ward rounds. Gary knew Finn was exhausted and in no fit state to sit through both ward rounds especially as there was no guarantee when they were happening. In the end Linda stayed with Rae, while Finn and Gary went to sit with his baby.

The neonatal doctors had explained that his daughter was stable, that her key issues were still breathing and infection risk, particularly now they knew Rae had an infection. They explained that the next 24-48 hours would be critical.

Finn and Gary had gone up to ITU where the doctors had waited to speak to him. Linda was still listed as next of kin as Finn and Rae weren’t married. This bothered Finn on more than one level -  he’d never talked to Rae about the possibility of getting married and now he wondered if he would ever have that chance. The doctors explained that Rae was stable but early indications were that she did have a serious infection which they were trying to culture in the lab to determine which type of antibiotic would be best. In the meantime, she was on a broad spectrum drug and they hoped her body would recover from the shock.

Linda and Karim had gone home as they didn’t want to leave Rae’s sister with Mrs Dewhurst overnight. They had purposely not brought her into visit having decided it would be too traumatic and it would only be a last resort. Linda couldn’t bear to think of that possibility but Karim had calmly talked her through their plan.

Despite all the doctor’s reassurances that they would call Finn at anytime of night, should things change, Finn refused to leave the hospital. Gary could see his son was exhausted but nothing he, nor Archie nor Rich could say would change his mind.

Archie stayed with Finn while Gary went to eat in the cafeteria. When Gary took over sitting with Finn, Archie went home. Dan had spent the day cooking and took food over to Rich’s house for the friends to eat together. Rich had taken over from Gary at midnight to allow Gary to get home to sleep.

Finn had spent the night between the wards, pacing the corridors and had eventually sucummbed to a fitful sleep for a couple of hours in a chair at Rae’s bedside.

The morning had brought no news, no change. Rich managed to get Finn to eat a couple of pieces of toast washed down with strong tea in the morning. In the end, it had been Linda who had managed to persuade Finn to go home if only for a shower and change of clothes. Archie had driven him back to Rich’s house in the afternoon and Finn had collapsed on the sofa still numb, still incapable of processing the events of the previous 36 hours.

Finn had dozed off to the sound of the radio and none of the friends could bear to wake him for the shower. It had been 6pm when they’d received the call that Finn had been dreading. Rae had started to bleed again and had needed another transfusion. When he got back to intensive care, the doctors had taken him into a side room to explain that her body was fighting a massive infection and the next few hours would be critical.

Gary had sat by his side as his son had been told that Rae’s heart rate was sky high, her temperature extremely elevated and they were doing everything they could. He’d squeezed Finn’s hand and said a silent prayer. Linda had joined them at Rae’s bedside privately replaying through her mind the time they’d brought Rae in after she’d cut too deeply that time and wishing that whatever force had pulled her though last time would resurrect and once again pull her through.

Finn sat there in silence listening to the machines, the beeping, the sounds of the ward. He couldn’t understand how his life had gone from joy and anticipation to this in the space of a few hours.

“Mr Nelson.” one of the nurses came over and looked at Finn. “I…er… I’ve just had Neonatal on the phone, I’m afraid there have been …complications… with your daughter.”

The feeling was so intense that Finn had no idea what to do, both his girls needed him, he felt like he was being ripped in two with an impossible decision to make. He swallowed and blinked back a couple of tears but was utterly paralysed. He knew his dad and Linda were talking to him but he couldn’t hear the words. He was brought out of his trance by the nurse’s hand on his.

“Please Mr Nelson, please go and see your baby. We’ll call you if there’s any change here.”

Finn had no idea how his legs carried him down the the neonatal unit. His father was supporting him on one side and Rich on the other. The nurses stopped them on the way in explaining it was family only to see the doctor and had looked at Rich.

“He’s my brother” said Finn.

Gary smiled and nodded.

Finn had once again been sat down in a side room with doctors facing him, kindly compassionate expressions on their faces. He’d barely taken in their words - something about the honeymoon period was over, this was common with premature babies and how his daughter had taken a turn for the worse, she was showing signs of infection and they’d had to significantly increase the pressure of the ventilator.

He asked to go and see his daughter and had made it shaking to her incubator. He gazed in at her tiny body and prayed to a god, he was not sure he believed in, bargaining with his own life so that she might live.

When an alarm had gone off and the doctors had come rushing in, he’d been ushered out. He’d made it as far as the corridor when his legs had finally given way and everything had gone black.

******************************

Finn came to lying on his side with one of the nurses checking his pulse. They’d sat him up and his father and Rich had managed to get him back into the side room. It was as if the tempest of pent up emotions burst through and he could no longer control it. The room was filled with the sobs that wracked his entire body. He clung to his father words tumbled out his mouth interspersing his sobs.

“I don’t know what to do da…….I can’t do this without Rae…… oh god Rae….. dad I love her, I need her….I can’t fuckin’ even think about life without her….. it’d destroy me…. but me baby girl da…. she’s my baby da…. I can’t bear to see her tiny body fighting so…..I don’t think I could bear to live if……”

Gary comforted his son and he instinctively understood that he had calm him, because how else was Finn going to cope if …. if the worst….. Gary bit the inside of his cheek hard to stop himself falling apart in front of Finn, he couldn’t even contemplate what might happen. It was simply too awful, too great a burden to even consider, let alone bear. He could only hope  that Rae and his granddaughter would remain with Finn and not leave him like his mother and his nan had.

Finn had no idea how long they sat in that room. He’d no idea when Rich had left and when Archie and Linda had joined them. Rae was still fighting and so was his daughter and right now he clung to his earlier plea for clemency to his unknown God; for there was nothing else to do. At some point he was aware his father had gone and he’d sat there holding Linda and Archie’s hands listening to her share stories of Rae’s childhood.

Linda had no idea why she had started rabbiting on in her typical fashion about Rae’s childhood. It might not necessarily have been the most appropriate or sage topic of conversation but it was the one that seems to come to her most freely as if the words needed to be said and to be listened to one more time. Finn noticed Archie had smiled at the odd moment and he’d wondered why and had tried to tune into Linda’s words rather than letting them float past him meaninglessly.

He’d been surprised to find himself smiling at some anecdote of 8 year old Rae telling her teacher why she should be allowed to wear her swimsuit to school instead of uniform. He knew that single-minded determination only too well but remembering caused him to choke on his tears and he once again closed himself off from the words.

Once again Finn was aware of his father’s presence asking him if he wanted to eat something and he shook his head. Both Linda and Archie had joined in his father’s pleas for him to eat something; citing his earlier collapse as reason enough to eat. Finn had conceded in the end as he could no longer tune them out and had walked silently out to the cafeteria supported by Archie. He had no idea what he was eating, whether it really had no flavour or whether his anxiety had robbed him of his ability to taste.

Later , he’d gone to ITU with Archie. He’d sat at Rae’s bedside and told her that her daughter was still fighting and that she needed to keep fighting too. He’d wanted to say more but the words remained trapped in his head, unable to leave his lips. The nurses had told him that the bleeding had once again settled but the infection was showing no sign of abatement and he’d bit the inside of his cheek so hard it had bled. The metallic tasting fluid had briefly awoken him from his catatonic state and he’d clearly understood his own need to go back to the Neonatal unit.

Archie had left him with Gary who’d told him Linda had gone home. He realised he’d no concept of the time, or the time that had passed. His father and the nurses had repeatedly suggested that he would be best of going home and they would call if there was any change, if they got to that point. Being there might have been akin to torture, but being at home away from both of his girls would be worse Finn reasoned.

Gary left exhausted at midnight and Finn had sat in that side room for a couple of hours, alone with his thoughts; still utterly bewildered at what had happened and helpless in the face of his fear. A clock was perpetually ticking, but ticking the seconds away to what? Better news? Worse news? Heartbreaking news or consistency?

Finn was aware of the door opening and a tall muscular figure sitting in the chair next to him. A strong pair of arms pulled him into rest against the body, a kiss placed on the top of his head.

“Nelson, can I suggest something? Can I just open the door?”

Finn frowned then nodded.

The door was opened and he could feel the warmth of his friend next to him again. He frowned, the ward was significantly quieter now as it was in the small hours of the morning, and he could hear notes he recognised from the radio on the nurses station. They sat there and listened for sometime before Rich spoke.

“You know you can hear it if you were to go into the ward and sit next to the incubator.”

“I’m ….I…I’m terrified.” Finn stuttered.

“I know but we could try sitting there?”

Finn thought and nodded and allowed Rich to lead him past the nurses station to two chairs placed beside his daughter’s incubator. Finn realised they must have been positioned carefully to allow the nurses to carry on with all their observations and tests without needing them to be moved. He sat down for a minute feeling the creeping numbness return when he felt a hand around his.

“Good tune this one. Loved them, saw them on the Cowley Road in 1992.”

Finn screwed up his eyes and started to listen to the unmistakable tune of “Taste” by Ride playing quietly in the background. He felt the roots of the unnamed thing deep inside him push further in; and he took his courage in his hands and stood up and looked into the incubator.

Finn’s heart filled as he looked at his baby’s precious features. Her tiny hands and tiny feet with the drips and wires in them, her wrinkled skin and those tufts of hair. He had both hands pressed on the side of the incubator now, studying her intently and humming quietly.

He was aware of another voice now, an unfamiliar one, and he looked up.

“Would you like to touch her? I can show you how to place your hands on her head or body so that it will have a calming influence on her.”

Finn swallowed, he bit his lip and nodded. He held his hand out to indicate for Rich to join him.

As directed he placed his cupped hand on his baby daughter’s head. The rest of ward with its perpetually dinging machines just faded away. All he was aware of was his daughter’s breathing and the warmth of his friend standing next to him. Even the nurse filling in her observation chart didn’t perturb him or interrupt his thoughts.

The nurse had left him there as long as she thought the baby would tolerate touch in her fragile state. She was glad that the senior ward sister had decided to bend the rules in the circumstances.

Technically, only parents were allowed to visit out of hours. But it had been clear to the staff that Finn had initially been in shock after everything that had happened and nobody could be expected to shoulder that burden alone; particularly in light of the earlier crises with both girlfriend and daughter. The nurses had been only to happy to change the radio station to No Crap FM, to try and help this father spend inestimably important time with his critically ill daughter. A couple of them had already realised this father was in fact Finn Nelson; DJ and presenter on No Crap FM but neither had said anything, the situation was currently too delicate.

Finn and Rich had spent the night in those uncomfortable chairs next to the incubator with Finn periodically getting up to gaze upon his daughter, the faint background music lowering his heart rate sufficiently to keep him calm. He’d been aware of nurses coming in and out and twiddling knobs on machines and writing things down but he’d found a strange kind of peace. He was aware he’d dozed off a couple of times and he’d almost laughed to find Rich asleep head on his knees.

After the nurses had a shift change, he was aware of much more activity and noise and bustle on the ward. He started to feel his peace slipping away and had tensed up. Finally a doctor had arrived. He’d been the consultant in charge of the ward the previous day and decided to speak to Finn before the ward round as he was aware that Finn would need to see Rae’s doctors as well.

“Have you been here all night Mr Nelson?”

Finn nodded.

“Well the good news is your daughter has once again stabilised, she’s not gone any further downhill. If we get to this afternoon without any further issues, then we’ll consider trying to reduce the pressure on the ventilator. We really don’t want babies on a ventilator any longer than strictly necessary. The signs of infection appear to have been somewhat mitigated with the antibiotics we’ve been giving her.”

“Oh….right. Thank you.”

“Could I be so bold as to suggest that you may want to go home and get some sleep after you’ve seen Mrs Nelson’s…. sorry I meant your girlfriend’s doctors. I do apologise for that slip of the tongue. “

Finn smiled at this and Rich patted him on the back.

Finn had whispered goodbye to his daughter before going with Rich up to ITU. It seemed Rae was still fighting hard and her white blood cell count had reduced a little over night. He received similar comments about going home for some sleep from the ITU team. Part of him wanted to fight the tiredness further but he realised he’d essentially missed two entire nights sleep and on top he’d been through a pretty traumatic experience. So he finally allowed himself to be taken home by Rich.

**************************

Finn was slightly surprised to come back to an empty house. Rich had explained Chloe was staying with Chop and Izzy. Rich had made them some toast and tea. When they’d got upstairs Finn had automatically made for his bedroom; but his stomach somersaulted as he saw the subdued stains on the carpet and noted the absent mattress. He had to run to the bathroom to be sick. When he had stopped he saw Rich standing at the door.

“You ok Nelson?….. Sorry, that was a really stupid question.”

“Rich, what happened to my bed?”

“Erm, Chloe and Izzy sorted it out. We threw most of the stuff away -  I do hope you don’t mind.”

“Will you thank them for me.”

“Of course.”

Finn came out of the bathroom having brushed his teeth and wandered into his room trying to find some clothes. He opened his drawer and pulled out one of Rae’s shirts and he fell to knees and broke down completely. He had never felt so helpless.

Rich had been there and placed his arms around Finn until his crying eventually subsided as Finn was overcome with exhaustion. Rich had run Finn a bath but Finn had simply stood motionless in the bathroom as if he’d lost the ability to do anything.

“Jesus Nelson, am I going to have to get in there with you?” Rich said jokingly.

But Finn hadn’t responded. So Rich had helped to undress him and helped him into the bath. Rich had ended up washing Finn’s hair like you would wash a child’s. Finn curled up with his head on his knees shedding dry tears.

Rich had helped Finn out of the bath and passed him a towel. Finn had unashamedly stood naked and dried himself and got dressed.

Finally he and Rich had crawled into bed and Finn had ended up sobbing in Rich’s arms, totally incapable of controlling the feelings that flooded him, his fears and his misgivings about being away from the hospital.

Rich had pulled Finn close to him and had finally got Finn to sleep - his head pressed against Rich’s chest, the radio playing.

*******************************************************************

When Finn had woken it was dark and Rich had brought up two steaming mugs of tea. Rich had thrown him the phone to call the hospital. The creeping numbness returned as he discovered that there had been no change for either his daughter or Rae; whilst that wasn’t a bad thing, it also meant no progress.

Archie had picked up Finn and taken him to hospital where he was met by his father and Linda. He was really struggling with Linda and in the end Archie had taken him to the cafeteria for some tasteless food. Archie asked Finn how he was and Finn and shrugged and bit his lip. There were no words to explain how he felt. Archie was at least relieved to find that Finn had finally slept.

Finn spent quite some time at Rae’s bedside trying to fight that numbness by talking to her. The trouble was he couldn’t tell her how well their daughter was doing because that wasn’t true. He wanted to talk to her about music, but every album, every song that came into his head, brought a wealth of memories with it and he’d once again been forced to bite back the tears.

He’d spent some time with his dad sat beside the incubator but he’d not managed to bring himself to touch his daughter again. However much he willed that unnamed thing to root deeper, and grow to the point of blocking out his fear, it remained in stasis. He’d actually seriously considered his father’s offer of a lift home, hoping he’d just be able to drink his feelings into oblivion. But he’d stayed.

He was very relieved when Rich had shown up at some ungodly hour and the two had resumed their silent vigil by the incubator. It was only after a while he realised something was different about Rich.

“You been home before you came here?”

Rich nodded.

“Thought you smelt clean… not like last night, Jesus you had bad BO.”

“What the fuck were you doing in my armpit Nelson?”

Finn blushed and then sniggered, some of his tension dissipating.

“So -  you going to try putting your hand in the incubator again”.

Finn swallowed and frowned his body shaking slightly.

Rich put a hand on Finn’s arm.

“Come on, let’s go.”

Finn frowned.

“Come on Nelson, let’s take a walk.”

Finn was surprised that he was actually quite miffed that Rich was taking him away from his daughter. They walked out of the hospital and around the grounds. Rich desperately wanted to light up but decided against it.

“Why are we out here Rich? Why?”

“I wanted to ask you something Nelson.” Rich bit the inside of his cheek, knowing how tough this would be. He was taking a risk here.

“Well what is it?”

“Finn, why are you holding back from touching your daughter like the nurses showed you?”

“I’ve been sat there for hours Rich, I don’t know what the fuck it has to do with you or those interfering nurses; they’ve been on at me all day about a name too.”

“Finn did you listen to the part where you were told that your touch can help lower the baby’s heartrate and have a soothing and calming effect?”

Finn nodded “Yeah …but”

“But what? What?”

“Fuck you Rich, just fuck off ……fuck f…f “ Finn stormed off but before he had got far the tears was coming thick and fast and he was struggling to breathe. The feelings were so intense and so overwhelming that he ended up kicking and punching a tree screaming obscenities at it. Then he could feel that cold grip back around his heart, a weight that threatened to suffocate him and he ended up sitting, back against the tree, sobbing uncontrollably head buried in his knees until he could feel pain in his chest from the physical exertion of crying.

He felt an arm around his shoulder and collapsed into Rich.

“I…I’m so sacred……so fucking scared.” He whispered as if the words might turn into reality if spoken at too high a volume.

“I’m scared if I love her and bond with her and… something happens” his voice cracked and only the smallest of whispers came out “I wouldn’t be able to take it….”

Rich blinked back his tears at the memory of James. He knew he had to keep this in check for the moment as this was about Finn and that precious daughter of his.

“Finn, you already love her”.

Finn had dissolved into further tears and clung to Rich, his head once again pressed against Rich’s chest. He’d finally calmed down enough to speak.

“I want to go and see her, my daughter and my Rae of course.”

*********************************************

The two had walked back to the hospital in silence. Finn chose to go and see Rae first and tell her how he had resolved that he was going to be strong. He held her hand and spoke to her.

“Girl the nurses have been asking what name we want to give our daughter. You know I’m fuckin’ crap at stuff like that. ………………..I … I just wish we’d talked about it because I know I am bound to get it wrong. You would have chosen some cool name with the right connotations and me, well it’s going to be another Babylon Zoo moment isn’t it - if I choose the name…… and I know you’ll laugh at me and………………………………….oh Jesus Rae, I need you girl, like I’ve never needed ya before……………………” He buried his head on the bed and carried on talking.

“Oh Rae, I love you so much, so fuckin’ much…….. Girl, I need ya to fight this, with everything ya’ve  got in there or … or I will be forced to come and play shit reggae at ya and Babylon Zoo and lots of other crap…..I’m tellin’ ya it will be torture…..and if ya still don’t fight….well I’ll wheel out the real big guns…yeah Take That…. “ he bit his lip hard and stayed clasping her hand for an indeterminate period of time.

Rich walked him back down to the Neonatal unit and was amazed at how Finn had gone from seeing Rae and putting the bits of himself back together to ask if he could once again place his hand on his daughter. The nurses had been happily surprised to hear him quietly chattering to his baby asking her what she would like to be called and trying out and dismissing a number of names. They all knew that the baby’s mother was critically ill and knew what strength this was taking.

The night nurses had not entirely been surprised to see Rich again either. By now, most of the nursing staff had become aware that Finn was Finn Nelson, those pictures from a long forgotten Sunday paper having once again done the rounds.

“So Rich you got any ideas for names for Madam here?”

“Oh no” Rich shook his head.

“You absolutely cannot ask me. I do not want to be on the receiving end of Rae if I get it wrong, which I bloody well would. There is no way I am even making a suggestion.”

Finn had spent the rest of the night quietly listening to the radio playing on the nurses’ station thinking about baby names. His chair next to Rich’s. They’d both dozed off a couple of times and in the end decided to leave before the bustle of the shift change kicked in. They made it back to the house for 7am and were eating breakfast, Finn was very subdued.

They’d both been surprised by a knock on a door. It was James and Pete. Rich let them in and excused the fact they both looked a state.

“Hey Finn” James walked up to Finn and the pair embraced. And Pete followed likewise.

Finn frowned.

“Archie told us we’d likely find you here. He called to explain why you wouldn’t be at work.” James said.

“Oh”.

“How are things?…Sorry that’s a pretty stupid question.”

“Me baby daughter seems to be doing ok. But Rae…..well she’s still in intensive care. I dunno…… hang on why you up here?”

“Just passing literally, on our way to Manchester for a weekend do” said Pete.

Finn nodded. “Right, good.”

James produced a small bag “Look Finn we’re all thinking of you - you know we really hope Rae gets better soon. It’s a shite situation. Look we brought you this - I know what sitting in a hospital is like from when my dad had a heart attack and …..I , we thought it might help you, you know, stay a bit calmer or something.”

Finn opened the bag and inside found an mp3 player. He’d never seen one before and looked at it a bit in wonder, turning it around, he also found a pair of expensive headphones.

“Won’t replace vinyl Nelson “ Pete said and Finn smiled.

“And I pre-loaded it with tunes and mixes so all you have to do is charge it up and..”

Finn smiled and hugged them both.

“Thanks. I mean it.”

He was genuinely touched. But he wished he could share this with Rae, debate how the music sounded compared to vinyl. He was sure that she wouldn’t’ approve.

James and Pete said their goodbyes telling Finn he didn’t need to worry about work - a job would always be open for him.

Finn and Rich once again shared a bed. Finn fell into an uneasy sleep. He tossed and turned; his dreams filled with visions of blood and Rae and his daughter disappearing in a sea of blood. He had no idea he was screaming until he heard Rich’s voice.

“Finn, Finn”

Finn opened his eyes; heart pounding, drenched in sweat.

“Jesus, oh fuck, fuck” he shouted his head in his hands. His body was shaking now, his breath coming in short ragged bursts.

“It’s alright Nelson, just let it out.”

Finn’s body tensed and hit the pillows hard.

“The fuck why? Why?” he shouted and hit the bed this time his fist tightly clenched.

Just as soon as the anger had come, it dissipated, leaving a darkness in its place, a vulnerability. He felt like his world had closed off and there was no way of getting back. He concentrated on his breathing to try and bring it back to a normal rate, fighting the monster that was trying to get hold of him.

Rich grabbed the remote for his bedroom Hifi and hoped the music in the CD player was half decent. Chloe had a habit of hi-jacking it with some charts rubbish. He breathed a quick sigh of relief as Bowie came on.

After a while Finn’s breathing had slowed. He looked at his friend and shuffled towards him. Rich instinctively knew Finn needed basic human comfort and pulled Finn close to him. He stroked his hair.

“It’s going to be Ok Finn, You’ve got to believe that. Those girls are fighting for you, you know that.”

Rich once again hoped to God that Finn’s girls would both be ok. He didn’t think he could bear it of they weren’t and he had no idea how Finn would cope. He remembered those initial few weeks after James, and even now, the thought of it made his stomach churn.

Finn woke some hours later to find he was still in Rich’s arms. He thought he should be able to cope on his own, he should be able to be much stronger. He stretched and yawned. Rich groaned and opened his eyes.

“Not that fucking time again, I hate getting out of bed.”

Finn remained silent for a while, bit his lip and decided to say it.

“Rich, I suppose I should go and buy a new mattress. Do you think you could speak to Chop about borrowing his van?”

“Of course. I can sort it out if you want. But you know there’s no need to on account of me. I don’t mind sharing, I actually prefer it to sleeping alone.”

Finn frowned and considered what Rich said.

“But you and Chloe should…”

“Finn, I intend to spend the rest of my life with Chloe, right now if you sleep better in here that’s fine. She doesn’t mind.”

“You sure?”

“Course I am, don’t be so daft, I say it how it is. You know that.”

Finn nodded.

****************************************************************

The next couple of days became a bit of a blur of wards, ward rounds and the hospital cafeteria. Finn decided he should try and be less nocturnal and try to be there more for his daughter and Rae during the day, rather than spending all night in the hospital and then sleeping during the day.

The trouble was, his body was fairly well adjusted to his usual semi-nocturnal pattern. He’d gone home with Archie and Dan having only stayed a couple of hours at the hospital on the first night. He knew he was missing out now on spending time in the hospital but he was exhausted and thought he’d be able to sleep. But his body would not let him sleep. He’d spent the night pacing the flat like a caged tiger. Come six o’clock in the morning he finally sucummbed to sleep, only to be woken up an hour later by Dan and Archie getting up for work.

He’d spent the day exhausted at the hospital. He knew Rae was struggling with the infection, the doctors seemed to be trying the umpteenth combination of antibiotics. Linda was looking like he felt and the two of them had spent some hours together at Rae’s beside. Linda had finally snapped.

“Finn where have you been, I was here all day yesterday but you weren’t here were you. I can’t visit my granddaughter without you here but it seems like you can’t be bothered to visit. You haven’t even named your daughter have you? The neonatal white board has no name on for her, all the other babies have nice names and your daughter is called “Baby Earl”.It’s like she doesn’t exist or she isn’t important enough for you to name. And maybe if you named her and told Rae; then maybe Rae’d fight even harder knowing what she’s missing out on.”

Linda wasn’t really making sense but Finn was in no place to analyse or understand why in the immediacy of the comments and found himself outside having a cigarette. He was lighting his second when Linda appeared and sat next to him.

“Think I need one of those right now.”

Finn raised his eyebrows but handed her the packet. Linda took a cigarette and lit it, inhaling deeply.

“Not a word to Karim”

Finn nodded. Linda started to cry.

“Pet, I am so sorry, I went off at you like that. It wasn’t right. I was just …… I’m scared Finn. Really scared for Rae, for them both.”

Finn swallowed hard.

“You know I’ve been coming here at night don’t you?”

“I know but Finn -  I can’t see the baby unless you’re here.”

Finn frowned then nodded. He forgot that the ward sisters had bent the rules dramatically for Rich so he could hardly expect it for Linda as well.

“Shall we go in, have a cup of tea and then see her?” He asked.

Linda smiled and nodded, tears still running down her face.

“And I suppose we could talk about baby names.” He said, uncertainly.

Finn had found visiting so much harder during the daytime. The unit was full of parents and visitors and he knew his daughter was the only one without a mum present. He could hear snippets in hushed tones from visitors and the odd nurse talking about him. He noted it wasn’t the parents but often friends.

“That’s Finn Nelson, you know the DJ, his girlfriend, they don’t know if she’s going to make it.”

He felt sick to the stomach. When Linda had suggested various names, he’d automatically smiled and nodded, unable to process what she was saying, instead he was tuned in to what others were saying and he started to feel the blackness lap at his toes and wash over his ankles and extend up his calves.

He’d cut his visit short and gone home to see his father. They’d listened to records together and talked about music when Finn had had the idea. He couldn’t’ wait to get back.

*****************************************

Finn went to see Rae and waited for her doctors. They pointed out Rae was sedated and not in a coma but they were happy to try anything to help her fight. So Finn put his headphones on her attached to the MP3 player that James and Pete had given him.

He found it rather odd holding her hand and talking to Rae, knowing that if she could hear anything, it would be the music and not his words. He had noticed that Pete had included some non-dance mixes which he thought Rae would really like. He stayed with Rae for several hours and then realised he hadn’t eaten and probably should get some sleep if he had any chance of being awake during the daytime again.

The same day followed pretty much the same pattern with Finn visiting in the afternoon. The nurses said his daughter was doing so well that they were thinking of taking her off the ventilator. Finn was quite excited but his good mood had turned as once again he could hear the tittle tattle of other parents and visitors on the ward. He’d gone to the parents’ kitchen to make himself a cup of tea and one of them had tried to make conversation with him and he’d been reduced to a stuttering mess trying to explain what had happened to Rae.

He’d been cornered again when buying lunch in the cafeteria by a couple of girls who’d seen his picture in the press. They asked for his autograph and he’s had to bite his cheek to stop himself from telling them to fuck off as they clearly had no idea why he was there. One asked for his number and he’d walked off forgetting to finish his food.

The final straw had been him overhearing a couple of healthcare assistants saying that he was cute and how he needed looking after about 5 minutes after hearing more speculation about Rae. He’d never been one to be judged like this and he’d felt so uncomfortable he’d had to leave without even having spent some precious time with his hands cupped on his baby daughter’s head and back.

He’d felt dismayed as he knew that this time was when her heart rate would reduce and she’d need less pressure on the ventilator and it tore at him knowing that she’d been robbed of that time. This only served to make him angry with himself.

He’d ended up declining offers of lifts from Archie and Karim and had walked home via the graveyard where he’d spent some time talking to his nan.

Finn found Rich and Chloe at home. He saw that Chloe had done a lot of laundry and was actually ironing his shirts. He felt both embarrassed and humbled.

“Chlo, you didn’t have to. It’s very kind of ya, you know.”

“It’s fine Finn. I don’t think Rae would want you looking like a student all the time.”

“Thanks Chloe. You’ve been a really good mate”. He said looking down.

“How’d it go today? Any change?”

“Well I’ve got Rae listening to the MP3 player - thought it might help,” He shrugged “You know.”

Rich smiled at him.

“And how about baby?” Asked Chloe.

“Yeah she’s good …..it’s just….” Finn bit his lip.

“What is it Finn?” asked Chloe concern in her eyes.

“It’s just…well….never mind. It don’t matter.”

“Finn come on. Rae’s my best mate and you’re her other half. Right now I can’t do anything for her but…” Chloe’s tears had started to fall.

Rich put an arm around her. Finn understood what she was trying to convey, he knew that sense of helplessness all too well.

“It’s just that people have been talking in the neonatal unit. Gossiping and that….you know about what happened to Rae…..and I think some of them must have seen the pictures, you know from ages ago…”

Chloe frowned “Oh you mean the ones in the Sunday papers.”

Finn nodded. “Some girl even asked for my fucking number today…. I hate it. I wanted to spend time with her today and I couldn’t because all these people…I just wish Rae had been there” Finn’s voice started to crack.

Chloe pulled Finn’s arm. “Come on Finn, group hug.”

The three of them had danced in a circle to Oasis which came on the Radio as they were hugging all knowing it was one of Rae’s favourite tracks.

“Finn, I think , I think you’ve either got to ignore them or give them something to really talk about.” said Chloe.

Finn frowned and shrugged.

The three ate supper and Rich went off to work with Chloe accompanying him. Archie had come over as planned, they’d talked and had a couple of beers. Finn had gone to bed and not been able to sleep. He thought it was because he had become used to sharing a bed. He’d ended up pacing around the house, going out repeatedly for cigarettes and making himself another milky drink. In the end he’d gone into his room. His new mattress was stood against the wall still in its polythene wrapping.

He looked around the room, with Rae’s bag in the corner, her clothes in the wardrobe, her vinyl mixed in with his, in a box in the corner. He could see the areas of the carpet that still had marks on them and he felt physically sick. He ended up sliding down the wall and curled up  head between his knees.

********************************************

Finn woke confused to the sound of voices. He knew Rich and Chloe were supposed to be staying with Chop and Izzy in his old room. He felt very stiff and cold.

“Finn, Finn” He felt a hand on his arm and Chloe’s voice.

“Rich he’s here.”

“Mate, have you spent the whole night in here?”

Finn sat up. He must have fallen asleep on the floor of his room.

“Chloe - could you possibly make him a cup of tea?”

“Yeah, you want one too? Here you go Finn” Chloe said wrapping a duvet around Finn.

Finn finally found his voice. “I thought you two were staying with Chop and Izzy.”

“Yeah we were, I mean we did. Got in about 4am and neither of us could sleep well. I gave up about 8 and came back here. Chloe was worried enough about you that she actually got out of bed and came over here without bothering to put clean clothes on.”

Finn smiled thinly.

He warmed up as the three of them drank their tea together.

Chloe had to go to work and Rich went back to bed. Finn went straight to the hospital.

He was stopped by one of the nurses on the way into the neonatal unit. “Right… Mr Nelson, we’ve been trying to contact you.”

Finn’s heart sunk his mouth. He put his hand out onto the wall to steady himself.

“Oh no love….. it’s good news. Your clever little girl came off the ventilator last night. We decided not to tell you the plan yesterday as these babies quite often only manage few hours off before they need to go back on…but your little one has lasted the night so well on CPAP that we’ve already reduced the pressure on that.”

Finn frowned “What’s CPAP?”

“Come - let me show you pet.”

The nurse explained that CPAP meant that his baby was now breathing on her own. She explained this was more tiring. She also said his baby’s test results showed that she had nearly beaten the infection.

“Have you had a proper hold of her yet?”

Finn shook his head.  

“Well how about if she’s still doing well this afternoon, we give kangaroo care a try?”

The nurse was worried that Finn had not really had a chance to bond with his baby and given the situation with the mother, that was hardly surprising. But she knew from her colleagues in ICU that the mother was still critically ill and this many days on, that didn’t bode well. She knew from bitter experience on the job that there was a real possibility of this father taking his baby home as a single father.

Linda and Gary had both visited with Finn and they all ended up having lunch with Karim and Jasmine. Finn had mentioned the whole kangaroo care thing.

“Oh you’ve got to give that a go it’s great. I did that when Jasmine was a baby. You put the baby down your top and have skin to skin contact. …..It’s meant to have health benefits for them - keeps them calm and ….well you’ve got to give it a go.”

Finn bit his lip. “It should be Rae.”

A tear fell from Linda’s eye. “Yes it should be pet. But you’re all that baby’s got. And I don’t mean to harp on Finn but have you thought of a name yet?”

“I can’t do it without Rae.”

“Well if she doesn’t like the name you choose, it can become her middle name you know.”

Finn swallowed.  Karim was rustling in a bag for something.

“Here for you Finn. You take picture of baby and give Rae when she better.” Karim handed Finn a new digital camera.

“Oh wow…. thanks” He smiled and then frowned “Karim how… I mean this is expensive.”

“I work extra shift. It all I can do.”

Finn looked at his dad who put a hand over his.

“I haven’t taken any pictures of her so far, all I’ve got is the one I’ve given to Rae so she’ll have missed out on quite a few days. I am shit boyfriend …”.  “Sorry” he said seeing Jasmine.

“Well it’s a good thing I asked the nurses to take a photo of that beautiful baby every day isn’t it then” said Linda.

Finn furrowed his brow.

“I hope you don’t mind. It’s just well, Karim and I were there a few years ago and we know what it was like and the nurses have that camera.”

Finn smiled “Thanks Linda, Thanks so much.”

*******

Finn and Gary went to see Rae.

“So girl you got any ideas on what to name our beautiful daughter. I think she’s quite a feisty soul too - she’s off the ventilator girl - showing mum how it should be done.”

He’d sat there listening to the radio for some time.

“Son this name thing…”

“Da….. I just…I just don’t know where to start, we never talked about names.”

“Well Rae likes music….why don’t you start there..”

Finn ran a number of names through his head….Sally…Shirley….Lou…Justine…Caroline….none of them seemed quite right.

He put the headphones back on Rae and realised it was a Saturday and they should be doing their show on No Crap FM. He wondered who would be doing the show tonight. He swallowed and put his head against his dad’s shoulder.

Finn met up with Rich for a cup of tea before going to see his daughter again.

“Rich have you spoken to Steve - do you know who’s doing the show tonight?”

“Nah it was Archie that called all your jobs to tell them what happened. He did a great job.”

“Oh right. “

*******************************

Finn and Rich went into the Neonatal unit. Finn felt the stares of people on the unit and the whispers. The nurse came over and told him happily that his baby had done so well that he could definitely give kangaroo care a try. When she explained that Finn would need to unbutton his shirt, he started to get nervous with all these people around.

“Can’t he try first instead of me? Finn said pointing at Rich.

“Finn stop being a dick. It’s going to be fine.” Rich said but Finn shook his head.

“Shall I give you two a minute” said the Nurse. She could see Finn was afraid but she wasn’t quite sure what else was going on.

“Finn what the bloody fuck? This is going to be mint - holding your, daughter for the first time.” Rich said in a hushed tone.

“I am not undoing my shirt in public….have you seen the pictures of it in the kangaroo care leaflet?”

“Finn you’ve never been shy about your body….come one what … what the hell’s the real problem.”

Finn bit his lip. He thought about what was bugging him and he wasn’t quite so sure.

“It should be Rae and perhaps we should wait…”

“Nelson” Rich said furrowing his brow.

Finn got a little closer to Rich “Have you heard what they’re saying?”

“Yeah.” Rich sighed “You’ve got to ignore them Finn. After a couple more days you’ll become the wallpaper.”

“I hate it Rich…”

“Well let’s take Chloe’s advice then..” Rich said winking at Finn.

Finn frowned at Rich and then realised what Rich might be hinting at and smirked slightly.

Rich raised his eyebrows and leant into to whisper in Finn’s ear. “This will definitely give them something to talk about…”

Finn pulled back and raised his eyebrows at Rich and seeing an almost imperceptible nod he leant forward and kissed Rich on the lips putting a hand on his shoulder.

It had not been a brief kiss and for a few seconds there had been silence.

Rich had smirked at Finn and whispered in Finn’s ear  “Interesting move there Nelson. I thought you were going in for a hug” and he winked.

Finn blushed and then started to snigger.

Rich laughed and raised his eyebrows at Finn.

“Feeling more relaxed now?”

“Yeah, right where are the nurses when you need them? They’re like busses.” And with that Finn went to find his daughter’s assigned nurse.

The nurse was happy to see Finn smiling and asking to hold his daughter. She rummaged under the desk and brought out a bag.

“This is for you pet. Your mother in law.. sorry your girlfriend’s mum left it for you earlier. She didn’t want to bother you. She said it was Rae’s when she was a baby.”

Finn looked in the bag to see a crocheted white shawl. He felt a now familiar ache in his guts when he thought of Rae and then felt that unnamed thing inside him surge. He took strength from it and took the shawl out of the bag fingering it gently, deep in thought.

He sat as directed on the chair and unbuttoned his flannel shirt, one of his favourites, it was soft and checked in shades of blue and red. After what seemed like quite a complex manoeuvre, the nurse placed his baby daughter, wearing just a hat and a nappy against his chest. He’d tried to button his shirt up over his baby but was struggling with the wires.

“Here pet” the nurse handed him the shawl and he wrapped it over him and his daughter.

He was almost completely overwhelmed seeing and feeling close to his daughter like this - her skin touching his skin. He was choked with tears. Rich put a hand on Finn’s shoulder.

“How does it feel?”

“It……it’s amazing….fucking amazing…” tears came to his eyes.

“Do you want me to take a picture?”

Finn nodded but he couldn’t look up for the photos, he simply gazed down in awe at his daughter. He looked at her tiny features and her small wrinkled forehead with the tufts of black hair poking out from under that pink knitted hat and he knew his heart had once again been stolen by an Earl.

He started to think about the first time he’d been there with his dad and he noticed her hair and he remembered Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah playing and that’s when it came to him - “Grace”.

The time was up all too quickly. The nurse had pointed out how well his daughter was doing, how her heart rate and blood pressure had lowered whilst on Finn’s chest. He’d even asked if he could try again the next day.

The nurse had explained she wasn’t going to be on shift but she didn’t see why not. She realised there was probably going to be a small fight as to who would be baby Earl’s nurse the next day. She’d hoped that Mr Nelson hadn’t noticed the stream of nurses that poked their heads around the door to see the amazing site of the heavenly Mr Nelson with his baby daughter on his chest.

**************************

Finn had met up with his father, Linda, Karim and Jasmine for supper in the cafeteria. He was getting fed up with the food now. But it seemed the only sensible way of them all meeting together and making plans. They had been talking about how Rae seemed to be improving a bit and Linda asked after her grand-daughter.

“Aye she’s doing well. Thanks for the shawl Linda. Already put it to good use.”

Finn pulled out the camera and showed Linda the picture of him and his baby. Linda cried.

“Oh Finn she’s….well…I know Rae would love that.”

Finn bit his lip and sighed. “Yeah. I’ve got a bit of news and I know it’s silly but I was hoping it might help Rae fight a bit more.”

Gary frowned and Linda just sniffled.

“Umm I was thinking about….. Grace…”

“Bit late for grace love, we’ve already started eating ..” Linda said.

“Oh no I meant….” Finn then bit his cheek, perhaps it had been a silly idea.

“He meant name for baby” Karim said.

Finn looked up and smiled at Karim. His English may not have been the best but he was a very perceptive and empathetic person.

“”Grace….Grace…” Linda tried the name out. “It’s …it’s lovely..”

She was interrupted by Jasmine “Isn’t it a bit erm…. normal you know? I mean there are two Graces at my school and well our Rae likes things a bit different.”

Finn frowned and bit his cheek, his earlier confidence ebbing.

“But all you need is a funky nickname” continued Jasmine.

“Good point, you’ve been Finn all your life and never used Finnley” his dad added.

“Er…..” Finn was struggling with how to shorten Grace into something.

“I think Grey would be really cool?” said Jasmine who knew her sister’s tastes only too well.

“Grey as in the colour?” asked Linda

“Grey as in Grey” said Jasmine.

Finn had to stifle a laugh these Earl girls were really feisty and he wondered if his daughter would grow up with her mother’s pluck.

He realised all eyes were on him and he bit his lip. It actually sounded quite good.

“Well I’m calling her Grace for now… Grey for short and we’ll have to see what her mother says about it.”

Finn could feel that nagging ache again. His daughter was doing so well and yet his girlfriend was still struggling.

  
  


*******************************************************

The next couple of days brought more of the same. Grace seemed to be doing increasingly well, almost at the point where she was breathing air on the CPAP, needling less and less oxygen. Finn had held his daughter in the same way every day, down the front of his shirt with Rae’s shawl covering her back and his chest. Rich had accompanied him once more and Gary on the second day.

The doctors had told him Grace appeared to have really turned the corner. It was still early days and he wasn’t to forget she was 8 week early. They’d explained that that at some point they needed to consider milk alongside the nutrition she was receiving via a long line from her tiny foot up to her heart. Finn winced every they told him what they’d done to his daughter - all the blood tests and drips and the fact that she’d had jaundice and was almost always close to another bout - her bilirubin levels were always high. Her tiny hands and feet were all covered in bruises from where the drip had been.  

The doctors told him that the drips typically only lasted a couple of days before they had to be re-sited. One afternoon he’d come in to visit and he’d been asked to wait a few minutes while Grace’s drip was res-sited. He’d heard her cry and he thought his heart would break when he heard the pitiful sound. He’d had to place his hands on a table to steady and gather himself. He  didn’t know how much of this he could take and then he thought of Rae and he sighed and bit his cheek and carried on.

The situation with Rae was troubling him deeply. He thought she should have improved by now, there must be something else that could be done. On a particularly difficult day, Steve had come to visit. Steve hadn’t managed to hide how shocked he was when he saw Rae lying in ICU, pale with her raven hair spread over the pillow.

“Jesus Finn. Christ I am sorry.” He’d said

Finn had shrugged eyes full of tears.

“It’s so bloody tough with Grace doing well and Rae, well she’s stuck here and doesn’t seem to be doing any better. Oh fuck I really really love her Steve….” his tears coming thick and fast….”I don’t know what I’d do……I couldn’t fuckin’ cope….”

Finn dissolved into the abject misery which was always threatening to surface. He felt like someone had splintered his soul from his heart. His sobbing was so intense and disturbing that he’d been taken into a side room and Steve had hurriedly called Gary, unsure of what to do.

Gary had arrived as quickly as he could having taken a taxi from work to avoid the nightmare of trying to find a parking space in the hospital car park. He’d found his son curled up on sofa in the relatives room in ICU, dry sobbing. He’d sat down and put an arm on his son’s back, Finn had turned around and buried himself like a small child in his father’s chest.

“Shhh Finn, it’s alright son, it’s alright.”

“Da… I am so so scared. I keep coming up here thinkin’….thinkin’ that today’s got to be the day that she makes progress…but she’s still the same da, she can’t shift the infection and …..what if….what if…”

Gary swallowed hard, the “what ifs” had been close to his mind. He knew Linda and Karim had been struggling with the same question. But it wasn’t going to help Finn. He knew somehow he had to hold it together to keep Finn going.

“Son,… my dear son, let’s not even go there with the “what ifs”. They’re not going to get Rae any better, neither is spending time worrying about shadows going to help that darling daughter of yours - your beautiful Grace.”

Finn carried on sobbing into his father’s shirt.

“But I’ve tried everything da, I’ve been playing Rae music…I’ve …I’ve talked to her for hours and ya know how much I hate talking…..I’ve brought her pictures of our daughter….I’ve named our daughter for Christ’s sake and ……………” He swallowed “It’s so ….it’s just so hard.”

“I know son. I know son.”

Gary wasn’t sure how much more Finn could take - the burden was staggering. Linda was in a pretty awful state. He once again prayed for Rae, for his son and his granddaughter. He’d long since given up going to Church but his mother was a regular churchgoer. He hoped that perhaps some higher power would take pity on his wretched son who was held together by precious little right now. He knew Finn was not sleeping well, if at all, he wasn’t eating much and his life had become some sort of merry-go-round of hospital visiting and wards, a rollercoaster of almost unbearable highs and lows.

Gary had taken his son back to Rich’s house where he’d found Rich and Chloe having supper before Rich was due to go to work. He’d had to walk Finn inside and put him down on the sofa as he seemed barely able to walk.

Rich and Chloe had both stood up from the kitchen table, concern all over their faces. Gary had walked into the kitchen.

“Has…..has something happened Gary?” Chloe asked.

Gary shook his head: “No, I mean no change but………well…..he’s really struggling today. I think ….well…. it’s all got a bit much today.”

Gary swallowed, tears pricking his eyes once again realising the hideous situation his son was in. “He wanted to come back here…he kept mumbling something about Rae’s shirts and …. I ……I don’t know what to do with him…”

Gary was crying now and Chloe hugged him. “Hey Gary it’s ok, it is. We’ll help with Finn.”

Rich stood brow furrowed. He was finding this incredibly hard, all his memories of James had resurfaced and he was continually having to push them to the back of his mind.

“I’ll erm….I’ll go and call Archie and Chop” he said wandering off.

Archie Chop and Izzy turned up within 20 minutes all desperate to help in any way they could. Finn was now sat up on the sofa staring at the floor. Gary had left in the end, kissing his son goodnight on the head. Finn had smiled weakly at him. Chloe had given him two pieces of toast to eat as he’d refused supper.

The friends had all sat in a circle on the floor. Rich had produced a bottle of vodka and put his cd player on random. It had 99 cds in it so he had no idea what to expect next.

Chloe had explained that they were all there for Finn, come what may and anything they could do -  they would be there.

“I…I’m so frightened…..I don’t know if ….if I ….could….on my own……and ….I ….I love her so much”. Finns’ words fell out of his mouth and he ended up sobbing in Izzy’s arms.

It was Archie that decided to break the silence. (“Little by Little” (Oasis) was playing quietly in the background.)

“Finn we can’t’ think about “what ifs”, we all know Rae is a fighter, she just needs a bit longer to fight this damned infection.”

“But….”

“Finn,  please don’t dwell on the worst, you know Rae - she’s probably knackered and sleeping off all of those late nights you two had.” Chloe said rather unconvincingly.

“Yeah but….I can’t ….I mean…..”

In the end it was Chop who addressed the question.

“Alright Finny boy you asked for this….if….well…if ….then Grace is gonna have 4 dads and 2 mums. “ he said looking round the circle…”But….but I tell you that our Raemundo is a bit of a lazy bugger at times, I think she just needs a kick up her arse to get her going.”

Finn looked up at the faces looking at him questioning ignoring the latter part of Chops pontification.

“Really? You would?”

He was met with a sea of nodding faces and felt an uneasy sense of temporary relief.

“Shite I really need a smoke.” Finn said looking at his shaking hands.

Rich threw him his cigarettes and lighter and grabbed a bowl from behind him.

“For one night only my friend you can smoke in the house…”

Finn lit up and downed his vodka which was quickly replenished by Chop.

“What the fuck Rich… did not have you down as a Tokens fan….” Finn said as “The lion sleeps tonight” came on.

Rich sniggered as all the friends started to sing along with Chop trying and failing to get the ridiculously high notes and Archie maintaining the bass rhythm.

Rich reached behind into his coat and started to skin up raising his eyebrows to see if there was any objection. None raised -  he continued in peace. He lit the spliff and gave it to Finn.

Finn looked at it and wondered whether to take it, he was a father now, a father, should he really……

“You know your dad’s always smoked the odd one Finn” Archie said raising an eyebrow. “Don’t you remember that night when we were 17 and we came back at 4am after Chop’s sexy Valentine’s party and we caught your dad shitfaced in the living room having a bloody good toke…maybe it wouldn’t hurt just for tonight…just for old times’ sake.”

Finn smiled at the memory took the spliff and inhaled deeply.

He lay back and closed his eyes. Archie took the spliff and smoked before passing it on.

Izzy started talking about some silly party they’d had around Chop’s flat one Christmas, one Finn recalled that happened when Alice was away. They had all danced around the flat singing into beer bottles and somehow he and Chop had ended up half naked on the balcony singing rubbish Christmas songs at passers by on the street.

He didn’t know if it was the stories, the vodka or the weed but some of that dreadful tension he’d been carrying started to ease. He sat up as he recognised a song blaring out.

“Winwood… this one’s a bit cheesy Rich” he said as “Higher love” came on.

Suddenly he stood up “So who’s going to dance with me?”

The whole circle stood up and placed arms around each other shoulders and danced round in circles one way and then the other until Archie moaned….”Oh Christ I am so dizzy……it feels like my soul is stuck on an endless roundabout…”

The group had ended up laughing and sitting back down. T’Pau’s “China in your hand” came on.

“Bloody hell Rich you’ve lost all credibility now… this is the emmental…nah the gorgonzola of songs.”

Chloe started to giggle… “Er I think that’s one of mine Finn.”

“Yours…… really?” he said raising his eyebrows.

The group burst into laughter as Chloe tried to pull her innocent face.

“This is the One” came on next on the stereo and Finn winced but Archie quickly pulled him into a hug.

“More Vodka” said Finn.

Chop poured another round as Izzy whispered in his ear “Don’t give him too much - it won’t help.”

Finn downed his vodka. “I, I was thinking…. would Steve …..do a show for Rae… you know all her favourite tunes and that….”

“Good plan mate” said Archie pleased to hear something positive. There were encouraging noises all round.

The group started reminiscing about parties of old and silly things they had done. Finn was really starting to talk and traces of the old Finn were clearly visible. He’d burst into fits of laughter when “I’m the urban spaceman” by the Bonzo Dog doo-dah band came on. He’d sung along to the lyrics and demanded more vodka.

Chloe had poured another round. At some point another spliff had been lit and another couple of rounds of vodka poured. Finn had suddenly felt very tired. It was more than the exhaustion he’d been carrying with him, it was a deep and very physical tiredness and he’d curled up onto his side. Chloe and Izzy went upstairs and fetched all the bedding they could find - duvets and pillows and sleeping bags.

Izzy put a pillow under Finn’s head and covered him with a duvet. Archie lay down facing his friend and put an arm on Finn’s waist. Rich lay behind Finn placing a hand on his shoulder. Chloe spooned in behind Rich. Chop and Izzy lay perpendicular to the others at their feet.

“The ballad of easy rider” by Fairport came on. Finn was surprised Rich had this version and not the Byrds’ one. He remembered his nan loved this and started to sing quietly

“Flow river flow

Let your waters wash down

Take me from this road

To some other town”

Finn closed his eyes and let the music wash over him and take him to another place. He felt calmer than he’d done for days knowing his friends were all there with them.

At some point Rich had pressed the remote and switched the radio on quietly.

**********************************

Finn had almost come to in the night, fighting some terrible dream. He’d felt both Archie and Rich snuggle in close to him and had allowed sleep to overtake him once again feeling safe and loved.

He’d actually been last to wake in the morning. He wouldn’t let go of Archie who hadn’t the heart to move. When he woke up, the first thing he did was ask for the phone so he could check on the progress of his girls. He was heartened by the fact that Grace was doing so well, they thought she might be off the CPAP within the week but he was shocked that the infection markers in Rae’s blood had actually dropped, not significantly but nonetheless they had dropped.

***************************************

The next few days were a routine of hospital visits with Grace doing well and Rae’s infection levels continuing to drop. Finn had managed to get through somehow.

He noticed on the Neonatal unit that all his daughter’s paperwork and armbands had been changed from “Baby Earl” to “Grace”. Half of him was very happy and the other half hated the fact that the “Earl” had gone. It filled him with a sense of foreboding and discomfort that he couldn’t quite shift despite telling himself that things were going the right way for Rae.

He smiled when he saw the huge handmade card on the top of the incubator made by Jasmine with “GRACE” in multicolour letters.  He also saw the bear that Jasmine had bought Grace sat on the top of the incubator. He looked around before settling down into the chair and noticed how many of the other babies had small toys on top of their incubators or in the corners. He realised that he wanted to be the one to buy Grace something.

He had a cup of tea in the parents’ kitchen and saw one of the dads he’d once spoken to and wondered where he had gone. The other father had explained that they’d moved out of NICU/HDU and into the special care nursery further down the ward. Finn realised he knew so little about what to expect, he’d been taking it each day at a time.

He’d spoken to the nurses about it that day and they explained that the next steps were for his daughter to start on feeds. Finn had frowned but they explained the babies were fed milk in a tube directly passed down from nose or mouth to stomach. They been joined by a doctor who had asked for his consent to use formula milk. This had made him quite flustered. He and Rae had never discussed how she wanted to feed the baby. The whole question had reduced him to a hot stuttering mess.

Grace’s nurse was one they’d had before. Finn had still not managed to get his head around what the shift patterns were and when the shifts changed. He liked this nurse as she was older, calmer and had been the one who’d helped him with kangaroo care. She’d sat down with him and explained that his daughter needed to move onto milk now as there was risk to her bowels if they did not. They had held off for as long as possible. She’d then mentioned that donor milk was a possibility.

In the end he’d thought about it and agreed to donor milk. He just hoped he was doing the right thing by Rae as well as his daughter. The nurse was relieved that the doctors had not had to make the decision for him.

The ward sister had been careful when allocating nurses to Grace as the situation was very delicate. Whilst their job primarily lay in the care of their patients they also had to look after the parents and support the family unit. It was particularly tough in cases like these. The sister had been told by the maternity unit that the mother and father were a young couple who hadn’t been together that long and he hadn’t had that much time to adjust to becoming a father unexpectedly.

The sister had found Finn to be a quiet and sensitive soul. She was grateful that he had a great support network. There always seemed to be someone with him - at any time of day or night. Technically, only parents were supposed to visit outside of the morning and afternoon visiting slots but she’d bent the rules to allow him not to be alone. It had quite often been a tall slightly older muscular man visiting with him. The pair looked like they should be in a band with their scruffy appearances and they were constantly talking about music.

When one of the nurses had handed her a copy of an old Sunday paper, she’d realised that Mr Nelson was a minor celebrity in his own right. The ward had received a few calls asking after him and this had disturbed her deeply. She’d had to sit the staff down and explain that Mr Nelson’s daughter was just another patient and they were not to bother him. She also reminded all the staff of the confidentiality policy.

******************************

After he had visited Rae, Finn had called Rich at lunchtime and woken him up, saying he wanted to go into town and buy something for Grace. He also wanted to get a decent meal away from the hospital cafeteria with its unappetising cardboard food. Rich had suggested that he try Chloe because she would know where to go shopping. He arranged to pick up Finn within the hour.

Finn had gone to sit with Rae for another half hour and then went outside for a smoke. He had really managed to cut down but not stop completely. He’d been lost in his own thoughts, when he heard a familiar voice and he froze rooted to the spot.

“Finn, how are you?”

“I heard about Rae being ill and just wanted to make sure you were ok.”

Finn tried to speak but the words were caught in this throat.

“A….A…Alice” he stuttered. What the fuck was she doing here?

“You know it was on the radio Finn, that Rae was critically ill… and well I thought you might need some support.”

“Alice, I…..what were you thinking?”

Alice smiled “I thought you might need some comfort Finn.”

He wasn’t sure if he was actually going to be sick.

“Don’t you remember what I told you? I don’t want you in my life.” He snarled.

“But Finn..”

“Don’t you dare….Alice, I don’t think I ever really liked you let alone loved you. Right now I need to focus on Rae and my daughter.”

Alice had gone pale. “You’re……you’re a father?”

He realised that she didn’t know. “Yes Alice, I am father…. “

Rich and Chloe joined Finn, standing close. Both were extremely concerned having spied Alice from the car as they knew full well what she was capable of, and Finn was in no place to cope with it all.

“But Finn I ……..”

“Just fuck off Alice. You had your chance and there’s no way I ever want to see you again. And, if you come near me, my daughter or my wife again, I will be forced to take out a restraining order against ya…..do ya get it now? do ya?”

Alice stood there tears running down her face.

“Now you’ll have to excuse me, I have some shopping to do.” with that he grabbed Rich’s right hand in his left and Chloe’s left hand in his right so he walked off in the middle of the three.

Chloe started to giggle as they got to the car.

“Sure you weren’t a bit harsh there Finn?”

Finn shook his head. “She needs to get the fuck out of my life and start living her own.”

“Was that an intentional use of the word “wife”?”

Finn smiled and shook his head…”Nah, it sort of slipped out. Suppose it won’t do any harm.”

The three went to a pub for lunch and Finn ate his fill of cottage pie and peas followed by apple crumble.

“I had no idea I was even hungry. That were good.”

“You need to eat a bit more Finn, keep your strength up.” said Chloe.

Finn frowned and considered what she’d said.

“Suppose.”

“Nelson, there’s no suppose about it. You need to keep yourself going. This hospital merry-go-round is exhausting and you’ve not been eating much. You’re looking a bit too lean right now.”

“Really? I suppose…. I just don’t remember to eat most of the time.”

Chloe had taken Finn to a couple of shops and he’d been phased by the sheer about of baby paraphernalia you could buy. In the end he had chosen a small Jemima Puddleduck toy. He’d looked at baby clothes too but wasn’t sure whether to buy any, what would fit or when they would be needed as so far all Grace had worn was a hat and a nappy.

As they drove back to the hospital Rich told Finn he needed to be back with Rae, radio tuned to No Crap FM by 8pm. When Finn had asked why, Rich had winked and Chloe smiled. He once again felt strong, that unnamed thing inside him was assurgent with his friends surrounding him.

He’d gone to see Grace first. He’d sought out her nurse and asked to do kangaroo care. The nurse was very pleased that Finn was now trying to get actively involved. She’d shown him how to change a nappy before she’d taken grace out of the incubator. Finn had been shaking, it was no mean feat with all the wires in the way. She’d also shown Finn how to clean Grace’s eyes and dampen her lips with sterile water and a cotton bud so they didn’t dry out.

As Grace was placed on his chest, Finn once again felt that warm feeling of intense astonishment at his tiny daughter. The nurse brought back Jemima having sanitised her and passed her to Finn.

“Hey missy, look what daddy’s bought you……it’s Mrs Jemima Puddleduck….Me nan used ta read me the Beatrix Potter books when I was little and I expect your mum’ll read them to ya, when you’re a bit bigger.”

He revelled in the feeling of her breathing against his chest and asked the nurse to once again take photos. This time she caught him smiling at Grace and and another smiling looking at the camera.

“Think that one’s going to be for mummy.” said the nurse smiling and showing Finn the picture.

************

Finn made it up to see Rae clutching the photo of him and Grace by 8pm and switched the radio on.

He heard Steve’s voice. “Right as some of listeners are aware, our favorite DJ - Rae Earl is pretty ill in hospital where she’s been for a while. So all week we will be hosting a special slot at this time for Rae featuring her favourite tunes. We have a couple of guest DJ’s lined up. So to kick off we have “She’s Electric” by Rae’s all time favourite band Oasis.”

Finn smiled and held Rae’s hand throughout the show, chattering to here about the tracks Steve was playing.

“You know I’m a great fan of Oasis girl, but your all time favourite band….well …surely you’ve got to admit the Roses are actually better…………”

“I know you like this one ‘cos you’ve never been able to hide that massive crush you have on Damon. Though dull name choice - Song 2’s hardly inventive is it……”

“Ah Garbage, yeah Shirley’s got a great range to her voice, the lower register is particularly impressive… no I’ve never wanted to get in her knickers before you ask….you’ve been mine since….since our first show…”

Finn had again sat with Rae through the show the following day, giving his commentary on the tracks. He felt it was like some odd one way conversation and made him feel a bit of a dork but nobody was listening.

In other respects it had been a good day with talk of them trying Grace off the CPAP. In the end he’d stayed up late, Rich joining him at midnight for a good three hours of sitting and watching Grace.

Finn knew by now that the ward sister had bent the rules for him by allowing Rich in at night as the nurses had told him as much. But she’d agreed that if that’s what Finn needed right now then so be it.

Finn had come up with a plan; a good plan. He’d told Rich of his plan for the following evening show and Rich had agreed to help out.

************************

The following day Finn had gone into the neonatal unit in the late morning and had found Grace was off the CPAP and on a nasal oxygen cannula. He’d spent a couple of hours with Linda on the unit. He’d changed Grace’s nappy again. Linda looked on at Finn getting more confident at handling her granddaughter and she’d been really proud of him. Finn, with the help of a nurse, had given Grace to Linda to hold and Linda had cried bittersweet tears. She was so happy to see Grace doing so well, yet she knew she shouldn’t be holding her before her own daughter but such was the situation.

Finn had taken a couple of pictures and asked a nurse to take a picture of him, Linda and Grace. Likewise when Gary had come in that afternoon he’d passed up on holding Grace so his father could hold his granddaughter for the first time. Gary looked down amazed at the tiny bundle and had choked on his tears.

“She’s so beautiful son. So beautiful.”

“I know. She’s just amazing da, look she can hold ya finger.” Finn put his finger in his daughter’s tiny hand and she grasped it.

Gary frowned at the bruises on Grace’s hands and Finn saw what had concerned him.

“Them bruises are from the drips, they don’t last long in one place. I wish I could be the one to suffer it instead of her, it’s just not fair.”

Gary looked at his son and realised how far he’d come. Those were the words of a true father and could have been what he wanted to say. He wished he could help his son shoulder the burden knowing Rae was still sedated on a ventilator.

************************************

Finn had left early that afternoon. He was picked up by Archie and Rich. He’d left express instructions with Linda to be at Rae’s bedside and tune into No Crap FM. It was an unusual request but Linda would have done anything that might just help Rae.

Finn was nervous, he had no idea why given he’d DJ’d so many times in so many different situations. Yet this time he knew the person he wanted most to listen to his set probably wouldn’t even hear the show. He didn’t think he’d make it through alone so he’d taken Archie and Rich to be his wingmen. Chop and Izzy had cooked them an early supper so they were ready to start at 8pm.

“So Earl, I know just how much you love reggae, so we’ve got to kick off tonight with the one and only master of Reggae - Bob Marley and “Is this Love?”

He sat quietly listening to the track, finger tapping lightly against his thigh.

“Girl, I think you probably like The Cure as much as me. This track was written by Smith as a wedding present for Mary, saying however much he had to travel and be away, he’d still love her. You know what I’m saying….It’s “Lovesong”.

Finn had to bite his cheek as the song started to play and Archie grasped his hand and squeezed it.

“This one’s a bit different. It’s Elastica and ya know I just love them for Frishman as your love for Blur is based around Albarn. I hope you can hear this one - and a “Connection” will be made.”

Finn was starting to struggle but he knew he had to get through.

“Earl I know you’ll laugh at me for this as it is the King….. and I know you’ll think this song is pure stilton …..it’s “Always on my mind”.

Finn’s voice had cracked as he announced the song and he was shaking. Rich had put an arm around him and nodded at Archie. Archie grabbed the next vinly from the list.

“So Rae, bet you never thought you’d hear me on the radio. This has an epic introduction because we all know that you love playing air guitar… for you and Grace it’s Guns n’ Roses… actually what was the “n” all about? … They could have used an “and” ….appalling grammar really… oh yeah it’s “Sweet Child O’ Mine”.

Finn had started to snigger a little and he whispered in Archie’s ear “Only you would have a go at grammar of band names on air, you plum.”

Finn picked up the mic again. “Just to change the tone completely because I like confusing you this one’s great for dancing, even in small spaces like the studio or cupboards or errr… well you’ll remember this… it’s Percy Sledge and “The dark end of the street”.

Finn remembered the time they danced in that very studio to this track and he felt like someone had punched him hard in the guts.

“Girl, I don’t know how you knew that this was one of my all time favourites …. So back at you girl….. “We never have enough time to show our love”. It’s the ultimate shoe-gazers Ride with the dreamy “Vapour Trail”.

Finn  had barely managed to get the last words out and this time it was Archie that pulled him in for a hug whilst Rich put on the next vinyl.

“Rae, you can’t go wrong with the big O…..” Rich said with a smirk in his voice only too aware of the double entendre… “And you know we’d all “Drive all night” to see you better….It’s Roy Orbison.”

Finn rallied again. Rich and Archie were playing it by ear. Finn searched out the next track.

“Miss Earl, I can’t tell you how many times I have played this track, I’ve said before and I’ve said again, you should never give up on your dreams however hard the path seems. Keep “Chasing Rainbows” … one of Shed Seven’s classics.”

Finn hummed along quietly trying to keep his mind on the job not on memories or fears.

  
  


“Right while we’re back onto your favourite territory of Indie music.. It would be a crime not to play the Roses right? And there is one track for you girl.. you are my “Sally Cinnamon”.. you are my world Rae Earl”.

Finn was really struggling now fighting back the tears. Archie and Rich weren’t sure what to do as there were no songs left on the list that they felt qualified to play when Archie grabbed “What’s the Storey Morning Glory” and waved it at Rich who nodded.

Archie started off :“We knew we had to play you Oasis, because we all know you are the biggest Oasis fan ever.”…

….”Although quite how you never made it to Knebworth is a mystery” Rich added. “This is what is arguably the greatest Oasis track “Champagne Supernova”….

“”Actually I’d beg to differ…” said Archie.

“Really?”

“Yeah Wonderwall is inherently a tighter song. It’s perfection…. but who I am to …well hope you like this Rae.”

Finn burst on “These two are so shit at arguing ….. come on Earl we need you back or we will be forced to subject you to more of this dire banter.”

As the song came on, Finn realised he probably shouldn’t have sworn live on air. He also thought he had time for one more song. What the hell could he play? It had to have impact. Then the idea came to him…why hadn’t he thought of it before?

“Right Earl, time for the big guns, the massive guns. I am compromisin’ my musical integrity with this one and I know you’ll never let me live it down …. but I know you are secretly a massive fan….yeah it’s the F-ing “Spice Girls”…..with their urm.. epically… urm beautiful “2 become 1”  - because “I need some love like I never needed love before” … and if ya…”

Finn’s voice choked on his tears “…well there’s more where that came from, please don’t make me play them Mrs Nelson.”

*************************************

Linda started humming away to the Spice Girls, she loved the tune and wasn’t really sure why on earth Finn didn’t play more tunes like this. She noticed that Rae’s heart rate had gone up on the machines she was connected to and hoped this would be a good sign.

Finn arrived around ten, having had drunk tea with Archie, Rich and Steve. He hadn’t realised his show had overrun because nobody behind the perspex had made any signs that he should stop. Steve had simply allowed the show to overrun and, as a result, had shortened the following show.

Linda held his hand as he sat down. “Nice show love. You really love Rae don’t you?”

Finn nodded.

“That er comment at the end…” Linda looked expectantly at Finn.

Finn bit his lip and frowned. “If….well I want to ask her Linda….I mean this..”

“You’re both very young Finn and I’ve been around long enough to know Grace wasn’t planned.”

Finn nodded. “Yeah but Linda, I would have wanted to ask her even if she’d never got pregnant.”

Linda squeezed his hand. “You’re a good man Finn Nelson, a very good man. And you’re going to be a fine father I know that.”

After Linda left, Finn pulled out a CD of Chloe’s and put it quietly. He silently cursed as the most annoying tune known to mankind, no to Finn Nelson, came on.

“Rae you bloody better start pulling through this because I don’t know how much more of this utter shite I will be able to listen to. I know you secretly love the Spice Girls as much as you love Oasis … this song it makes my brain bleed Rae,…. It’s so unbelievably irritating “ he said as the strains of “Wannabe” started playing.

Finn had managed to sit through the entire Spice Girls CD. He was surprised he hadn’t been sick with the vile music or blood hadn’t poured from his ears but he would endure anything for Rae.

He’d managed to redress the balance by asking the nurses in the Neonatal unit to tune the radio into No Crap FM and he listened to a rock set whilst holding Grace.

**************************************************

Finn had actually managed to sleep reasonably well that night. Rich had come in about 4 am and he’d felt so thankful that his friends were still doing all they could even though the immediate aftermath of the initial crisis had passed. He felt guilty that he’d slept well.

Finn had made it just in time for the ICU ward round. He’d been shocked to find that Rae’s infection markers had dropped markedly overnight. The doctors had urged caution and not being too optimistic too soon. But Finn once again felt that unnamed thing resurgent inside him and once again it nourished him sufficiently to carry on.

However, when Finn had gone to the Neonatal unit to visit Grace, he felt as if his heart had stopped pumping blood around his body as he froze when he saw Grace’s incubator was empty. He was stood there staring for what he afterwards realised must have been seconds, but at the time had felt like minutes, hours even.

“Mr Nelson, Mr Nelson”.

Finn had blinked before turning around to face the ward sister.

“Could you come with me please.”

Finn followed the sister down to a room at the other end of the ward, one he had not visited before.

“This is the nursery Mr Nelson, Grace has graduated!” she said with a smile on her face.

Finn frowned as the room had a number of babies in and there were no closed incubators.

“Here she is.” The sister walked him to his daughter’s cot. Finn realised it had to be Grace because there was her Jemima Puddleduck standing on guard at the foot of the cot.

“She doesn’t need the incubator anymore, she’s just in a heated cot now. You’ll find it much easier to do her cares - change her nappy and the like. And you will be able to get her out on your own.”

Finn beamed. “Can I, can I …..take her out now and hold her?”

“Of course”. The sister could see Finn was nervous and stood there as he peeled back the blankets. His mouth opened slightly as he realised his daughter had been dressed in a tiny pink babygro and she had a bootie on the one foot  - the one without the drip.

“Oh she’s… she’s wearin’ clothes.”

The sister smiled “Yes, but until the drip comes out you’ll need a bit of help to change them so do let us know if they’re dirty or a nappy has leaked.”

Finn nodded, he was shaking ever so slightly now as he picked up the tiny bundle. The sister helped him with the wires so he could sit in the chair without tangling himself up. She then opened the cupboard below the cot and pulled out Rae’s shawl and placed it over Grace.

“We don’t want her getting cold do we?”

Finn shook his head and smiled. “Thanks…..thanks for…well for everything.”

The sister just smiled and left.

***********************************

Finn had gone back to Rich’s to collect what he needed for that evening. With his friends all back at work and him still not working, he felt as if he was living in some alternative reality. He knew any of his friends would take a day off at a drop of hat if he asked, but he didn’t want to trouble them too much. He thought he should consider getting back to doing a couple of shifts either at the local radio station or No Crap FM or something. But the conflict raged within him -  between this need for his own sanity and his need to be there all the time for his girls.

However much he reflected on this, he could not come to a sensible answer. Financially, he was finding things tough but Rich was refusing rent payments on the basis he was not earning while he was not working. He’d managed to take his accrued holiday from the local club where he had DJ’d and that meant enough income coming in for the basics like food.

He realised that he’d spent a fortune in the hospital cafeteria but apart from that and cigarettes and Jemima, he’d not been to a shop at all. Rich’s fridge had been permanently stocked with meals; he knew Dan and Archie had done a couple of massive cook-offs and had sent portions of food in tupperware boxes.

When Finn arrived back at the hospital he was still in a pensive mood. He knew Grace would be in hospital for a few more weeks but as for Rae, he had no idea at all. He didn’t dare even think about it. The doctors still couldn’t tell him whether she should get better or whether she would sucuumb to infection let alone when she would be able to come home. He supposed he should talk to his bosses, his father and Rich to try and come up with a plan. But it almost seemed pointless when there was no end in sight, no possible marker in the sand on which to hang any arrangement.

Finn settled down in ICU . He opened his vinyl bag - it seemed wrong that it had CDs in it, let alone these CDs. He smiled at the thought of what Rae would say if she knew. Actually maybe she was going to know.

He rifled through the bag for a particular CD. He knew this was going to make his head hurt and he was bloody glad he was there on his own. He’d never live this down especially after he’d played “2 become 1” live on air. He somewhat reluctantly removed the CD from its case and placed it in the CD player and pressed play. His faced rumpled up as the Backstreet Boys came on.

“Girl, I told you if you didn’t start fighting this I was going to throw the big guns at youagain. And here they are. I know you love the Backstreet Boys, I mean they are so talented musically and the music is just so …. so inspirational……who the fuck am I trying to kid? This is shite of the highest order Earl and you’re makin’ me listen to it…. so you’d better pull your fuckin’ finger out and get better or there’ll be more. D’ya hear me? ….There’s more….oh so much more….have you seen Chloe’s CD collection?…..Well I’m tellin’ ya girl there are some absolutely priceless CDs in there…..and I am sure you’d love to listen to them all wouldn’t ya?”

Finn squeezed Rae’s hand.

He sat there through half the CD and was not sure how much more he could take when he felt a hand on his shoulder - it was Rae’s nurse.

“A Mr Spice is here to see you - shall I bring him through?”

Finn frowned. Then he realised it must be Rich and he nodded forgetting to turn the music off.

“Ahh Nelson, I see you are having a little party without me. Ohhh fuck how on earth have you managed to get this far on the CD without clawing your eyes out?”

Finn smiled and giggled at little.

“You tell me Mr Spice….. I mean this is your girlfriend’s CD after all and I am sure that you listen to them too.”

“Ah yes the name….they were being all official and I couldn’t help myself….sorry. I do try and avoid Chloe’s music taste most of the time. I am trying to educate her though…… you landed on your feet with this one though….” He said patting Rae’s hand.

Finn swallowed and nodded “Well she’s given me more than a run for my money. I’ve let her listen to all her favourites on the MP3 for quite some time now and I thought….well I thought I might try ta irritate her into getting better.”

Rich shook his head. “You two, it’s always been a battle over music but I know the way you disagree - it’s just a sign of ….. of how you love each other.” He patted Finn on the shoulder and Finn nodded.

Finn managed two runs through the Backstreet Boys before he decided he could stand it no longer and went to get some supper in the cafeteria. He put his headphones on so he could cleanse his brain of what he’d just inflicted on it. He was finding the headphones were becoming increasingly useful at defending him against unwanted conversation and small talk. Sometimes he put them on and didn’t actually switch the MP3 player on, but he had noticed how it gave him the perfect excuse not to talk when he didn’t want to.

Finn spent a couple of hours with Grace, he’d successfully negotiated a nappy change and had been shown to to feed her milk down the NG tube. He was still uncomfortable with the decision he’d had to make on that one but he was beginning to understand that part of being a parent was making decisions for someone else based on the best information you had and you knew you weren’t going to get it right all the time.

He was pleasantly surprised at how the nursery was different. The atmosphere was more relaxed, parents were much more involved in caring for their babies, it was far less intimidating and less medical. He still thought it smelt too much of disinfectant though. He noticed how other couples had their babies out to hold them and quite a lot of them were small like Grace. He just wished her mother could be there to complete the picture.

Finn had gone home and played a few of Rich’s jazz vinyls. He was really starting to like jazz. Rich had come home early. He’d explained how he’d taken Chloe out for dinner and she’d gone back to Chop and Izzy’s as she was working early the next day. The two of them had listened to vinyls in near silence for an hour, just allowing the music to wash over and through them. Finn was pleased that he once again had company at night. The nightmares were something he could do without and there was nothing worse than waking up drenched in sweat, alone in an empty house. Things seemed so much worse in the middle of the night, so much more crippling and devastating. He knew he needed his sleep to keep coping.

********************

When Finn arrived at Intensive Care the following morning, he’d been shown into a side room by the doctors. He’d felt his heart rate go through the roof, his mouth had gone dry and his palms were sweaty.

“Mr Nelson, we’re not entirely sure why this has happened, especially not so quickly but we have to tell you Miss Earl’s blood infection markers have come down extraordinarily overnight. She’s certainly turned a corner and if this continues we should be able to look at taking her off the ventilator tomorrow.”

Finn swallowed. He thanked the doctors and nurses. He spent the next 24 hours in a complete daze, desperately longing for Rae to continue fighting but too sacred to imagine the best. He was a complete nervous wreck. He couldn’t even dare to imagine what the next steps might be.

After a torrid night where he had tossed and turned, he’d gone early to the ICU and had to wait impatiently for the ward round. He’d almost held his breath awaiting the verdict, his heart hammering in his chest. When the doctors told him they were going to reduce the sedation and remove the tube, Finn felt a mixture of trepidation and longing for his Rae.

Finn had had to wait while the tube was removed and was brought back into the room as Rae’s sedation was being reduced. He’d sat there for a long time, gazing at her, her hand in his whispering to her. They’d warned him it was a gradual process and she wouldn’t just wake up immediately but he’d wanted to stay, to be with her all the way.

He was getting tired on account of his lack of sleep and he was fighting his body’s urge to nod his head onto his chest. Periodically he would lose and his head would drop and he’d wake with a start seconds later. It was after one of these episodes that he noticed Rae’s eyelids begin to flutter.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK. I’m afraid I’m still nowhere near the end./ But this is the first 19000 words of what was mean to be part 19. So there is still more to come.  
> Massive drama alert though. (but its’s all real.)  
> I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way, but I am actually quite proud of this part.  
> Special thanks to 14000romances because I listened to your playlist when writing and teastaindiary as your song will feature in the next part.

Rae felt like she was being rudely awoken from a deep, deep sleep that she did not want to wake up from. She could feel her right hand was warmer than the left.

“Miss Earl, Miss Earl…”

What the fuck? She just wanted to go back to sleep. Eventually, she thought if she opened her eyes she could convince the person with the voice to go away, so she could get back to sleep.

She very slowly opened her eyes to be met by a sea of concerned faces. What were they doing in her room? She groaned. The annoying voice belonged to someone in a blue outfit….hang on she’d seen outfits like that before……she wrinkled her forehead in concentration…..oh…oh.. she must be in hospital.

“Miss Earl good to meet you. Please don’t panic. You are in the intensive care unit. You’ve been sedated for quite a few days. You’ve been very unwell.”

“Urrrrr?” Rae’s brain was trying to tell her something something important but it just wouldn’t process her thoughts right now.

She looked around the room. There seemed to be an awful lot of nurses and doctors in here. She looked at her right hand, the one that felt warm and saw it was lying inside someone else’s hand. She looked up to see who it was. There was a moment of panic when she didn’t recognise the sunken eyed, dark haired man sat there, that was until she saw his eyes and finally his voice made it through the fog.

“Hello girl”.

That smile, yes she remembered that. Those freckles, those eyebrows, those lips. The only thing that didn’t look as she rememebered was his pallor - he was terribly pale with bruised circles etched deep under his eyes.

She then became aware of a warmth against her other hand. She turned her head to see another familiar face. Once again worry was etched all over it. Rather like that other time when she’d woken up from an anesthetic after she’d cut herself too deeply.

Hang on…. What had she done this time? Had it been another knife, a razor blade perhaps? No it wasn’t that. The connections were still taking their time. She knew there was something terribly important….something there. She shut her eyes again so she could think.

It seemed as if everyone was talking in her head making it hard to think, rather like that time she’d got water trapped in ears for hours after she’d been swimming when she was a  girl.

She was now fighting her need to be drawn back into the warm safe harbour of sleep. She knew whatever she was searching for was something so important, something she was so invested in, something that she cared about so deeply that she cared about it more than herself.

She opened her eyes again and found her eyes to be irritated by the harsh bright light. She looked at her mother again and smiled thinly. She turned her head and looked at …..at ….Nelson……no, that wasn’t quite it. She searched his eyes trying to get her mind to excavate his name when she remembered what she had been searching for. It was as if it was somehow written into his eyes.

She tried to speak , moving her lips even felt like hard work; like her lips were not managing to fully read the signals passed to them by her brain. Finally it seemed as if she was going to speak, but the word came out as part whisper, part croak “Baby?”

She saw the tears streaming down Nelson’s face and was filled with a sense of primal panic. Had she been able to move, she would have been out of the bed and running, running with no direction, just running away from this room, this place with its smell of disinfectant.

She felt the bed move and saw the man sit down on it, he brushed her hair gently from her eyes and held his hand on her cheek. She knew he loved her very much. She saw how he was struggling to speak, struggling to find words and she remembered how he’d always struggled to find the right words.

Then another memory forced its way out to the surface….no there were situations when he was good with words. She became aware that he was talking, talking to her.

“Rae……Rae”.

Of course, she was Rachel Earl…Rae Earl.

She blinked her eyes repeatedly trying to focus on the words he was saying. She understood it was very important, she needed to comprehend what he was saying and she tried once again to pull the words into meaning. She frowned again, the vital translation was not within her grasp. She was starting to get frustrated and upset now.

That was when he brought out the photo of a tiny baby, one in a pink hat… a girl. She instinctively knew this was was her baby. Then she noticed the tube in her nose and the line into her foot and she felt tears prick her eyes.  They started to run down her cheeks.

Then she felt his warmth pressed up against her, his arms around her and she remembered his embrace, like it was etched into her very being.

“Mr Nelson, she probably needs a bit of space she won’t be able to sit up by herself for a while. Please Mr Nelson.”

He moved back and she felt miserable without his warmth, his embrace. She opened her mouth  and tried to push the words out. It was as if they were reluctant to leave the sleepy warmth of her body. But she refused to give up, there was too much at stake, too much had remained inside her for too long.

“Our baby.”

He grasped her hand once again and nodded.

“Aye, our daughter Rae. Our beautiful wee daughter.”

And she fathomed from his face and his expression, that her daughter was alive and was doing well. The immediate sense of panic flooded out of her leaving her tired and she once again closed her eyes and could no longer fight her need for sleep, for oblivion.

She could still hear voices but they washed over her as she returned to the warm depths of sleep.

************************************

Finn had been somewhat unnerved by Rae having gone to sleep but the medical staff explained that this was entirely normal, not that there was necessarily a normal reaction to having been critically ill and sedated on a ventilator for a couple of weeks.

Medically it appeared that Rae was basically close to having conquered the infection - her temperature, heart rate and blood pressure were within normal limits. The one slight remaining glitch was that were white blood cell count hadn’t quite returned to the expected level, however it was dropping every day and Rae was still on intravenous antibiotics.

Finn had sat at Rae’s beside watching her sleep for several hours, when the nursing staff suggested that he might want to pop down to Neonatal and see his daughter in this lull. Finn once again felt torn between his strong desire to stay and an equally strong desire to spend time with Grace. He knew going to see Grace logically made sense if Rae was asleep.

Somewhat reluctantly, he made his way down to the Neonatal unit. When he got there Grace’s assigned nurse had stopped him before he entered the nursery. He once again experienced that draining feeling; the security that had recently built up within him quickly waning to a mere drop. His need to steel himself for the news manifesting itself in his hand having been firmly placed against the wall.

However, he realised that his security and warmth had, in actual fact, merely been dampened when he was told that Grace’s bilirubin levels had increased to the point where she once again needed UV therapy for her jaundice.

Finn knew this meant she would be under a bright lamp and she would be once again back to only wearing a nappy. More difficult was the fact that he knew he would not be able to hold her precious body to his and feel her breathing against his skin.

These intimate moments had become his lifeblood. They had coursed through his veins bringing warmth, compassion and love to his heart. They had numbed him to the mundane, the outside world and temporarily alleviated his other worries and his fears.

Finn walked into the nursery and sighed. He realised that Rae wasn’t going to be ready to come down here and participate in looking after Grace like the other mothers (or fathers he reasoned) for quite some time yet.

During the extremely limited period for which she had awoken, it was clear that she was physically exhausted; her body had given its best to the fight, to that mortal struggle. While he couldn’t have been more grateful and relieved, it inherently meant that her body had nothing left to give. It was now going need time, to heal, to repair and to remember what it had done before.

As he sat down he saw that Grace was wearing some grey material goggles over her eyes to protect them from the harsh UV light that broke down the bilirubin in her skin that caused the jaundice. He smiled - they looked a bit like sunglasses and he couldn’t resist from taking a photo for Rae. He remembered her love of sunglasses. She always seemed to be wearing a different pair; metal, plastic, shaped mirrored…Rae had them all. She’d miss this moment and he wondered how many more she’d miss before she was well again.

His mind briefly drifted back to the first time Grace had had jaundice. How it had seemed to be yet another insurmountable hill, something else that was trying to break him, trying to splinter his soul into so many pieces that he would not be able to put it back together again. He also recalled how jaundice had actually been a pretty trivial worry in the grand scheme of things back in those darks days of neonatal intensive care. The strange thing is all he can recall of those first few days now was the awful churning feeling in the pit of his stomach, the darkness and the fear.

He remembers with utmost clarity holding his daughter for the first time. That breath stopping, all-consuming, unquestioningly inexorable feeling of loving another life more than his own. That feeling had nourished him when nothing else could keep him going.

He carefully places a finger inside his daughter’s tiny palm and she grasps it and once again he feels a sense of tranquility, a haven from the disquiet that had crept in after the initial euphoria of Rae’s waking had flickered like a flame in draft and blown out. He knows now, that they will will ride out this tempest, maybe not completely unscathed but the storm will not take them.

He sits again and contemplates why he once again, feels like Sisyphus at the base of the hill, in complete knowledge that he will once again struggle and fight to push that rock up to the top of hill without the ability to triumph.

He thinks this is probably at the root of of life, that there is no lasting perfection, no fairytale endings but there can be happiness, joy and love. A lot of which he had read as a child and dreamt of is just an ideal transcending vision, which in its entirety would have to be a myth.

He thinks about Rich and the son he lost and he thinks about the indescribable pain that loss must have inflicted, yet his friend not only survived but helped him through his darkest ordeal, no matter the personal suffering that it must have engendered. He realises that these trials and torments do not always annihilate us but they can shape who we become and how we react. Sometimes that would perversely meant that those dark troubled times would make the good times more radiant.

He shakes his head and a wry smile touches his lips. What the fuck is going on in his head right now? He thinks he must be tripping on something right now because that felt like he was having a conversation with himself and the whole thing was a complete load of bollocks.

*************************************************************

Linda and Gary met Finn in the cafeteria for lunch. Linda was feeling somewhat deflated. She explained how she thought Rae was going to wake up and while she’d expected her to have been tired, she expected something of the old Rae there.

Linda cried and Gary held her hand feeling like something of a spare part. Finn had asked him to be there but he wasn’t sure what he could add to proceedings. He had somewhat more rationally expected Rae not to recover instantly. He’d been able to listen to the doctors warnings with a cool head - knowing that Rae would take sometime to wake up fully and more time to be well enough to function on her own, let alone be back to anything like normal.

Gary knew that a tough and possibly tortuous road lay ahead. The initial ravine may have been avoided and some difficult climbs made but he was only too aware there could be more to come. He had been more than proud, overcome even, with how his son had managed to face those agonising situations with courage and had come out of the other side, not unscathed but with his dignity intact; and most importantly as father unafraid to love his daughter.  

He considered how Rae might feel, having missed out on those first days of her daughter’s life to have missed Grace’s struggle and fight all through no fault of her own. He wondered how Rae might feel not being physically capable of being as involved as Finn with their child until she was once again mobile. Most of all Gary feared how Rae might feel on seeing his son’s relationship with his granddaughter. He loved Rae as his own child and fondly recalled the time she had spent with him while Finn was in Ibiza. But she would have to be beyond mortal to not struggle with what had happened to her and what it had robbed her of.

Then he remembered something the doctors had mentioned at the start in the neonatal unit that had been nagging at the back of his mind for a while. In the grand scheme it had been not worthy of further consideration but now, well… he wonders if Finn can remember.

He knows he probably shouldn’t be worrying about it right now but thoughts of the family being together and thoughts of the future which had once seemed so remote, have revived that thought. He mulls over what the doctors meant by “long term health implications” and decides not to say anything. The time isn’t right.

****************************************

Finn and Linda went back to sit with Rae. The nurses had said she had opened her eyes a couple more times and had once appeared to roll them and sigh before disappearing back into sleep. Finn smiled -  that sounded like Rae.

Linda was getting more nervous and tetchy by the minute and Finn was struggling with her inane conversation and anecdotes and the way she kept needing to fill the silence. In the end he’d gone outside for a walk. A walk for some “fresh” air he thought, wryly lighting a cigarette. He’d no idea that he’d been gone that long but when he’d returned Karim and Jasmine were now visiting. So he decided to use the payphone and call Archie on his mobile as he knew Archie would let the others know. He also wanted to warn them that there was little point visiting today as Rae was….well she was mostly sleeping.

Finn said goodnight to Linda and Karim and Jasmine as they left.

He sits next to Rae and as reprehensible as it was, he couldn’t help but feel a small amount of anger for her still sleeping when he needs her back so much, when he needs to feel her encircled in his embrace once more. He hates this part of himself. But part of him feels miffed and part is so desperate for her to be awake once more. Later, he’ll tell himself that he just couldn’t help it, that it was some deep seated need to have his girl back when in reality he just wants to annoy her a bit.

He puts Chloe’s awful Backstreet Boys Cd on and listens. Jesus, it was utter shite. How on earth anyone could ever listen to that and not have, or cause, a chemical imbalance was beyond him. He was still thinking about what misguided souls would actually buy this CD when out of the corner of his eye, he catches Rae’s eyelids flickering. For a second, he’s frozen to the spot, on his chair.

“Rae….Girl?”

“mmmmmmmmmmm”

“Hey girl.” He picks up her hand in his and involuntarily his thumb begins to stroke the back of her hand.

Rae looks at his face, his beautiful face. She realises it doesn’t look quite as fresh as she remembers. It’s definately less carefree and a little more worn. Then she remembers the nurse saying something about it having been more than 2 weeks.

She shuts her eyes for a second, gathering a hold of her thoughts and opens them again. Jesus he is beautiful this man….Nelson….no….

“F…Finn” she smiles weakly at him.

“Oh fuckin’ hell girl… thank Jesus f-ing Christ. I thought I was going to have sit through more of this shite” he says motioning at the Cd player.

Something comes back to her, she recalls this awful ear-splitting cacophony of shit from before, in one of those moments when she’d come close to breaking the surface. And it was what has woken her up now. Something snaps in place in her brain… oh yes…… this could be fun …

“I think this music is just heavenly. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.”

Finn does a double take and she tries to smile properly but it’s a pretty feeble attempt; her muscles not quite obeying her commands. She looks at his face again and there is confusion and fear written all over it and she realises that her idea was perhaps not in the best taste right now.

“Finn” she raises her eyebrows “This is one of Chloe’s right?”

He bites his lip and she can see something else in his eyes.

“Was it you that played this drivel to me? Made my ears fuckin’ bleed”.

He starts to laugh. The sound starts as a small nervous laugh and as she smiles at him and he nods to her, his laugh becomes louder, more rounded, deeper even and it’s infectious. She realises she’s laughing too and now he’s laughing without inhibition but with utter abandon and she hears the joy and the relief as his face creases and those adorable lines form around his eyes.

When she finally has her breath back. She whispers to him “You utter bastard, Nelson. The Backstreet Boys? Become your favourite band have they?”

He sniggers and she can see a flash of pain run over his face. “Girl I played the Spice bloody Girls live on air for ya…I would have done anything”.

He’s back biting the inside of his cheek now. She understands he’s apprehensive, his body has tensed once again. He moves and carefully sits on the edge of the bed and she sees his hands are shaking gently. He reaches a hand over and smooths her hair down, tucking the loose ends behind her right ear. He’s looking at her now his deep brown expressive eyes full of something, his breath is catching slightly in his throat as he leans forward and places a kiss on her cheek.

The feel of his lips against her skin has caught her by surprise. His lips are warm, soft and full and her heart feels full when she has his kiss. He’s pulled back now, hands in his lap, playing with his fingers, once again she knows he’s somewhat ill at ease; there is something he wants to say. She knows words have never been his strong point but she can sense something’s different this time. He’s fighting his need for silence and pushing past his usual threshold.

“Rae, girl…..” his voice cracks…. “I need you to know, to know…. that I….I… I love you so very much. You….I…. it’s been horrendous, I’ve been so afraid…….I really love you with everything in my being girl……. and I ….. I also love our tiny beautiful daughter…Rae….you’ve given me something I never imagined possible in both your love and …..and in….in her….All I want, all I need is for us to be a family……that’s all that matters now….our family.”

She looks at him, at his face and she wants to kiss him. She wants to pour all the emotions she felt when he spoke those words into a kiss. She tries to move forward, to move her head off the pillow so she can capture his lips with hers but her reserves are no longer there and her body fails her. Just like it failed their daughter. A tear rolls down her cheek.

He moves towards her again, cupping her cheek and wiping the tear away with his thumb.

“Have, have I….Have I said something wrong?”

That raw vulnerability is back, in his voice, his eyes and his body and she shakes her head very slightly. His eyes are seeking answers in hers and she doesn’t know what to do. Then she realises he has set the example - he has laid himself bare and she wills her lips to move, to speak and to tell him what she needs more than anything else right now.

“K, Kiss me?” Her eyes wide in her vulnerability.

He raises his eyebrows and his eyes meet hers again. She nods her head almost imperceptibly in response to his question. His thumb is on her cheek again, his eyes never leaving hers as he leans forward and moves his face towards hers. Their noses are almost touching and he’s stopped once again searching her eyes and then it happens.

His lips are kissing hers. Those soft full lips are pouring him into her and somehow she responds. Her lips have not forgotten his kiss and she prays that he can feel what she is trying to say with that kiss.

When he pulls back and picks up her hand once more it’s as if her body has taken on life from his and she finds more strength than she was expecting.

“I love you Finn. I really love you.”

She wants to ask about the baby, she needs to know and to understand but her body is taking her back again back to its need to replenish and restore, back to those warm depths and she shuts her eyes defenceless against its call.

***********************************

Finn felt somewhat disquietened on the way to the Neonatal unit. He reasoned to himself it must be that although Rae was now doing as well as could be expected, she was still unwell and still had to recover from the major trauma to her body.

He went into the Neonatal unit and greeted the nurses. One of them asked how Rae was and he smiled.

“Yeah she’s awake now. You know doing well and that….” he stopped because he could feel the “but” before his lips even formed the words.

Tears stung his eyes and he tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. The sister appeared, his favourite sister who kept bending the rules for him and she walked towards him.

“It’s not easy is it pet?”

He shook his head.

“Look the nursery’s quiet. Why don’t you have a cuddle with Grace and if you want we can talk.”

He nodded numbly and followed her into the nursery.

As soon as he had Grace in his arms, his heart opened once again and he kissed her head well her wooly hat to be more accurate and covered her in Rae’s shawl so she wouldn’t’ get too cold.

The sister had sat down next to him and he knew he needed to talk even though he didn’t actually want to.

“I think I was bein’ a bit naive…. I thought she’d be herself when she woke up….but she’s like…like a shadow.”

Once again tears were in his eyes.

“Pet, she just needs a bit of time. You’ve done so well and I know you must be tired and confused and anxious but you’ve got to believe that all will be well in the end. I know how much you love this little one and you’re doing so well with all your visits and….just give it time.”

Finn smiled, now he had his daughter on his chest, he felt less splintered but he knew he wasn’t whole - there were still pieces missing, pieces that his very being needed and depended upon. He decided not to stay long.

He was surprised to find Rich and Chloe outside the hospital’s main entrance.

“What you doing here?”

“Gary called us, we…we wanted to make sure you’re ok…I mean we heard about Rae.”

He nodded and mouthed “thanks”. He allowed them to take him home with them and was grateful he once again didn’t have to be alone with his dreams in the dark.

*************************************************

Rae woke surprising early the next day. She knew she was hungry, really hungry. The doctors said she could eat and she managed some toast with jam. A couple of hours later she realised she was still hungry and the nurses happily brought her some more. They said it was a good sign, a sign her body knew what it needed to rebuild and repair itself.

She looked at the small collection of photos on the side next to her bed and found she could just move her arm sufficiently to pick them up. She spread them out on her bed covers and looked at them.

*******************************

She remembers that first doctors appointment, the one where she had been told she was pregnant and her feelings of disbelief and fear. She remembers with revulsion how she had tried to reject the notion she was pregnant, her thoughts about not wanting to keep the pregnancy about how she thought it ruined her life.

She remembers how she’d been so afraid of his reaction of telling him, that she’d traced it on his thigh while they were playing a show at No Crap FM. Once again she feels repulsed and embarrassed by her actions as she recalls how she’d scribbled him a note saying she’d deal with it and, with the benefit of hindsight, wasn’t surprised that he’d reacted so angrily and strongly against that.

She recalls with a smile, how she’d found the strength to play that show alone at No Crap FM, no show wasn’t the right word; it had been a declaration of love to him and for him, a pretty fucking public one at that. She smiles as she remembers how she’d inadvertently used the word “we” and how she’d played “True faith” and “Vapour trail” and how he’d turned up before the end of her show and those first few moments when they had used the words “our baby” for the first time.

She gazes on the photos of the the tiny baby girl in her cute hat and remembers that she’d been conceived in the studio because the tension between them had finally become too much and they hadn’t been able to control their feelings any longer. She knows she doesn’t regret it, that if she could go back, she would do the same again.

She smirks as she thinks back to his joyous celebrations with his friends, how he’d been infused with happiness at the thought of becoming a father and a little knot forms in the base of her stomach. It grows a little larger when she recalls how she had run away from the midwife when she’d mentioned her stay in the psychiatric unit, how she hadn’t wanted to be found, how she wasn’t taking responsibility…. and how she’d heard him talking, pouring his soul out to his nan’s grave and it had hit her that he really loved her, with every ounce of life within him.

She reminisces about how he’d fussed over her and made her eat, how they’d talked and he’d floored her in the best possible way by not running when she’d confessed to her past… and how he’d shown her in all his physicality how he loved her and she felt a blush creep into her cheeks, especially when she remembers how she’d leapt on him the next morning.

She thinks back to his face, his unbridled joy at the 22 week scan. How deliriously happy he’d been. She then shudders as she remembers her distress at the thought of meeting his father and of how calmly he’d handled the situation. She recalls meeting his father and being struck by how alike the Nelson men were and wonders about her daughter but her mind closes off to the present once again as if it’s too much for her mind to process.

She goes back to that cozy room in Gary’s house, fire lit, TV on and remembers what it felt like when the baby had had hiccups and how she’d told Gary he was going to be a grandfather and she feels proud - incredibly proud of how she handled that.

She recalls that first time she’d found herself in hospital with bleeding and it feels like a blow to the guts. She remembers how she’d tried to close him out, how she’d told herself it was for the best, he didn’t need to know and she squirms at the recollection, feeling the bile rising in her throat.

But then she recalls the sweet triumph over her fear as she announced to the world live on air that Finn was going to be a great father. She looks again at the collection of photos and feels that knot tighten further.

But then her mind wanders to the time she spent staying with Gary when Finn was DJ’ing in Ibiza and how she’d opened up to Gary and how Gary had tried to reassure her that she and the baby were everything that Finn wanted.

She calls up the time she and Chloe found  Finn and Rich sharing a bed, both of them exhausted from working and she remembers how much fun the four of them had had together. How they’d spent some precious time enjoying each other’s company and being young and carefree. And then she remembers how it was all cut short too soon.

Her body starts to shake and tremble as her mind tries to see how much memory she has of that dreadful day…. she knows there was pain, tremendous pain and fear, there was the warm sticky wetness of her blood and that dreadful metallic smell. She can’t remember what Finn said but she could recall with utmost clarity the primal fear in his voice as he cradled her useless body and then blackness.

She can feel her heart pounding in her chest, her mouth dry and she’s finding it hard to breathe, she hears an alarm sound a nurse comes rushing in.

********************

“Oh Miss Earl…gave me a bit of a fright there you did….I thought…. well”

The nursed paused “You’re sitting pretty well in bed now, you must be feeling tired. You know you’ve got to take it one step at a time.”

The nurse caught sight of the photos spread out on the bed.

“Gosh your Grace is beautiful isn’t she?”

Rae rumples up her face, she’s feeling confused and unsure.

“Grace?”  

“Oh… oh god I’m sorry. He hasn’t told you yet has he?”

She frowns…. then she realises “Grace” is her daughter’s name and that knot ties itself tighter yet and she can feel a creeping sense of hurt…… no it’s anger and its fingers are gripping her tightly now. She shuts her eyes and tries to block it out.

When she wakes, the feeling has diluted into a marked sense of unease. When Finn arrives all smiles with a bag of CDs and new pyjamas, she looks at him in disdain even though she loathes herself for it.

She can tell he’s struggling to register the change in demeanour since the previous day and realises he at least deserves to know why.

“Grace?” She says without masking the hostility in her voice.

His face crumples and he runs his hands through his hair.

“I, er…. well….she,….s..she” he stutters his voice cracking.

She feels the visceral pain in his voice and her stare softens.

“When she….. fuck Rae I…” he sits in a heap on the bed and takes her hand.

“Rae I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this….I don’t want to upset ya.”

“Well you already have …..so get on with it.” Her tone is curt and clipped.

She can see the pain in his eyes as he sits closer to her on the bed. She pulls her hand quickly out of his grip.

He hangs his head and she can see he’s trying to speak but the words don’t seem to be coming out. Her treacherous hand reaches out and puts a hand on his.

“You were saying?”

She’s surprised at the harsh edge in her voice.

“Rae…..girl….It’s been….. Jesus where do I start?…. Where the fuck do I start?”

She doesn’t answer as she knows it’s a rhetorical question. She also knows if she pushes too hard he’ll clam up and she doesn’t want that, she needs to know.

“I…fuck…I thought you…well they didn’t know if either of you were going..” He swallows. “To make it. …..Those first few days Rae…. I … I was terrified for both of you……and I…..”  Tears were streaming down his face now.

She squeezes his hand and frowns as if asking him to go on.

“There was this day girl, a day where you….. ya nearly died again”… he was stopping and catching his breath, she could see him fighting his body’s instinctive response to break down into sobs and she could feel her breath hitching in her throat.

“And I was with ya and I was begging and pleadin’….”

She looks at him, at his bewilderment and pain and wonders whether she really wants to hear anymore but she knows she needs to and nods at him to continue.

“…I thought…well they…they told me that ya might and I’ve never felt such darkness girl…never….and they called me from neonatal while I was sat with ya to say that our daughter …..she was having to fight with everything in her……the darkness swallowed me girl…..it…”

His body was contorted as the sobs wracked through it…..she could completely intuitively feel his pain and she pushes herself to lean forwards such that her body is pressed up against his and she feels the warmth of his body and the beating of his heart in his chest.

Slowly his breathing was slowing and his body stilling.

“It were too much at times Rae……..too much…..she was too ill for me to hold for quite a few days Rae…..and I thought it … I thought it might break me……but this…….this thing deep in me…it kept me going girl.”

She sees him blush and realises how hard this is for him opening up like this, laying his soul bare, lowering his barriers and she knows if she were to say anything now, it might crush him.

“That first time I held her….her tiny body against mine, her soft skin against me chest…..I thought me heart would explode…..that feeling were so wonderful, so overwhelmin’….and that’s when I remembered that …..the first time I ever saw her, Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” was playing …

Grace”.

He had just given a small shrug of the shoulders as if the name meant nothing to him, as if it could be changed. She feels her own heart hammering in her chest, and she knows their daughter has his heart. He speaks the words she fears he might say, that she has just reduced him too, with a clear crack in his voice.

“You can….ya can change it if ya don’t like it.”

She shakes her head. Despite the anger and jealously circling her heart, she fathoms that would be too unkind, cruel even.

“Grace can be her middle name?” he looks at her with those big eyes and she swallows down her own feelings and is almost astonished at her own words.

“Fuckin’ amazing choice Nelson, …Jeff Buckley hey?…Grace was a phenomenal album and I’m sure..” she felt her voice break as the tears hit her eyes.

His arms wrapping tightly around her, she shuts all that pain and anger out and just let them be, lets peace envelop her. She feels safe and protected, loved even in his embrace and decides not to fight as sleep comes calling once again.

************************************************

Finn and Linda had spoken to Rae’s doctors who had expressed their delight in how Rae was doing better than expected. She was to be moved to a normal ward and they explained how they hoped she would be able to go home in a few days.

Linda had got a bit carried away hugging the doctors and Finn had giggled at her over effusiveness. She’d been banging on about them all being at home and being a family.

Finn couldn’t think of anything he wanted, no needed, more but it hit him that Grace would still be in hospital for a while even after Rae had come home.

He’d taken Linda to sit with Grace for a while and had handed Grace to Linda who was sat in the chair and was less able to cope with the wires that attached her to an alarm and her drips.

Linda hadn’t stayed long as she wanted to get back to work and she left promising to visit Rae again that evening.

At long last he was once again alone with Grace in his arms. He hummed gently to her, first Friday I’m in Love and then Sally Cinnamon.

“Hey little one” he kissed her hat.

“Having a good day? Yeah?”

His eyes crumpled in concern at the bruise on her hand from the drip.

“That hurtin’ ya? here” he ran his index finger and gently as he possibly could over the bruise and then placed the lightest of kisses on her hand.

“There ya go little one. That better?”

He propped her up against his chest a hand on her back.

“I’m hopin…I’m hopin’ you’ll get to meet mummy really soon. I know ya’ve missed her. I’ve missed her a lot. She’s still a bit poorly mind, needs her sleep…rather like you…..but won’t it be amazin’? You know I can’t wait for the three of us to be back together.”

He subconsciously placed another kiss on top of her head and once again made his supplications to that unknown god or being that it wouldn’t be too long.

*********************

She opens her eyes and realises he’s here again. She can’t quite get over his dishevelled beauty, and she wonders what he saw in her. Then she remembers the crazy fool is undeniably completely in love with her and she smirks at him.

He frowns and bites his lip.

Christ, he’s biting his lip and she remembers the way his body had felt against hers and a strong yearning for him comes over her. She realises he’s talking and she’s been off with the fairies for the last couple of minutes.

“So will ya come and see our daughter?”

“I…I..erm” she doesn’t know how to say this.

The fear and pain and jealousy washes over her in a deliciously hateful mix and she tries to shut herself down to protect herself.

“Please Rae…she’s dyin’ to meet her mummy.”

Something switches in her, maybe its the word “mummy”, and her top lip curls in distaste and she stares at him, wondering if she ever really knew him.

“You won’t have to walk, we can get a wheelchair.”

She stares at him, has he not understood that she’s not even got out of bed yet and here he is pressurising her into going to some other god awful ward?

He’s still looking at her, frowning slightly. She knows he’s expecting an answer and she knows she has no words. She doesn’t dare open her mouth, lest she should shout at him and tell him to back the fuck off. She can feel her heart rate quickening and that knot tightening so much that she can’t breathe.

All she can do is shake her head.

And then she sees it. The crushing disappointment in his eyes and she feels the tears coming her own visceral fears have become so ingrained, so real that she could almost touch them as if they had a physical presence. She turns her head away from him, she doesn’t want him to see her like this. When he doesn’t leave like she expects or had hoped she opens her mouth.

“Please leave. I don’t want you here”.

She hears him knock a chair over as he runs from the room. Then she allows her grief to enshroud her whole being. She breaks down completely to the point where she is openly wailing and buries her head in the pillow to drown the noise. Her chest is aching with the sheer effort it is taking to cry this corporeally. And once again she slips from the room into a sleep punctuated with self loathing and nightmarish visions of ill babies.

****************************************

Finn had run the whole way out of the hospital through the grounds and had once again found himself at his nan’s grave. He sat on the floor and tried to verbalise the agony she had inflicted on him, that agony that had cut him to his core. His head ended up in his hands, his voice hoarse from crying; and then he’d felt it again.

Something was pushing up inside him something that had somehow sustained him to this point. Once again he was grateful for its presence; its very existence even. And he found his thoughts forming themselves more coherently and once again he spoke to his nan, voicing his preoccupations and his ingrained fear about them ever becoming a true family.

He sat down on the bench and felt sufficiently calmed to light a cigarette. He placed another behind his ear and took a deep drag on the first. It was then he noticed how cold was, how his body was shivering despite his coat. Then he felt another body sit on the bench and take his empty hand in theirs.

“Oh da…. it’s….why is it so fucking hard? I thought….oh it doesn’t matter.”

“It does son, what is it?”

“Rae….it’s Rae da….I think she hates me.”

His voiced cracked and his sobs returned again. He lamented the start the start Grace had had in life, how he’d been looking forward to Rae bonding with their daughter like he had done, and how that vision had crumbled before his very eyes with her refusal to see their daughter.

“She probably didn’t feel up to it son. You know she’s been through so much.”

“I could have accepted that da, I could have you know….but it was in her eyes and …in her voice…” he swallowed….”she didn’t want to see her da”.

Gary squeezed his son’s hand and he thought what he could say to lessen his son’s hurt and anguish…grief even. And that’s when it came to him.

“Son….Rae has missed something incredibly important for any parent, let alone a new mother. This…this illness of hers has robbed of her those first few precious days with her daughter. It’s a hell of a lot for her to take in too….but I really think she just needs time Finn, to absorb it to fully and to understand what has happened…..and she can never get that time back Finn, those first few days of Grace’s life are lost to Rae forever. I..er..I expect she’s worried too, son, about Grace. She knows her daughter was born premature and in very difficult circumstances……it’s not as if she’s out of the woods yet either….oh sorry I er..”

Finn could recall the doctors saying something and it nagged at him again. He remembered how he’d felt at the time but he couldn’t for the life of him remember what it was they had actually said. He chose to let it drop for now, now wasn’t the time to get embroiled in another circle of distress and fear.

“It doesn’t matter right now da…I don’t think I can have helped bangin’ on about how ill Grace had been today. I didn’t intend to frighten her da, I was just tellin’ her how it was.”

“I know and I expect she knows that too. But Finn this experience must have been extremely traumatic for her and that period she’s lost …she needs to grieve for it and perhaps ….well you might just need to give her her space and play it by ear son… for a while at least.”

Finn nodded. Then he frowned.

“How come you’re here da….I mean I’m pleased you’ve come but..?”

“Well I went to the hospital, expecting to meet you for supper as we arranged. I thought you were probably late to start with, then I tried the wards and …..well I called your friends in the end and I …..well, it’s quite selfish of me but I came to mum’s grave, I needed her advice ….I was worried about you……It’s been a hell of a lot to cope with son and …..well I know you’ll understand a bit now…..however old your children are, however strong and grown up they may be….your need to protect and love them…..it never leaves son…..never.”

Finn put his arms around his father. “I love you da. You know I come here to talk to nan…. that’s what I was doing before you showed up.”

“Get off will ya…I’ll start crying in a minute.” said Gary.

The two walked back into town and went to the cafe where Finn had taken Rae after he’d found her in the graveyard, struggling to cope with the life changing enormity of her pregnancy. He mulled his dad’s words over in his head. He’d had a lot longer than Rae to come to terms with things. He’d found that unnamed thing inside him, that tree, that very life force that fed him strength and he knew somehow Rae needed to find hers.

However, the whole day’s events troubled him deeply and when he arrived home to his house. It had only taken a few kindly words from Rich before he was once again a wreck. Rich had called into his club and left his deputy in charge sensing his friend needed him again. Finn was curled up on the sofa as Rich passed him a glass of single malt when he noticed that Chloe had gone.

“Where’s Chlo?”

“Oh …erm… she left.” Rich looked at the floor.

“For fuck’s sake…. she didn’t have to…. she mustn’t feel….it’s bad enough that my life is bit fucked right now….that shouldn’t mean everyone else’s is too.”

He went outside slamming the french windows and lit a cigarette. Rich left him. He knew Finn was in profound pain stemming from the situation. He knew Finn needed to let the anger simmer down. He remembered his pain all those years ago and what he would have given….to have just been in Finn’s position ….but he realised that Grace had given him his hope back, something he once thought was irretrievably lost.

Finn came in and sat down on the sofa next to Rich. “Sorry” he extended his arm and placed his hand on his friend’s arm.

“Nelson, it’s fine and you know it is. Come on, tell me about today….I think you probably need to..”

Finn needed no more prompting as he replayed the distressing scenes with Rae once more. Rich knew Finn was deeply wounded and it struck him how vulnerable Finn was. How he had completely put himself on the line for Rae and how she had the ability to break him. But he had known Rae for long enough to know that she would never do such a thing intentionally.

He had comforted Finn repeating all the words Gary had used a few hours earlier. That Rae had been through a hugely traumatic experience and how she might be struggling with the fact that Finn had been there for their critically ill daughter when Rae couldn’t.

Rich stayed inside as Finn went outside for another smoke. It was then that everything hit him and he wondered how the fuck he’d kept everything together for so long. He knew he couldn’t have done it for anybody, in fact it was probably only because it was Finn and Rae he’d been able to subconsciously value their needs as more pressing and salient than his own. It was something he never thought he’d be capable of again after James.

Finn came inside to the sight of Rich with his back turned to the door, head in his hands. Although he was silent Finn instinctively knew he was crying and why he was crying. He sat down and put a hand tentatively on Rich’s back. His friend seemed to curl deeper into himself and he felt his chest constrict as he realised what he had put him through, especially with his tirade of self pity when at least Grace lived and Rae, well he still had Rae, even if the situation was far from ideal.

“Rich…” he could hear sobbing now…”It’s ok…”

“Just …just give me a minute to pull myself together….I am sorry,  I know you need me..”

“Rich, please….it’s ok…I want to listen…please…….”

There was silence for a while and Finn contemplated whether he should push, what he should do and then the words came out of his mouth without a second thought.

“I meant what I said when we were in Neonatal that night…..you’re my brother….please let me in.”

“I’m being selfish Finn….you don’t have to.”

“Fuck’s sake, you stubborn git come here.”

Finn somewhat awkwardly put his arms around Rich’s shoulders from behind. It didn’t really work but it had the intended effect of comfort. Rich turned himself around and looked at Finn, biting his cheek “James” was the only word that managed to pass his lips.

Finn pulled Rich in tightly to his chest as his friend clutched at his shirt and sobbed. He wondered how he’d missed this coming, how his friend’s need were clearly more as great, if not greater, than his own and he realised how self-absorbed he’d been. When Rich’s body had stopped heaving with tears, he’d made it over to the stereo and thrown it own. He’d been a little taken aback when Portishead’s eponymously named album had blared out. It was more depressing than he’d like but at least it wasn’t loud like Oasis, or worse still some of Chloe’s favourite boyband shite. He winced as he recalled his exchange with Rae that morning and somehow, with thanks to thank unnamed thing inside him, he put it out of his head.

He sat down.

“For one night only Rich, you can smoke in the house.”

Rich laughed “That is my line Nelson.”

“And?….”

“Thanks Finn…. I don’t know how you get it…you how you just get me.”

“As I said I think of you as my brother.”

“I fuckin’ wish we had been brothers.”

“We are now and that’s what matters. We can’t change the past but we have the chance to learn from it and change what we do now in the future.”

“You’ve become quite the philosopher Nelson.”

Finn laughed “Nah, I’ve just been thinking a lot and well….. you’ve helped me with me anger and you know…dealing with me feelings.”

“Boot’s on the other foot now though.”

“Nah, don’t be daft. Look do you wanna talk about it….him I mean?”

He looked at his friend, his face creased with concern, he hoped he could, in some way help. The death of a child he reasoned was a burden too heavy for any individual to bear let alone without support, without friendship or without expression.

Rich nodded and then tried to skin up but his shaking fingers would not allow it. So Finn unasked and unquestioningly took over and lit the spliff and passed it to his friend. The following day neither would be able to recall how long they had talked for or what was said. Finn had eventually crept upstairs and brought down the duvet and pillows, as he recollected his friends had done for him not so long ago. He switched the radio on and lay down to sleep on the floor next to his friend.

************************************************

Finn woke to find Rich sleeping behind him an arm casually looped over his shoulders. He smiled, they had both slept pretty well considering last night’s topic of conversation; there had been no nightmares and no waking up cold at 4am realising they were on the floor. He rolled onto his back and shoved Rich back onto his back, somewhat inadvertently waking him.

“Oi…I was nicely asleep there Nelson, what the fuck do’ you do that for?”

“Your boner was poking me in the  thigh” Finn said trying to keep a straight face.

“I was only trying to get you back for that time you mistook me for Rae and spooned me…I’m telling you, yours was poking me in the back for hours.”

“Fuck off.”

Rich thought about thanking Finn for the previous night but he innately knew that it would sound weird and false and he understood Finn neither needed nor expected it.

“I am a little stiff lying on the floor though.” Finn said

“Will you joking about your dick.” Rich griped, smirking.

“Piss of you knobhead…… I need a bath, can’t go to the hospital like this, I stink of weed.”

“Bags in first, I am older than you… and my back is killing me.”

“Race you for it.”

The two scrambled upstairs at speed pushing and shoving. Rich managed to get in the bathroom first and tried to close the door but Finn bulldozed his way in and jumped in the bath fully clothed before turning the taps on.

“Foul play Nelson”.

“Fuck me jeans are getting wet” said Finn leaping back out of the bath.

He started to strip down quickly, thinking he’d win the battle that way. But when he looked up Rich was down to his boxers as well.

“Suppose we could share….boxers on though.”

“Oh .. thought you would never ask.” Rich said sarcastically.  “Actually “ he said looking down Finn, “There is no way you should be moaning about me having morning wood..”

Finn looked down and realised he too had an obvious hard-on. He turned around momentarily embarrassed “Shit, sorry….it always happens when I sleep well.”

“It’s ok… really… you know full well it happens to me most of the time…. especially of I’ve been dreaming about Chlo.”

“Like that is it?”

Rich blushed. “No it’s more than ….you know the flat’s basically ready….I was thinking about doing something special for her….you know my view on marriage but …I don’t know…I was thinking of a party, a holiday for us and all our friends…..at the right time of course…. and telling everyone how much she means to me….how I am so committed..”

“You mean a wedding without the wedding?”

“God you have such an erudite way with words sometimes.” He smiled and nodded.

“Getting in?” said Finn

Rich smiled “Yeah….on one condition” Finn raised his eyebrow  “No wanking”.

They ended up having a massive water fight and covering the bathroom floor with water. Chloe arrived to find Rich and Finn running around the house soaking wet, clad only in boxers and throwing water at each other. She had to laugh because it was so ridiculous that two grown men could turn into 8 year old boys in each other’s presence.

Finn was little embarrassed when Chloe started to tell them off. She was going to give him a lift to the hospital. He went upstairs and got dressed. Chloe hugged Rich who pulled her in close for a kiss which ended up getting rather heated so that when Finn came downstairs, he wasn’t sure which way to look.

**************************************************

Rae wakes to an initial feeling of euphoria - she knows she’s a mother now and she knows she has an amazing partner who loves her. This feeling is quickly washed away by thoughts of the the feelings she’d had the previous afternoon when she’d declined to see Grace.

She feels the resentment she has for Finn bubble back up inside her and she loathes herself for it but she feels she is powerless to fight it.

Her heart sinks as the door opens and she sees him come through. His demeanour shows her that he bears no resentment towards her about yesterday, it was as if they had never had had that conversation and that confuses her. He should be mad, he should reproach her for what she said.

But instead he walks over and gives one of those amazing smiles, one that reaches his eyes and lights up his face and he kisses her on the cheek. She wonders why he chose the cheek and not her mouth when she hears his voice. “Morning girl. you sleep ok?”

She nods and stares into his eyes trying to read if there is anything else there, some hidden agenda, a deep seated mistrust perhaps. But all she can see is warm pools of brown and she knows she is helplessly in love him.

“I…erm ….well. Look who I’ve brought with me.”

He moves out of her eyeline and there she can see her best friend, Chloe and a tear rolls down her cheek as her friend shrieks and hugs her.

“Oh, my god Rae, how are you? We’ve been so worried, god I am so pleased you’re ok…oh my god Rae.”

She can feel her friend is crying tears of relief as she is wrapped in her hug and she can’t help but breakdown herself.

“Umm, I’ll just go and erm get some breakfast, I’ll be back later” and with that he’s gone again.

She wonders how he knows she needs to talk alone to her friend, that she needs time to process and understand without him here. And it hits her very hard, he really understands her like nobody else has before, and she doubts like no other ever will be able to do so.

“Chlo….how are you?”

“You know fine….How are you more importantly?”

“Ok really. I mean I am really tired, everything seems like much harder work than it should be but I’m over the infection, the ceasarian scar is healing well - physically I am definetely getting there.”

“But?” Chloe raised her eyes at her friend, knowing what was left unsaid had to be vocalised.

“Chloe , I …..er. I don’t want you to hate me or think less of me…”

“You know I wouldn’t Rae. You’re my best friend and that’s not going to change.”

Chloe grips her hand tightly and she knows she’s got to let this out now, allowing these feelings expression before they consume all the good in her.

“He …he bloody went and named our baby Rae. He knows all about her, he’s been there holding and cuddling her and being a part of her life….. I know that he loves her Chlo….he loves her with an intensity……and I….I don’t know….what if I can’t match that? What if she doesn’t know I’m her mum……what if I can’t love her?”

The room fills with the intense sound of the physical manifestation of her lamentations. She can’t help the tears that come, the wailing, the expression of all those lost days in her daughter’s life and it won’t stop, it just keeps pouring out of her. She thinks it’s never going to cease and this just reinforces the sorrow and strengthens the deluge.

Suddenly she realises it’s quiet and all she can hear is her friend’s soothing words and their breathing. She’s weary to the point of needing to lie back in the bed, she knows sleep would take her if she let it, but she fights its sinuous grip. She wants to speak, to help herself understand her feelings but she doesn’t know where to start.

“Rae?….Rae…Look, I’m no expert, you know how shit I am at these things……I think what you’re feeling is probably normal after everything that happened…..I mean you’re pregnant one minute living with your boyfriend and friends….and the next minute…..you.. you wake up in hospital and find out you’re a mum to a premature baby and you’ve missed a couple of weeks of your daughter’s life when she was really sick……..oh Rae, I thought…we all thought we’d lost you both…..I’ve never been so scared Rae…..”

Her friend is crying now, properly crying and she thinks about how she would have felt, if the same events had happened to Chloe and she feels sick to her stomach.

“It’s ok, I’m fine now Chlo…..I have felt better though…..and Grace… I understand she’s doing well?”

She sees Chloe look up at her and then realises how odd it must seem that she, the one who was supposed to love Grace the most, has not  even visited her daughter yet.

“Rae…she’s adorable, she’s a tiny bundle….she’s just amazing…..she’s got your hair you know….it was one of the first things Finn told me about…..”

She knows her friend has stopped because of the F-word and she is repulsed by the fact that her animosity towards him is that obvious and she wishes it didn’t exist.

“He named her Chlo….he’s had her all to himself all that time…..”

“Rae…you know I love you right? You know you’re amazing and clever and kind and funny….?”

Rae nods, she can see where Chloe is going with this before Chloe even knows herself.

“It wasn’t easy for Finn. He spent the first two days in hospital without going home, without even sleeping. He was sat either at your bedside or next to Grace’s incubator……I know you might not want to hear this Rae but …But I am telling you because you need to know…it might help you make sense of it.”

She could see her friend digging her nails into her palm and she instinctivley reaches out and holds her hand and hopes her friend will continue. She’s relieved when Chloe looks up at her and starts to speak once more.

“Grace was really ill Rae. Finn couldn’t touch her for days….. and there was one day…..one day where it looked like…it looked like….”

She sees her friend swallow and frown, tears forming at her eyes.

“It looked like he might lose you both……… he blacked out Rae…Gary told me…..none of us knew what to do….he wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping….Gary, Archie and Rich have kept him going……he’s been having terrible nightmares and we daren’t leave him alone at night……Rae….Finn’s …he’s..”

“He’s changed.” Rae interjects trying to hold her face still, to prevent another dissent into tears.

Her friend nods. “He had to Rae…..he had to find a way of keeping going for both of you. He found something in himself Rae…..I don’t know what it is…..but it’s stopped him from falling apart. You know after Grace got over that initial crisis, the doctors warned him that ……that he might be taking Grace home as……”

Chloe swallows again and bites her lip and Rae knows what’s coming….but it shocks her nonetheless.

“As a single parent…….do you have any idea how that might have felt Rae? And none of us could make it any easier because none of us are you…..and you’re all he needs and wants…”

“He’s got Grace now.” She loathes the way that sounds, but she fears it terribly.

“He needs you Rae…..he loves your daughter with everything in him…..but he loves you with everything in him too……you’ve got to share him Rae….that’s what having children is all about.”

She wonders how her friend, her party loving good-time girl of a friend has become so wise.

“But ….but he named her Chlo….he took that away from me…”

“Oh Rae” she feels her friend’s slim frame embrace her…. “Don’t you ever mention that I said anything…but I overheard him and Rich talking one night…..and he felt compelled to name her, because….because if anything were to happen to her….. he said if she hadn’t had a name….it would be like she’d never existed……and he knew that that would break him”.

The words hung in the air. Rae didn’t know what to say, how to respond, as she tries to process these scenes in her own mind. Her heart feels heavy and it aches for him and she begins to comprehend the events from Finn’s perspective.

“How…just how….I don’t understand…..it must have been…..” and she realises she can’t find the words to describe the infernal torment that he must have been in.. and she’s humbled and she sits in silence reflecting.

She’s still trying to find the words but the only one that comes out of her mouth is “Jesus.”

“I don’t think Finn’s quite Jesus Rae…I mean he’s been pretty incredible but he’s still a grumpy sod….you know I caught him and Rich running around the house half naked having a water fight.”

The spell broke and Rae was grateful for the relief and she feels the giggles rising in her chest lifting her as she begins to laugh.

“Half naked?” she raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah…boxers only…..they both claim they were fighting over who was going to have a bath first….very childish the pair of them..”

She’s sniggering now and visualising the pair running round the house. She remembers the number of times she and Chloe had found them sharing a bed, radio on, or talking wrapped up in their own little mutual appreciation society and she’s grateful Finn has such a good friend.

“I wonder about those two sometimes….I think it’s as if they’ve known each other all their lives….like they’re more than friends….brothers” she says.

“Brothers” Chloe echos nodding her head. Her face once again becomes animated and Rae wonders what excitement her friend is going to relay next.

“You are never going to guess who showed up at the hospital..” her friend claps her hand over her mouth and Rae knows she thinks she’s gone to far.

“Chloe” she says in that tone raising her eyebrows.

“I don’t think you’ll want to know…” she can see her friend appraising her face and then she continues “Alice.”

Rae’s heart sinks as she remembers all her fears about why Finn was with her when he could have someone like Alice.

“Finn was not impressed he had a real go at her. The best bit was that he said he would take out a restraining order if she came near him, his daughter or his WIFE ever again”.

Rae’s eyes blew wide open.

“Yeah he said wife….you should have seen her face.”

Rae’s trying to process this new piece of information, she doesn’t know if he said it deliberately or whether it was a slip of the tongue but it doesn’t matter and she feels a warm glow spread through her body.

“I need to see him Chlo…..I need to see Grace…..what the fuck have I been thinking?”

“Don’t you dare beat yourself up Mrs, this was never going to be easy.”

Rae shuts her eyes and allows herself to bathe in the warm feeling, she knows she needs it right now and she feels it is somehow healing her from within.

She sees him walk through the door, it’s not his cocky confident walk, the one he had when they first met, it’s a more reserved, measured walk. She notices his nervousness as he comes and sits on the bed and holds her hand.

“Was it good? Seeing Chloe again.”

She nods and bites her lip to stop the tears that are threatening to fall.

“Finn…Finn….will you take me …..I need to see her.”

A huge grin lights up his face which bears witness to just how much he wants and need this.

“Can you just tell me a bit more about the ward before we go?”

She hears as he launches into a explanation of the lay-out of the ward, the nursing systems and their daughter’s progress. He pulls a picture out of his pocket and shows her the drip, the nasal tubes and explains that their daughter had been under a UV lamp for jaundice when it was taken. She marvels at how much he had learnt, understood and how he know what’s normal and what was worth worrying about.

**************************

Before long she finds herself being wheeled in a chair down to the neonatal unit. She notes the buzzer and camera at the door as they wait to be let in.

She’s greeted by so many people, nurses and doctors and staff all pleased to meet her “at long last” and she tries to smile but she knows it’s all going to take time to get used to. She can feel that knot tightening in her stomach as he points out the intensive care bay and she’s ashamed that she’s relieved she never had to go in there. She can hear the alarms and beeping and binging and she finds it utterly overwhelming.

But nothing prepares her for the moment when Finn brings the chair to a halt next to her daughter’s cot, she looks in and it feels as if her heart is going to stop. She’s utterly paralysed as he confidently handles their daughter, breaking her out of her swaddle and kisses Grace on the head before gently laying her in her arms.

She looks down and see the tiny girl’s delicate little features, her nose, her mouth. Her eyes are shut but she looks at the tiny hands and the single foot poking out of the babygro with a drip attached and she winces. Suddenly she’s aware of something being wrapped over her daughter and she realises its the shawl her grandmother had knitted for her when she was a baby. She recognises that this moment could not have been more perfect if she’d planned it.

She’s aware he’s sat down quietly next to her and she’s grateful for both his silence and his stillness. As she gazes at her daughter, she is completely engulfed by this incredible feeling that is rooted so deep in her she knows its part of her very being,it’s so much more than she ever imagined it could be. She knows it has a name but those four letters cannot seem to express the sheer profoundity of her feeling.

She realises she’s lost track of time as he picks their daughter up, once more dropping a kiss on her head and placing her gently back in the cot. She watches with amazement as he competently re-swaddles her and places her under the knitted blanket. She has no idea whether minutes or hours have passed and he comes to sit next to her and drops a kiss on her head and she smiles at him and takes his hand.

Their gaze is only broken when a nurse comes in to tube feed their daughter with milk. It then hits her….and she has to ask.

“What is that milk? Is it formula?”

“No, it’s donated milk.”

She feels the rage, the frustration and hurt all build within her because she wants it to be feeding her baby. Her daughter should not be receiving milk from some random stranger.

“Why not formula?”

“I’m sorry Rae, they asked me….I thought I was doing the right thing…..I didn’t know what to do and …..I’m sorry that I fucked up…”

She hears the obvious crack in his voice and is surprised as he quickly leaves the room and she doesn’t know what to make of it. Suddenly she’s aware of another figure sitting next to her.

“Rae isn’t it?”

She looks and nods at the nurse.

“If you don’t want to her to have donated milk, we can change it to formula. I think he chose the donated milk because ….well it’s easier for their tummies to digest than formula and ….”

“But I wanted to feed her myself and …..it’s bad enough I’ve missed out on the first two weeks of her life but my stupid body has robbed me of this too….”

She’s crying silently now and feels the nurse grasp her hand.

“You might still be able to feed her…you know even if you’re fit and well and you have a premature baby….the body’s not ready to make milk…..the mum normally express for a while and then then milk comes eventually.”

“But it’s been more than two weeks.”

The nurse nods “I think it may still be possible, there are tablets we’ve used with other mums in the past. I’ll get one of the specialist midwives to talk to you…..it’s got to be worth a go right?”

She gives a small smile to the nurse “Sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for love. It must be terribly difficult for you. It doesn’t happen that often but I’ve seen mums like you before who’ve been too ill to see their babies for weeks even.”

Subconsiously she widens her eyes. “Oh…and did they…..did they….did they manage to bond with their babies.”

She sees the nurse smile, it’s a gentle reassuring smile and she feels her heart settle a little.

“Yes….sometimes it takes a bit of time but yes…..You know you should really try kangaroo care…it’s brilliant for getting your milk going too.”

She frowns, this all sounds like a foreign language to her, one she understands nothing of.

“You should ask Grace’s dad. He’s really become a bit of a “poster boy” for it round here.”

She crinkles her forehead and wonders what the hell that was supposed to mean. She wants to talk to him and realises he’d walked out because of what she’d said. She regrets it now, she hates the fact she’s hurt him again.

“Finn?”

The nurse leaves and she can hear voices in low tones at the nurses’ station. She comes back into the room.

“I’m sure he’ll be back soon love. If not I’ll take you back upstairs.”

She nods and swallows.

“Erm…could you tell me everything that’s been going on with Grace, I need to know..right from the start…please?”

“I can try love but how about I go and fetch the sister. She was the one looking after Grace when she was first born and I think she’d be best.”

Rae detects a note of uncertainty in the nurse’s voice a slight hesitation, she’s not sure why or what it relates to.

The sister comes in and sits down and smiles at Rae.

“So you are Grace’s mummy. I am so pleased to meet you at last. Grace’s dad has talked so much about you.”

She blinks - this was unexpected.

“Right…. are you sure you want to know all of this. A lot of things were difficult at the time but she’s battled through them and moved on and I don’t want to burden you with things are are no longer important.”

“I need to know.”

“Ok, let’s go into a quiet room then and have a cup of tea.”

**********************************************

Rae sat in that room listening to what had happened to Grace, how she’d been starved of oxygen at birth, ressussitated on multiple occasions. How she’d been ventilated, given surfactant. How her inability to breathe unaided and infections had been the initial issues and both potentially fatal to a premature baby.

Then there had been concern about bowels, feeds, jaundice, infection. The list seemed endless to Rae and she wondered how on earth Finn had borne the load alone.

She feels a rush of compassion towards Finn and she understands his bruised eyes with their dark shadows, the stubble on his cheeks, the scruffy dishevelled appearance and his slightly diminished frame. She knows she will never fully comprehend the purgatory which he had endured. Then she hears something that stops her thought process dead.

“Sorry can you repeat that?”

She can read apprehension in the sister’s face.

“Grace is going to need another brain scan later this week. We do them to check whether there has been any bleeding on the brain. Sometimes it happens to premature babies with no known cause but hypoxia - lack of oxygen to the brain can be a cause.”

“You said another”.

“Yes, she’s had a few scans already. She did have a bleed probably associated with her birth but we don’t know what it means yet. We’ve been monitoring it. We need to get a better picture to see if it is stabilising or what’s happening.”

“What does it mean - I mean what if ….”

“Well it can mean long term developmental problems, delays all sorts of things really. But that doesn’t mean that they will definately happen, they’re just possibilities. We just don’t know yet what it means for Grace…..though…..if you asked my honest opinion…I would probably expect… there to be some consequences but I would be guessing if you asked me about the severity. That’s why we have a consultant, who’s an expert in scanning, coming up from London tomorrow. She’s going to look at the number of babies.”

“From London?” she swallows and she’s aware of the sound of her own breathing and the speed of her heart.

“How much does Finn know about this? It’s just he’s not mentioned it…”

“I remember we told him at the start that we’d done the scan” she could see the sister pausing to think to scan her memory. “But I don’t think we’ve said much more to be honest. It wouldn’t surprise me if he hasn’t taken it in. In those early days, Grace was fighting for her life and he wouldn’t be the first or last parent to blank out or forget these things.”

She turns this over in her mind. She’s filled with a protective instinct, not just for Grace but for Finn. She can’t get that image of his face out of her mind - the haunted one from yesterday when she had said she didn’t want to see Grace. She ponders just how much more he could take right now and she wants to undo some of her hurt and at the same time, shoulder some of the burden for him.

“I… I don’t know if it’s possible but I’m worried about Finn” she bites her lip as she knows this mustn’t come out the wrong way.

“Could you….I would like to know first….about the scan results….if it’s bad news…well I’d rather be the one to tell him. I want to be there for him too.”

The sister is clearly considering her request and then she nods. “On one condition. You must tell him… he has a right to know and not days later either.” Her voice softens “I think he probably needs some looking after too. It’s been pretty tough for him….though his brother did seem to be able to calm him.”

Rae smiled..”His brother? He wouldn’t be a tall dark haired, unshaven man, would he?” she raises her eyebrows in question, half a smirk on her lips.

She sees the sister raise her eyebrows in response and nod. She understands that the sister knows and she smiles.

*******************************************

Finn’s been sat outside the hospital for half an hour biting his cuticles. He despertaely wants to light up but knew he wouldn’t because he hasn’t said goodnight to Grace yet.

Shit, he should be up there with Rae. What the fuck would she think of him having walked out on her from the ward? He should have anticipated these things and told her and explained rather than it being a surprise.  He wonders how many more times he’s going to fuck up. He knew it was going to be hard for Rae and he realises he had underestimated the whole thing from her perspective.

He thinks back to the unnamed thing inside him, that which had, and would continue, to give him strength to persist in life when he needed it most. He prays that Rae would find her own, that it would come surging to the surface like it had done for him when he needed it most.

He makes his way back up to the ward in the knowledge that his walking out was another example of him having got it wrong and he sighs and walks into the ward with a heavy heart not even sure that she’d still be there.

**************************************

She’s really worried that Finn hasn’t come back and is about to ask the nurse to take her back to her ward when he walks through the door; head hung low hands in his pockets, frown etched deeply onto his face.

Despite the fact that she’s only been out of bed very briefly before now, she stands and tries to walk towards him. She ends up collapsing in his arms and she can feel all his sinews and muslces through his shirt as he helps her back into the chair.

And then she sees it. That cheeky grin that she’s missed so much.

“If ya wanted a cuddle girl, all ya had to do was ask. Ya didn’t need to try and waltz me round the room.”

She tries and fails to surpress a giggle when she sees his smirk.

“Fuck off Nelson.”

He’s really smiling now.

“No need to pull those puppy dog eyes at me Nelson. You know your name choice was top drawer….but you might as well look smug as I think you probably made the right choice with the milk too…it’s what I would have done.”

She can see the pain back in his eyes now.

“It’s ok Finn, really ya great div. Nurse reckons I might be able to get my own milk going…it’s got be worth a try right? Got to do some expressing…..Actually…I’ll be fucking disappointed if I have been saddled with this crippling large boobs my whole life and then they turn out to be no good at their intended purpose.” she said grabbing her breasts.

She can see him laugh but there’s something else back in his eyes…a hint of it at least and she feels a tiny bit relieved.

**********************************************

Finn walks in to her side room the next day at exactly the wrong or the right moment depending on the way you looked at it. She can’t believe the look on his face, half horror, part fascination and part shock. Well he did walk in without knocking.

“What the…” he can’t even finish his sentence his mouth is hanging open.

“It’s a double breast milk pump Finn. Takes half the time of doing one side at time” she says with a wink.

“Jesus……doesn’t it hurt?”

“Nah not really, feels a bit odd though. I need to do it every 4 hours and ….it’s probably going to be days before anything comes out ….well if it ever does.”

She’s frowning and she feels his hand on her arm and his weight on the bed as he’s jumped up next to her.

“I am so proud of you for tryin’ girl. You really don’t have ta though…your body’s been through enough.”

“Finn I want to.”

“Ok then…. you sure it doesn’t hurt?……I mean it looks like it’s pulling your….your nipples pretty hard.”

She gives him a look and then wonders… would things have changed now she’s a mother to his child.

”Yeah well as I rememeber, you always pulled them pretty hard so I suppose I’m used to it.”

Something flashes across his face and she can’t read it and it worries her.

“So you er… going to try kangeroo care today?”

She nods she’s read the leaflet but she asks anyway “What’s it all about Finn, can you tell me before we go down there?”

“Well it’s amazin’ really amazin’ Rae. We’ll get Grace undressed and leave her just in her nappy and hat and then you put her down the front of your shirt so her skin’s next to yours. She finds it really calmin’ ….when she was on cpap they were always able to turn the pressure down after a session.”

“What’s the cpap thing again?”

He explains his face a little on the serious side but he explains everything with a small smile a twitch of the eyebrow here and there as he’s thinking. Once again she knows it.

“I really love you Finn.”

She can see her statement has taken him by surprise and she can see he wants to get closer to her but the bloody pump’s in the way.

“Good thing then Earl ‘cos I fuckin’ love ya back.”

She see his smirk and she wonders again.

********************************************

She’s feeling pretty shattered by now, but she’s back on neonatal unit with Finn and he’s rabbiting on about kangaroo care. Except she now feels so self conscious, there are other people around and she’s afraid. He asks again and she shakes her head even though she really wants to nerves are getting the better of her. Then she has an idea.

“Tell you what Finn, I’ll do it if you do it first and show me how it’s done.”

He smiles and he throws her her shawl. She watches as he somehow manoevres their daughter deftly out of her sleepsuit noting there are poppers on the legs. He finds the vest harder and it takes him a little time to get it past the drip. He kisses Grace’s head and places her back in the cot.

She takes a deep breath in as he unbuttons his shirt, completely un-selfconsiously, unashamed and then picks their daughter up, she’s only wearing a nappy, one bootee and a hat now. He motions to a nurse to help him and she understands why when the nurse picks Grace up - she is attached by a long drip attached in her left foot to a machine on the wheels. She know this is what provides her food as well as the milk. The more milk Grace can tolerate the less of the stuff in the drip.

She watches as the nurse hands Grace to Finn and he opens his shirt and settles her on his chest. She has to stifle a small gasp as she sees his chest again. Bloody hell… and she wonders if that’s one of the reasons they’re here now and she smiles because she knows she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Rae…Rae…” she looks over.

“Pass us the shawl will ya…don’t want her getting cold.”

She looks at her boyfriend and understands what the nurse had meant the previous day about poster boy. She’s finding it hard to not stare at him. Fuck he was devastatingly handsome and there was something heart-breaking about the way he cradled his tiny daughter on his chest, occasionally dropping a small kiss on her head.

“Right ….about time you give this a go …yeah?” he says raising his eyebrows.

“I…I dunno…I want to…it’s just…” and she struggles to find the words.

“Thought you might say that….it’s a bit daunting right to start with….” he kicks a bag at his foot.

“Thought you might like this.”

She gets the hint and opens the bag. She smiles broadly as she pulls out a very soft shawl in a delightful shade of blue and its covered in grey guitars and tiny notes. Then the label catches her eye.

“Oh Finn…..wow…I love it….It’s cashmere must have cost you a fortune.”

She sees him shrug. “Thought you might like it. Might be useful for when ya feeding her too.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“Ya’ve got to think positive.”

She smiles at him and nods at him. She unbuttons her shirt and he stands up carefully and she moves into his chair. He gently places Grace on her chest, it’s a little different for her with the curve of her breasts but she finds a way. He wraps them in the shawl in and kisses her on the cheek before sitting down.

She feels the most incredible feeling surging through her veins, its not just a warmth, it’s an awe and it’s so all encompassing that she can’t find the words for it. It takes her a while to realise that Finn’s thumb is on her cheek to smooth her tears away.

“It feels amazin’ doesn’t it?”

She can’t even speak, she just nods and smiles at her daughter. She can feel every breath she takes against her skin. Suddenly Grace hiccups and she’s taken back to that day at Gary’s and she finally finds her voice.

“Do you remember…” is all that comes out before she chokes with the emotion.

Finn’s hand is on her shoulder now, his lips on her hair, gazing down at their daughter.

“Yeah that day at dad’s…..”

It was all over so quickly. She let Finn take her back to the ward and then she remembers the scan and she wonders if she’s doing the right thing.

“Finn, I should be able to come home tomorrow or the next day. Can you collect my stuff from Chloe’s? There’s also some stuff I need from mums.”

She falls silent as she realises she’s no idea where home is and bites her lip hard trying to hide this from him.

“Rae…” she can hear nerves in her voice and braces herself for what is coming next.

“Would you mind if we went back to dad’s for a bit? It’s just that Chlo and Rich haven’t moved into their flat yet and…well….”

She senses something is troubling him and he sighs and tenses up yet again.

“I haven’t really sorted our room out yet…I mean I’ve got a new mattress and stuff but….”

She can see him swallow hard and she grabs his hand. “Actually Finn, I’d really like that. It’d be nice to go back one day but….I’m not sure…..not until she’s home with us.”

He nods and she can see the relief in her face. “Great …..dad’s going to love having you round again.”

*************************

She’s back on the neonatal unit having begged one of the nurses on her ward to wheel her down. She can just about walk to bathroom and back now but she knew there was no point in even trying to go any further.

One of the neonatal nurses wheels her into the sideroom and she’s met by a team of doctors. One she recognises as the consultant in charge of her daughter’s care and the other lady with her amazing stilettos introduces herself as the doctor from London. She knows it’s not going to be good news and she steels herself for the worst. But instead she finds that they are in a no-man’s land.

It’s confirmed that Grace has had a second bleed on the brain something called an IVH but it’s a pretty small one. But they don’t know whether let alone how it might effect her. She asks for the worst case, she’s always been that type of person….if you prepare yourself for the worse, then even if something bad happens then it doesn’t seem quite so bad. Well that’s what she tells herself in any case.

She hears the words about neurological conditions, seizures and possible mild cerebal palsy and she’s feels the bile rising in her throat, her heart once again beating hard against her chest. She’s worried she might have a full blown panic attack but then she visualises holding Grace and Finn’s hand on her shoulder and her breathing at first steadies, then slows.

She thanks the doctors and asks to be taken through to see her daughter. The nurse asks if she’d like to hold her but she shakes her head. That would be too much right now. Her chair is wheeled close enough to the cot that with a stretch she can reach in and touch Grace’s head. She kisses her fingers and places them on Grace’s cheek.

She wonders how she’s going to tell Finn but she knows she’ll find the words because she has too. She’s terrified it’s going to break his heart.

***********************************************

Finn once again walks in without knocking, if this morning wasn’t bad enough, he’s walked in post expressing and she’s got her back to the door and is massaging her breasts and nipples. They feel a little sore and she’s been given some “magic” cream in purple sachets by a midwife that she’s rubbing in.

“Rae?” she keeps her back turned to him and starts to giggle at the absurdity of the situation. She’s no idea why she’s hiding from him. She jumps as he places a hand on her shoulder and kisses her neck and she hears a funny sound come out of his mouth.

“oh” …

She giggles as the pitch is all wrong and she realises he couldn’t have known what she was doing  from the back as she simply unbuttoned her shirt. She knows he’s surprised.

“I…I’m sorry Rae…I didn’t know…”

“Fuck’s sake Finn… how many times have you seen the girls?”

“Ummmm” again the tone is all pitchy.

“You’re going to have to cope with it a bit better if I manage to get my milk going….you’re going to be seeing a lot of them…”

She laughs as he clears his his throat. She thinks about telling him about Grace tonight but she decides it would be better when she’s home, when she can hold him properly because she knows he’s going to need it.

She feels the knot in her stomach loosen and despite the day’s news she knows she’s going to sleep well.

****************************************

She wakes the following morning and is somewhat taken aback by a deep unsettled feeling. She rationalises that it’s because she has been in hospital too long and then she panics that something might be amiss with Grace and she presses the buzzer. When the nurse arrives she demands the nurse to call the Neonatal unit to check on Grace.

She’s relieved Grace is doing well and is on hourly feeds whatever that means. She expresses again, no scratch that, attempts to express and is disheartened that no milk has been forthcoming. Logically she knows it will be days yet but for some reason she’s upset and she knows she wants him, needs him even.

When he arrives she virtually throws herself at him and she can tell he’s taken aback. Instead of responding as she expects, he pulls her close and kisses her hair and then she dissolves into a torrent of tears. He’s pulled her head tight against his chest now and he’s whispering soothingly into her hair, cursing himself for not having spotted it sooner. As the deluge subsides, she tries to whisper but all that comes out is a croaky shadow of her voice.

“Sometimes, I don’t understand why you understand me so well.” She realises what she’s said probably doesn’t make sense.

“I love you and Grace with every last breath in me. ”

And she’s paralysed as the weight and true meaning of his words. She’s utterly humbled by his confession. While she continues to cling to him, he reaches into his bag and pulls some headphones out.

She does a double take when she realises what they’re attached to and she finds her voice.

“Moved to the dark side?”

He raises and eyebrow and passes he one of the headphones, placing the other in her ear.

“Bet you’ve missed this girl.”

She listens as “I wanna be adored” starts. She can’t wait any longer.

“Where did the MP3 come from….I mean I didn’t think it was your style?”

“Oh…Pete and James gave it to me…… they thought it might help keep me calm you know when I was spending hours in here holding your hand or sat by Grace…….it’s also useful to have the headphones on even without the music as no-one approaches you.”

She thinks about the last statement and realises he has his own struggles.

“What day is it Finn?”

“Saturday girl……another Saturday…”

“Shouldn’t be at No Crap FM tonight?”

“Nah it’s ok Steve will cover it.”

“I think you should go Finn. They told me I still can’t go home until tomorrow. “ She pauses “I think it would be good for you.”

“But…it seems wrong with you and Grace….”

“Play a show for us Finn.” Then she pauses, something is floating in her mind coming to the surface and she frowns trying to divine what it is. She shakes her head and dismisses the idea as ridiculous, she was sedated after all and not exactly conssious.

He looks at her, furrowed brow. “What is it girl?”

“Nothing Finn…..just a silly thought…you know hormones and all probably.”

“Come on, you can tell me girl…..ya know you can tell me anything don’t ya?”

She swallows and considers it.

“It’s daft Finn, really daft but I am sure I imagined it but I could swear you played a show for me on No Crap FM …….when I was in intenstive care….”

She sees the sparkle in his eye. “What did I play for ya on this show girl?”

He raises an eyebrow in that way and she can’t resist.

“Erm….Elvis Presley……Sally-Cinnamon…. I think Champagne Supernova was in there too……and I could have sworn you played “2 become 1”….and you called me Mrs Nelson.”

A deep blush has spread over his skin and she recalls him having told her a couple of days ago that he’d played the Spice Girls live on air. She starts to giggle.

“You daft bugger Nelson…”

He’s giggling now and pulls her into his arms and they lay back on the bed.

“Better reddress the balance then girl” and he puts Sabotage on.

They lie there for sometime listening to a random selection of tracks, he skips over the odd one. As Vapour Trail comes on she remembers how she’d played this for him in her show,the one she’d planned especially for him, her declaration of love.

She leans into him and kisses him full on the lips. He reciprocates and his hand finds her hair. She’s the one to put her tongue in his mouth and again he mirrors her move. She runs a hand up his chest and suddenly as if someone pressed a switch, he pulls back as if burnt.

She doesn’t understand. Does he not want her anymore? Does he not find her attractive? Is it the hospital setting? Is it because he sees her as the mother to his child and no more?

She can’t stop the thoughts pervading her mind, infusing her being and her whole body stiffens and she turns away from him. She needs to compose herself, try to make sense of this new dynamic. She’s trembling now, not sure she can take this on board, it’s all too much.

He’s jumped off the bed now and she can hear his footsteps as he walks around the bed. her breathing is starting to get ragged and its taking everything she has to stop this developing into a full blown panic attack. She shuts her eyes and starts to count.

She feels his breath on her face, his hand on her shoulders and she opens her eyes to see his; liquid pools of concern looking up at her. He’s crouched by the side of the bed. His hand moves to her shoulder.

“Rae?” he says worry etched deeply in his face.

She tries to stop herself from saying anything, she doesn’t want to betray her selfishness but the pull is too deep and tears form.

“What have I done Rae?” He bites his lip hard waiting for a response, expression unchanged.

“R…R…Rae.”

She feels his pain in the tightness of her chest and she knows he deserves an answer so she decides to lay her self bare and defenceless.

“You……you don’t want me anymore…..”

“I…..Rae….I..I love you Rae….I am completely totally and utterly yours.”

“But….I…I didn’t mean it like that.”

She sees his expression change as he realises what she’s actually trying to say.

“Oh….right…..well.” he’s worrying his bottom lip again as he’s searching for the words.

“We’re in a hospital room Rae…..it….well …it doesn’t… urm feel right…. and….and you’ve had surgery and you know you’re not meant to do anything ……..anything strenuous for at least 6 weeks….and….”

She can feel there’s something left unsaid there and it terrifies her, she turns away from him again; throwing his hand off her shoulder.

Her voice comes out as thin low sound, quite controlled considering what she’s saying.

“It’s my body isn’t it? It repulses you now….now she’s no longer in my belly….and now my skin is stretched and scarred…”

She’s said the words now and instead of spinning her into a flat panic, she goes numb.

“Oh Jesus no girl…..no…no”

She can hear anger in his voice.

“You’ve got ta believe me girl that’s about as far from the truth as is possible.”

“Then why, Finn, why did ya pull off me like you were ……disgusted” She spits the words out.

He stands up and she can hear him pace the room.

“Because…..because……”

She thinks there’s going to be no reply but he starts to speak in a quiet contained voice;

“Firstly we’re in a hospital room, do you have any idea how much I hate these places? All the memories they have for me? Think about it Rae………”

She’s about to speak when she realises there’s more.

“And….And I…..I’m scared Rae. If I had, I mean if we hadn’t…..shit it’s my fault you nearly died Rae, my fault…..”

“Oh…Oh Finn”.

She sits up and stands and walks a couple of steps over to him and grasps his hand. She shakes her head.

“No Finn….no… You really mustn’t….”

She’s feeling quite funny now and she’s grateful when he guides her back to the bed and lifts her onto it. He sits next to her and she pulls him close.

“Finn you must never……”

“Well Rae you must never…..”

They’re both crying a little now. Clinging onto each other. It’s Finn that breaks the silence first.

“Rae I don’t want ya to think…..I still would…will I mean…..just not now….if ya must know…..I had to sort meself out this morning after having seen you doing things to your boobs yesterday…”

“Sort yourself out? ….oh…..oh” It dawns on her what he means.

“Yes Rae…you know what I mean. And when your body’s ready…I want to show you just how much I want you…but not until then.”

She grasps his hand, relieved that they’ve managed to talk through this one.

***********************************

The day she left hospital was pretty hard because it means she has to leave Grace behind for the first time. She reasoned all the time she was in intensive care they were at least in the same place. She’d enjoyed Finn’s show at No Crap FM the night before. He had played a great mix of their favourite tracks and included a number of subtle words for her and Grace. She wished she was there though, in the studio with him.

He picked her up and wheeled her down to the hospital’s main entrance and fetched a car. An unknown small red car that she’d not seen before. She wondered who it belonged to as it was full of cds and she saw how he was smiling looking very proud of himself. It had felt very grown up when he’d told her it was theirs, he’d bought it with the money he earned in Ibiza.

They went into Gary’s house and had eaten supper with Garyn and her family. The food had tasted amazing after hospital food. She kept catching Finn sneaking glances at her. Her mother and Gary had rabbited on and on about how good it was to have her home. But she felt uncomfortable celebrating when Grace was still in the neonatal unit.

In the end her mother had helped her upstairs and had talked to her. She’d explained that she had been through a similar experience when Jasmine had been in the special care baby unit for a couple of weeks before she could come home. Rae remembered how her mother had coped and had survived the experience and was grateful for the support.

Jasmine had come up and told Rae that she thought Grace could be called “Grey” for short as it was such a cool nickname. Rae laughed at her sister - she just got Rae. Karim had carried her cases upstairs and they’d laughed and joked for a while before Linda and Karim had to take Jasmine home as she had school the next day.

Rae had set to work expressing her non-existent milk and she noticed how Finn didn’t come up until the sound of the pump finished. When he came up he fussed around her, finding her pyjamas, getting a glass of water and helping her to the bathroom even though she could manage it herself.

He helped her into bed and went into the bathroom. Rae noticed he didn’t take long in there and came out wearing his boxers and a t-shirt. He went over to his old stereo, one he told her he’d had since his teens and put a cd on. He got into bed next to her and pulled her tightly into him.

He sighed and she could feel a slight tremor in his body.

“Finn?” She places her hand on his cheek and feels his stubble. She’s looking into his eyes now wondering what’s got at him.

He blinks and bites his lip. “Just missed you girl….big time” and he grasps her in so tightly that she feels she might not be able to breathe if he squeezes her any tighter.

The tremor develops into great wracking sobs that fill his body and she instinctively knows that he needs to let his pent up emotions out. She soothes him and strokes his back gently with her hand…”Shhhh Finn, hey it’s alright….it’s ok…..I’m here”

She drops kiss after kiss on his head which is buried in her chest. Eventually he moves back and looks at her. He cups her cheek ever so gently with his hand and their eyes meet. He brings his face to hers such that their noses touch, never breaking eye contact. And then his lips are on hers - a soft chaste kiss to start with ….and then he’s catching her bottom lip between his. He peppers her lips with a succession of soft sensual kisses.

She moans as his tongue moves along her lips and finds its way into her mouth. Her tongue responds as if of its own accord and finds its way into her mouth. His hand runs up her side lingering briefly on the side of her breast before finding its way back to her cheek and she pushes herself against him and she hears the noise he makes and then she can feel just how much he wants her.

She’s not surprised when he pulls back this time but what he says is a turnabout.

“Can I…..can I…..I mean would you let me undress ya? “

She nods but has no idea where this is going. He’s remarkably gentle undressing her and then he places soft kisses right up each leg until he reaches her lower stomach. He studies the scar from the cesarain in detail and places one feather light kiss at each end and traces its length with the lightest of touches.

“It’s healed really well so far girl.”

“It’s so freakin’ ugly….”

“Nah you can never say that girl, it’s where our beautiful Grace came out of….don’t see it as a scar….somethin’ bad…..see it as a reminder of somethin’ good…..a reminder that your body did something amazin’…..it gave us both Grace.”

She can’t believe he’s just said that. She likes it a lot.

“You know girl, you and Grace are the absolute best things that have ever happened to me. I don’t regret our first time you know…. at No Crap FM…not for one minute…..I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Thats lovely Finn but wouldn’t you rather it happened a few months or years later on or something…”

He shrugs “Nah….it did take me a bit by surprise but why not? Why do we have to follow what everyone else expects us to do? Just because it’s the expected normal thing in society to be in a heterosexual relationship for a couple of years, then get engaged, then get married and have a baby….doesn’t mean its wrong or stupid or naive to do things in a different order, or miss bits out or just do what the hell works for you…… Personally I couldn’t be happier…..actually I will be happier when Grace comes home.” His voice had dipped to a whisper by the end.

“God I love you Finn Nelson….you know you’re amazing.”

“Why thank you Miss Earl….now…can I kiss you again?” He’s biting his lip now and she knows it’s intentionally provocative.

She nods and feels her breath hitch in her throat as his tongue runs length of her lips. He nibbles and bites at her lips, she’s desperately trying to kiss him back but he resists. His hands ghost up her sides and find her breasts and nipples and then he stops.

“Finn…please…I want you to….it’s not as if there’s any milk……please”

He ponders this and decides now is not the time to talk about it and she does as she asks but ever so gently and she presses her lips against his neck and kisses it and moves down his collarbone and onto his chest….that chest.

She allows her hand to caress his chest and she traces the contours repeatedly, refamiliarising herself with his body. She runs a hand down his arm all the way to his fingers and back up. Her hand finds his chest again and his stomach but it doesn’t stop there. She feels his whole body tense and his breath catch sharply in his throat as she palms him.

“Rae……you don’t have to …touch me I mean…”

“You’ve got one hell of a boner….”

“You’ve been really ill….I’m not sure…”

“Fuck off…..I just want to try and get some normal back Finn……I need you…..”

He sighs and bites his cheek…… “Ok you can touch me…..but no full sex right? I mean it.”

She nods relieved that they can enjoy each other again. She’s slightly taken aback when he’s the one to initiate the kissing, it’s a mixture of passion and love and utterly breathtaking. He doesn’t stop kissing her even when he pulls her on top of him.

They kiss for what seems like hours and eventually she rolls onto her side and places his fingers between her legs before taking him in her hand. He starts to kiss her again and it continues throughout her release until he finally can’t help but cry out with his.

He leans over for a tissue and once done she’s in his arms again where he needs her. They look at each other and share a few more kisses before he runs his hand over her face. She shuts her eyes and allows sleep to take her. He thinks he can watch her sleep for hours but he slips into a deep sleep shortly after her.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m done. It’s exhausting. I’m not sure about the quality of this … there is a moment when I hit philosophy as opposed to fiction but so be it.  
> I am hoping to find the energy for a Christmas special of this fic because I feel there’s a lot more that could be said. I think it would lend itself well to little snapshot in the future fics...

Finn and Rae were woken from their slumber by Gary knocking rather officiously on the door of Finn’s attic room, a battered tray heralding two steaming mugs of tea in his hands.

“I am already bloody late for work but I couldn’t go without checking…without making sure that you’re both ok?”

Finn grunted drowsily and glanced at his watch. It took him a few seconds to focus on the foggy display but he could just about make it out that it was already 9:30 am. He couldn’t help but smile at the fact that their bodies were still entangled in roughly the same positions that they had assumed when they’d got into bed. He was still revelling in this jubilant revelation when he realised he had yet to answer his father.

His croaky morning voice squeaked out: “Oh right da.”

“I’ve brought you a tray of tea.”

Ah one of life’s little mercies - tea: he thought.

“You’d better come in then.”

Finn realised his mistake as soon as Gary pushed the door open with his foot; as neither he nor Rae were in any way dressed and he feared for her reaction.Their saving grace was that they were completely engulfed by the duvet and the thick tartan rug lying on top. Rae’s eyelids started fluttering and Finn made a small movement of his head towards his father who intuitively understood the delicate situation and smiled briefly at his son and promptly left the pair in peace.

Rae finally fully opened her eyes to let the morning light in and was greeted by the wonderful sight of Finn’s beautiful face smiling down at her.

He couldn’t but help but cup her cheek tenderly with his hand and place his lips on hers.

With his lips pressed to hers, she basked in the knowledge that he loved her and waking up to him would give her these snactched blissful moments from now on in her life. Her mind wandered back to the previous night and she stretched her fingers towards him, to touch his skin and make sure he was real.

“God… I’ve missed waking up next to ya girl”.

The words he spoke seemed so banal, so brief and so inadequate as to express what this small pleasure truly meant to him; how he had longed for this moment; how restless and troubled he had been without her by his side.

“Finn I…I love you.”

“I really love ya too girl.”

He wondered what brought her tentative words on; hesitation and uncertainty had been clear in her voice and all he wanted was to reassure her.

“We need to talk Finn…..there’s something ….something I need to tell you.”

Rae was positively afraid; she could feel a pit of fear churn in her stomach, which that evil serpent drew even tighter as she acknowledged his existence. She knew it wouldn’t be the best timing, that was, if such a thing as a better time even existed, but she knew she couldn’t leave those words unsaid to burn and torment inside her any longer. She had planned on explaining it all to him the previous evening until their need for each other had become undeniable and all encompassing.

“Let’s just have a cup of tea first. Tea makes everything alright.” He said, a note of trepidation evident in the slightly shaky tone of his gruff voice.

Finn felt anxiety slowly extinguish his happiness as it permeated every pore of his being. His only defence was to try and delay any serious conversation that he perceived Rae to be suggesting.  Right now he couldn’t stomach the thought of anything breaking their significantly hungered for peace and reunion. It would just be too much.

All the same, he had to acknowledge that alone the words she had spoken had provoked fear within his heart, but her tone had betrayed her dissonance and despair. This distressed him on a far more fundamental level.

After they’d drunk the tea, Finn left Rae to express and he quickly disappeared downstairs on the pretence of cooking them both breakfast. He knew he was simply delaying the inevitable pain that was to come, nonetheless he busied himself with the distracting ritual of food preparation.

Rae dressed and somehow managed to negotiate the stairs by herself which engendered a firm telling off from Finn for doing too much too soon. She desperately wanted to talk to him, but as he served a cooked breakfast, which he had gone to the trouble to prepare for her benefit, she felt compelled to eat it and not let it spoil by letting it grow cold. She noted how he seemed slightly on edge, keen to keep busy doing small unnecessary tasks and suggesting they needed to get out of the house.. He leapt up as if scalded from his seat the moment she finished her food.

“Right girl, tell me what you need from upstairs and we can go and visit Grace.”

“Finn….Finn stop…we need to talk.”

Her eyes were downcast at the grievous knowledge of the unpalatable news she was bearing and had brought upon herself to deliver. She saw him bite the inside of his cheek as he sat down slowly on the chair as if trying to eek out every last moment before cataclysm.

“Rae?”

His face was lined with apprehension and she felt nauseous as her stomach contracted as if it were Jormungandr himself tightening the knot inside her.

“Finn, I know….I know, I should have said something a couple of days ago but…….well…but I didn’t want you to be on your own ……and I knew I was coming home soon and …..”

Her tears started to run freely down her face, she could no longer control the momentous impact the news had caused in her.

“What is it girl?….. Rae?”….. silence… “You’re scaring me girl.” The silence continued.

Rae felt even more nauseous, dizzy and clammy as the words she needed to say sprinted through her head; this way and that. She could feel the serpent’s knot within but then she identified something else was ,in fact, present. Some small light that pierced the darkness that only illuminated brightly when she thought of their daughter in her arms and it nourished her with the courage and determination that was needed.

“It’s about Grace….” she swallowed. She paused, realising that her words had the potential to break his heart.

“Do you remember she had a brain scan sometime after she was born…. do you remember what the doctors said?”

That despondent nagging feeling returned to Finn as his breathing grew faster and ragged whilst his heart heart raced. He simply didn’t want to discover what lay behind these troublesome words but he fought against his urge for stasis and moved his head in the smallest of nods.

“They did another one a couple of days ago….the specialist was up from London.”

“How do you know?” His words were spat out, not as a judgement against her, but in incapacitating terror.

“I was there…I spoke to her Finn.” Her voice was clear and cool now.

“But …but how?” He could prevent it no longer - he was becoming irate the muscles in his jaw were clenched tightly.

“I asked the nurses to take me down…I told the neonatal team I didn’t want them to worry you.”

He stood up and turned his back on Rae and looked out of the kitchen window. He couldn’t actually focus on anything outside or see anything because the internal vision in his head was so strong and so demanding it blocked out and obliterated everything else.

“What…what did they say Rae?….what?”

He couldn’t mask the derision in his voice but he was met with silence.

“The fuck what?” he shouted, his tone full of wrath, indignation and fear.

“Grace had …she’d had…they confirmed another brain bleed Finn …a different one to birth…it’s not severe though…mild in fact……but… they think these bleeds might….I mean could have implications for her development…but it may not.”

“What exactly did they say about implications?”

She was able to filter the worry about their daughter independently from the inherent hurt in his voice. The words she had so careful rehearsed in her head, failed to escape her mouth, it was as if her lips were completely paralysed, or she wondered, was it her brain that had frozen and become incapable of sending messages to her lips?

She started her countdown from ten in her head. The numbers echoed as they bounced through her head. As she reached zero, she once again visualised Grace and found a way through the swirling fog of her panic.

“There might not be any but…..but  they said if there were, then…then  there could be developmental…delays and stuff. The worst case……..”

Oh fuck why had she thought it best that she deal with this one alone? Her ability to form coherent thoughts let alone sentences cruelly deserted her and she clammed up completely.

“Tell me Rae.” The tone of his voice was starting to scare her. His ire was not in any way muted or concealed.

“The worst case ……the worse case….could be…” She paused to compose herself as her tears choked her voice.

“The worst case…..Finn…they said ….they said it could mean neurological conditions and things like ….like seizures and ….I think they mentioned cerebral palsy.”

“Fuck” Finn pushed the chair hard so it slammed to the floor.

“The fuck didn’t you tell me….why……fuck”. With that he ran out of the back door into the garden, slamming it so hard that the china cups rattled in a nearby cupboard.

Rae’s head fell into her hands automatically, tears once again streaming down her face. She comprehended that the potency of this acute reaction was down to the fact he was completely heart broken at the thought of their beloved daughter facing any more difficulties.

She was struggling to stay calm and not fall into a spiral of extrapolating the current prognosis into an unbearable and Apocryphal vision. Once again she drew on something inside her, something she wasn’t still sure really existed but right now it was all she had. To stop her mind racing she tuned the radio to No Crap FM. She sat there in the desolate kitchen, tears trickling gently down her cheeks and sipped her cold cup of tea.

Eventually Finn came back in, eyes puffy and bloodshot and Rae could smell cigarettes and the sour stench of fear in his sweat.

“Sorry girl I was so angry….I can’t stand the thought of Grace…of…”

His voice cracked and he took inhaled deeply holding onto the kitchen table for support, to keep him upright as if the crushing news had physically crippled him. His grip was so tight his knuckles almost instantly blanched. Rae walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder but he spontaneously flinched such was the heightened nature of his state but she allowed her hand to remain hoping to provide even the merest crumb of comfort.

“Finn I’m so so sorry….I should have told you….it’s just that you’ve had so much on your plate and…..I wanted to take some of the burden away.”

He shook his head and shrugged her hand off his shoulder.

“Doesn’t work like that Rae.” Bitterness was incontrovertibly apparent in his voice. She sat down on a chair, unable to stand any longer.

“I fucked up big style Finn…please don’t hate me for it…please Finn because after ….after everything I’m not sure…”

The silence stretched out in front of Rae like a desolate expanse, a wasteland and she found her pulse was racing once more her breath shortening.

“Girl I could never hate you……”

He walked over to Rae and positioned a chair next to Rae’s. He covered her soft hand with his rough one. He took a moment, a moment to think and consider those devastating visions that had flooded into his head and caused him to flee.

Outside, he had felt as if he was once again facing his own personal Ragnarok, that his Midgard was becoming submerged with murky waters. It was only when he recalled his nan reading him norse tales as a small boy that an prodigious thought had struck him. He had never really tried to analyse the character of that unnamed thing deep inside him before now. That ,which had sustained him through his most tenebrous times, when he had felt choked by those subliminally nefarious shadows of loss and fear that had swirled around him.

He had then contemplated that, the tree which had rooted so deeply within, which had somehow grown and budded despite all the adversities with which his life become challenged. This, ….this thing held his happy memories on its branches, the root contained the love and support of his father and his nan. The trunk, well that had to constitute his boundless love for Rae. The strong branches were his friends - Rich, Steve, Archie, Chloe Chop, Izzy and Dan. The smaller branches were all those who supported him - a music teacher at school, the night sister from the neonatal unit, the sister from the delivery ward who had cared for him when it had felt like his world was imploding. The leaves…..well they had to be his vinyl collection - he chuckled at the deviation of his thoughts from the nethermost cerebral into the lighthearted almost the ridiculous. Then his mind was inexorably drawn to his beloved daughter…..how did Grace complete the picture? She…she was the new growth atop the solid trunk, she was blossom that adored the tree in spring….fuck….how had he got here? Ah yes - norse mythology……he wondered…may be this thing was…was his very own world tree, his own Yggdrasil.

It was only then that he had understood, that Grace would always be the blossom to him no matter what hand fate chose to deal. Nothing could or extinguish the perpetual light he carried for her. Age, health issues, developmental delays or disabilities could never change that. They might change the complexion and semantics of daily life but he knew together he and Rae had the strength to rise to challenges that fate chose to mete out.

He returned to the present a small smile playing on his lips, a slight furrow to his brow.

“From now on we do these things together….we need to them right girl……..I love her and you with…..with all that I am, all that is in me……..I just want both me girls to be ok…….To be honest girl……I sort of do remember the doctors sayin’ something ta me ..but at that time….I …I had to push it out of me mind Rae…..’cos it might…it might have broken me back then…….”

He paused to take stock, to think again before he spoke. Once again his mind suffused with his revelation that no matter what the outcome for Grace, he would love her fiercely with all of his being; and if anything, her start in life had made him incredibly over-protective already. He hated the thought of her having to struggle and fight with anything else. Her short life so far had been the very fight for mortal existence, for breath and even after she had defeated that which was threatening to take her her life had been a myriad of painful and unpleasant procedures. She’d never even spent a whole hour in anyone’s arms, she’d been separated from those that loved her from the moment she was born. He vowed that he was going to accept graciously what life had given them and he would fight for her until his own heart stopped beating. His Yggdrasil was exultant in its strength right now and for that he was grateful.

“…..You know whatever happens Rae…..I’ll love her just the same…she’s our darling daughter Rae and I……we’ll just have to do whatever it takes girl….we’ll do our best ….nobody could love her more girl…nobody…”

Rae smiled at him realising just what it had taken from him to say those words; to face up and accept that they might not get the fairy tale but she wondered if that would make them any the poorer. She knew there were likely going to be no quick answers no manual of what to do and how to react but for now this was better than she had even dared to hope.

She took a deep breath, there was something else she felt she needed to talk about, she felt was important for Finn and for his sanity.

“Actually Finn have you got to time to talk about something else?”

He nodded.

“Finn you really need to think about going back to work.”

Finn wanted to protest so much but he knew Rae had a point. He had been due a couple of weeks paternity leave but only from a couple of his jobs and in effect he’d taken it already. Money was still going to be an issue unless something changed.

“Yeah we can talk about it Rae…… I know I’m going to have to work soon as we’re going to need the money. I need to talk to everyone though Rae. I promised Rich I’d DJ in the Dolly once a week or fortnight…..I know you’re not going to like it but…well I think I’m going to have to work in London a couple of nights a week….”

She surprised him with her reply. “Actually I think you should Finn. I know you enjoy it and I’m only too aware that we need the money.”

“I’m not comfortable with leaving you on your own…….and you and Grace when she’s home.”

He saw her consider his statement and once again she astonished him with her answer.

“If your dad would have us, I’d like to stay here while you’re working in London.”

He smiled at her “You sure girl? He’s a terrible natterer…you know. Biggest bloody gossip in town my dad..”

“Yeah I’m sure…it’d be good Finn, and mum’s just round the corner so if I need any help during the day…”

She saw him consider this proposal.

“Alright…I’ll talk to James as well and Steve of course.”

They both liked the fact they were making plans. The plans that they should have been making, had Grace not been born so early. It all felt a bit more “normal”, more hopeful less complicated and intense.

“Right - shall we go and see Grace and you can catch up with whoever visits in the afternoon. It’d be a good time for me to call Steve and Rich if you wouldn’t mind.”

She smiled and nodded.

***********************************************

Finn spent the next few days between the hospital and seeing his various bosses. He somehow managed a trip down to London by getting up early and and asking his da to take Rae to the hospital and organising Linda to collect her after a couple of hours because she really needed her rest.

Despite his recent divinations concerning the nature of that which was his life-force, Finn found himself constantly fretting about Rae and Grace. He agonized over his misgiving that Rae was not resting enough and that would simply prolong her recovery. He worried about supporting Rae and his child and how that was all going to come together.

As for Grace, he tried to focus his effort on her good days, on the positives. She’d managed to get a minor infection in her leg due to the long line and it had been the cause of yet another late night spent in the neonatal unit. The doctors had not been unduly concerned and had suggested that it should probably only require antibiotics to clear but he’d been incapable of leaving her cotside and so he had called Chloe to collect Rae.

Rich had stayed with him in the nursery and they’d talked for hours about work, about Chloe and Rae. By midnight he felt able to go home as Grace had developed no further worrying symptoms and so it seemed that the infection appeared to be under control.

They arrived back at his Dad’s house to find Chloe’s car on his driveway; so Rich had decided to come in with him. The house was silent and still. Finn noted the spare room door was open so he and Rich walked up to his attic room. The door was slightly ajar and they quietly opened it wider.

Neither Rich nor Finn could contain their smiles or giggles when they realised the tables had been turned. Both Rae and Chloe were fast asleep in the bed. Both appeared to be be fully clothed. Rae was cuddling a vintage looking plush penguin and Chloe a stripey Garfield.

They tiptoed back down the stairs and Finn poured them both a sizeable drink.

“What the fuck were they cuddling? Where did they find those… those abominations?” Rich said.

Finn blushed. “They might sort have …… have been mine when I were little.”

“Ohh mate..Garfield ….”

“They must have been in me cupboard…haven’t seen them for years…”

Rich laughed - he knew the girls would have been rifling through Finn’s cupboards and drawers.

“Hope you haven’t got anything too incriminating up there Nelson.”

Finn shook his head “Nah cleared me porn stash out some years ago….actually da did.”

“Ya da….” Rich exploded into laughter “What happened?”

“Alice…..she came to stay shortly after we met….can’t remember why now. I popped out to the shops to get some more drink or something and when I came back she screamed at me like a banshee because she’d found a copy of Club under my bed…….da must have heard because when we came back from the night out…he’d left me a note saying he’d sorted my room.

I had no idea what he was talking about until the next time I was there alone and I was going through my drawers looking fer some some old photos and noticed all me porn had gone….I was mortified and when I mentioned it to da…..he told me he recycled them…..the funny thing is I have no idea how he knew they were they anyway.”

“Bet you he kept some…”

“Ha ha…Rich thanks fer that thought..”

The two sat there quietly for a while until Finn starting the yawning circus.

“I really need some sleep.” He said.

“Will you stop yawning it’s making me tired.”

“Oh fuck….. the girls…suppose I’ll have to kip in the spare room.”

“I’ll move Chloe to the spare room.” Rich suggested.

“Nah….that don’t seem right -  let her sleep.” Finn responded

Rich nodded in agreement. So Finn suggested a solution:

“You can either piss off home or kip in with me…da’s only got the one spare room.”

Rich and Finn found themselves in Gary’s spare room. The bed was smaller than they were used to and they both felt a bit odd sharing when they knew the girls were sound asleep upstairs but as usual both were so tired they were soon asleep.

Gary was first to wake and saw that Finn’s car was back on the driveway. He’d seen the spare room door shut that morning and realised one of Finn’s friends must have slept over.

He made as few mugs of tea and took them upstairs. He knocked on Finn’s door first and was somewhat taken aback when Rae called for him to come in. He found the two girls fully clothed sat up in bed and frowned.

“Where’s Finn?”

“I don’t know Gary…….He might still be with Grace at the hospital.” she said anxiety clearly evident in her expression. Gary frowned.

“Morning Gary” said Chloe. She smiled. She’d met Gary the previous evening when she’d brought Rae back. She’d been surprised that he had remembered her from the days many years ago when she’d come round to some party or other with Chop and Izzy.

“Morning Chloe…….I think Finn might be in the spare room actually. Come to think of it the door was shut this morning when I’m sure it was left open last night.”

Rae and Chloe shared a look. They were both wondering the same thing - had Rich gone home or had he too stayed the night?

“I think Finn will be wanting a cup of tea. Gary - could you ask him to come up - I need to know how things are with Grace.” Rae asked.

Gary nodded and took the remaining cup of tea down and knocked on the spare room door “Finn cup of tea.”

He heard Finn’s usual morning groan and took that as a sign to walk in.

He stopped and paused. He considered what to say when he found Finn and Rich both shirtless and semi conscious facing each other; their fingers almost touching. Rich’s eyes were shut tight and Finn was just about coming to.

“Err…. I’d better get another cup of tea then. Finn urm ….urm Rae’s worried about Grace…Could I suggest you go up and talk to her.”

“Shit…she’s awake? Thanks da…..”

Gary went down the stairs and smiled. Sometimes Finn was so much like the moody inarticulate teenager that had drunk himself silly and passed out on the kitchen floor, well anywhere come to think of it. The number of times he’d found any combination of Finn, Archie and Chop sharing a bed or on the floor. He shook his head in silent laughter at the memory.

Gary was proud that his son was relaxed with his friends and unafraid of having true friendships with other men. It had given Finn extra people to trust and confide in and talk to over the years, something he’d personally struggled with particularly after his wife had left.

He also knew Finn needed his friends more than ever right now. He was over the moon that Rae was home and recovering and he was fairly sure that Grace was going to be ok. But he knew it would naive to think that a couple (let alone one who had known each other for all of what -  7-8 months, and been together for less than that) were going to have an easy ride with a new baby. He knew only too well how babies put strain on the best relationships, most of it down to lack of sleep or external pressures like financial worries.

Rae and Finn hadn’t had had to travel a tortuous path so far, what with the shock of the pregnancy, their crazy working patterns and Alice to name but a few things. Gary was once again grateful that Finn had met Rae. In so many senses they were equals and yet they balanced each other so well, at least they did when they managed to talk properly to each together.

**********************

Finn half stumbled and half fell out of the warm bed and wandered groggily upstairs in just his tracksuit bottoms. He found it rather strange to be knocking on his own bedroom door.

“Rae…Chlo….Can I come in?”

“Yes” the girls chorused.

He hopped onto the bed and shuffled his bottom along so he could be next to Rae to hug her. Chloe thoughtfully moved to the foot end of the bed.

“Hey Chlo…morning girl….” he kissed Rae on the cheek. “I’m so sorry…. I just didn’t want ta wake either of you last night….Grace’s is stable Rae, no further signs of infection, no fever, nothing really - just the little lump in her leg from the longline and the slightly high white cell count. She’s on IV antibiotics though….another drip I’m afraid.”

“Oh where this time?” Rae’s tone betraying her underlying worry.

“Her other foot.” Finn swallowed and grimaced.

Neither could bring themselves to say how they each struggled with the bruising and marks left on Grace’s tiny hands and feet by the cannulas. It was a very visual reminder of her suffering.

“I need to go and see her Finn.”

“I know…. girl I know.  You might want ta express first though - what do ya want for breakfast I’ll bring it up?”

“Cereal and toast please….with butter and jam.”

“Your wish is my command” he said with a playful wink. “Chlo can I get you anything?”

“Toast would be good thanks Finn…oh and please kick Rich out of bed. Lazy git didn’t even work last night.” Finn snorted.

As he disappeared off downstairs, Rae got her pump out and fished out all the things she needed to express from sterile packets.

“Do you want me to go downstairs too Rae?” Chloe asked.

“It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you….still no flaming milk coming out though.”

“It’s fine Rae….you never know I might have a baby one day…it might be useful information.”

Rae raised her eyebrows.

“Not yet Rae….just sayin’ I’m not against the idea.”

Rae started her expressing and Chloe couldn’t help but look - the way the pump worked was mesmerizing.

“Fuckin’ hell Rae… does it hurt?”

“Nah, just pulls a bit.”

Chloe grimaced at this she couldn’t stop staring. “Rae your boobs…..they’re just…”

“Ridiculously massive?” Rae interjected and Chloe laughed.

Both of them were surprised as Finn and Rich had appeared with trays of breakfast.Finn still wasn’t used to the site of Rae expressing and looked at her, mouth hanging wide open.

Rich looked at the floor in apology and finally stuttered out “Shit so sorry Rae…I’ll erm…just go.”

He put the breakfast tray down and was about to leave the room.

“Rich it’s fine with me if it’s fine with you….Finn chuck me the blue shawl will ya?”

Rich was rooted to the spot.In the end Finn walked up to him and put a hand on his arm.

“It’s safe now mate…..”

“Sorry Finn.”

“You’re alright. Come on in, breakfast time.” Finn said trying to suppress a laugh.

Rich turned around keeping his eyes low and eventually looked up to see Rae covered with a blue shawl hiding the pump. He suddenly felt a bit silly, he’d known Rae for longer than Finn had and they’d spent many a night partying together including drunken nights when they’d passed out in the club or at someone’s house.

Rich settled on the bed next to Chloe.

“You alright Rich?” Rae asked.

And he started to laugh. “Fuckin’ hell Rae those girls of yours just gave me a bit of a fright. Are they planning to take over the world these days…..bloody good thing Nelson is a boob man.”

“You cheeky bastard, if wasn’t attached to this …this instrument of torture, I’d kick you in the shin.”

“Would you now Rae….I think you’ve already done that me to me several times over the years…..I recall an incident where I think I ended up with a black eye… “

“Well you were elbowing me in the tits that time in the Dolly you prat.”

“Children please” said Chloe trying not to laugh.

“Yeah you two.” Finn was surprised a little taken aback to feel a bit left out. He always seemed to forget that Rae had worked for Rich for some time.  He abandoned the breakfast tray and sat on the bed next to Rae.

“So what you got planned for today?” Chloe asked.

“Well Finn’s going down to London tonight so…” Rae started

“I really can’t Rae….not after last night….I…shit I’d better call Neonatal.” His voice was tense. He was surprised that the light-hearted interlude had moved his thoughts from where he perceived they should always be - with Grace he reasoned.

Finn threw himself off the bed, grabbed a t-shirt and went downstairs to use the phone.

“Is he ok Rae? It’s just he’s…I thought Grace was doing ok?”

“She is Chlo, I think he’s finding it hard right now…” Rae stopped as they could hear loud shouting and cursing noises coming from downstairs. She frowned.

Rich leapt off the bed and went downstairs to investigate. He found Finn hobbling around swearing like a sailor clutching at an obviously stubbed toe.

“What the fuck Finn? How in god’s name did you manage that?” And he started to laugh.

“It’s not funny. Shut the fuck up you twat.”

“Who got out of the wrong side of bed this morning then?” Rich smirked.

“You fuckin’ snore and don’t tell me you don’t….I had to roll you on your side last night you were making such a racket.”

“Fuck off Nelson, you just wanted to cuddle me.”

“Piss off… you were the one stroking my hair in the night.”

Neither could recall when later asked, just how it started but they soon found themselves play fighting and wrestling on the floor laughing to the point of crying. Suddenly Rich sat up.

“Fuck…. Finn get your head back.”

Finn could feel he had the mother of all nosebleeds. “Shit. shit.” He could feel Rich press a ball of fabric against his face.

Eventually he felt the flow stop and he opened his eyes to a sea of blood all over the floor, on the fabric he was holding (which, he subsequently realised, was Rich’s t-shirt) and splattered all down the white t-shirt he was wearing.

He wasn’t sure exactly what specifically brought him to this cataclysmic breakdown. All he could see was blood and there was that dreadful metallic smell. Something in him had grievously given way and he found he had lost basic control over the most necessary of all functions - his breathing. His heart began to race at an uneven pace and his mind suffused with visions of that harrowing night. He remembered only too well cradling her listless body in his arms. He hadn’t the faintest notion that he was screaming until he felt someone put their arms around him and he was able to haul his mind back to the present.

“Finn…it’s ok. I’m here……………….Finn you need to listen to me now mate…..Finn come on breathe with me. ….Finn..”

He was so consumed by those atrocious visions that he simply couldn’t even begin to control his breathing; it felt like the room was beginning to spin and distort.

“Finn….fuck’s sake Nelson come on……Finn.”

He felt his hand being held to a chest. “Nelson this is the speed you need to breathe at ..please….come on….I don’t want to worry Rae…come on …”

He tried to concentrate and used all his mental strength in an attempt to slow himself down. He drew on that tree rooted deep inside him picturing every part of it and the faces and happy memories that it comprised. He explored the tree until he could just about speak in a small fragile whisper, which was all that he was physically able to force out - “Blood”.

He gasped and once again his breathing started to accelerate rapidly when he realised how much blood was on his t-shirt. He couldn’t stop staring at the pattern that it had created and his mind saturated afresh with those awful thoughts. He began to feel control slipping away from his grasp and he felt like he was spiralling back down into that infernal pit when he became aware of his t-shirt being pulled off.

“Finn……..come on Nelson….”

He could barely divine the words but he realised that the only thing that in any way could attempt to  mitigate the dreadful feeling would be the warmth of another body next to his. With the last of his energy, he threw himself into his friend’s arms.

“Shh Nelson….it’s ok…they’re both ok now……slow that breathing down…”

Finn knew the tears were going to come long before they actually started to fall incongruously down his cheeks. He felt Rich’s arm’s pull him in tighter as his body started to shake with the sheer force of the emotions coursing through him.

His body shuddered as he forced out his words in a hoarse voice “But….but I shouldn’t be cryin’.”

“You’ve got to let it out ……it’ll eat at you otherwise……it’s ok to feel Finn….it’s ok.”

He felt Rich’s lips on top of his head and he realised his tears were soaking Rich’s chest but he he made an effort to stop thinking about his desolation and started to listen to Rich’s heartbeat whilst picturing that tree, the roots, the solid trunk, the branches, the leaves, the buds.

Rae and Chloe finally made it downstairs, Rae was still a little sore from the cesarean and she was inherently weak. They had heard the screaming from Finn’s room and both had instantly recognised it to be Finn. Chloe had assisted her friend as best she could to safely descend the stairs. If Chloe was nervous and concerned about the primal guttural howls emitted, Rae was petrified and shaken to the core of her being.

As the girls reached the bottom of the stairs, the noise was now reduced to sobs, less hideous in tone but heart-wrenching nonetheless. They crept silently to the kitchen door, afraid of what panacea of nightmarish things awaited them.

Rae and Chloe looked at each other in concern and confusion as they found Finn crying softly in Rich’s embrace. Both were clothed only in tracksuit bottoms and there was a reasonable quantity of blood on the floor. Rich had his eyes closed and appeared to be whispering into Finn’s hair. The girls’ eyes met as Rich kissed Finn’s hair neither could comprehend what had come to pass.

Rae sat down behind Finn putting her arms around his waist from the back, pressing her face into his back. Chloe curled up at Rich’s left shoulder and put a hand on Finn’s shoulder.

Before long Rae found herself to be crying too. She had begun to fathom what was the sourced of Finn’s agonising distress. She could just about see Chloe and knew she was perturbed and upset by the situation and so she reached a hand out to her.

After an indeterminate amount of time had passed with all four bodies pressed together in solidarity seeking a way to alleviate and soothe all their anguish and trauma, Finn finally pulled back from Rich’s arms which caused everyone to sit up. His eyes were red and bloodshot from the tracks of his tears, his nose somewhat bloody. He shuffled his body round such that he was at Rich’s right shoulder and leant forward and kissed Chloe on the cheek.

“Thanks Chlo….thank you.” His voice little more than a raw whisper.

He then looked at his friend and took his face in his hands and leant forward and kissed him on the lips with an unanticipated passion.

“I fuckin’ love you Rich…”. Their eyes met sharing unspoken words of support and brotherhood.

“And as for you girl….” he turned slightly to face Rae.

“I …..I love you so much ….my love for you Rae…transfuses every part of me.”

With this he placed an incredibly tender kiss on Rae’s lips.

It was Rae’s giggles that finally broke the silence.

“Either you’ve spent so much time in that bloody hospital that it’s affectin’ ya or you’re turning into a poet Finn.”

He smiled and then shivered with both the cold and the aftershock due to the sheer intensity of such an emotive experience;his head bowed slightly, hit teeth worrying his bottom lip. Silently they all shuffled closer and fell into a another natural variant of the group hug with Finn at the centre. Chloe, Rich and Rae all rocking Finn slightly.

Gary had been on his way to work when he realised he left an important folder behind. In some way he was happy to be going home again. He knew he’d miss his first meeting of the day but in the grand scheme of recent events, he was finding work to be a difficult distraction from spending time with his family when he felt they needed him most.

None of the four had heard Gary’s key in the door so when he walked into the kitchen he was faced with four entwined bodies in a strange sort of circle with Finn at the centre. Both of the men were shirtless and there was blood on the floor and what appeared to be two bloodstained cloths. The atmosphere was neither oppressive nor overtly depressive and whilst he marvelled at the considerable depth of fellowship expressed in the silence of the physical expression of support, he had to say something.

“Room for another one then?”

Finn raised his tear stained face from the melee and looked at his father, holding out his hand. Gary ignored the state of the floor and sat down taking his son’s hand in his own. He was a little taken aback to find Chloe sling her arm around his shoulders but said nothing as the group once again reformed. Gary felt honoured to be included in this unusual yet spiritual ritual which he had deduced was for his son’s sake. Afterwards, they would all contemplate the extraordinary length of time they had spent encircled with only the sound of their breathing a few tears to punctuate the silence.

In the due course of time Gary’s curiosity and deep seated desire to be there for his son trumphed over the silence.

“Finn, what happened……Is Grace ok?…….I don’t mean to intrude…sorry…sorry.” He said shaking his head at his own crassness.

The circle and it’s magic were broken. But Finn had regained sufficient courage and vitality to reply in a quiet and slightly ashamed voice.

“I….I…think I might of….might ta had a bit of a panic attack da…I …..I had a nosebleed and …it was the blood da.”

“Oh son….Jesus…come here.” Gary pulled Finn to him.

Rae, Chloe and Rich all glanced at each other. There was unspoken compassion in their shared looks as the undeniable realisation developed in each of them that whilst Finn had found the strength to shoulder the burden that fate had dealt, he had not emerged unscathed. The unsaid questions of Grace still being in hospital and the long term implications for her health hung thickly in the air.

Eventually Finn’s convulsive sobs dwindled into shivers with the combined effect of Gary and Rae having curled up again behind him. He returned back to the present and opened his eyes. Gary ruffled his hair gently and stood up.

“Right…I think we all need coffee.” With that he busied himself putting the kettle on.

Finn looks at Rae, eyes swollen and bloodshot.

“I’m so sorry I’ve let ya down girl….made a fuss and that……it’s just…..well…”

Rae shakes her head and takes his hand in hers.

“Finn…never ever think you let me down…….I think….I think you’ve done amazingly….you are the best father Grace could ever hope for and….as for me….you are my heart, my breath and you and Grace form my only thoughts…”

Finn lifts a hand to cup Rae’s cheek and tenderly brushes her hair behind her ear and his fingers return to her face.

“I…..you know …I love you and Grace with every last breath in my body….I mean that Mrs Nelson.”

She tilts her head and looks at him as his bruised eyes seek silent approval and his swollen lips meet hers. Their eyes close and their breathing slows as it feels that their souls have come home entwined, replenished and strengthened by the phenomenal depth of their feelings.

They only break apart because Rae perceives that Finn’s shivering constitutes a physical and not an emotional need. She looks around to see Rich and Chloe in a tight embrace. She’s wondering about what she can give to Finn to warm him up when Gary appears with a couple of shirts and blankets. He squats down next to Finn and helps him put the shirt on over his head. He holds the second out to Rich who takes it with a smile.

Gary helps Rae up and walks her through to the living room, he returns and holds his hand out for his son, whose body has progressed from shivering into shaking. He wraps his son in a blanket and takes him through, away from the cold, blood stained floor. Rich and Chloe follow them and he passes Rich the second blanket.

Gary returns with a tray of coffee and a bottle of brandy. He pours out the coffee and adds a tot of Brandy to Finn’s.

“Da it’s what ten o’clock in the morning?”

Gary nods and passes Finn the mug. “Son, I think it might just take the edge off.”

Finn’s looking a bit reluctant. His ashen, washed-out face with its dark smudges under the eyes is enough to make Rae speak out.

“Please Finn…..drink it.. .”

“But we need to go and see Grace.”

“Finn, we will go……you just need to give yourself a bit of time. Coming down from such a heightened and deep rooted panic will leave you physically and mentally exhausted for a while. Trust me I know. “

“But Grace.”

“Finn, I’ll go and call the ward now just to check again.” Rae pads gently out of the room.

“Come on Nelson….listen to your wife for once will ya….Gary…I think I could do with a bit of brandy in mine.” Rich says holding out his mug.

Gary’s more than happy to oblige as it gives him the perfect excuse to add a bit of brandy to his coffee. Chloe declines, she would be more than happy to participate but has just sufficient sense and detachment to realise that somebody needs to be able to drive a car.

Gary lights a fire and puts on a Joan Baez LP. It must have been the brandy that encouraged the words out, he realises as soon as he speaks them that they were at best ill-advised and at worst - potentially reckless.

“So you two going to make it official then?”

Finn frowns, confusion evident in the small half smile on his lips and the furrowed brow.

Rae’s intuition had not been dulled by a mouthful of brandy in coffee and she automatically understands exactly what Gary’s referring to. She doubts Finn had meant anything of significance with his words but ponders if it was meant as more than a mere term of endearment and intimacy.

She becomes aware of Finn’s body tensing next to hers and she fears the worst - excuses, apologies for his ill-advised choice of phrase or similar. And she’s completely dumbfounded and at sixes and sevens when she hears a low chuckle reverberate in Finn.

“Oh da…..well I er…” He breaks into a broad beam.

He turns to Rae and smiles at her and strokes her soft cheek with its rosy glow.

“Girl….you know I fully intend to….” he kisses her on the lips. “Just not like this….not when I’m a shaking wreck with a bloody nose, wearing one of me da’s old shirts and …”

Finn looks around, these words are probably far too intimate for an audience, even considering who was present, but he was in too deep now, there was no reverse gear on this wagon.

“I….I didn’t want ya to think I was only askin’ ya because of Grace…..’cos ya need to know I would have wanted ta ask ya anyway…..I…..I …ya know …what….what ya ….mean ..ta…me..”

Finns voice chokes with emotion and Rae grab his hand and strokes his cheek with her other hand. She looks into his eyes and then shakes her head gently knowing that she had been the one to reduce him to a stuttering mess.

“Finn…..not now……it’s ok…. I understand….”

He gazes at her face and hears her words and his chest constricts with unparalleled foreboding and despair but it must have been written all over his face as she strokes his hand with her fingers, her face full of some hitherto unknown emotion. Is it compassion? Is it pity?

“Finn…the answer …..the hypothetical answer would ….have been ….affirmative” Rae states assuredly; half smirking and raising her eyebrows.

Their present company completely forgotten now he moves in to kiss her with a passion and intensity, a ferocity even, that completely takes her breath away. She melts under his returned strength, a moan excusably escaping her mouth as his body ends up pressing hers back into the sofa. Their lascivious embrace is finally only broken by the sound of a small cough accompanied by a sonorous laugh.

“Really Nelson? I am sure your father would agree with me, that the sentiment of your…your heart-felt admission was beautiful…..but I am not sure we also need to bear witness to your ravishing of the future….sorry will be future Mrs Nelson…….”

A beautiful pink blush colours Finn’s cheeks and spreads right down to his chest. He catches his father’s eye and is astonished to find him laughing.

“Finn…..you must think I was born yesterday if I thought ……well you’re parents now aren’t you.”

At this point everyone commences laughing. It may be the brandy, the unenvisaged bond of shared experience but laughter was the one to break the mood and triumph over the earlier despair and hysteria.

***************************************

Chloe had taken the day off work and acted as chauffeur. They’d all gone to see Grace in relay and then they had eaten something passing for lunch at the hospital cafeteria. They were so used to the awful food that nobody bothered to comment or complain about it anymore.

Chloe had then dropped off Finn and Rich at the station, leaving Gary and Rae at the hospital, so Finn could go to London. Rich had insisted on going with him and they’d nearly had a full blown row about how unnecessary Finn thought it was but Rich had had ideas of his own.

Finn was a little perplexed as to why Rich insisted on coming to James’ club with him. He played a solid set, maybe not his best, but pretty remarkable given that morning’s events. He packed his stuff and wandered over to find Rich. Eventually he located him in James’ office. They all had a small drink and Finn and Rich went back to James’ flat.

On the train journey home, Finn was tucked against the window staring out at the passing scenery counting the minutes, no seconds, until he would arrive at his dad’s, pickup Rae and see Grace. His need for them all to be together in their family home, was growing ever more salient and pressing in his thoughts. It was as if, now Rae was home, and Grace appeared to be over the worst, his mind had moved on from those dark days. He had a fundamental and latent desire, no need for his family.

Until now, he’d never understood why his father had been so insistent on carrying on the tradition of family Sunday lunches with his nan after his mother left - right through his teens and even after his nan had passed away. It was very much a whole Sunday afternoon affair with his dad collecting his nan after church. In later years he would normally drag himself reluctantly downstairs just before midday, often hungover and tired from the previous night’s drinking and mischief.

He would often be very grumpy and short with his nan and his dad. He’d complain that there was absolutely no need for such rigmarole associated with the traditional roast and pudding his father would cook. He would help wash up and in the summer they might go for a walk, in the winter they might play a board game but they would always finish with listening to records. His nan had her favourites - jazz and folk. Rather an odd combination on reflection. They had each taken it in turn to play a track to the others, his dad usually chose Status Quo or other similar dinosaurs of rock and he, well what he choose substantially depended on his mood.

He realised how much he would give to be able to go back just one more time and share one more meal, one more afternoon with his nan, listening to records in front of a fire. He regretted his adolescent behaviour, hoping that he hadn’t hurt or disappointed his nan and dad.

“Penny for them?”

Rich had to repeat himself twice before Finn finally responded with a basic “Huh?”

“Nelson, you’ve been miles away…”

“Oh….I was just thinkin’ that’s all.”

Rich was silent knowing that Finn would most likely open up as and when he was able to vocalise his thoughts in a meaningful way.

“I’m strugglin’ without Grace at home……Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing that Rae’s at home. Before she came home, I thought….I thought I would feel right again, having her there at night sharing my bed, us holding each other….I knew Grace would have to stay in longer……you know they said she’s likely not to come home until her due date….so I was always prepared for her to be in until then…..at least I thought I was prepared.”

He bit his lips and contemplated what’s at the root of this unshakeable malaise.

“I….it’s just without Grace…it feels like….like one of me limbs is missin’….like I’m not complete….Like I can only just function but it’s like part of me isn’t there because…..because Grace stole it and it’s with her…….I like to think that whatever it is…it’s with her, protecting her all the hours I’m not there with her………..I’d like to think when she grows up she’ll understand why I wasn’t with her 24 hours a day….”

“Finn you couldn’t be there 24 hours a day even if you wanted to. All the parents are in the same boat…you …you need to eat and sleep and life carries on outside the hospital….”

“Yeah but does it? It’s…..I feel time has stopped and I’m in a daze half the time…just survivin’ …there are moments when I think I feel happy but then I realise that there’s this…this ache so deep inside me…..and I know I’m not really happy, it’s just smoke and mirrors because underneath it all, I ….the yearning is so strong for us to be a family Rich…..and it’s so exhaustin’…….”

He stopped again to allow the feelings to tone down and fade before they swallow his words.

“It’s like the only time, I feel I can properly relax is when I’m on the neonatal unit, Grace in me arms ….or” a small smile played on his lips at this memory..”or best of all when she’s in Rae’s arms and I’m with them.”

**********************************************************

The next few days continued for Finn as a blur of hospital visits and DJ’ing in London once more and at the Dolly twice. He struggled with his semi-nocturnal existence because that meant he could only really visit Grace with Rae present in the afternoons. He’d finally come to terms with the fact that this difficult and unpleasant situation could quickly become so wretched to the point of being unbearable if he didn’t manage to get some sleep.

The one highlight of the week had been the fact that Rae had felt well enough to join him to present on their show at No Crap FM. He’d been so excited initially, thinking it would be like old times.

But when it came to starting the show he wasn’t exactly sure what to say - specifically where to start. Rae had smiled and held his hand, sensing his nervousness.

“So….erm…well tonight I have a very special person sat next to me….you’ve probably been missing her as much as I have…It’s Rae Earl…and erm…”

Rae grabbed the mic “Before Nelson stumbles into tomorrow procrastinating about what to play…he does need to remember this is a music show after all ….not a talk show…I’m going to give you all a real treat……being in hospital was bloody awful, though the nurses were all wonderful…. quite a good thing I was out of it most of the time…anyway I’m dropping the big guns so Nelson watch out….yeah it’s the Beastie Boys with Sabotage.”

Just as Rae finished and before she switched the mic off a faint “Fuck’s sake Rae” could be heard in the background which engendered a significant amount of sniggering from the production team behind the perspex.

Rae looked at Finn and traced on his thigh WHAT? and whispered in his ear “You were fannying about ….”

He raised his eyebrows at her and he had to admit that for once he hadn’t got a bloody clue about what to play. He had prepared a playlist but when it looked at it he realised how derivative and dull it was. Nah he had to think on his feet again and it made him smile at the challenge.

“So predictable Earl, so predictable. You know full well if we’re talking big guns, they don’t get any better than the Roses… And It just had to be this number as since Earl’s made me a father …I er didn’t know such love even existed….It’s “Love Spreads” of course.”

Suddenly it occurred to Finn what he had just announced to the whole world, well their listening population at least. When he’d played last week before Rae came home, he’d played a show for his girls but had never mentioned Grace as he had felt the situation was too delicate and he was a private person. Somehow he had felt that he was protecting Grace by not mentioning her on air. He looked nervously towards Rae, worried about her reaction to his impulsive introduction.

Rae was smiling at him, she mouthed - It’s ok. He wondered how she managed to understand his fear and his misgivings. Then she leant forward and he managed to catch a glimpse of her breasts peeking out over the upper edge of her top which distracted him so much that he didn’t hear what Rae was saying to him and had to ask her to repeat herself.

“Going deaf are ya? You might have opened a can of worms with that one Nelson….just think how long we’ve been playing on air……..” She smiled at him

It hit him that Rae had point - people would wonder when… fuck it- he didn’t care about that anymore. Why was that important - the important thing was what Rae thought. All that mattered now was Rae and Grace.

Finn was still deep in thought when Rae started the introduction for the next track.

“So Nelson’s had a chance to play whatever he wants for a while and this track’s for him. I bloody hope he likes it - It’s Roberta Flack with “The first time I ever saw your face” but just for clarification, the first time I saw Nelson’s smug face thinking he knew more about music than me…..well all I could think about was proving him wrong….but the lyrics to this are great.”

Rae scooted over to Finn and traced LYRICS on his thigh. Finn knew this track really well. He mouthed the words as they played

“And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave

To the dark and the endless skies, my love

To the dark and the endless skies”

At this point he was so overcome with the expanse of his emotions. He thought about giving Grace the moon and stars and mouthed “Grace” to Rae. She held his hand as the tears flowed silently down his cheeks.

Rae mouthed some of the lyrics back to him

“And I knew our joy would fill the earth

And last ‘til the end of time, my love”

“I fuckin’ love ya girl”. He said as his voice cracked and he put his head in his hands.

Rae realised Finn needed a moment to compose himself. She looked down his track list and chose another track.

“You’ll have to excuse Nelson, gone to the toilet with a weak bladder again…honestly…Anyway as we seem to be on the theme of love tonight…thinking about the stars and shining well let’s get back to the 90s….here’s the delectable Tim Booth singing “She’s a star” yes it’s James.”

Finn looked up and gave her a quizzical look. She shrugged her shoulders at him and he gave her a playful slap on her thigh and leaned right in to whisper in her ear “Thought ya’d nick my songs did ya….you naughty girl…” With that he ghosted his tongue from her ear to collarbone, delighting in the blush that spread over her skin. He then immediately turned his back to choose the next track.

“Earl is ever ready to drag us back to her favourite decade…the 90s…well I’ve picked a special track here - It’s a beautiful track sung with one of the best most soulful voices that I know you nurses on SCBU will love…..turn this one up for me  will ya as I want to make sure our…baby gets the best musical education…. And a massive thanks to you too…It’s Sam Cooke and “Bring it on home to me.”

Rae was a little mad as she knew what  Finn wa hinting at in the education quip but at the same time she also thought it was funny. When Finn stood up and held out his hand to her she happily accepted it and they swayed in each others arms to the music.

Rae decided two could play at Finn’s game and picked out her next track.

“Ya know Nelson, much as your last track was a good choice…I think this next track would be a far better one for our baby and to say thank you to the nurses….the name is so apt. It’s Ben E King and “Stand by me” …great movie too.”

Finn leant over and traced… REALLY MAINSTREAM on Rae’s thigh. If he was being honest with himself, he only did it because he longed to touch her again and he couldn’t quite resist winding her up a little; she always looked so cute when she was cross with him. It had the desired effect in that Rae raised her eyebrows at him and gave him one of those “so you really think you know best looks” that made the tension rise deliciously inside him.

However, what he hadn’t banked on was Rae leaning over and breathing softly in his ear as she whispered “Mainstream Finn? Really…..if you can top that then I’ll go into the disabled toilet with ya….” She nibbled at his ear, kissed down his jaw and smirked at him.

He whispered back “next’s tracks yours girl…I need a piss.” With that he disappeared out of the studio. Rae wondered what the hell that was all about and decided to throw another one down to challenge Finn.

“Nelson appears to have accepted defeat…so I’ve got another great track for you, one that makes you want to dance, really dance and it’s all about love. How love just makes you feel amazin’…and I reckon the love we have for our families and children is incredible so I am going to be dancing to this one…It’s Jackie Wilson with “Your love keeps lifting me higher.”

Rae was happily tapping her foot when Finn appeared a pile of vinyl in his hand. Rae frowned …what was he up to. She scooted over to him and whispered “This one’s for dancing to Nelson…eat your heart out….think you’ll find I have this hands down.”

Finn quickly sorted through his pile and grabbed the right 45 just in time.

“Earl….way, way too mainstream…….you really want music ta dance to huh? Love is like a “Landslide” it can just sweep ya of yer feet and leave helpless…This is “Tony Clarke”.

Finn leapt up onto his feet and started throwing some pretty unusual moves, his feet covering the floor quickly in a pattern. Finn was grinning at her as he practically tripped himself up. Rae was puzzled, she’d never even heard of the track before, and she’d certainly never seen anyone dance like that before. She looked through the perspex to see Steve dancing and giving Finn the thumbs up. What the fuck was going on? Finn leant over ostensibly to whisper in her ear, instead he kissed her neck with a succession of small hot kisses.

Rae knew she had to get a grip. Suddenly she thought she’d got it. She managed to come up with a track that would wipe the floor with Finn because it was definitely something he’d play because Gary had shared it with her a couple of nights back.

“So Nelson thinks he’s being ultra cool by playing tracks that nobody’s ever heard of. But this song is really important, it’s a Thin Lizzy track written by Phil Lynott about his daughter Sarah…I just wanted to share it with all yous.”

“When you came in my life you changed my world

My Sarah

Everything seemed so right my baby girl

My Sarah

You are all I want to know

You hold my heart so don’t let go

You are all I need to live

My love to you I’ll give”

Finn loved it but he was damned if he was going to give the game away too early. He scooted over to Rae and traced on her thigh. YOU TALKED TO DA ! He let his finger linger and lightly slipped it much higher up her thigh ever so lightly and was rewarded by a small hitch of breath in Rae’s throat before grabbing his next choice.

“Another 45 here, on Miss Earl’s theme of children, this has a great title “I’m gonna love you a long, long time”. You know from day one that ya gonna love ya children for ever and that feelin’s pretty overwhelmin’. That love can make ya want ta dance with joy sometimes and this number by “Patty & The Emblems” is perfect for that.”

Rae was once again hit by music she’d never even heard of before and Finn was once again doing a crazy dance round the room. She could see Steve was clapping from behind the perspex and it completely confused her.

Rae knew she had one last track. She had no idea what to play after Finn’s choices so she opted for something with a good beat, but something she understood.

“Nelson reckons he’s got me licked” she said raising her eyebrows at him “Yeah right Nelson…here’s some major Indie dance players.  It’s Saint Etienne and I know you worship them so bonus marks to me. This track, is on the theme of love - how “Only love can break your heart”. Sometimes heartbreak is short lived and baby we can’t wait until you’re home with us.”

Finn saw a solitary tear trickle down Rae’s cheek and he leapt off his chair; kneeling in front of her and he kissed her cheek which the tear had run down. He then planted a full soft kiss on her lips and took her hands in his. He whispered “I love ya, girl”.

Finn had one final track to play “This last track is for our wonderful daughter….can’t wait ta see ya soon baby….”Wild horses” couldn’t keep us from seeing ya….It’s the Stones of course”.

He took Rae into his arms and danced with her. His lips on her neck, her arms around his waist. She saw his eyes were misted with tears and she ran her hand soothingly up and down his back as he buried his head in her shoulder for a few minutes. When he looked up, he gazed intently into her eyes and then leant in and kissed her. It started as a soft chaste kiss a kiss filled with selfless devotion and love.

Rae wasn’t sure exactly when the kiss changed. She’d flung her arms around his neck at some point and his pelvis had tilted into hers when dancing. She leant back slightly and swayed to the music. She realised later that she’d probably unwittingly flashed her cleavage at him and maybe that had been what had done it. But he’d pushed his body hard against hers and she had kissed him fiercely on the mouth so tongues soon became involved. By the time the track finished Rae and Finn were so captivated by each other, so lost in their bodies melding to one another through dance that they had never heard the song come to the end.

They had finally been roused from their mesmeric trance by Steve knocking on the door, quietly once and then banging on the door. Even that had not flustered the pair who only finally broke apart when Steve came through the door and virtually dragged them out.

“Enough of that you two…got to set up for the next show……..oh and Nelson fucking excellent tracks……..”

Finn grinned “I nicked them from upstairs…. your dad’s weren’t they?” He said walking with Rae’s hand in his out to the reception area.

Steve nodded. “I didn’t know you knew the moves…”

“Aye well me da was quite into it all when he lived up in Leeds.”

Rae’s brow furrowed as she hadn’t the foggiest what they were discussing and she couldn’t keep it any longer.

“Will somebody please let me the fuck what you two are prattling on about?”

Steve raised at eyebrows and looked at Finn “She doesn’t know?”

Finn shook his head and started to laugh. “Probably not ya scene Rae.”

Steve smirked. Finn could see Rae was starting to get a little wound up now, a delicate flush had spread over her face and down her neck and he bit the inside of his cheek both trying to suppress a laugh and to bring him down from his turned on state.

“Finn Nelson……what were you playing?” Rae looked at him straight in the eye, raised her eyebrows and bit her bottom lip rolling it between her teeth.

The movement wasn’t lost on Finn. He knew what she was implying.

“Northern Soul girl….Northern Soul.”

“I’ve never heard of it?” She said utterly bewildered.

“Come on let’s put these back in Steve’s cupboard and I’ll tell ya about it.”

Finn had to suppress a smirk, he hadn’t planned it this way but the cupboard was a far better option than the disabled toilet especially given circumstances. Then he chastised himself for having such thoughts, when his girl wasn’t long out of hospital. Jesus, she did things to him, things he still couldn’t fully comprehend. He had been completely lost in the feel of her, her body pressed against his when they were dancing and it had taken him back. Taken him back to carefree and less complicated days.

He wonders how they’ve got to this point in such a short space of time and he smiles, it’s partly the fundamental and uncompromising love he has for this girl. In the early days, he had simply been incapable of appreciating how quickly it had embedded within him and how vital to his well being this love was; how it had become a very part of him. He realises they’ve reached the cupboard door in silence and it hits him there is another reason why they’re here, and it evokes a clear strong memory of the last time they were in this room together.

He switches the light on and seeks out the correct crate for the rare vinyl in his hand. As he’s putting it back, he realises Rae’s shut the door behind him. He turns to see her with a small half smile on her lips. As she runs her tongue over her lips, he feels a flutter in his stomach and he has to remind himself that she’s still delicate. He almost loses it completely when she kisses him though. It’s as if they need to make up for those lost days, the urgency, heat and zeal in the kiss steal the very breath from his body.

As she pulls back from him, his eyes are unfocused, his lips bruised and his hair messy. Rae smirks and thinks she’s got the upper hand, that is until he walks towards her crashing his lips against hers and he tangles his hand in her hair. His hand snakes up her side and finds its way past her waist to settle on the side of one of her breasts. He grabs her bottom hungrily and thrusts his pelvis against hers.

He tries to speak but instead it comes out as gentle bark “Dance with me?”

He starts grinding his pelvis into hers. He hasn’t a game plan in mind, he simply knows he wants her to feel good, to transfer some of this all encompassing need for another to her. He wonders whether he’s being really selfish when she moans loudly as he kisses down her neck towards her chest. He remembers how sensitive her chest is right now and ghosts his hands over her breasts letting them drag over her nipples. This almost has a convulsive effect on her body and her nails find his back and he lets out a low groan.

It suddenly hits him that they can’t. It’s still too soon. He pulls away from her and he sees that glint in her eyes and he wonders if she is strong enough to stand through it.

“How ya feelin’ girl” he says waggling his eyebrows and biting hard on his lip.

“Finn!” he sniggers at her mock outrage and then realises what she means and he knows he has to restate the boundaries.

“Not yet girl but….I’m ….I’m”.

He can’t find the words to finish the sentence without sounding dirty so in instead he starts to kiss and nip at her lips whilst fumbling with buttons on her jeans. The noise she makes as he slides his hand past her stomach down her knickers makes him harder than he already was, if that was possible. He kisses down her neck onto her chest and down her stomach, his hands pushing her jeans down kissing down her legs as he goes.

He then sees the folly in his somewhat ill conceived plan and assists her to shuffle back to the wall. He then resumes his procession of kisses down her her neck and onto her chest and back up again. He uses his knee to and pushes her leg slightly as indication that she needs to part her legs further for what he has in mind.

He’s grinding himself against her now in a slow tortuous dance. He’s somewhat nervous about how she feels about it until he feels a hand tangle in his hair and her groan of “please” and he knows he’s on the right track. After a bit of shimmying and wiggling he finally gets his fingers right where she wants them and is rewarded with the most unbelievable noise that rises in pitch. It doesn’t take much before she tumbles over the edge, her body shaking so strongly that he quickly steadies her in case she should fall or collapse.

Her face is flushed her eyes glassy and she’s almost sobbing. He thinks he’s taken her too far too soon but is pleasantly taken aback when her hand very quickly palms him roughly through his jeans. She kisses him intensely and her hand unzips his fly and he panics for a minute though his haze about her needing to sit down. He steps back and tries to help her back into her jeans and she smacks his hand away. This confuses him and he looks for a chair and realises that his brain is only half functioning as why would there be a chair in a cupboard. Then he spies the empty crate and he turns it over laying his coat on it and helps her to sit down. He squats between her legs kissing her lips with fervour when her hand reaches into his open fly and starts to stroke him. He grunts and drops onto his knees from his haunches as he can no longer maintain that posture.

She pulls his jeans down and his boxers follow suit. She asks him to stand and then his brain finally understands her plan. She holds out a hand which helps him to stand and then her mouth is around his cock and he loses touch with reality and allows the sensations to take over and his fingers find her again. He’s no idea who tipped who over the edge and he doesn’t care.He’s up with his arms around her again, helping her dress.

“I needed that Finn…I needed to know…’cos I still feel the same”

He laughs “Bloody good thing ‘cos so do I. Shall I take you home girl or..”

She interrupts him “Let’s go visit Grace”.

His heart is pounding in his chest with the sheer weight of his feeling for her, it was as if she could read his mind and understand what he needed to do on a deep and instinctual level.

*************************

They arrived at the Neonatal unit in the small hours of the morning. The nurses were not surprised to see Finn as they had become used to his semi nocturnal pattern but it was the first time Rae had been with him at such an ungodly hour. The sister thanked them for the track they played and they received several compliments on their show.

As they moved into the dimly lit nursery, Rae could appreciate why Finn had preferred his late night visits. There was no denying that they were still in a hospital but the rush, repetition and noise of the day was replaced by the much gentler, softer sounds of night. The radio could be heard even though it was playing softly, the nurses seemed more relaxed and it was less chaotic. They had the ward to themselves as there were no other visitors - it was so much more intimate, they were not sharing any profound moments with other parents and medics.

Rae marvelled yet again at Finn as he lifted Grace out of her cot placing a kiss on her head and he immediately offered her to Rae who shook her head, knowing that at that precise moment his need was greater and more intense than her own. She watched the way Finn nestled Grace against him, his face a mixture of care, concern and love. She instinctively comprehended that his fiercely protective love for Grace had grown roots so deep within him that it had become a part of his very being.

She gazed and studied the freckles on his face, the still tired eyes with their dark circles, his full lips and strong arms and contemplated what Grace might inherit from each of them. Initially visions of a growing girl floated through her mind and then she was soon lost in characteristics - there was no doubt she’d be stubborn and like music in Rae’s mind. But would she be more like her father or her mother and small chuckle involuntarily escaped her lips at the picture of their daughter dressing Finn in a princess outfit and insisting he wore make-up like she had done to an uncle when she was a small girl.

Finn turned to her his eyes full of question and she blew him a kiss not wanting to break the spell of his treasured time with his daughter. Their daughter. That’s when it truly hit her. Something incredible and hitherto almost unthinkable had come out of that night at No Crap FM. One night of intense passion and longing had brought new life into the world. And she felt like her heart might burst with the sheer magnitude of her feelings. She realised that until now, she had taken new life for granted, it had never meant anything special, specific or life altering before. But her love for Grace was so much more than life altering; it had budded cautiously at first, as if it might wither under the snow or frost, but had developed more and more shoots, thriving in the reflection of Finn’s love and the vine had reached around and through every last part of her. It was as if the blessed and precious miracle of life had suddenly revealed itself in his fullness to her and a tear trickled down her cheek.

Finn was so attuned to Rae that he perceived her need for Grace before she had even realised it and he gently stood and placed her on Rae with the shawl. He hadn’t expected this to increase her tears; but then glimpsed the smile forming on her lips and he understood. He shuffled his chair to touch hers and slung an arm around her shoulders and she automatically nestled her head into his shoulder. Despite the discomfort of the utilitarian hospital chairs, they were a family for the first time. Not simply a collection of people who loved each other but a single being, greater than the sum of its parts, filled with love, hopes and dreams.

Rae understood it fully when she felt Finn’s lips on her hair and then saw him to lean down and kiss Grace on her hat. A solitary tear was shed for the journey that had brought them here; the hope, the despair, the agony and the yearning. She took immense strength from this realisation and turned to kiss Finn. She silently mouthed “ our family” at him, not wishing to break the mythical semi-silence that embraced them.

His brow furrowed as he pondered and assumed the meaning of this. The tension that he had been carrying with him for so long now, seemed to shrink, twist and evaporate into the air as his body relaxed softly into hers. On one level, yet not entirely accessible by his conscious, he comprehended that Rae felt what he had felt on first holding his daughter; an inherent and uncompromising love that extended so deeply that he would lay down his life for that of his daughter. Yet, it had become even more than that, they had become one, whereby the individual function of each part was entirely dependent on the overall well being of the trinity. A tear escaped his eye too as he comprehended the gravity yet emotional significance of the concept.

They had no idea how long they had stayed bound together in love and hope revelling in the comfort and the closeness of each other. Finn had driven them back to Gary’s exhausted by the impact of the intensity and vastness of such recognition. They had fallen into a deep sleep, the longing for Grace to be home in their thoughts and hearts.

*******************************************

Finn had been working hard, he’d been down to London twice in the intervening nights. Rae wasn’t sure who he was proving himself to; she knew becoming a father had changed his perception of himself as well as that of the world around him. She’d loved staying with Gary, he was so laid back and she had to confess that he had excellent taste in music. It may not all have been to her personal taste or style, but the evenings she spent with him, made her understand Finn on a completely different level.

She found she was always carefree and serene in those evenings. She had thought she’d be worried about Finn being in London partying with a host of unknown strangers; but it wasn’t to be like that because while she now appreciated that they connected in a way that was yet quite fathomless to her, it was something she knew could only be established when the stars were in a certain alignment or the moons collided or some other shit like that. She felt the pain of Grace’s absence palpably but she knew that she was not alone in that, and that from that she drew thin comfort.

On the third day she woke with an unexpected feeling in her breasts, a tingling. She searched her dreams for any clue to whether she’d had a particularly salacious moment in one, but she could not immediately find a cause. The feeling had persisted during odd independent segments of the day and she couldn’t understand it. It had been much more noticeable when she’d been cuddling Grace. Finn had left early for London as he’d been driving, he’d arrived back at 5am and crawled into bed, locking his body tightly into hers.

Rae woke in the morning and knew something was amiss, something didn’t feel right. Finn was still fast asleep and she silently slipped out of bed. She sat in a chair in Finn’s room expressing but something was different his time.

She was screaming with joy without being fully aware that she was doing it.

“Finn, Finn”.

“Urgggg ummm Rae…what time is it?” His eyes were tightly shut, he was trying to hide under the covers.

“Its 8 am dickhead, wake the fuck up..”

Finn lazily opened his eyes, the daylight pained him. He glanced at Rae and had no idea what the fuss was all about until his eyes dropped down her and then he saw them. Two small but apparent white bottoms to the bottles attached to the pump. He frowned as his brain slowly processed the information and then smiled at her.

“Fuckin’ hell Rae. You’ve done it girl….all that hard work …’kin’ hell I’m proud of ya for persevering.”

“Well they were talking about giving Grace a bottle yesterday as they reckon her suck reflex will kick in now she’s 36 weeks.”

“Well maybe they won’t have ta…..Give me a few minutes girl and I’ll get up and fix ya some breakfast….gotta keep ya strength up.”

Rae looked at Finn and smiled “Nah you’re alright. Finn you need to sleep. I’m going to finish expressin’ first and then make breakfast.”

Finn allowed himself to doze back off, the rhythmic whoosh whoosh of the pump sending him further into oblivion his body needed to recuperate from his energetic set at James’s Club the night before.

Suddenly he was aware of Rae shaking him. Look Finn look how much I got.

“Jesus Christ……wow ….told you those girls would come good in the end.”

He kissed Rae on the cheek and then noted her puzzled expression.

“Whats up?”

“Finn, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it? I mean do I put in the fridge…will it go off…..ahh.”

“And I would know the answer to that because………”

Rae snorted “Well you do profess to being an expert when it comes to boobs Nelson.”

Finn chuckled. “Touche! Better call SCBU…they’ll know what to do”

“Right back into bed with ya ….otherwise you’re going to be grumpy all day. Mum’s going to take me into see Grace and I’ll be back this afternoon.”

“Can’t ya just come in with me for a minute….please Rae.”

“No ya daft bugger….now go back to sleep.”

**********************************************

By the end of the week Rae’s milk supply had come in full force. She’d managed to express more and more everyday. She’d been so pleased with her body. It was as if its ability to make milk had in some way compensated for the terrible turn it had done Grace.

She had had some black moments when she’d hated her body so much for what it had done to Grace. She thinks had it not been for Finn’s patient kindness, his words of encouragement and of course his very physical pleasure in her body, that she might have returned to her old coping methods and taken it out on her body with a blade.

Rae had, however, been disappointed that Grace had still shown no indications of being ready to suckle.  There had been a couple of other babies born at a similar gestation to Grace and one had already gone home and the other was much closer to that long awaited day than they were. She knew that there was no point in comparing, every baby was different but there was also a little more to it than that.

When it had come to Saturday, Rae was excited, she’d been looking forward to spending time with Finn all week. It had felt a bit like a return to the difficult days when they’d hardly seen each other due to work, with Finn having worked three nights in London and two at The Dolly since the last show. Remembering the previous week’s escapade in Steve’s record cupboard she’d decided to make a bit of effort with her appearance and had put on a white vest top with an open red checked flannel shirt, a black mini and black leggings. She’d even put on make-up.

Finn had been in cracking heart and had started the show with Garbage’s “I think I’m Paranoid”.

“So Earl you can bend me break me…anyway you want me….all I want is you.”

Rae had giggled like a schoolgirl at Finn. She had to admit he was looking good, his loosely laced boots up on the mixing deck, cheeky smirk on his face.

“Thanks for that Nelson….you know if you carry on with that cocky smile on ya face…thinkin’ that ya can get in my good books with that track and intro….well you’ve got another thing coming. You know Nancy says it well “These Boots are made for walkin’ so you’d better watch out”.

Rae winked at Finn whose smiled at dropped a little. She’d got him this time.

“Oh so that’s how it’s gonna be Earl? Well I’d better “Keep on running” then…. top track from the Spencer Davis Group.”

With that Finn proceeded to chase Rae around the studio trying to catch her and tickle her. Finn caught her wrapping his arms around her waist as she squealed at him. His hands quickly ghosted up to her breasts, when he felt something different. The utter stillness of his posture whilst his brain processed this discovery startled Rae.

As soon as she looked down, she didn’t know whether she should laugh or cry. Finn’s frozen posture also gave her cause for concern. So many thoughts darted through her mind - was this normal? How mortified she was on the one level. Could she successfully cover it up? Was Finn repulsed? Christ how long was this going to go on for? She also felt a sense of being out of place, like she shouldn’t really be there, like she was playing at being a DJ - those days were now gone and it was her turn to freeze.

Finn looked up at Rae and realised instantly that she needed a minute. Why the fuck did he not make a joke and laugh the whole thing off? It had now become a big deal. However time was not on his side and he had to grab a new track before the previous one finished.

“So it appears I might have chased Earl right out of the studio…sure she’ll be back soon. I know Earl would want me to play “Roll with it” and much as you gotta love the Gallaghers, I’m going to be controversial and go with Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone.”…lyrics are feisty, confrontational even …..a bit like the wonderful Miss Earl but it’s the amazing amalgam of music styles and influences that make this track so cool.”

What the fuck was that Nelson? Why the bloody hell did he pick a track all about resentment? Bollocks. He turned around to see Rae still frozen to the spot contemplating what her body had done in such a public place. Finn gingerly put an arm around her shoulders with the aim of guiding her back to her seat, but not wholly unexpectedly, she’d shrugged it off in an awkward, tense motion.

Finn decided he would have to resort to tracing on her skin and managed a clumsy - IT’S COOL. On her back. Unfortunately this resulted in Rae smacking his hand away and barking a “fuck-off” in his ear.

She was still stood there when Finn had to play yet another track. This time his tactic was very different.

“So here’s something you probably never thought I’d play. It’s definitely well cheesy and just what you need to cheer yourself up - that is if you can ever make sense of the flippin’ lyrics. It’s Toto and “Africa”.”

Finn was relieved the track had the desired effect on Rae. She turned round to face Finn and raised both her eyebrows, drew her shirt around her and rummaged through the vinyl to find the next track.

“I cannot believe Nelson has played that utter….utter….well there simply aren’t the words for that shite. So to purify your poor ears and cleanse your soul here’s Oasis with All Around the World”.

Finn was sniggering at Rae’s quip and he felt the tension in him break as Rae threw him a cheeky grin. He sat beside her and traced on her thigh OK NOW?

She shrugged and gestured at her chest. Not wishing to draw the production team’s attention to her current predicament, she traced on his thigh. GROSS.

He immediately shook his head and captured her lips gently with his before placing a kiss on her cheek and whispering in her ear:

“Your body’s fuckin’ awsome girl. It’s doing that for our Grace. Don’t ya forget that.”

He didn’t have long to play another track and went for an old favourite.

“Now we’re back on the right stuff, here’s an all time classic from Primal Scream…..because we’re free to do what we wanna do and baby I don’t wanna lose your love….it’s “Loaded.””

He was shocked to find Rae dancing arms in the air and he couldn’t resist but join her, pulling her in close and tight against him. However, she pushed him back gently whispering in his ear “Don’t squash them….look my shirt’s wet now.”

Finn smiled and whispered his apologies as Rae chose the next track.

“I think you’ll all guess who this one’s for. It’s by one of the greatest songwriters this planet’s ever seen - Paul Simon. It’s “Father and Daughter.””

Finn was floored by this choice. He virtually collapsed into the chair as the powerful emotions coursed through his veins; his love for and devotion to both Rae and Grace. He tried to swallow back his tears, suppress the enormity of what he was wrestling with but it was a fight he was always destined to lose.

Rae intuitively knew he needed some space to once again reach equilibrium as she had managed to earlier and it was her turn to steer the ship and play another track.

“So people this was one of my mum’s favourite tracks….says it all really. But if we’re going to let Nelson get away with Toto, then you’ve got to allow me Bucks Fizz….it’s “The land of make believe”.

Rae started doing her best dodgy finger dancing and singing along in a silly sugary voice. She could see Steve was doubled over laughing at the track, his hand over his eyes.

Finn couldn’t help his laughter erupting through his tears. From the sublime to the ridiculous he thought. He stopped the track early.

“Apologies, we shouldn’t really allow Earl out of the house past her bedtime. Normal service will resume shortly….ahhh” he broke off to swat Rae off after she’d pinched his bum. His “jesus girl” was most definitely heard on air as was the sound of him clearing his throat.. “erm well I think we all need to erase that …that sound from our memories, so let’s hit it hard with the Smashing Pumpkins and “Today”.”

The next few songs ran past in a blur (Blur was on the playlist of course).

Finn finished the show with Otis Redding’s “These Arms of Mine” and he danced Rae around the room nuzzling her neck and ear. As the music was coming to a close, he looked down at Rae’s chest and softly whispered in her ear “D’ya want me shirt girl?”

Rae nodded with shy smile. Finn quickly took his shirt off so Rae could relieve herself of her damp one before Steve came in. As Steve came in with a broad grin on his face, Finn was nonchalantly shrugging on his leather jacket.

“I have no idea what gets into you two sometimes, but that was bloody brilliant.” Steve couldn’t stop from grinning.

“I suppose you two’ll want to be off now, but how about we all meet down the Dolly Tuesday?”

Finn frowned. He was supposed to be working in London.

“I’d love to but I should be working in London…”

“Ask James for the night off…it may well be your last night out before that gorgeous baby girl is home safe and sound with you.”

Finn looked at Rae who grinned and nodded rumpling her nose ever so slightly in approval and he wasn’t sure how it happened but he mimicked her gesture.

They said their goodnights. Finn slung his arm around Rae and started walking her out of the station. As usual his lips found her hair and he whispered in her ear “I’m going to guess that we need to get to SCBU as soon as possible so you can express?”

She smiled at him “Yeah dickhead.”

“Who are calling dickhead, dickhead?”

********************************************

On Tuesday night, Finn had made no particular effort wearing an old flannel and his black jeans and boots. His eyes had shone as he’d seen Rae in a purple flowing tunic dress, with full make-up and hair curled.

He’d insisted on taking her shopping on the Monday to buy her proper underwear and all the things she needed. He’d noted Rae had become a little shy about her new body and he wanted to make things as easy as possible for her. He’d hoped that she might finally agree to buy some things for Grace such as a cot and a pram. But Rae was sticking to her unwillingness not to jinx Grace’s progress by doing something a rash as preparing for her to come home.

They were both taken aback to find all their friends in the club - Chop and Izzy, Chloe, Archie and Dan but Rich was nowhere to be seen. They all sat down at a table and Chop brought over a tray of drinks.

“Alright Raemundo, Finny-boy, how’s things going?”

“Erm yeah not bad. Grace is doin’ really well. She should be home in a couple of weeks.”

Rae snuggled into him as he spoke and he squeezed her hand tight.

“So how’s you two?” Finn asked.

Chop smiled and pulled Izzy onto his lap.

“You going to tell them or shall I?” Chop asked

Izzy giggled and then her news burst out of her in a torrent of words her small body couldn’t contain:

“We’re getting married in June. We’ve booked the Church the reception and well…..Rae would ya be my bridesmaid along with Chlo?”

Rae got up and went to hug her friend “Of course I will.” Chloe joined them for a group hug.

“Right champers is on me girls” Chloe said leading them off to the bar.

“Does Rich even stock it?” asked Rae.

Chloe turned around “He does now!”

“So Finny-boy will you do me the honor of being joint best man with Archer?” Chop asked, in an unusually nervous tone.

“Course I will”. Finn quickly moved round the table and jumped on Chop ruffling his hair squeezing his body between Chop and Archie.

Talk of the wedding filled the next few minutes. Archie and Dan were discussing the cut of the suits and Chop was bending Finn’s ear on the music. They were interrupted by a change in tempo of the music and Rich’s voice on the mic.

“So people, he’s not here to play a set but who’d like to hear from one of the best DJs around - Finn Nelson from No Crap FM.”

Finn grimaced as the others patted him on the back.

“Go on Finn” Chop patted him on the back.

“Come on….just a couple of tunes” asked Dan.

“Oh dunno, what about Rae?” said Finn biting the inside of his cheek.

“She’ll be fine mate…..go on”. Said Archie.

For a fleeting second, it registered that his friends were being unusually insistent, when normally they were very respectful of his need for privacy and downtime. As he walked up to the DJ booth, he saw Rich dancing and smiling and he shook his head. Fuck knows what he was going to play; he had no idea what tunes Rich had stacked up there.

“Hey …better make this a stonking set…”

“Set?”

“Nah just a few tracks Nelson….I’ve chucked a load of your favourites down there….you know the Spice Girls and Take That.”

“Fuck off…”

Finn started his set with an old favourite; New Order’s Blue Monday. From there he focussed in on the music in the way it always drew him in, so much so that he wasn’t aware of anything else, including the heaving dancefloor. He looked up 10 minutes in and caught Rae Chloe and Izzy dancing and laughing arms in the air and he knew he wanted to play on. They all deserved a good night out.

He was having so much fun trying to mix the tracks that he’d lost track of time and it was only Rich’s hand on his arm gesturing him for the mic that broke the trance.

“So people I think Nelson here has played an epic set…let’s show a bit of appreciation…and”

Rich was drowned out by tumultuous applause, foot stomping, screaming and whistles. In the end Finn grabbed the mic

“So do ya want to hear some more then?” He laughed at the racket in the club and quickly threw on the Roses’ Begging You.

Finn played a couple more tracks and realised he was shattered. He picked up the mic “Thank you people…I’m done…this was meant to be a quiet night out for me….” He laughed as the applause and whistles once again filled the club.

Rich brought him a pint as the usual DJ took over again.

“Come on Nelson, my office” he said with a wink.

“But Rich….I just wanna hang out with me girl.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer” and with that Rich grabbed Finn’s hand and pulled him along gently.

When they got into the office, Finn was dumbfounded to be met by Steve James and Pete Tong all sat there drinking. He took a minute to compose himself and suddenly a myriad of small things made sense - why James had actively encouraged to take the night off, why Steve had suggested they come out here, why his mates had so strongly encouraged him to play.

He finally brought his gaze up from his shoes and stopped biting his cheek.

“Brilliant set Finn” said Pete.

“Classic Nelson…. fuckin’ classic” said James

“I still can’t get over the way you seem to have a feel for anything and everything” said Steve. “You should have heard him playing Northern Soul the other week.”

“Oh I heard it alright” said James.

Rich closed the door.

“Umm Finn “

Finn looked at him, he was pushing his tongue against the back of his front teeth, something he did when he was uncertain or appraising things ; “So what can I do for you gents?” he said.

“Well ….we had this idea….”

Between them all they spilt out the somewhat crazy idea that they had been formulating. How James and Pete both had a load of mates that liked to get out of London at the weekend but there was nowhere with the right type of music without going as far as Manchester. James had mate near by who owned a large country house….the idea was that Finn would play the Dolly on Friday and Saturdays with the Saturday night slot being broadcast live on No Crap FM.

Once a month he would play at James’ friend’s house. Pete had added in he’d like him to play a couple of weeks in Ibiza periodically suggesting that it could be a holiday opportunity for Rae and Grace. Steve had also offered him a regular evening slot for Mondays and Tuesdays.

Finn had started to laugh nervously at this point. He was trying to fathom out how he was going to fit all of this in with his existing schedule. He must have wrinkled his brow in concentration as he felt Rich’s arm round his shoulder.

“What’s up? Thought it might make your life easier?”

Finn looked quizzically at Rich. “Hang on…. you’re all going to have to run that past me again.”

Finn finally understood that his week would be more manageable with only one midweek trip down to London, with Manchester being a possibility if he wanted it, two nights on NO Crap FM and the weekend playing locally at The Dolly. He would also be paid pretty well compared to what the local radio station offered him and what the local club had paid him.

“Hang on..I don’t get it….The Dolly’s really small, I mean …”

Rich laughed “Decided not to renew the lease didn’t I! Taken over a warehouse on the edge of town, plannings been a nightmare but we’re there now.”

“Oh so a new club then?”

“Yeah sort of but it’s all going to be fun, not mainstream…word will soon spread especially with this team of backers. ” Rich gestured at Steve, James and Pete.

“What you going to do then Rich?”

“Manage the club you daft twat. I want to be staying around now…well you know”.

Finn was smiling, he was more than grateful but his brain was taking its time visualising all the new scenarios and wondering how he was going to tell Rae. He hoped she’d be pleased and then wondered if she knew already. It was all a bit confusing and he was grateful when James pushed a tumbler of single malt into his hand. Some what incongruously he downed it in one.

“Steady on son….that’s Laphroaig”

“Tastes of T.C.P…..” said Finn with a grimace on his face.

“Can’t take you anywhere can we Nelson, now where’s that beautiful girl of yours?” Said Steve a grin on his face.

Rich brought the girls and the gang in. Finn was so overwhelmed that he couldn’t manage to spit his words out and Steve had had to explain it all. The gang of friends had all whooped and hollered; they already knew the gist of the news but Finn being resident DJ at a new club with such amazing backing was going to be pretty incredible and just what he and Rae needed.

Rae saw Finn was looking somewhat lost and she realised  that he needed a few minutes peace to process the news. So she quietly pulled him out of his pack of friends towards the rear exit. Checking there was nobody watching, she opened the door and let them out into the cool night air.

Rae pulled Finn into a hug and then leant back to look at Finn. He was still chewing on his bottom lip, slight frown playing on his forehead. His eyes were full of concentration, bewilderment even as he mulled things over.

“Finn, you ok?”

He looked at her and bit his lip again. “It’s just …..I mean…..it’s a lot to take in…..they must think I’m ok I suppose…”

“‘kin hell Finn; you’ve no idea have ya…..” she kissed him on the forehead, “You’re probably one of the best Finn…it may not all be my taste but Jesus can ya play. The whole place was lovin’ it tonight Finn - most of them were from London….you know you’ve got it boy.”

His head snapped up as he heard her last word.  “What d’ya say girl?”

“You heard me Nelson….I’m not going to repeat myself ……boy.”

“You flirtin’ with me?”

“Me, flirt with you?” Rae said eyes wide in mock indignation.

“You know you are”. Finn said and pushed her gently into the wall his hand finding her cheek and his lips crashing into hers with an almost ferocious intensity. Rae gasped as his tongue found its way into her mouth his leg parted hers. The kiss was so passionate that Rae felt all her senses heighten; his gentle touch was driving her wild and she groaned into the kiss pushing back against him. She gasped as he ground his hard-on into her, feeling that familiar tingling in her knickers.

“I don’t think they’ll be out there Chop.”

“Bet those fuckers are…. you know what Nelson’s like” Chop could be heard responding.

“….oh Jesus…..please..” said Archie “Christ that’s nearly as bad as the time we all shared a bed” he added.

Finn grunted in frustration and Rae began to laugh.

“Right there’ll be no more of that on my watch ….I’m not being responsible for mini Nelson mark II.” said Chop

“Fuck off Chop” said Finn.

*******************************************************

It had been Chop’s idea originally but all the gang were keen to get involved particularly after Finn had explained to Archie over a pint that Rae was still refusing to buy Grace anything even though the nurses had tactfully taken him to one side and explained that Grace was likely to come home in a week or so, especially now Rae was starting to feed her.

The gang all sat round Rich’s house one evening, most of Rich and Chloe’s stuff had gone to their new flat such that it was quite empty.

“So I think we need to get this place ready for them” said Chop.

“Oh that’s such a lovely idea” chimed in Izzy.

It was Archie who decided the upstairs carpet in Finn’s old room needed replacing. He and Dan volunteered to pay for that and they would paint the room themselves first in a neutral shade.

Chloe put herself in charge of furnishing the nursery - James had given her a very generous cheque which would easily cover the cost of the furniture and quite a lot else for the house besides.

Izzy had decided she would pretty up Finn and Rae’s bedroom. Rich and Chop were tasked with sorting out downstairs. Rich had bought a new sofa for Finn and Rae because he couldn’t bear to part with his old one. It had way too many memories and was just too comfortable.

They started one week day evening by emptying Finn’s old room. Dan, Archie and Izzy started the painting. Chop brought the van around to move the last of Rich and Chloe’s stuff over to their new flat whilst Chloe sorted through a few boxes of kitchen stuff. seeing if there was anything they could leave. She really didn’t want to leave the place bare, it needed to be a functioning home without Finn and Rae having to sort it out at such short notice. In the end she decided to call Gary.

Gary was proud to be included in the plans. He sorted through his kitchen to come up with a full set of crockery and cutlery for the house. He, in turn, called Linda and between them they rummaged up a number of pots and pans and serving dishes and cookware. Karim had insisted on buying a television and dvd player.

Steve came round with a special unit for Finn’s vinyl. It took up the entire wall in the front room. He and Gary collected as much Finn’s vinyl collection as possible trying not to give the surprise away.

After several late nights, both bedrooms had received a lick of paint and the spare room had a new carpet. Chloe had bought new curtains for Grace’s room. It had taken several hours of Rich, Chop, Dan and Archie all swearing and cursing putting together the cot, the chest of drawers and the wardrobe. They had all ended up in the pub drowning the nights frustrations in a sea of lager with the girls on white wine spritzers.

Chloe and Izzy had gone on a massive shopping spree in the end. Chloe bought Rae some funky tops for feeding Grace, clothes for Grace, cushions for all the rooms, rugs and plants. Izzy bought two dreamcatchers one for each bedroom; she really wanted everything to go well for the pair and particularly, did not want them burdened with the difficult memories associated with Grace’s birth and somehow she had felt buying the dreamcatchers was important. Izzy had also found some stained glass style stickers for Grace’s window with rainbows on them. She had chosen them because she remembered having some just like them as a child.

It had been Gary who’d brought the final piece to the house. A rocking chair that had belonged to his mother - Finn’s nan. It was a bit battered but had the advantage of having small rockers such that it would fit in the modestly sized two bedroom house.

******************************************

Although Finn had both known and accepted that Grace would most likely be coming home in the next week, the day the nurses took him to one side to ask him to explain to Rae that they’d like her to stay in and feed Grace for 2 days before she could be discharged, nonetheless hit him pretty hard and left him in a state of mild shock.

He had grown comfortable and confident caring for Grace on the ward; a place which he realised represented safety and security in the end. There was always someone on hand to help if you were unsure, someone to confirm Grace was really ok and someone making sure both he and Rae were coping. He knew without having to think it through at length, that their security blanket was going to be taken away and he’d have to rely on that tree within him to keep him rooted, stable and balanced no matter what was to come to pass.

His deepest fears were related to how Rae would cope with the change. He still perceived her as fragile, having suffered such a severe physical trauma followed by the most harrowing emotional impact of the realisation of what had happened and what had irretrievably been stolen from her. It was her body now; the one she had disliked, the one that had nearly taken her life and that of her unborn child; that had somehow performed a miracle and was due to sustain that beloved child. He wondered how Rae felt about that. He had been heartened how she’d been so thrilled that she had been able to produce the milk to sustain Grace.

Rae continued to surprise him in her courageous and self-assured feeding of Grace. It was the one time when she wasn’t shy about her body, in fact, she was proud of it. He loved her new found affinity for her body and the deep bond this time spent with Grace had created. He’d watched her feed Grace, and he would have been lying to say he wasn’t in the slightest part jealous of that time that they spent quietly together, Rae ably fulfilling all Grace’s needs.

What confounded him further was Rae’s reaction to the news of Grace’s likely homecoming. She’d been overjoyed, happy, relaxed even. She’d been the one to suggest that they call Rich and discuss the house, as she wasn’t sure when Chloe and he were due to move out. She’d said she wasn’t sure whether Chloe was being deliberately vague or whether she was just being hormonally paranoid.

He’d had to work hard at persuading Rae to go and visit the house with him as Rich had insisted, so that she could tell him what she wanted to be done, what needed to be bought. Rae had been desperate to start the 48 hours in hospital and hadn’t wanted the clock to start ticking the next day but in the end she had understood how important her input on it was to him and reluctantly she had agreed to come. They’d finished their visit with Grace on a good note having discovered she was now 5 lbs 10 and nearly at her due date. Finn still thought she was a wee dot but the nurses had seemed pleased with her progress.

They’d arranged to meet Rich at the house at 6, ostensibly to give him and Finn time to go out to work in The Dolly. As Finn’s key had turned in the door, there was total silence in the house. Rae subsequently realised she should have known something was afoot from this alone.

Finn had turned on the light as they walked into the front room and he’d stopped dead in his tracks when he looked at the enormous shelves housing vinyl on the far wall of the room. He’d been further perplexed when he’d walked over and started thumbing through the LPs to discover they very much looked like his. What’s more there were pictures on the wall that he was sure he’d seen before. He shook it off as a combination of being tired and being back in the house after staying with his dad for a couple of weeks.

It was only when they went through to the living room, that his mind finally began to process what might have happened; for there were a collection of pictures on the wall; some of him and some of Rae with their families. Most telling of all were three photos on the side framed in silver: one of him and his nan, one of Rae holding Grace and one of him holding Grace down his shirt. He was so focussed on these pictures and the memories attached to them that he’d never looked around the room to consider what else might have changed.

Before he knew it Rae’s arms were around him and she was whispering in his ear that it was ok, he didn’t need to cry. At that moment the lights were switched on in the kitchen. His friends all joining in to form a circle around Finn and Rae. It had been Archie and Rich that had got him going again as if he’d been stuck in circle of thought and reflection. Rae had dragged him upstairs and it was her jaw that had dropped when they saw the fully furnished nursery.

He’d been in an utter daze at this point and had seen Rae hugging her friends; Chloe pointing out what she’d chosen. He’d been the one to ask about the dreamcatcher on the wall and had noticed Izzy’s blush as she explained what dreamcatchers were for. He’d hugged her close and whispered his thanks in her ear, not wanting to draw Rae’s attention to his state.

When they’d finally got downstairs and thanked everyone, Archie and Dan had yet another surprise as they’d revealed the freezer was stocked with home cooked meals in portions. Dan had explained how his sister had had a baby a couple of years before and how tired she’d been and how he’d cooked for her and her husband. Finn had hugged him too and thanked him profusely. He’d underrated Dan in the past considering him only to be a friend on the basis he was in a relationship with Archie. He’d dismissed him as a sharp dressing bright guy that he had absolutely nothing in common in with. He wondered how many other people he’d got wrong.

Izzy then produced a steaming casserole out of the oven in a dish Rae recognised as having belonged to her mum and she snorted loudly and burst into peals of laughter at the site of the patterned 1970s dish. They all shared a meal eating on knees between the kitchen and living room. Of course, Chop had been the one to produce the beers. It had been well past 9 when Finn realised both he and Rich should be at the Dolly, however, the surprise had lost its punch this time and it had been a wry smile that graced his face when he realised that he’d never actually been expected to work that night.

Rae and Finn never made it upstairs in their new home that night. All their friends had stayed for one final night; duvets pillows and sleeping bags strewn across the living room floor. Finn remembered that dark night when he’d felt that his world was imploding into darkness when all his friends had supported and stayed with him in this exact room. This time, he’d drunkenly ended up telling everyone he loved them before sliding under the duvet and spooning Rae until he’d fallen asleep.

They’d all woken in a tangled heap in the morning, Chop moaning about his head, Dan rushing off to work and Archie with his usual curse of feeling like some creature had taken a piss on his soul. Chloe, Rae and Izzy had hogged the bathroom. He and Rich had lazed around knowing full well they didn’t have to be anywhere in particular, in any hurry. In the end, Chloe had dropped Rae off at the hospital on her way to work.

He and Rich had been left alone drinking coffee and contemplating life. They had started off on quite a light hearted note discussing the previous nights fun, then things had moved onto work. Rich was so thoroughly energised by the thought of the new club that Finn couldn’t help but be affected by it. It had taken him a while to realise it but he was ecstatic at the thought of the new club and having much more control over his working life. No more local radio, no more shifts in the record store - he’d miss that though.

Somehow the conversation had moved on to matters more emotive, more difficult and haunting.

“Finn mate, I think….you’re probably not going to like me for suggesting this but I think you really need to make that appointment to talk to someone….about what happened that night….I think it might just help ya a bit.”

Finn chewed on his lip and considered this.

“I…suppose”

“Look, I know ya’re not a great one for talking but letting these things fester …..it just makes them harder to deal with in the long run….trust me.”

Finn lifted his eyes to search his friend’s face. “You mean you….”

“Yeah….after James…..I should’ve gone sooner …..it was months after Emma left in the end. It seemed like a bit of a waste of time to start with but somehow and I don’t really know how, I felt just a bit better in myself…..talking’s not just for girls you know.”

Finn smiled “You’re right. I know I should….Rae’s alright made an appointment for herself so …well …yeah…I will…….and thank you Rich.”

“You don’t need to thank me, honestly.”

“But I do….you’ve done so much…..you’ve been there when …..when I thought my life would….when I thought everything was lost …..and you’ve been there when Rae couldn’t and ….I ….I”

Rich smiled at Finn and pulled him into a hug “You’ve listened to me too Nelson…..brothers?”

“Aye brothers.”

Rich placed a kiss on Finn’s hair but when Finn tried to kiss Rich back the two ending up wrestling on the floor, tickling and fighting each other until they were both completely worn out, lying on their backs gasping for breath.

“Nelson you are such a childish bell-end sometimes.”

“So speaks the man who watches cartoons when he’s hungover.”

“Rich…….can I….I mean could I ask one final favour?”

Rich was about to snigger and make a joke when he realised the tone of Finn’s voice was not jovial or light-hearted, instead it was a little nervous, hesitant even. So he nodded.

“It’s just I…..well you know Rae’s got to stay in with Grace for the next two nights and I….well…”

“Do’you want some company then?”

“Aye…..”

“Alright then. No snoring mind.”

So it came to be that Finn and Rich spent two more nights sharing a bed. Rich knew Finn hated being in the house on his own and that was something he would have to work through in the fullness of time. He also knew he was going to miss the bond formed between them as things would change dramatically when Grace came home and deep down he also knew he wanted to become a father again. He would always carry James in his heart but he was ready to try again now, that was if Chloe was ready. She’d hinted but he wasn’t sure whether she really meant it.

On the morning when Grace was due to come home. Finn and Rich awoke in a tangled mess. Finn’s laughter had woken Rich.

“What the fuck Nelson…what is so fucking funny?”

“Well fer starters you’ve given me a dead arm…you know you’re fucking heavy don’t ya?”

Rich sleepily opened his eyes and saw that he was actually lying on Finn’s arm and as he moved to free it he realised their legs were completely entwined.

“Oh bollocks….were you snuggling up to me Nelson…I know you can’t resist?”

“Yeah right….I think you were cuddling me.”

As they rolled apart Rich felt something and then he grimaced at Finn.

“Nelson please tell me that wasn’t…”

Finn bit his lip. “Er sorry ……I bet you have as well though.”

Rich burrowed his hand under the covers “Guilty as charged…oh well….probably a good thing you’re going to have Rae back tonight….don’t want you mistaking me for her.”

“Fuck off…as if…..you are woefully inadequate in the chest department for starters….”

They both chuckled a bit and then a small silence ensued before Rich broke it:

“You miss them don’t you…even though you know you’re going to see them in a couple of hours.”

Finn nodded and bit his lip. “Yeah it’s daft isn’t it.”

“Nah…you love both of them with everything in you don’t you?”

Finn nodded “But how….”

“It’s written all over your pretty face…..Nelson….now  are you going to make me a cup of tea?”

  
  


********************************************************************************

Finn had been very nervous going to the hospital, just in case something had happened, anything had happened that meant Rae and Grace would not be home that night. But all was well, Grace had fed independently for 48 hours now. She was doing very well.

There were a number of medications that she needed to take and he and Rae had to demonstrate they were competent in understanding both their purpose and administration. They also had to learn how to resuscitate a baby. That was the point when the fear had really kicked in for Finn, but then he relaxed as he saw how Rae was calmly taking everything in.

There had been tearful farewells with the nurses and particularly with Finn’s favourite night sister. All the nurses had a soft spot for the devastatingly handsome Mr Nelson but the sister had actually got to know him a little and had a huge admiration and pride for how he had coped in the horrific circumstances, and how he had become a confident and loving father who cared so deeply for his daughter. Finn had struggled to say goodbye, he knew he would miss the unwavering support and all the help and advice that he had personally received. He promised that they would come back and visit with Grace and also took a list of track requests for the No Crap FM show.

After a short car journey, they had arrived back at their little house. As Finn opened the door, Rae reflected on how it really was their house now, not Rich’s house that they were living in but their house; full of their belongings but also theirs to make their own memories to last a lifetime in.

But the house had been silent and uncomfortable for a while and Rae’s nerves had finally kicked in now the much longed for and anticipated homecoming was finally a reality. Somehow Finn had instinctively known what to do and had switched his turntable on and put on Tea for the Tillerman.

Finn had brought the moses basket down from their bedroom and Rae had gently laid Grace in it, while Finn made a pot of tea. Linda and Gary had joined them supper, Linda having made her famous hotpot with red cabbage. Rae had ended up feeding Grace during pudding which had made Finn smile. He wondered how many meals were going to be spent with Grace either feeding or on one or other of their laps.

That night they settled Grace into her moses basket next to their bed.

Finn had been quite overcome with the moment and had ended up in Rae’s arms.

“Shussh Finn it’s okay…it really is. We’re both home now, here with you, where we belong. You don’t need to worry anymore…”

“But Rae…..it’s just ya’re both so precious to me, so unbelievably precious that I’m never gonna stop worrying….”

“That’s because you love us you dickhead…..and we both love you so much too….Finn I still don’t know how you coped in those early days but you did because you’re amazing and strong despite what you may think…. And if you must know I think I am the luckiest woman alive to be Grace’s mother and to have you at my side…..how could I ever need or even want more….I love you with everything in me…” she paused to reflect on her use of the words he had spoken to her barely a couple of weeks ago.

“You….Miss Rachel Earl….are my heart, my breath and you and Grace form my only thoughts.” Finn reflected Rae’s own words back to her.

He pulled her in close and they shared a gentle kiss, Rae sighed and he knew she was tired and needed to sleep.

“Goodnight Mrs Nelson, we’re going to need our sleep now aren’t we?” he said bopping her on the nose with his finger.

“Oi you…..I suppose we are…” and Rae snuggled her head against Finn’s chest  with a contented sigh and laced her fingers between his.

Finn knew Rae’s descent into sleep had been almost instantaneous. He leant forward and placed a kiss in her hair and levered himself up to gaze on his sleeping daughter once more.

He knew sleep would not come easily to him that night but that didn’t matter anymore. His girl was snuggled in tight against him. Hie beautiful daughter was safely asleep in the room. He had waited and longed for this moment for so long and now the much anticipated had arrived, he wasn’t so sure how he felt about it. It certainly wasn’t anti-climatic or under-whelming in anyway.

That’s when it came to him, it was the exact opposite, it was so devastatingly amazing that his wish was complete, something that had been inconceivable just a few weeks ago, that his brain simply couldn’t process the magnitude of it all. His lips formed a wry smile and he once again wondered how they got to this point, how they had travelled this far. One night of earth shattering passion and tension had been the beginning but he reasoned neither could have ever envisaged the path they had had to tread through misunderstandings, misgivings ,fear,  joy and love.

They had come through the intensity of the catastrophic events, not unscathed but changed. Probably changed for the better he mused. He’d struggled and fought with his emotions and at one point they’d threatened to overcome him but he’d finally found a way of vocalising them using his strength, his friends and his family to aid him.

At the time he’d been afraid that his need for others’ help emotionally as well as practically was a sign of weakness but he mused it was in fact the opposite: asking for help was an indication of strength. Once again he focussed on that which had given him so much strength and he pictured that tree inside him: the roots his family, the trunk his relationship with Rae the branches his friends, the leaves his music and the blossom was Grace.

He knew there would inevitably be further struggles and difficult paths to tread ahead of them. But right now he was thankful -  for not all stories have happy endings, but at that moment theirs did. And he felt his love for his girls surge through him, flooding his being in unceasing waves. He smiled and stretched for the radio next to the bed, switching it on quietly. He closed his eyes and sleep took him.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not one for giving lengthy backgrounds but I really wanted to share my inspiration for this. There is a scene in the third and final episode of This is England ‘88 where Lol is stood outside a Church. That scene forms part of a very dark sequence in that show. But there was something I wanted to capture in it - the freezing, winter night, the empty streets, the lights and sounds coming from the Church.  
> And so a scene formed in my mind. And from that single scene I managed to write this. Technically, it’s not the best thing I’ve ever written and it’s still pretty intense - because let’s face Airwaves Finn and Rae have had a hell of a year. But I let this one write itself as I free wrote the rest of the chapters. I really can’t let these dickheads go! oh and SMUT ALERT.  
> I wish you all a wonderful Christmas, and if not wonderful I sincerely hope each and every one of you finds some peace, however small it may be.

Rae pulls her coat tighter around her to try and keep some of the freezing night air out. It’s only 6pm on Christmas Eve but a heavy frost had already set in. She was being careful where she set her feet as the pavement had not been well gritted and at best it was a little slippery and at worst, treacherous.

It felt somewhat strange leaving Finn behind at Gary’s settling Grace down for the night, but he had insisted that she go out and join, Chloe Izzy, Archie Dan and Chop for a meal. Rich would pick up Finn from having opened the club and then they’d join the group for post meal drinks in the pub.

As she walks past all the houses with their Christmas lights emanating a warm glow out onto the cold dark street, her mind involuntarily wanders back to this time last year. A very different time, when she had been pregnant but not known it, so could not have understood that the combination of her hormones, Finn’s inability to express himself and her lack of self-confidence was a disastrous one that had doomed them both to a very unhappy Christmas.

A wry smile forms on her lips when she realises that had anyone told her last Christmas that in a year’s time she would be both happily in a relationship and living with Finn in their own home, let alone mother to their daughter, well she would have laughed in disbelief. She ponders the year that has passed, which, whilst in some respects may have been the happiest year of her life,  was probably also the most fraught, filled with difficult and distressing experiences.

Yet she knows there is no merit in wasting time dwelling on the could-have-beens. Both she and Grace survived and they both recovered. Nonetheless, she physically feels an ache when she recalls the doctors appointment, barely forty eight hours ago, which had confirmed what they both already knew deep-down even if they had not yet admitted it consciously. She and Finn knew the reason Grace had yet to sit unaided was because of the weakness which she seemed to have down one side.

She’s aware of the discussions they had knowingly had over the last couple of months, infused with false confidence, where they had agreed it was all down to prematurity, long after it was clear that it was unlikely to be the real reason. She knows Finn’s found it exceptionally hard to face the diagnosis and that’s the real reason why he insisted on putting their daughter to bed when Gary was more than capable. Finn’s default position with Grace is always to be fiercely over-protective and she loves that. On reflection, she comprehends that’s his stance with her too and another smile forms on her face.

She knows that family time is sacred for him and he’d fight to ensure that nothing impinged on the sanctity of their home and time together. She can’t help but briefly relive the time some journalist, who had been desperate to do a feature on Finn being more than just a DJ for a lifestyle magazine, had tried to hunt him down, not comprehending that Finn simply would never been convinced to agree to the feature. It had all come to a head when he’d eventually tracked  them down in a local park with their friends one day, Grace had been lying on the picnic rug happily kicking her feet. As soon the journalist introduced himself and asked if Grace was his daughter, he’d lost it completely. It had taken both Rich and Chop to restrain him in the end.

Her mind returns to recent events and to a large degree, she’s surprised by how philosophical she’s been about the diagnosis - it was mild after all and she knows she’ll be eternally thankful for Grace’s life, so in comparison to what could have been, this seems just another challenge. Grace had so far presented them with a number of challenges - being so small she’d needed feeing three hourly around the clock for several weeks, there had been seemingly endless sleepless nights, her first illness, the first readmission to hospital, the fact she was always small for her age…. But her beautiful smile and her laughter made the whole world light up, in a way Rae could never have imagined before.

She hopes that Finn has talked to Rich about these things; those two were so close…they really were brothers. She smirks at the memory of her and Chloe having found them tangled up on the futon deep in sleep this morning. Chloe had invited herself over for a night in as being the Friday before Christmas Rich would be working until early morning at the new Dolly and Finn was DJ’ing. They’d had a few sleepovers like this recently, mostly initiated by Chloe.

For some reason they’d ended up watching TV in her bed and Chloe had fallen asleep and not made it downstairs to sleep on the futon. It had been no real surprise to find Finn and Rich fast asleep at 8 am, all tousled hair and dark bags under their eyes. She and Chloe had taken pity on the pair and left them to sleep whilst they took Grace for breakfast at a cafe. On their return, she’d put Grace down for her morning nap and woke Finn to explain she and Chloe were doing some last minute shopping and left the baby monitor by the futon.

When she and Chloe had returned, they had been greeted by an adorable scene: Grace was lying on her back kicking her feet in pleasure right in the middle of the futon between Finn and Rich who were both singing to her. Chloe had suddenly become rather emotional when Rae had mentioned that Rich would make an excellent father and Rae instinctively knew why. She’d spirited Finn and Grace away upstairs on some flimsy pretext. Finn had been exceedingly grumpy at having to leave the warm bed, however his mood dissipated as quickly as it had arrived when he heard the whoops of joy coming from downstairs.

Chloe had told them that she was 3 months pregnant. She and Finn were elated for their friends and there had been a lot of hugging and shrieking and tears of joy all round. But the lengthy hug and quiet words exchanged between Finn and Rich had not escaped her. She mutters another  a silent prayer for Chloe and Rich and their unborn child her breath freezing in the cold air.

She realises that she’s been so deep in thought that she’s already walked into the centre of town and is only 5 minutes walk from the pub. She smiles and is grateful for this evening out when neither of them a working, quite the rarity these days. She’s grateful that Gary talked her into leaving Grace with him that first night a few weeks back and since then, she’s managed to DJ with Finn on No Crap FM for the last 3 weeks.

She reaches the familiar lights and sign and she opens the door the to pub and walks in.

*******************************************

Finn finished bathing Grace and switched the radio on in his old bedroom. He sat on the bed and cuddled her close against his chest. He started to lull his precious daughter to sleep singing quietly along to Oasis in his slightly gruff cracked tone. He could feel that Grace was dropping off against him but he was reluctant to put her down in her cot, he just wanted to hold her a little longer.

He can’t help but reflect on the fact that this is their first Christmas together as a family and considers the sheer magnitude of what this means to him and his mind wanders back and he recalls the events of the last day.

It was a very late Friday night, well more of an early Saturday morning to be precise, when he had finished his set at the New Dolly and he and Rich found themselves making their way home on foot. It had been absolutely bitingly cold: frost thick on the ground.

“Fuck Nelson that was the mother of all sets tonight.” Rich had said, his breath freezing in the air as he spoke, leaving a smoke like trail.

“It weren’t bad were it?…. bloody heaving tonight though.” he had replied.

“I think most of them were probably James’ mates. His mate’s house is going to be rammed tomorrow any rate.” Rich had chuckled and then slung his arm casually around Finn’s shoulders.

“You….my boy have earnt the night off tomorrow”.

“But….but it’s Christmas Eve - a massive night out. Club needs a DJ doesn’t it?” He hadn’t understood.

“That it is Finny-boy, and it will probably be one of the busiest nights of the year. However,you and I are going to have the night off and go to the pub with our girls and friends.” His friend had replied.

He recalls how he had  then tried to light a cigarette, but his fingers had been shaking in the cold, and were so numb it had taken several attempts to get the lighter to work. He had needed three or four deep drags to allow him the time to compose his thoughts before speaking.

“You can’t shut the club Rich…that’s… that’s ridiculous…”

“Who said anything about shutting the club Nelson? I’ve found a DJ who’s more than happy to play, so that you can spend your first Christmas with that beautiful daughter of yours awake at a sensible time for once and not shattered.”

He had frowned. “But won’t the punters be disappointed if it’s not ..” Finn had struggled to phrase his sentence, not wishing to sound arrogant or big headed “if it’s not the DJ who was billed.”

“They won’t be disappointed this time - trust me. This DJ’s bloody, bloody good.”

He had been completely bewildered by this as well as being a little put out.

“God sometimes Nelson I have to wonder what, if anything, is in that head of yours….it’s Pete you bell-end.” Rich had said jovially and he’d felt his friend ruffle his hair.

Finn remembers the feeling as the blush had spread across his face “Seriously he …he…”

“Yes he apparently has nothing better to do, so think no more on it.”

There had been a brief silence as Rich had lit a cigarette and the two had walked along.  He had pulled the collar of his coat up as a futile gesture against the cold.

“So you looking forward to Grace’s first Christmas then?”

“ ‘Course..” Finn remembers the silence as he had needed time to reflect on the past year and what it had brought.

“There’s a but in there Nelson isn’t there?”

Finn remembers the feeling of something pressing on his chest and how it had panicked him but he’d simultaneously felt comfort at the way his friend had instinctively understood that there was something he had needed to articulate before even he had comprehended his own intrinsic desire for expression.

He strokes Grace’s head ever so softly with his hand and remembers how he’d bitten his lip hard whilst he had tried to organise his thoughts sufficiently coherently to formulate spoken sentences about what exactly, had been, and still was, troubling him. It’s funny that he can recall the exact words he had used and in retrospect, they seem a little thin, a little insignificant.

“It’s just …well it’s my first first Christmas as a father and….well… I was thinking about Christmas as a child…you know this time of year seems to bring all sorts of memories back.”

He had continued to explain how his dad and nan had made Christmas particularly special for him after his mum had left. How important the family traditions of Christmas had been to him as a child and how he hoped to make Christmas magical and special for Rae and Grace, even though Grace would never remember this Christmas.

He recalls how he had lain himself bare to his friend and had finally voluntarily spoken of the traumas of the previous year. And he holds his daughter a tiny bit tighter remembering his next words to his friend.

“You know Rae broke up with me at Christmas last year…..I ….it was so painful….and she was pregnant even then but didn’t know it. It’s just been such a year…I…I….I could never have expected a year like this Rich. I still find it a bit overwhelming at times….I…I can’t believe how lucky I am…..you know when….when I nearly lost….my family before we’d even become a family…. and now I have my beautiful girls safely at home….it’s just” well…so amazin’

And I need ta thank ya Rich for…..for so much that I don’t even know where ta start….it’s been…”

A solitary tear had rolled down his cheek for the journey endured and another falls now as he remembers the embrace of his friend. A silent chuckle escapes his lips when remembers exactly how Rich had started his response:

“It’s alright little brother….come here you daft twat.

You’ve been there for me too Nelson, don’t forget that…. and you know the journey’s never over for any of us; time never stands still. We all have to keep living life and do those things are important to us; if the time’s right just seize the moment and make the most of every precious minute. But that doesn’t mean you keep measuring yourself up against perfection and waste time regretting stuff.”

He feels his heart start to speed up in his chest when the next part of the conversation comes to the forefront of his mind:

“Rich, why haven’t you asked how Grace’s appointment went?”

Rich had grimaced and sighed. “I …I knew you’d tell me when you were ready…..I take it ….I er”

“Yeah it’s confirmed.” Finn knows he had shrugged his shoulders at that point trying to effect that it was no big deal and he sighs knowing he was only trying to lessen the pain inherent in the words that had followed:

“Rae’s ….well…she’s just taken it all in her stride….I know we expected it….it’s clear she’s weaker down her right hand side …but….Jesus….I…I would have done anything you know… anything that she didn’t have to contend with this….I know it’s only mild b…b…but I feel I’ve let her down somehow.”

Finn drops a kiss on Grace’s head mirroring Rich’s instinctive physical response early that morning to his words before Rich had composed himself sufficiently to respond verbally.

“Shit I am sorry. But…you know Nelson, Grace couldn’t want for better parents.  You and Rae love her without thought or question as every child deserves to be loved and despite everything….you’re both so relaxed and ….well if I was child again…I’d want you two to be my parents….I mean you’ve got such great taste in music….”

Finn smirks remembering how he’d smacked Rich on the head:

“Sometimes you are such a sycophantic dick,….no need to take it that far.”

Rich had replied quietly “I actually meant it you knob.”

Finn had whispered in response “I know….but I can’t cope with all this serious shit right now…you..muppet.” with that he had ruffled Rich’s hair.

Finn remembers how he and Rich had tumbled into his house after play wrestling down the street. They had walked past the tree Rae had decorated with colourful lights, tinsel and salt-dough decorations she had made by pressing Grace’s small hand into the dough painting them and covering them in glitter.

They had crept upstairs and looked into the master bedroom where Rae and Chloe were both fast asleep, the door wide open. They had shared a look and a shake of the head before they had wandered towards the nursery. Finn had crept in and kissed his daughter on her head as she was sleeping and his friend had followed him. No words had been required to express what he had wanted to share with Rich and they had both watched Grace’s deep even breathing, in the warm, safe silence.

Finn swallows, a hard lump forming in his throat when he recalls the final words he’d spoken to friend before sleep had taken him.

“She’s just so perfect Rich, she’s so…….even now I can’t help but….that feeling it’s never gone Rich…never changed…never dimmed even….it’s just the same as when I first saw her…..sometimes I can’t believe she’s mine….how bloody lucky I am to have her and Rae….and it feels like my chest might burst with all that feeling and…..shit.what I am like ?It’s nearly 5 o’clock in the morning. …….fuck …better get some kip. Night.”

Finn allows himself one more song on the radio, accompanied by his near silent humming, Grace’s head now resting on his shoulder. He finally places her in the cot and drops yet another kiss on her head and strokes her cheek. He takes the baby monitor downstairs and gives it to his father with express instructions to call his mobile should the slightest thing happen.

He hears the knock on the door and asks Rich to come in. He’s got his coat and scarf on and they are about to leave when he realises he can’t resist and he runs up the two flights of stairs back to his old room. He peeks into the cot and that feeling suffuses him again, that feeling he’d felt when he’d first seen Grace with her dark tufts of hair. He once again feels overwhelmed by his love and the image of his tree flashes before him. He has stop himself from picking her up and instead settles for one final kiss.

********************************

As they start the walk into town, Finn realises that Rich never said a word about his self indulgent trip up the stairs to see Grace and he puts an arm around his friend partly in thanks and partly out of concern, for it its a rare occurrence for his friend to be neither talking music nor taking the mick.

“You alright? Thought you’d be well up for it tonight after this morning’s news?”

Rich bites his cheek and frowns.

“I…I….it’s ….fuck’s sake Nelson, I seem to have your problem can’t get two bloody words out when it’s something important….”

Finn walks closer to Rich and they bump shoulders. For once it’s his friend looking at the floor deep in concentration and Finn who’s looking on concern etched into his face.

“It’s just … I’m fuckin’ excited. I just can’t believe it.. not as if we were actively trying…..”

Finn notices Rich playing with the skin on his cuticles.

His voices is soft and quiet when it finally emerges “I..I’m scared….scared already..”

Finn innately understands that the inexorable source of his friend’s fear lies in an unchallenged, deeply ingrained and, as yet, unexplored grief. A loss that was almost too hard to bear, one that has scarred him to the core and one that also divested him of the one person who could have helped him begin to process what had happened. Finn puts a hand on his friend’s arm and when their eyes meet the distress is evident and so puts both his arms around him.

They make an incongruous pair; the shorter Finn comforting his taller and broader friend in his arms on a freezing night with the snowflakes beginning to fall. He places a kiss on his friend’s hair not caring who might see them or what they might think.

Eventually Rich looks up and Finn decides to speak.

“You know, whatever happens, whatever it is you’re feeling, I’m here for ya. You can come round, we can have a brew and play some tracks….. if you’re feeling particularly bad we can always go and nick some of Steve’s collection……..you and Chlo are always welcome to stay……. and you can talk to me anytime….I mean it…..even if it means we end up sharing a bed - provided you don’t snore again or poke me in the back with…”

Rich smiles “Fuckin’ love you Nelson….”

Finn swallows, remembering how just a few hours ago the tables were very much reversed. He then smiles and raises his eyebrows:

“Good thing ‘cos I fuckin’ love ya too” and he smirks.

They both start laughing and they recommence walking into town. Finn’s the one to start talking about music and the banter soon gets silly. He pauses for a second and reaches inside his coat to make sure the little box was still in there and he smiles to himself before quickly returning to the topic in hand. It’s really quite slippery underfoot and when they get onto the subject of Steve’s special collection again, he can’t help but show off a few moves, which has Rich doubled over. in laughter Rich tries to join in, both trying to outdo each other when they realise a small crowd has gathered and the pair end up in near hysterical laughter.

Neither of them has fully regained control by the time Rich pushes open the pub door.

***************************************************

“Finny-boy….. where have you been you knobhead”. Chop wanders up greeting them in his own inimitable fashion.

“So who’s gonna be the daddy then?” Chop says to Rich and Finn quickly glances at Rich, aware that the rest of the gang is not in the circle of trust. He notes the momentary dark flash in Rich’s eyes before a huge smile lights up his face….”Chop mate… I’ve always been the daddy…you lot are just rank amateurs…”

Rich starts laughing at Chop’s confused face and then says “If you’re asking who’s taking credit for getting Chloe up the duff…. you’d be looking at the right man.” And he winks.

Chop starts laughing and claps him on the back. Archie and Dan come to congratulate Rich and a group hug ensues.

Rae looks over at Finn and catches his eye and smiles softly. He returns the smile but she catches something in his glance that she doesn’t quite understand and she notices him slip to the bar.

She can’t help but watch him. She’s not surprised at the butterflies in her stomach when she catches sight of his beautiful in profile with its smattering of freckles and thick brows. Her breath catches in her throat as she sees his perfect arse as he leans on the bar one hand running through his messy hair. Her attention is brought back to the present by Chloe.

“So Rae…. I am so going to need to know what to expect…..I mean it’s …a bit scary isn’t it?”

Rae puts her hand on top of her friend’s.

“I know Chlo but it’ll be fine. You just need time to adjust and get used to the idea…..”

She frowns realising that she hadn’t already asked the obvious and wonders how crap a friend she’s been over the last few months.

“Erm Chloe….I know I should have asked you earlier but …how long have you known?”

Chloe smiles and blushes “Over a month.”

Izzy smiles and then pulls her scrunched up face “But you only told Rich…”

“Yeah. It’s …well I wanted to be in the second trimester - you know things are a bit safer and less risk of things going wrong….” Her voice becomes quieter towards the end of her words. She considers whether she should say something but Rae already knows and she knows she can trust Izzy.

“Izz…some years ago Rich’s ex-wife had a…..a baby born too soon…nothing they could do….he still finds it hard to talk about and I…I didn’t want him to get excited and for it to go wrong.”

Izzy gives Chloe a hug and Rae notices the tears in Chloe’s eyes.

“I’m still worried about how he’s going to cope….I mean I’m a nervous wreck already…..I …I know he talks to Finn sometimes and I just hope ….”

“It’s alright Chloe…what happened was really rare and also what happened to me….I know Finn and Rich talk….fuck knows what about….. but I know Rich has really helped Finn so it’s not all music…they’re pretty close…”

“Actually they were bloody close this morning.” Chloe says with a laugh and she glimpses Izzys quizzical look “I fell asleep in Rae’s bed last night, when we came downstairs this morning Rich and Finn were….well a bit tangled up.” She raises her eyebrow at Rae.

Rae laughs “Bloody wished I’d taken a photo. It was so funny and quite cute you know” she scrunches her nose as she remembers the scene when she feels Chloe’s palm on her forearm.

She follows Chloe’s eyes and sees Finn, still waiting to be served at the bar, only now some pneumatic blonde is trying to drape herself over him and Finn’s body language is stiff and he’s staring at the floor.

“Shall we go and save him Rae?” Izzy asks.

Rae smiles and shakes her head, surprised at her own self confidence. “There’s gotta be a downside to being as fit as Finn and that….” she says gesticulating towards the blonde “is it.”

The girls laugh and when Rae turns back around Finn is still waiting to get served, but in addition to the blonde, there are now two other girls surrounding Finn, his body is rigid and he’s shrinking back from their touch. She knows she’s far more confident than she used to be, however, this situation makes her feel a little nervous and uncomfortable as there are three girls. As she tries to work up the courage required to walk over there, she bites her lip and then feels a hand on hers.

Chloe looks at her concern in her eyes. “Don’t let them get to you Rae. He’s not interested and we all know that and ……”

“Please don’t’ cry Rae” says Izzy looking around to catch Chop’s eye.

Chloe feels a hand on her shoulder and by a single gesture, she’s able to tell her boyfriend what the problem is.

“Rae…. it’s ok Archie and Dan have it.”

Rae blinks and more tears fall. She watches as Archie and Dan shove in next to Finn and Archie puts a protective arm around Finn. One of the girls is most definitely snarling now and Dan puts his hand on Archie’s shoulder.

She can tell one of the girls is getting pretty vocal and she can tell from Dan and Archie’s reaction that it’s mostly directed at them. Finn’s turned to her now and it seems he’s not at all impressed. Rae sees Dan grasp Archie’s hand. The girl clearly takes offence at this and is pointing at the pair and gesticulating at Finn.

She looks again and watches as Rich walks up to Finn. One of the girls strokes Rich’s arm and she glances at Chloe who’s looking pretty livid. Rae stops Chloe from getting up as she really doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Chloe to be involved in any sort of confrontation.

The girls sit there and watch as Rich pulls Finn into a tight embrace. There is an almost imperceptible  pause as their eyes meet and Chloe detects Rich’s slight eyebrow raise. Suddenly Rich kisses Finn full on the lips. Rae’s jaw drops and then she turns to Chloe and the pair start laughing. They get up from their seats and are joined by Chop and Izzy and they make their way towards the bar.

“Oi what about me you two lovebirds….thought you’d leave me out did yous?” Chop asks.

Finn smirks at him “You asked for it” and he leans in and kisses Chop square on the mouth.

Chop smiles “You’re the daddy” he says at Rich and kisses him.

One of the girls pulls a face like she’s been sucking on a lemon. “That’s disgusting….please tell me you’re not all gayers then….is that why you’re not interested?”

Finn smirks “I’m afraid we’re all in love with each other pet….we have great orgies you know…and if the girls” he says motioning at Rae, Izzy and Chloe “are really good…well we sometimes let them them join in.”

“Oh my god….that’s gross” says her friend and Dan and Archie ignore her and kiss openly in defiance.

“Fuckin’ hell that should not be allowed in public…it’s not natural” says a third.

Rae’s had enough now she loathes confrontation and rude people, however, she can’t resist leaving without a comment.

“That’s why you’ll never be invited to any of our parties……you homophobic bitches….” she turns her back to the girls and faces her friends “So ladies and gents..anyone fancy accompanying me to the Seven Bells?”

Finn hears the tension in her voice and quickly pulls her against him. He can’t help but kiss her. What had been intended to be a fairly straightforward chaste kiss turns into a full blown outpouring of emotions, his hand gently on her face and his tongue most definitely exploring her mouth. It’s only when they break apart that he realises she has tears on her cheeks and he quickly and deftly manoeuvres them out of the pub.

They all make it to The Seven Bells safely. Chop and Archie are buying all the drinks and Rae goes to the ladies with Chloe and Izzy.

Finn sighs and walks outside needing the fresh air. He lights a cigarette and takes a deep long drag. He watches the smoke curl out of his mouth. As he takes his second drag, he sucks it in deeply and then watches the smooth train of smoke pass into the freezing air as he exhales. He’s completely lost in the observation of smoking when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Nelson… you ok?”

He turns to see Rich and he sighs. Rich taps a cigarette out of his own soft pack and grabs Finn’s Cigarette to light his off.

“Want to talk about it? Is it Grace?”

Finn shake his head. “Just….just …..fuck I can’t tell ya Rich.”

Rich frowns. “You know where I am am if you need to…” He breaks off and makes his way to walk back into the pub when Finn grabs him.

“It’s just ….. I’m shitting myself Rich.”

Rich’s expression conveys his utter bewilderment to Finn who realises that being this cryptic is getting him nowhere.

“What….what if she doesn’t want to… I think she might but maybe she doesn’t…”

Rich raises an eyebrow. “Nelson whatever it is ….just talk to Rae….you two are meant for each other…”

Finn bites his lip. “You really think so …..because I intend…I “

Rich hits his forehead with his hand as the meaning of Finn’s riddle dawns on him.

“Oh….right… say no more……you know if you were single and I wasn’t with Chloe…..I probably would.” He grins at Finn.

Finn slaps him on the arm. “Fuck off.”

“No I bloody well would….I’d be an idiot not to. Come here you prick.”

Rich pulls Finn into his arms and kisses him on the forehead “Face the fear and fucking do it anyway Nelson!” he exclaims.

Finn leans forward grabs Rich’s head and kisses him on the lips.

“Shit sorry…got a bit carried away there….got to stop doing that…people might talk.” He smirks.

Rich chuckles “I think you’ll find they probably already are.” He whispers in Finn’s ear.

Finn looks around and realises quite a few people are watching them and he wonders how the hell Archie and Dan cope if this is what happens all the time.

“Oh…sorry.” he whispers back.

“Like hell you are. Now stop sticking your fricking tongue in my ear otherwise I will have no option other than to snog you….and I’m telling you now…I think neither Rae nor Chloe will be particularly impressed.”

Finn laughs “Aye….that’d be asking for trouble….besides who says I’d let ya!”

With that he smirks at Rich and slaps him on the arse to give the audience a good show thinking what sanctimonious twats they are and walks back into the pub.

When the he gets back into the pub he walks up to Archie and Dan and puts an arm around each of them.

“I know I should have said this ages ago but you two are amazin’. Yous just are.”

Archie looks at Finn and then at Dan who shrugs and Archie smiles at Finn.

“You alright Finn?”

“Yeah…yeah think so…you seen Rae?”

Archie nods to his left. Finn smiles.

“You two doing anything special this Christmas?”

“We’re spending the day with Dan’s parents.”

Finn looks intently at Archie “Not seeing your parents then Archer?”

Archie shakes his head and grimaces.

“Oh shit.. they still not accepting it?”

Archie shakes his head “Mum does but dad..”

Fin draws Archie into a big hug and kisses him on the temple. “I am so sorry mate…you know we all think you two are just perfect together.”

Archie quietly replies in Finn’s ear “Thanks Finn, Means a lot, and for the record…you, Rae and Grace….fucking brilliant Finn…really proud of you.”

The two share a hug and Archie wanders off to talk to Izzy. Finn shuffles along to Dan.

“Dan mate….I don’t want to say the wrong thing ‘cos I’m sure ya’ve got it covered but I’m worried…it’s just Archer needs a good Christmas….I really think he thought his dad would…would ….I know he’s prick for not…but he’s still his dad and….”

Dan slings an arm round Finn in an unexpected gesture of affection. “Yeah I’ve got it covered Finn but thanks….and I know … look we both know I thought you were a bit of an idiot when you were dating Alice but ….Christ Finn…you and Rae are amazing and I’m utterly in awe of how you handled the whole thing with Grace….I got you wrong and I’m sorry…”

“You don’t need to be. I was a complete prick back then. Just look after Archie for me.”

Dan nods and the two hug briefly. Finn wanders over to Chop and he listens to Chops proclamations of love for Izzy and he smiles.

“Give Izzy a huge hug from me will ya.”

“You can’t go now it’s not even 10:30. Come on Finny-boy.”

Finn shakes his head. “Something I need ta do Chopper…”

“Nothing can be more important than spending Christmas Eve with yer mates and the wonderful Raemundo.”

Finn bites his lip and decides to say something but all that comes out is two words “Me nan..”

Chop inhales sharply and nods. “Happy Christmas mate …be sure to give Gracey a big kiss from her Uncle Chop and Aunty Izz.”

Finn nods and they clasp hands and shake before hugging.

Finn nervously wanders towards Rae, he worries that she might want to stay out and not accompany him on his ritual Christmas Eve trip. He realises this is probably the first year when he’s not been completely plastered. Images of him lying on his nan’s grave paralytic with drink two Christmasses ago flood his mind. Had it not been for Chop he would probably have spent the whole night out there, because Alice certainly hadn’t come to look for him. He shakes his head and refuses to think of it anymore.

He takes Rae’s hand in his but he can’t quite look at her yet, rae emotions still coursing through him.

She comes to a natural pause in her conversation with Chloe and Izzy and turns to him.

“Finn?”

He still doesn’t look up and she takes a step so that she is right next to him. “Finn?” she whispers in his ear and squeezes his hand.

When he doesn’t respond she walks him slowly away from the group winking at the girls so nobody realises that something’s amiss. When they are out of sight of the group, she kisses him on the cheek and pulls him in close.

“Rae.. I know…it’s meant to be a night out with your mates and everything but…but there’s something I …something I need ta do and …” He bites his lip hard.

“I’ll come with ya….I’m getting tired anyway. I ‘ll just go and say goodnight to the girls..meet you outside.”

He returns his smile and wanders out lighting a cigarette. When Rae joins him he grasps her hand tightly and they set off walking. He’s amazed that she’s not banging on about something like she normally does. As they turn towards the direction of the cemetery her hand grips his a little tighter and she places a kiss on his temple. She also walks a little closer to him.

“Lights are real pretty aren’t they Finn?” She says breath freezing in the cold air.

He nods and eventually find his voice “Grace’d love them.”

“That she would Finn.”

As they approach his nan’s grave, he drops Rae’s hand and she allows him to walk forward, She watches in silence as he bends down, placing a hand on top of his nan’s grave and starts to talk. She marvels at him allowing her into this ritual. But she can’t simply observe in silence when he falls to his knees head bowed. She runs over to him and throws her arms around him.

“I’m here Finn…it’s okay…it’s okay.”

He cries softly into her shoulder but the tears subside nearly as quickly as they came.

“Just askin’ me nan’s blessin’ that’s all girl….nothin’ ta worry about …promise ya.”

Rae frowns as he stands up. He takes her hand in his and whispers in her eye “I really want ta kiss ya girl but not here.” And with those words he leads out her out of the back gate of the cemetery towards an unfamiliar road.

Rae surmises this must be the way back to his dad’s house. She looks up at the sky and feels the first few flakes of snow starting to fall on the ground that is already glistening with the heavy frost.

As they’re walking along Rae can hear the faint noise of carols being sung and she stops to identify the source of the sweet sound. Finn turns to look at her and then he tugs her hand and walks her on towards the Church. The snow is really falling now. As they arrive, they see the light shining out into the night through the stained glass windows, not a soul is in sight.

“Midnight mass” he whispers and raises his eyebrows.

She shakes her head. “I…I just want to stand here a little longer Finn….. what a year it’s been …. you …you and Grace….you’re everything Finn.”

A tear rolls down her cheek and he pulls her tight against him for a few seconds before leaning back and using his thumb to trace the track of her tear.

“No tears girl…. I’m here and Grace is safe at home.”

She smiles at him and he surrenders to his innermost need and pulls her tight against him, his lips in her hair as the first strains of Silent Night echo through the darkness.

They listen clinging onto each other. Rae is softly singing in her high voice with its clear sweet tone and Finn is tenderly stroking her hair. They continue gently swaying swaddled in each other’s comforting embrace long after the music finishes.

As he eventually pulls back breaking the sacred peace and warmth of their entwinement, she sees the tears pooled in his eyes and she instinctively kisses him compassionately.

“It’s just insanely beautiful out here Finn. Everything Jack Frost has touched is sparkling and the way the light shines through the stained glass …well it’s heavenly, and just look at the snow Finn….it’s like every Christmas I ever dreamed of as a girl…..except I am stood here with the most incredible man, not only is he devastatingly handsome,  he is also a devoted father and an extraordinarily amazing boyfriend……even though his music taste can be a little dubious at times.”

“Oi……I think you’ll find it’s my beautiful girl, dedicated mother to my most precious daughter whose music taste most definitely strays inta the iffy category.”

“You so cannot say that…you bloody love Babylon Zoo you dickhead.”

“Nah Earl…you’re the dickhead.” And he bops her on the nose with his finger.

She mirrors the gesture which results in him tangling one hand in her hair and bringing the other up to cup her cheek. He kisses her with such a passion and so fervently she is left gasping, eyes wide.

As the opening strains of Tchaikovsky’s Crown of Roses radiate out into the bitter night, Finn thinks back to what Rich said. This is not what he had planned but there seemed no moment more perfect than this and he falls to knees in the snow.

Rae’s still staring at the church and it takes a her a few seconds to register where Finn is and she frowns down at him.

“You can’t be that pissed Finn can ya?”

He bites the inside of his cheek hard and takes a second to gather his thoughts because this had got to come out right.

“Earl….I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again….. I love ya with every last breath in me. Ya beautiful and amazin’ and ya gave me Grace….nah it’s more than that ya saved me and helped me see what I could be…ya make me a better person Rae……and ya have half decent taste in music…and….and  ya should know I’d love ya to be Mrs Nelson.”

Rae blinks whilst her mind tries to process what he’s saying. She intends to say something meaningful or profound but the only words that leave her mouth are “What d’ya mean I have half decent taste in music you dickhead….. “

Followed by “What the fuck are you doing on your knees?”

Finn bites his lip hard and his head drops. Bollocks, perhaps he should have stuck with the original plan. He’s shaking now and trying to sufficiently control the strong emotions coursing through him so that he can stand up.

“Hang on…Finn are you…..are you..? “ Rae’s legs feel like jelly and she kneels down next to Finn and takes his hand in hers which makes him gaze at her through his lashes.

“I……I…. had this whole show planned…..you know…..all the right tracks and….and I really thought I ….I had me speech sorted…….and I…I ..I… would….would ….ya….would ya…” he stutters.

He knows words have completely failed him now and he follows the only course of action left to him. He frowns and chews on his lip clasping the box in his pocket. He pulls it out trembling and presents it to her unable to open it himself.

Rae takes the box, brow furrowed. She fumbles and finally manages to open it. Her mouth hangs agape when she sees the contents.

“oh Finn…oh”

“You don’t like it?”

“Jesus no… I mean yes…I mean…fuck Finn it’s beautiful …..but how?”

“You know I played that all night private party a month ago…… well …it was for a friend of James’ and …well he’s a jeweller and he made this for ya.”

She nods and continues to stare at it.

He finds something deep within him again and the image of his tree once again comes to mind. The roots his father and nan, the branches his friends, Grace the pale pink blossom and Rae…Rae she’s the trunk. He takes a deep breath.

“May I?” He says taking the ring out of the box.

Rae is completely mesmerised as he slips the ring onto her finger. Suddenly she is effused with a passion that is so intense that it borders on being spiritual and she looks directly into his eyes and answers with a kiss.

It’s only after a couple of minutes of fierce kissing that Finn finally becomes aware that they are both on their knees, in the carpark of a Church on a stingingly cold Christmas Eve. And so he gently gets back onto his feet and stretches his hand out to her.

She flings her arms around him when she gets to her feet.

“So….does this mean I get to be Mrs Nelson.? For real?”

“What d’ya think ya numpty…. I meant it Rae…. I will love ya until my heart stops beating in me body…..but I suppose you don’t need ta change ya name though if ya don’t want ta…..”

He trails off uncertainly knowing that his most sincere desire is for her to be Mrs Nelson but appreciating at the same time that this is not his decision.

“Well I was saving this for tomorrow but ….well I think you might like it now.”

Rae reaches into her coat and produces an envelope which she somewhat unceremoniously pushes towards Finn.

He takes it confusion evident in his expression and slowly starts to open it. He grapples inelegantly with the paper and finally manages to unfold it. He has to read the document three times to comprehend its significance and a huge smile appears on his face.

“Grace Nelson?”

Rae nods “Officially Grace Nelson. So your timing is, for once, perfect….suppose we’ll be the Nelson family then…”

He laughs. “This is the best Christmas present… I mean Grace was the best thing you could ever have given me but….. I fuckin’ love ya Rae.”

He embraces her and this time the kiss has a very different semantic. Rae feels how his body presses heavily against hers and the way his lips linger and drag over hers.

“Right….suppose we should get home Mrs Nelson…..”

“Oi ….we’re not married yet…. but I suppose you can call me that in private like.” She says with a half smile.

“In private….oh… I see girl.”

Finn slings his arm around Rae’s shoulder and they start walking home.

********************************

When they get through the door, their first thoughts are with Grace. It’s Rae who suggests Finn goes to check on her while she pours them a drink.

When Finn gets downstairs, Rae hands Finn his drink but he simply puts it down and shakes his head and busies himself with his dad’s turntable.

As the familiar tones of Otis Redding sing out of the speakers, he removes Rae’s drink from her hand. He follows this with an embrace and whispers in her ear “I …I need ta make love ta ya Mrs Nelson.”

Rae smiles “Like that is it?”

He doesn’t answer but simply starts kissing her neck with a succession of short hot kisses allowing his bottom lip to drag over her skin between one kiss and the next. Her breath hitches and he tangles one hand in her hair and begins to kiss her mouth slowly and deliberately.

As his hand languidly drags from the bottom to the top her spine, Rae gasps and one of her hands finds his hair pulling him in tighter in the kiss.

Finn is in no hurry to stop their fervored kissing. He starts to bite her bottom lip gently and pushes his pelvis hard against hers. Their bodies gyrate in a slow rhythm against each other. Finn finally reaches his limit of unfettered sensations -  the desire to be in her has become too acute and he deftly lowers Rae onto the sofa.

At some point their clothes are discarded in between zealously profound and ardent kisses. He enters her meticulously as gently as possible and starts a tortuously slow rhythm that makes them both gasp in silent ecstasy. Their eyes open to speak the words the exquisite pleasure has robbed them of.

When he starts to twist his pelvis with each movement, Rae’s eyes flutter shut and he swallows thickly. He persists with his deliberately unhurried rhythm trying to stay as deep inside her as possible prolonging the delicious bliss until they are both almost delirious. He feels her body begin to tremble beneath him and her extraordinary tightening sends waves of fire spreading slowly and rhapsodically through his body. His release takes him so far beyond the edge, the experience is divine and metaphysical.

It takes them both several minutes of quiet wonderment to come down from their elated euphoria.

“Jesus Finn….”

“Oh girl that were….. it were.” He smiles as he realises it’s not a case of him not being able to find the words, because they simply don’t exist.

He pulls her into a tight embrace because he needs to feel her as close to him as possible.

Eventually, Rae gets up and suggests that they might want their drinks after all and he chuckles. He rolls onto his back contentedly and stretches his whole body.

He recalls how it had actually been quite some weeks after Grace came home when he finally allowed himself to make love to Rae. He’d been so fearful of hurting her despite his burning and  intense longing to be deep inside her. He recognises now that it hadn’t just been the fear of hurting her; for a far more intrinsic terror had played its role - the anxiety of accidental pregnancy and a re-run of the traumatic events surrounding the birth.

Then, of course, they had been hit with the endless cycle of sleepless nights and very real demands of having a baby and he would always put Grace’s needs above his own. They had both been over-anxious about leaving Grace even in the competent care of his father or Linda. And, what with his unusual working hours, they had very much been ships passing in the night, with snatched interludes of precious time together. Once the initial phase of exhaustion had finally subsided, he’d ended up working a little more such that Rae did not feel pressure to return to work and they’d finally permitted themselves the odd night out - just the two of them. But it had been an extremely rare occurrence where he wasn’t working - more often than not, Rae would often simply join him at the club for a few hours.

He hears that she’s changed the music and sees her sipping her drink, singing quietly and unselfconsciously dancing around the room. And he feels a long dormant feeling in him resurrect. His breath catches hard in his throat and his eyes open wide with longing. By the time he manages to stand up he can feel himself hardening and instead of being apprehensive about it, he’s enjoying the sensation revelling in the way his body reacts to her.

He reaches out and encircles her waist with his arms pulling her back towards him. Her mouth emits a small noise somewhere between a squeak and a moan before she finally finds her voice.

“Finn Nelson really.. Do you just think you …you can hug me and press yer boner into my back…we’re in yer da’s sitting room for goodness’ sake.”

“So?….You were dancing naked…” he says his voice thick with lust.”And that wasn’t pressing….this is pressing” he says pushing his pelvis very firmly against her.”

“Oh….” she says the atmosphere changing dramatically “oh indeed.” Her mind is struggling to form coherent thoughts when she realises just how ridiculously hard he his and how much she still yearns for him.

“Mrs Nelson” He spins her around so they are facing each other. He looks straight into her eyes through his thick lashes, his eyes wide with their pupils blown black. “Mrs Nelson….may I fuck you?”

Rae’s taken aback and her initial response conveys the mess his behaviour has turned her into.

“B…but we’ve just …”

A wicked chuckle escapes his lips before his face resumes its intent serious expression. “That were making love girl…..now…..now I wanta fuck…if you do?” He bites his lip salaciously and awaits her response.

He sees the fire spark in her eyes “Only if ya can catch me Nelson” and with that she shoots out of the room taking him completely by surprise.

It takes him a couple of seconds to get going and he knows she’s in the kitchen. It’s not long before he has her pushed hard against the work surface and he attacks her neck and breasts with kisses and his fingers caress between her legs. As she moans and opens her legs to give him more access he uses his teeth against her neck.

He grunts appreciatively at the whine his touch elicits as he slips two fingers inside her. She throws her head back allowing the delicious feeling to absorb her every thought for a moment and then she pushes him back.

He frowns as she cheekily raises her eyebrows and wanders into the hall returning with a condom between her teeth. He chuckles and shakes his head in silent mirth.

She’s undone the wrapper when it’s his turn to surprise her. “Back in a second girl” and with that he races up the stairs leaving Rae thoroughly frustrated and confused.

He reappears mimicking her gesture, condom between his teeth.

She frowns “And what is wrong with this one?”

“Nothing” he smirks and takes it from her rolling down his length. She sees a fleeting instance of pleasure in the way his stomach muscles tighten as he handles himself. He then takes the second wrapper from his mouth and tears it open.

“We might just need this one too….I said I wanted ta fuck.” He smirks again and rolls the second condom down over the first.

Rae bites her lip hard, a slight tremor of anticipation runs down her legs. She can’t believe the confident lascivious way he’s talking to her.

He pulls her roughly against him crashing their bodies together. His teeth find her neck and he starts to nip her skin whilst his left hand kneads her breast and then her nipple causing her to moan. He kisses and bites his way up her neck until he gets to her mouth and he pulls her bottom lip between his. His other hand slides down her body over her stomach and he begins to trace small circles where she is most sensitive. He groans loudly in appreciation when he finds how wet she is.

He pulls back to make sure he has her attention and raises both eyebrows seeking permission, final confirmation, because he intends to show her no mercy.

“I want ta make ya scream girl.” He says in a deep husky voice.

She gasps and her breathy response comes out “Please fuck me.”

He doesn’t need telling twice and he uses all his strength to push her wildly against the wall and he’s instantly inside her. He grunts loudly and lifts her leg and begins a punishing rhythm causing her head to roll to the side, breathy moans continually escaping her lips.

It doesn’t take long before her exquisite tightening starts around him and she’s crying out. He has to pull out when the tightening starts to slow otherwise it will be over far too soon. He turns her away from the wall and his voice comes out in a low growl “More girl?”

She nods almost imperceptibly, her mind is completely lost to rational thought as he slams her onto the kitchen table and resumes his blistering rhythm snaking his hips hard against hers. He can no longer think, his whole being is consumed with pure physical sensation. Every thrust causes the table to bang loudly.

Gary rolls over in his sleep and becomes aware of the loud cadenced noise coming from downstairs. He comes to, wondering what on earth is happening and is about to go down and investigate when he hears his son’s guttural groans. He shakes his head and turns over putting a pillow over his head.

Finn is now twisting his hips relentlessly into Rae and she’s making these incredible noises, half sung half moaned, and he can once again feel the fire building deep in his belly.

His teeth find her collarbone and he nips along it and up her neck. When his head is alongside her, he cries in her ear “Come for me Mrs Nelson.”

Rae is just sufficiently in control of her body to allow it to relax enough as she feels his fingers against her. Her whole body arches back as the pleasure hits her in a series of ever increasing divinely powerful waves. Her mouth is open and she has absolutely no control over the screams that come from her mouth increasing in pitch through her prolonged climax.

Finn has to grasp himself roughly to stop himself from following her instantaneously. He takes a couple of deep breaths to steady himself.

Gary grimaces in his bed and then thinks he shouldn’t be surprised. He just hopes they are being safe because as much as he’d love another grandchild, he knows none of them could go through the events of the last year again.

Rae feels her body still tingling, the tightening has not fully subsided but has simply reduced to a lower level. She pulls his hard body tightly against hers and rakes her nails down his back which makes him growl deeply with visceral delirium.

He builds back up to an almost frenetic pace, his thrusts near brutal causing the table not only to bang loudly but also to rattle all the chairs set against it. He feels her continual tightening around him and she’s crying out in a hoarse whisper. He’s not sure how much she more she can actually take. Her eyes shut and she tries to catch her breath and he allows the pit of fire in belly to take hold.

The force and strength if it takes him completely by surprises, he’s muttering profanities now, completely incapable of anything else. The feeling is so all consuming it’s nearly intolerable and he pushes through Rae’s now silent moans and gasps. When his explosive release finally comes with an involuntary shout of “Holy fuck”, it takes him into an oblivion he could never have imagined existed and blackness descends.

Rae is still seeing stars through her blurred vision, desperately trying to catch her breath when his hand strokes her hair and tucks a few stray strands behind her ear. She can just make out the words he speaks in a whisper with his cracked voice “Love ya girl. You ok?” She grunts her response knowing he must be absolutely spent.

It takes more than a few minutes for both of them to regain their breath. He pulls out of her ever so gently, trembling with sheer physical exhaustion. He carefully helps her up to a sitting position and deals with the condoms.

It’s Rae who recovers adequately to speak. “ ‘Kin hell Nelson….trying ta kill me were ya…see why ya wanted two Johnnies….”

He smiles weakly at her and a flash of nervousness crosses his face. “I…I wasn’t too rough was I …’cos Id hate ta think..”

She puts her hand instantly against his chest and shakes her head. “Although…I think my mind will never be the same again…my synapses don’t seem to be doing anything properly….I can barely move.”

He helps her onto her feet and takes her hand and then she stops him as she has to say something.

“We’ve not…..it’s not be like that since….since Grace.”

He bites his lip and ruffles a hand through his hair and then smiles at her. She finally understands that he’s spent many months trying to come to terms with the emotional scars of the the early days with Grace and what they had just done was a very physical sign of his healing.

“That …that was incredible Mr Nelson….now much as I’d love to stay up listening to music with ya all night long…it’s Grace’s first Christmas tomorrow and if we don’t want to look utterly ruined tomorrow we’re going to need to get some sleep. Mind you….I’d be surprised if yer dad actually managed to sleep through that.”

A deep blush spreads across Finn’s face neck and chest and Rae thinks he looks adorable and she kisses his cheek and goes to retrieve their clothes.

When she finally comes out of the bathroom she sees Finn giving Grace a sneaky kiss and she chuckles. He curls himself in behind her in the bed, arm draped lazily over her waist.

“Love ya Mrs Nelson.”

“Love ya back you dickhead.”

She’s so utterly spent that sleep takes her almost instantaneously. Finn normally falls into an exhausted post coital sleep but tonight it doesn’t happen that way. He allows himself time to consider the day. His heart is filled joy that she has agreed to officially become Mrs Nelson but he’s equally delighted with Grace’s name change.

He marvels at just how well Rae reads him. Grace had been “Baby Earl” from the moment she was born as they weren’t married and for some irrational and inexplicable reason he’d always felt a little disconcerted by it. He hadn’t minded that Rae had registered her as baby Earl. With hindsight he knows that his discomfort had all been due to the circumstances of her birth and his terror of losing her. He would never have said anything to Rae but she’d known anyway and a smile infuses his features.

He snuggles even tighter against Rae, nuzzling her neck and smelling her hair. He leaves a single kiss on her sleeping form and shuts his eyes.

*****************************************

They decided to open their stockings around the breakfast table with Gary.

“Good night last night you two?”

Rae bit her lip and then answered “Yeah…you could say that.”

Gary started to snigger, he simply couldn’t help it as he saw Finn’s blush. “It sounded like it son.”

“Da….” he cursed raising his eyebrows.

“It’s ok Finn…sorry Gary” she said tentatively.

“I have no idea what you’ve got to be sorry for.” Gary stated. “Tea anyone?”

Rae and Finn both nodded. As Gary turned his back they shared a look and Finn realised there was something he needed to tell his father.

He bounced exuberantly off his chair as he couldn’t wait even for the kettle to boil and his words burst out in an insanely happy torrent.

“Erm da…..can I introduce ya to someone?”

Gary frowned.

“Da… this is the future Mrs Nelson” he beemed.

Gary looked bewildered for a moment as his son periodically used the name as a term of endearment towards his girlfriend.

“No da…. she really is the future Mrs Nelson.”

A huge grin spread across Gary’s face.

“Well congratulations you two and he pulled them both into a discordant hug with Grace perched on Rae’s hip.

“That really is the best Christmas present…not that I believe you have to married….you know things are very different these days and …”

“Da we both really want ta…..and erm…..can I officially introduce ya to Grace Nelson….Rae changed her name by deed poll.”

Finn looked as happy as Gary had ever seen him and he smiled. They sat down at the table for breakfast and Gary watched with pride as Finn bounced Grace on his knee. His once wayward and unhappy son had grown into a strong, devoted father who loved both unquestioningly selflessly and fearlessly.


End file.
